Summary: That one story where there's a double self-insert, and Naruto contemplates self-destruction while Sasuke wonders whether suicide is a better option than facing the shitstorm up ahead and both decide to have a bromance instead.
Dsiclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self-inserts, comic relief kissing, gender confusion. Not necessarily in that order.
Me, during this chapter: GODDAMNIT SASUKE, stop invading in with all your angst. Just look what you did to Naruto, that precious ball of sunshine.
~~~~~Chapter 2: How to Pass a Bell Test~~~~~
"Ah, sorry about this, but can you guys wait for your sensei here? I have to go teach another class," Iruka-sensei said regretfully, looking longingly at Sasuke, who hid a shudder. Thank god he's going away. I don't want to get recruited into being a ninja teacher! The man had waited an hour with them, but Kakashi still hadn't arrived.
"Sure thing, Iruka-sensei! Don't worry about it," Naruto assured cheerfully, standing up from his desk and all but shoving Iruka out the door.
Sasuke stared at him, his face resting in his arms. While he didn't quite have a good grasp on his comrade-in-suffering-insanity's personality yet, it was ridiculous how well he adjusted to the whole process. If Sasuke didn't know any better, he would have never known anything had changed. Unlike Sasuke, who's character was definitely easier to imitate, and yet he had already messed things up.
Case in point, Sakura.
"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun! We're teammates now, Sasuke-kun, so let's get to know each other better. What's your favorite food, Sasuke-kun? Are it tomatoes? You seem to eat a lot of those. Mine are umeboshi. Hey, Sasuke-kun, what do you say we go out to have dinner together today? We can talk even more then."
...And so on. It seemed that inviting Sakura to sit beside him before and not telling her off during lunch like he had in canon had some unfortunate side-effects. He didn't dislike Sakura, per say, but how did one deal with such fangirlism? He didn't want to harshly tell her off like he would've before since he himself had been a fangirl, but he didn't want to encourage her either. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't handle this for much longer, he had already listened to it for the past hour! While she had been mercifully quiet while Iruka had been here, she had talked nonstop ever since he left. Sasuke almost wished the demon was back. Speaking of demons...
He glared at Naruto, who was sitting entirely relaxed on one of the benches, head resting on his crossed arms as he dozed. How nice for him that he could just tune out Sakura and nap. 'Damn it, Naruto! Do your main character duties and saveeee meeeee!'
Naruto jerked. "Eh?! Save what from who?!"
Sasuke blinked, dropping his arms to his lap. Had he said that aloud?
"What are you talking about now, Naruto?" Sakura asked in exasperation turning to face him from where she was seated beside Sasuke. Okay, so he hadn't said it aloud then. But then how had Naruto known his thoughts? Don't tell me–
Naruto looked at Sakura in confusion, then looked at Sasuke. "But Sakura-chan, Sas–"
'Shut up, Naruto,' Sasuke ordered, testing his theory, looking straight at Naruto. His lips did not move.
Naruto's mouth shut with a click, and he looked at Sasuke with his eyes wide. 'Oh my god, you stupid bastard, did you just unlock some secret Uchiha telepathy jutsu?! No fair, I want awesome power-ups too. '
Sasuke frowned and stood up. 'I can hear you, idiot. Yes to the telepathy, no to the secret Uchiha jutsu,' he replied to Naruto as he approached the door.
"Sasuke-kun, where are you going? Is Naruto annoying you?" Sakura fretted, standing up.
Sasuke's lips pursed as he opened the door. "Don't follow me." 'I'm trying to test the limits of apparent connection. Stay here, Naruto, and see if you can't telepathy with Sakura.'
'Sure, but you don't have to be mean to Sakura, you know,' Naruto shot back, sitting down.
'No, I just have to imitate a traumatize emo character who hates everyone,' Sasuke sniped as he slammed shut the door.
Naruto paused. 'Point taken.'
"But Sasuke-kun–"
He didn't hear the rest of Sakura's words. There was a water fountain at the end of the hall, and Sasuke decided to go there. Maybe some water would calm his high strung nerves. He took a long drink, then asked Naruto, 'Can you hear me?'
