Chapter Five - Hail

I wake up on my couch. I've been asleep for about five hours. I check my phone to see what time it is. 7:35 p.m...I roll over and stare at my ceiling. I need to talk to someone about all this. As much as I hate to admit it. I can't deal with all this crap by myself. I can't go to Yuri's house, Natsuki's there and she's still quite upset with me. Guess that only leaves one person.

I send a text to Monika.

- ( Can I come over? I know it's

late but I need to talk

to somebody. )

- (Sure, is everything ok? )

- ( Not really... )

- ( Well come on over then!

I just made supper! )

- ( Thanks. )

I close my phone and get ready to leave. I brush my teeth, change my bandages for the third time today, and grab one of the protein bars Yuri sent with Natsuki on the way out. Monika doesn't live terribly far from me so the drive isn't a long one. In about twenty minutes, I'm pulling in to her driveway. I get out of my car and knock on her front door.

Monika:"It's open!" I open the door and walk in. As soon as I enter, a heavenly aroma hits me. I'm suddenly pretty hungry.

Me:"Man, whatever that is smells really good."

Monika:"It's Japanese stir-fry!" I hear her call from the kitchen. "Well take your coat off...Stay a while!" I do so and hang it near the door. I've never been to Monika's house before so I really don't know what to do. Monika comes out of the kitchen to greet me.

Monika:"Hey Eli!" She gives me a quick hug and has me sit down. "What's up?"

Me:"*Sigh* I've just been havin' a real rough time today...and yesterday."

Monika:"Oh, I'm sorry. Is it anything particular or just a bad time?" I hesitate to tell her, Monika's a good friend and an understanding person. But I don't know how she'll react to her knowing I've been hurting myself...

Me:"Well that's what I needed to talk to you about. Y'see I didn't hurt my arm workin' on my car. I-"

Monika:"You cut yourself. Yuri told me already. She wanted us to start keeping an eye on you."

Me:"W-what? Okay I guess. I didn't expect her to tell anybody..."

Monika:"Don't be angry with her. She's just worried about you. Natsuki's been pretty beat down about it too. After she left your house and went home, she just stayed in her room." Great. I've made her sad. Why do I hurt the people I care about?

Me:"Aw man...I shouldn't have lied to her...What was I thinking? She cares about me. And I...I Care about her. All I had to do was tell her the truth. She'd still be pissed off, yeah, but maybe she wouldn't be holed up in her room over it.."

Monika:"Hey, don't forget you lied to me too ya know!" Monika crosses her arms.

Me:"Your right, I did. I'm sorry Monika. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Especially not by a jacka* like me...I'm so sorry..."

Monika:"Eli?"

Me:"I mean all I do is hurt everyone who gets close to me! Everytime I open my mouth!"

Monika:"Eli stop it..."

Me:"I don't know why I think I can be happy? I don't deserve to be. I know that."

Monika:"That's not true!"

Me:"Yes it is. I killed my best friend Monika! I murdered Sayori! I'm worthless!"

Monika:"DON'T SAY THAT! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS GOD-D*MMIT!" Monika stands and yells in my face. I just stare at the ground. She's just saying that because she's my friend. I know it isn't true.

Monika:"Now...What's this nonsense about you killing Sayori?"

Me:"*sigh* A day before the festival, Sayori was, as you know, feeling pretty down. I decided to visit her before Natsuki came over to bake the cupcakes. When I got there, I asked her what was going on and she told me that she had delt with a bad depression her whole life. I told her I would do everything in my power to make it better. But she told me that the best thing for her would be for everything to go back to the way it was before. Told me that having people care about her caused her pain."

Monika:"Holy crap..."

Me:"Yeah, well there's more, later that day, as Natsuki was leaving. Sayori came over to tell me...to tell me that she loved me. And that she had felt that way for a little while.." A tear rolls down my face. "And I told her that she would always be my dearest friend and the most important person in my life. I knew that would hurt, but I thought I was doing the right thing. She didn't want things to change, she hated when people cared about her. I just wanted to make her stop hurting! That's all I ever wanted! *sobbing* But I did the wrong thing and now she's gone. And it's all my fault! Why in God's name couldn't it have been me!?"

I completely break down. Releasing grief and anger I didn't know I was holding in through my bitter tears...Monika pulls me into her arms.

Monika:"It's okay...shhh...It's alright. Let it all out tough guy..." Monika says softly as she rubs my back. I hate crying in front of people. And I detest being comforted. But in all honesty. I need this right now. And I know Monika won't think less of me, or tell anyone. She's kinda great like that.

I pull myself together and Monika releases me.

Monika:"You okay?"

I nod my head.

Monika:"Good, because there's something I need to make very clear to you...You. Did not. Kill. Sayori. Do you understand me?"

Me:"But I just. told yo-" Monika stops me and continues speaking.

Monika:" Eli, you did what you belived in your heart to be the best thing for her. Telling her that you loved her in that moment would have been a mistake. You would have been saying it out of guilt or pity. Not because you truly loved her. And it sounds like Sayori herself was confused. I believe that no matter what you said to her, the outcome would have been the same. Her depression simply got the better of her. That happens in life Eli. Sometime's you can't just fight your way out of every problem. Sometimes you lose. As sad and horrible as it is, Sayori was just beyond saving. And you had no control over that. You stayed with her until the end. And that's all she really wanted."

Me:"But you didn't hear her fall on her knees and scream. Right in front of me. It was this, horrific, pained scream. Like someone had run a stake through her heart. I did that. My rejection is what caused that pain! I think that's what really keeps me awake at night..."

Monika:"And does that not sound like someone beyond helping to you? Nothing else could be done, it was a matter of time. I know you don't want to hear this. I know it's easier to blame yourself than to accept that it was an inevitability. I get it. But you've got to stop. Or else you will never stop hurting." She pokes me in the chest with her finger. If there's one thing I can say for her. She knows how to get through to me. I'm pretty stubborn and hard-headed, so the tough love thing is the most effective tactic against me.

Me:"*sigh* ...I guess you're right."

Monika:"Of course I'm right! I'm Monika aren't I? C'mon the food's gonna get cold soon." She gets off the couch and walks to the kitchen. Man, I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave. Ah! What am I thinking? I like Natsuki! Don't I? I really don't know anymore...Jeezy Crisco, it's been a hard week.

I get off the couch and set down at the table. Monika places a hefty helping of food in front me. But I notice something out of place in the dish.

Me:"Chicken? I thought you were a vegetarian Moni?"

Monika:"Chicken isn't a vegetable?" Monika says with a confused look on her face.

Me:"...Uh..."

Monika:"*giggle* C'mon ya goof, It's immatation meat. Tastes just like the real thing."

Me:"How the h*ck did they manage that?!"

Monika:"No one knows...Oh well it still tastes good!" She's right actually. It's not bad. You can tell it's not quite real chicken but it's pretty good for a substitute. Personally, I'll stick to the real deal.

After we get done eating, I help Monika clean up her kitchen, we then return to the living room and watch Sword Art Online: Abridged on her T.V...We of course, laugh until it hurts. And for the moment, I feel so much better.

But if I feel so good, why do I get the feeling something terrible is about to happen?

( End of Chapter Five )

Author's Note: Ooooh, a cliffhanger! How devious of me...Or, how generic of me...I'm gonna go away now...