'Loud and clear,' Naruto chirped back. 'No luck with Sakura yet though. You wanna try?'
'I've been mentally yelling at her to stop talking to me for the past hour with no luck,' Sasuke deadpanned.
Naruto snickered.
'Laugh it up while you can, usuratonkachi,' Sasuke hissed and started going back. 'Just wait until you turn into a hero and start getting chased by your own fangirls. By then, I'll be persona non grata and freeee!'
'Only you would consider getting bombarded by girls a bad thing. Seriously,– OW!'
Naruto's mental yelp was punctuated by a vocal one, one Sasuke heard very clearly despite being in the hallway. Amused, he quickened his pace and slid open the door to see Naruto clutching his nose with both arms like he had been hit.
"Damn it, Naruto! Quit staring at me and making weird faces, you idiot," Sakura yelled at him.
"I was only trying to make a connection with you, Sakura-chan," he mumbled, then sent a glare at Sasuke. 'This is what I get for trying telepathy with Sakura, so I think we can firmly conclude that no, we can't do it with other people.'
"Ah! Sasuke-kun, you're back," Sakura beamed at him, a total one-eighty from her anger only moments before.
Sasuke held back a shudder, and slid into his spot on the bench. That level of devotion was scary. What if Sakura decided to kidnap him and tie him up and do who knows what? Sure it hadn't happened in canon, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen now. He needed to deal with the problem of Sakura, one way or another, and soon, lest unspeakable things ended up happening to him.
"Hey, hey, you know what, we should prank our sensei! He totally deserves it for being so late," Naruto suddenly said, bouncing back up with a wide grin on his face.
Well, if Kakashi was just going to go along with their pranks to make them underestimate him... "Iruka-sensei keeps clear tape in his drawer," Sasuke remarked, but made no move to get up from where he was slouched. Plausible deniability, after all.
"Eh? What? Do you want me to tape Naruto's mouth shut, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, confused. Naruto looked at him questioningly.
"No," Sasuke answered curtly, and met Naruto's gaze. 'If you put the tape from one end of the door frame to another near the bottom, you might be able to get Kakashi to trip over it, or at the very least get tape on his shoes or something.'
Naruto brightened. "Brilliant idea, Sasuke!" he praised, then immediately started on it.
Sakura looked between the two of them, confused. "What?"
Afraid of encouraging her, Sasuke didn't bother replying, And Sakura soon found herself distracted. "Naruto, hey! What do you think you're doing?" Sakura yelled at him as he finished setting up the eraser.
"Preparing the prank, obviously," Naruto said with a roll of his eyes as he walked over to Iruka's desk and began searching for the tape. He found it easily, and made a triumphant noise as he waved it.
Sakura scoffed, and asked skeptically, "You really think a jounin's gonna fall for that, Naruto?"
Naruto grinned and shared a look with Sasuke. They both know better after all. Cheerfully humming a little tune, he began taping.
"Hey, Naruto! Stop it already," Sakura protested though she made no move to stop him. "I'm sure that's not what Sasuke meant when he talked about the tape."
"I meant that," Sasuke said blandly.
"EH?!" Sakura exclaimed, shocked.
He hid a smirk behind his hands. This was almost fun.
"Done! You wanna contribute anything, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, stepping back to look at his work.
Sakura hesitated, clearly torn between playing the good girl and joining her teammates, but before she could make a decision, the door slid open.
Sasuke's eyes widened, and his heart pretty nearly stopped. I'm fucked, he thought faintly.
~~~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto burst out laughing. It had been funny in the anime, and it was even funnier in person. Kakashi looked so dead, a hundred percent done with them already, and the poor guy was going to have to put up with them for so much longer if Naruto had anything to say about it. "Ahaha! I can't believe you actually fell for it!"
Kakashi had stumbled over the tape too, but had caught himself on the door frame before he fell. Just seeing the tape hanging off Kakashi's shoes made Naruto grin. He hadn't expected Sasuke to contribute, but he certainly appreciated it. He looked over at his rival to see how he felt, but Sasuke looked a bit troubled.
"I'm really sorry about this sensei! I tried to stop th-him, but Naruto just did it anyway," Sakura fretted.
Kakashi gave her an unimpressed look, like he knew perfectly well that she had barely tried to stop him. "My first impression of you guys," he began as he picked up the eraser and peeled off the tape. "Is that I hate you."
Naruto wrinkled his nose, shooting an unimpressed face right back at Kakashi.
"Meet me on the roof," the man said abruptly, then disappeared.
"Rude," Naruto muttered, eyeing the empty doorway resentfully.
Sakura glared at him. "You are a terrible influence," she declared with a sniff, marching out.
"Aw, you know you love me," Naruto said teasingly as he followed. He paused in the doorway, then sent a questioning glance at Sasuke, who still hadn't moved from his seat on the table. "Oi, you following or not, bastard?"
"Y-yeah," Sasuke replied, seemingly distracted, but he got up anyway.
Naruto blinked, then shrugged, jogging to catch up with Sakura. Whatever Sasuke's problem was, it wasn't any of his business. Unless Sasuke made it his problem. Which, considering he was Sasuke, who could probably be officially crowned the queen of melodrama, was very likely. Naruto paled, imagining Sasuke having another breakdown, except this time in front of everyone, which would obviously result in some very uncomfortable questions and a possible visit to Ibiki. Crap, that made Sasuke's problems his problems. Why did he have to be the main character?! Hesitantly, he asked, glancing back at his rival, 'Sasuke, please tell me that you're not upset about realizing that Kakashi has a Sharingan and thus you're not going to have mental breakdown and try to murder him are you?'
Sasuke gave him a scandalized look. 'What?! Are you crazy, I could never do that to someone with such fluffy hair! It's just –fuck, why does he have to look even cuter in person?!'
Naruto choked, stumbling and nearly bumping into Sakura, and sent Sasuke a wide-eyed look.
The boy was pale, avoiding his gaze, and from his grimace Naruto guessed he dearly regretting saying anything. '...So, erm, we might have a problem.'
Naruto snickered, earning a suspicious look from Sakura. 'You're a Kakashi-fangirl? That's just – there's something really ironic about someone being hounded by fangirls being a fangirl himself.' No wonder Sasuke had looked off kitler before.
"What are you laughing about, Naruto?" Sakura demanded with annoyance, tightly gripping the railing of the stairwell.
"Nothing, Sakura-chan. Just thought of something funny," Naruto replied innocently, smiling at her until she turned back. 'Though if you're a fangirl, why're you afraid of Sakura and the rest?'
'My sweet summer child, it is precisely because I am a fangirl that I know exactly what terrifying horrors await me,' Sasuke retorted. 'And it's not my fault Kakashi is so much cooler in person, okay?!'
'This must be karma because you gave me the idea to trip him,' Naruto mused. 'Instead of tripping him, you tripped yourself into falling in love with him, hehe!'
'I-it's just temporary! I was surprised, that's all. It'll go away soon enough,' Sauske shot back, but his cheeks were tinged pink.
Smirking, Naruto sing-songed, 'Kakashi and Sasuke, sitting on a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G–'
'Shut up!' Sasuke snapped at him. 'What do you think will happen if he notices we're out of character? IF you don't quit bothering me about this, I'll end up acting even more ooc, then I'll be dragged to T&I and interrogated and kidnapped by ROOT and brutally tortured for information before being sold to Orochimaru and have my eyes gouged out and–'
Naruto peevishly cut him off, disturbed, 'Okay, okay! Sheesh, paranoid much?'
Sasuke gave him a flat look. 'I'm sorry, remind me who's family got murdered on the orders of the village again? IT'S NOT PARANOIA IF THEY'RE OUT TO GET YOU.'
Glaring, Naruto grumpily replied, 'We're twelve. I think you're being a little too paranoid. But fine, I'll back off–'
Smack!
"Ow, Sakura-chan, what was that for?!" Naruto yelped, theatrically clutching his stomach.
"You kept making weird faces at my back at the way here and you just glared at Sasuke-kun. You better not be so annoying in front of sensei, you hear?" Sakura threatened, hands of her hips and her eyes narrowed. Blinking, Naruto realized they have reached the door to the roof already.
"Got it," Naruto said quickly once Sakura raised her fist threateningly again.
Sakura smiled sweetly at him. "I'm so glad we had this talk," she chirped, then turned to enter the roof.
'First there was your crush on Kakashi then there was Sakura's crush on you – why do I keep having to suffer because of your love life?!' Naruto complained.
Sasuke rolled his eyes and shoved him through the door.
~~~~~~~~~~Kakashi~~~~~~~~~~
"You're two minutes late," Kakashi deadpanned, curiously wondering how they'd react.
Sasuke twitched, but his face quickly transformed into one of blankness, and the other two bristled. Naruto yelled back, pointing an accusing finger at him, "Yeah, well. At least we weren't two hours late, unlike a certain someone who must not be named!"
The other boy's lips briefly twitched upwards at that. Interesting, an inside joke, perhaps? But Kakashi hadn't been aware of any bond between them. And yet, the tape on the door, too, was a bit subtle for Naruto. And Sakura had started to say 'them' instead of just accusing Naruto, hadn't she? So it seemed that two could cooperate somewhat, at least when it came to a common enemy. "Well, let's not dwell on the small matters. Why don't you midgets get seated and introduce yourself?"
Naruto gave him one last glare, but seated himself on the steps nonetheless. The other two followed, Sasuke sitting the farthest away from him with Sakura in the middle.
Their introductions were interesting, to say in the least. Kakashi wasn't sure whether they had taken their cue from his intentionally vague answer and thus gave vague insubstantial introductions, or if their personalities were just like that.
"My likes is, um..." Cue giggle and side glance at Sasuke. "My hobbies..." Cue giggle and side glance at Sasuke. "My dream..." Cue intense giggle and squeal. "And my dislikes know perfectly well that I dislike them." Cue glare at Naruto, who pouted.
"I like, no, love ramen! I dislike the time iI'm not able to eat ramen! My hobby is eating ramen! My dream is to become Hokage so that I can declare a National Ramen Day and make Konoha the Ramen Capital of the world!"
Okay, someone needed to drag that Uzumaki away from his ramen. At least when he failed he could become a ramen chef instead.
"My dislikes are annoyances. My likes are not your concern. Neither are my hobbies. My dream for the future..." Here there was a pause, a faltering in Sasuke that made Kakashi's eyes sharpen. Was that... uncertainty he saw? Then Sasuke's eyes hardened, and he finished, "Is most definitely not your concern."
Well, this group was interesting. It was almsot a pity that it was practically a guarantee that they would fail.
~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~~
RINNNGGGG!
Blearily, Naruto reached out and shut off the alarm on his bedside table. With a soft sigh, he burrowed further under his blanket. Kakashi would be late anyway... he thought sleepily as he drifted off into sleep.
RIIIINNNNGG!
Naruto jerked awake, and then clumsily reached downwards and shut it off. Wait, downward? Had he thrown his alarm off the table before? Meh, whatever, he'd think about that later. Sleep came first, and he lazily drifted off...
RING!
Irritated, Naruto turned around and grumpily turned on the alarm on his bed. He paused. On his bed? How on earth had the alarm jumped from the floor to his bed?
And he got the nagging feeling he was forgetting something important...
Pfft, whatever. Five more minutes of sleep couldn't hurt right? Mmm, sleep.
RING!
Naruto growled, then promptly winced as an alarm fell on face. Where the hell had that come from? This was getting too confusing to think about, he decided as he shut the alarm off again. He wondered if he would be able to get any significant amount of sleep before the snooze–
Wait a minute – his alarm didn't have snooze.
His eyes snapped open, and he threw off his blanket.
Wide eyes flickered across his room, mouth falling open. This could only mean one thing. "This has got to be a nightmare."
He promptly fell back down to the bed, determined to reach the sweet bliss of sleep this time for sure.
RING!
He pressed his hands to his ears.
RING!
He would not get up.
RING!
He would not – oh, fuck it. Unhappily, he trudged out of bed and shut of the alarm. One alarm, of the, oh, twenty six that were currently occupying his room. Scowling, he began to systematically turn off every single one of them.
There could only be one person responsible for this...
He was going to kill Sasuke.
'Oi, Sasuke-bastard! What the fuck did you do to my apartment?!' Naruto snapped across their mental connection.
'Oh, you're awake already? That's good. I was worried you might be late with your attitude yesterday, so I took some precautions,' came Sasuke's reply. 'Um, sorry about any resulting trauma?'
Naruto scowled. After Kakashi's announcements yesterday, they had a short mental discussion on what to do, but Sasuke had insisted on more or less following the canon timeline just in case T&I came after them. 'I thought you refused to meet up yesterday because your apartment was probably bugged and mine was probably a shithole? How could you stand to come here then?'
'But then I realized that since you knew Kakashi would be late, you might show up late, then Kakashi would be pissed and suspicious, and then he'd declare that an investigation on us was necessary, then we'd be dragged off to T&I and die, so I tried to tell you but you were asleep, so I had to take precautions. Besides, I cleaned up your apartment a little, so it's not completely a shit hole anymore. Also, I took some of your bombs as a souvenir. Hope you don't mind. Main character merchandise, you know?'
Blinking, he realized, that his apartment, did in fact look a little neater. "Huh, thanks, Sasuke." 'And I don't mind about the bombs. Though if you took something expensive, you better pay me back.'
'Yeah, sure. Thanks, Naruto. Anyway, get here soon, alright?' Sasuke added. 'And don't break the alarms, I need to use them on Kakashi if he keeps up his procrastinating habit.'
Naruto sighed, wondering if Sasuke was worried about maintaining the timeline, why on earth he had broken into the house of someone he wasn't supposed to care about and had proceeded to clean up his place.
Naruto blinked. It couldn't be...was Sasuke... a tsundere?
He smirked. That meant, it was up to him to get Sasuke and Kakashi together. After all, if Sasuke had a boyfriend, he'd be less worried about NaruSasu and stop bothering Naruto, and he would be less paranoid because he'd be getting laid, and he'd less inclined to commiting suicide because he wouldn't want to break Kakashi's heart!
This plan was perfect, he thought happily, chuckling as he rubbed his hand together. Now, to plan the specifics...
~~~~~~~~~Sasuke~~~~~~~~~
He was the first to arrive. It wasn't unexpected, but something about it, the stillness, the emptiness of there being no one when there should have been someone, rubbed him the wrong way. He hoped Naruto, or heck, even Sakura would arrive soon.
Grimacing, he pulled himself up to a tree branch, marveling with the ease his body moved. Marginally better, now that he had his back to a tree and was hidden in its leaves.
Wasn't Zetsu able to move through plants?
Holding back a growl, he contemplated jumping back to the ground.
...Fuck Kishimoto for ruining everything.
His family, his brother, sticking him with Orochimaru in god knew where, the stupid Sharingan requirements, and god, not even letting the characters have a happy ending but adding a sequel and even more ridiculous stuff.
And people called Sasuke an emo for that.
It's not like he could help it! Being broody and a nervous, paranoid wreck was just the normal response in the face of things like that. Honestly, he considered it a miracle his mental state hadn't been worse.
"Naruto doesn't seem to have any problems, though," he muttered to himself.
That was a fair point, but it was Naruto. He had the main character perk.
Still though, how could that idiot not be more worried about their situation? He himself couldn't even sleep last night, instead raiding his clan compound for any hints about space-time ninjutsu.
He had found a few scrolls, but they were beyond his understanding, so he had grudgingly put them aside and practiced his chakra control instead.
It had been implied, or maybe it was a fan theory, that chakra control correlated with the female sex, and he needed to a way to hold on to his absent femininity, damn it. Also he just refused to let his control be on Naruto's level, plain and simple, remembering it had taken Sasuke nearly the same amount of time as Naruto to learn the tree climbing trick.
And Naruto would be ridiculously OP anyways, and it wasn't like Sasuke was planning on getting the Rinnegan, Eternal Mangekyou, or even normal Mangekyou anytime soon. Who was he supposed to murder for it anyway? It's not like he was particularly close to anyone in this world.
"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura chirped up at him, ridiculously cheery for the early morning.
Sasuke wondered whether that enthusiasm would last for the next four hours or however long Kakashi took to show up.
Sakura looked at him expectantly, and for a moment his mind flailed as it tried to come up with an appropriate response. How do you greet someone, how do you greet a fangirl, how do you – wait, he was Sasuke. When in doubt,–
"Hn."
Sakura beamed.
Passed, Sasuke discretely breathed a sigh of relief.
"So Sasuke-kun, I was thinking you and I could go eat out somewhere, all in the name of team bonding of course. I hear that a new restaurant opened up near the east market, do you want to try out the food there? It would be–"
If he didn't deal with her now, he wouldn't be getting any peace and quiet today would he?
He quickly hatched a plan.
"Sakura," He began emotionlessly. "You're weak."
"Eh?" Sakura faltered.
Sasuke continued, "So take–"
~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~
Remember, Naruto. You must not break canon. Don't worry about the little details, but try to maintain the major stuff, otherwise a butterfly might flap its wings and we might end up in a war with Kiri or fuck knows what. So remember, till we do any thorough planning, DO NOT BREAK CANON.
–Or at least that's what Sasuke had said.
So what did Naruto do?
He went and broke canon.
Sure, he was ruining an iconic moment in the bell test, but it was for a good cause.
This would lead to Sasuke and Kakashi getting together, which would lead to happy Sasuke, which would lead to Sasuke not bothering Naruto, which would lead to a happy ending for everyone!
...Except maybe Sakura. Ops, he thought guiltily, but Sasuke wasn't attracted to girls anyway, so that pathway was doomed to failure.
Anyway, Naruto focused on the paln picturing it. It would happen, then Sasuke would get flustered, and then Kakashi would find out about the crush, then there'd be a soul crushing moment where Kakashi rejected Sasuke, leading Sasuke to look like a sad kitten, and though Kakashi would valiantly resist, he would be unable to forget the look of eternal despair on Sasuke's face, and of course Naruto would encourage them both from the sidelines, and then inevitably, beautifully, they would end up together.
Naruto nearly shed a tear at that.
The only problem with his plan was the age gap, but hey, it always worked in fanfiction, and their situation was ridiculous enough that they were probably in a fanfiction, so it would work out, right?
Now!
This was the moment, Naruto thought giddily with a smirk, then moved his hands through the symbols.
Ram, Boar, Ox, Dog, Snake – Kawarimi No Jutsu.
I wish you all the best in your love life, Sasuke.
~~~~~~~~Kakashi~~~~~~~~
And this one's the one that initiated the sexual harassment, Kakashi thought idly, putting his fingers in the tiger seal and taking aim. "One Thousand Years of Death," he intoned, feeling a little mischievous.
Then came an unexpected moment as Naruto quickly went through the motions of a Kawarimi. Kakashi was a little disappointed, realizing the Kawarami would occur before before his jutsu would hit, but lazily decided to continue the motion since he had started.
However, what was unpected was the tuft of black hair appearing amidst in smoke, making him jerk his hand back as he realized who had taken Naruto's place.
But alas, it was too late.
Kakashi's aim struck true, and his effort to stop only served to reduce the force a little. As a result, the One Thousand Years of Death still hit someone who was very much not Uzumaki Naruto, but rather one Uchiha Sasuke, sending him flying off into the distance.
In the distance, Sakura gasped and Naruto chuckled.
What the hell just happened? Kakashi thought, a little stunted. Naruto had done the seals for a Kawarimi, then he went there, and Sasuke showed up over here. His senses were telling him Naruto had used Kawarimi to switch places with Sasuke, but that wasn't supposed to be possible.
One living human being switching places with another was impossible, that was just how the Kawarimi worked, so what, and more importantly how, had it happened?
He was jerked out of his thoughts by an intense Killing Intent.
Ah right, Sasuke was the one who reacted badly to sexual harassment. Ops.
He paused for a minute to admire the sheer amount of hatred, intent, and desperation that must have been needed to fuel such raw desire to murder. He observed the boy, seeing the rage pouring off him, the clenched fist, the silent yet somehow menacing footsteps, that famous Uchiha glare, complete with the hellish red eyes–
He paused. There was something distinctly wrong with that statement.
Holy fuck, are you telling me he reacted that badly to a little touch that he activated the fucking Sharingan?! That's screwed up.
"No one will notice if Naruto accidentally dies, right? I must protect Sasuke-kun's virtue after all..." a mumble came from somewhere in the bushes.
Okay great, he could deal with this. Minato's son could make jutsu do impossible things, Itachi's kid brother was evidently enough of a nervous wreck to activate the Sharingan, and the civvie kid was apparently plotting the murder of a jinchurikii due to someone's insulted virtue.
"How this not the beginning of a joke?" he muttered to himself, ducking as a spike of killing intent indicated Sasuke's shuriken barrage.
"You said to come with killing intent, so no one'll mind if you die right?" Sasuke asked, politely at that, though his eyes still screamed murder.
"Sasuke?" came Naruto's confused mutter, barely reaching Kakashi's ears.
And Naruto probably thinks this is one big prank, Kakashi considered, I should probably make an effort to calm Sasuke down. Maybe let him vent a little?
Yeah, a little taijutsu match should help Sasuke work out his frustrations, and calm him down. Yup, Kakashi could indeed be a nice, considerate sensei–
Whoa, Sasuke wasn't kidding around; that kunai would have chopped of his family jewels if he hadn't been careful. He engaged a little more in taijutsu with Sasuke, blocking the kid's blows with ease, though he reluctantly found himself a little impressed with the palaptable rage emanating from the boy.
Maybe a little distance?
Wait no, bad idea, fireball fireball!
It may be that Sasuke is indeed plotting my murder, Kakashi mourned.
"Now," Sasuke uttered and damnit, flaming shuriken came out of the fireball, Kakashi dodging as he put his hands together for a Kawarimi while still shielded by the light of the fireball, and –
Wait a moment, something was coming at him from his blind side, he turned his head – Explosive?! - who threw that – Damnit, he couldn't leave if Sasuke would get caught in the blast, the boy was too invested in his murder right now to even think of dodging– he reached out towards Sasuke, eye tracking the explosive, counting the seconds and then just grabbing hold of the boy's arm when -flash- blinding his eyes and loosening his hold on the boy for just a moment – but it was enough.
It had been a flash bomb.
As his vision cleared, Sasuke eyed him balefully, bells in hand, Sakura came out from her hiding place to meet him.
Kakashi was mildly impressed. So Sasuke wasn't as recklessly emotionally oriented as he first appeared. He began cheerfully, "So you've got the bells–"
Sasuke again threw the kunai at him, aimed straight at his family jewels. Kakashi dodged without much effort.
"Now that's just rude," Kakashi muttered, but relaxed at the sight of Sasuke's one tomoe eyes vanishing into black.
"You were right Sasuke-kun," Sakura chattered excitedly. "I may be weak, but with the right tools, like Naruto's fake explosive flash bomb, I can make a difference."
Kakashi blinked, with not a little horror. No, it couldn't be. And yet... Had they worked as a team?! How could this be possible? Did that mean Kakash had to take on a genin team?
No, there's still hope, Kakashi mused as Naruto cautiously approached. If they try to keep the bells to themselves, I can still fail them. Yes!
"Sasuke?" Naruto asked hesitantly, a little terrified.
The boy growled, then, as quick as lightning, grabbed Naruto by the collar. Sasuke tossed one bell towards Sakura, who caught it with some confusion, then shoved the other one into Naruto's mouth. "Take the damn bell and fucking choke on it!" Sasuke snarled, then kneed Naruto in the stomach before he began to stomp off.
No, that couldn't be allowed to happen!
Kakashi flickered behind Sasuke and reached out a hand. "Wait, Sasuke."
Sasuke spun around, slapping aside his hand. "Don't touch me," Sasuke said harshly, but Kakashi couldn't bring himself to care about the rude tone. The red was back, but Sasuke's eyes were wet with unshed tears, and he watched as the boy took a step back, closing his eyes.
When he opened them again, the red had faded to black.
"Just give the bells to those two," Sasuke muttered, then turned around, intending to go off somewhere.
"Sasuke–"
"I am not staying in this team," Sasuke said flatly, and something in his tone was final enough that it made Kakashi decide not to press the issue.
He turned back to the other two, who sported twin looks of horror, glancing first at him then at each other. He couldn't even open his mouth before they declared throwing the bells at him,
"Like fucking hell I'm leaving him behind!"
"I am not advancing without Sasuke-kun!"
They both glared at him defiantly, arms crossed, before they, too turned to follow Sasuke.
Cute, and deadly, clearly.
I'm going to have to pass them, aren't I? Kakashi thought with resignation.
"Hold on, you two. Naruto, I'd like an explanation about that little... switch before," Kakashi said casually.
Naruto eyed him guiltily. "I just Kamirami'd with Sasuke because, well–"
"Idiot, you can't Kawarimi with another living being, that just isn't possible," Sakura rolled her eyes. "If you're going to lie, at least come up with one that's reasonable. That's just common sense."
Finally, someone who spoke sense.
Naruto just gave her a confused glance. "I did, though...?"
"What possessed you to do such a thing?" Kakashi pressed, deciding to ignore Naruto's impossibilities for now.
"Erm, that is, well, I just wanted Sasuketogetclosetoyou," Naruto said in barely audible rush.
Sakura huffed, crossing her arms. "That doesn't even make any sense! And what's with that wording, honestly? It sounds like you were trying to get them together, which wound be ridiculous unless Sasuke-kun had a crush on Kakashi-sensei or something–"
Naruto gave Sakura a wide-eyed look that she missed, but Kakashi caught it.
Oh no.
"He does, doesn't he?" Kakashi muttered in horror. Sakura didn't catch it, still in the middle of her tirade to Naruto, but the boy frantically shook his head.
"I'll be going now, bye!" Naruto squeaked before he started running off. Kakashi let him go too.
Sakura eyed him disdainfully. "Well, I'm certainly not staying alone with you."
Ouch. Right in his heart, it hit, it did.
"Oh right," Kakashi remembered belatedly. "You all pass, by the way. Tell the other two team meeting tomorrow at eight, alright?"
Sakura blinked. "What?" she asked, baffled.
But well, considering the disappearing acts the other two had pulled, Kakashi was hardly going to let Sakura pull a disappearing act too. So there was only one option left: Kakashi had to disappear first! He left with a Shunshin, then chuckled at Sakura's confusion and misfortune.
~~~~~~~~Naruto~~~~~~~~
Sasuke? Sasuke please, I'm sorry so please tell me you're okay.
Naruto had fucked up.
Sasuke? Sasuke, c'mon.
Naruto had well and truly fucked up.
Sasuke please.
He didn't know how he had forgotten that Sasuke was a girl, and a prudish girl at that, when the whole plan had been based on the fact that Sasuke being a girl who had a crush on Kakashi, but he had forgotten and he had fucked up.
He had seen the Sharingan activate, Sakura had been too far away to see, but he had and he knew what it meant.
The sharingan activated under severe emotional distress, and yes, while he did think Sasuke's reaction was weird, that didn't change the fact that he had hurt him. It may have been intended as harmless prank with hopefully good side effects, but all he had done was muck everything up instead. And considering the state Sasuke had been in yesterday...
Naruto was worried.
Even more than that, he was worrying about worrying.
Are you worrying about him because he's a friend?
Or.
Are you worrying because you don't want to be alone?
Naruto's breath caught, something like glass in his throat. It didn't matter, he told himself, words catching and choking on glass shards. He pushed past the pain. It. Didn't. Matter.
It didn't change the fact that Sasuke wasn't replying to him.
It didn't change the fact that Sasuke got hurt.
It didn't change anything.
And so it didn't matter. What mattered now was making sure Sasuke was okay, and apologizing and making up before something drastic happened.
Naruto hurried on to Sasuke's apartment.
~~~~~~~~Omake~~~~~~~~
"So, Hokage-sama, you should probably know that Naruto can apparently Kawarimi with other humans."
'Hokage blinked. "Ah."
Also, Sasuke activated the Sharingan."
"I see."
"And he's got a crush on me I think."
"Hm."
"And none of them want to be one my team."
"This... could be troublesome."
"And we're not even a Nara."
~~~~Ans: Follow canon. Wait, no smash it to smithereens instead. ~~~~
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