Chapter Three - The Convolution of Identity

Lily's jade eyes widened and then became softer as she realized that he had indeed apologized, judging from his demeanor. He was brushing dust from his shoes, apparently refusing to raise his eyes and meet hers. She took this as a liberty and allowed her eyes to trace his features, deciding that she had no better plan for entertainment at present.

He was rather tall, but solid; not as bony as she vaguely remembered him being the previous year. Still, she preferred less lanky males…What? You are not staring at him as a romantic possibility, Lily. Rather, you should be considering how you can best him in the future.

Her eyes traveled up to his face, which he held in the palm of one hand. She understood, if only for a moment, the all-too-common groups of girls who threw themselves at him. He certainly had a nice jawbone. She wanted to lean over and fix his hair, but…she let out a breath as he threaded a hand through the wayward strands and looked up. His eyes were dark as he peered at her from his side of this corner; sharp and soft simultaneously.

Her cheeks flushed slightly when he addressed her, "What, staring at me now, Evans?" His voice seemed more weary than menacing; the bite had left his tone.

"Might as well," Lily replied, fighting off her blush, "I don't see much else to do around here."

He glanced around them, sighed, and suddenly announced, "I believe someone is trying to get your attention." He pointed to her left, letting his hand drop unceremoniously.

Lily looked around and jumped at the sight of a finger moving through a small hole in the wall of rubble.

"Lily?" She heard a muffled call. "I hear voices- alright in there?"

Lily breathed another sigh. "Yes, I'm fine Selene. Are you two okay?"

"Just wonderful," Kristen answered, employing the sarcasm more often exhibited by her friends.

"I'm sorry. This wasn't some intentional way of trying to avoid cleaning the storeroom with you." Lily said, only half-serious.

Selene laughed. "You're sorry? I should say we are more worried for you, stuck inside there with Potter."

Lily turned her head a bit and found James watching her. Their eyes met again and Lily wondered why she was startled every time this occurred. She shook herself and turned back to the hole on her left.

"Everything's alright…no murders or anything else you need to report."

"Oh, good."

As Lily shifted back to face James, she felt something slip from atop her head, or so it seemed. Her dark auburn hair pooled around her shoulders and she felt the quill that had been holding it in place fall into her lap. She grumbled under her breath and reached around to put her hair back up, then stopped. What the hell does it matter, anyway? She dropped her hands, still holding the quill in her fingers.

She examined the edges, where a few flecks of ink stained the otherwise pearl hue. The sight of the quill only reminded her of Dumbledore's requested essay, which she suddenly realized would be due in little more than a day's time. She had completed one paragraph, and was not even satisfied with that. Lily thought she had enough research, but…there was something lacking. She only liked writing essays when she truly understood a subject. Research was one thing, but understanding was quite another.

Was she willing to truly understand the body of Cavillors she had been fighting so adamantly for years? She closed her eyes in frustration. Even if she were to agree, she had no idea how to go about understanding them.

"Don't go falling asleep on me, Evans," James growled, and her eyes shot open to meet his. "I'm bored enough without knowing that you're comfortable."

"Believe me, I'm far from comfortable."

"You know," he said, mocking thoughtfulness, "I don't think you're ever comfortable…or carefree, I should say."

"How the hell can you say something like that? You don't know me."

"Perhaps…but you couldn't even begin to understand my friends and I, because we certainly know how to have fun."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, I understand you perfectly. I thought I already made that clear." Just after she finished, she frowned. Suddenly, she had an idea. James Potter didn't think she understood? Well, she would test that thesis…and prove him wrong.

James seemed very confused by the sudden smile curving Lily's mouth.

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Lily felt herself very close to falling asleep when Dumbledore's voice carried through the dungeons.

"Good evening, students. I apologize for the wait. It seems that almost everything has been cleared. We ask that you join us up here; there is still time for dinner in the Great Hall. After you leave, we shall finish cleaning the rest of the dungeons."

Lily heard the loud scrambling around them and realized that Dumbledore must have no idea that she and Potter were stuck down here.

"Kristen?" she inquired of the wall beside her. "When you go out, will you tell Dumbledore that we're stuck here?"
"Yes…We'll meet you in the Great Hall then."

Lily nodded, and then realized that there was no way Kristen or Selene would have seen that. She glanced across from her to see that James, in contrast to herself, had actually managed to drift off.

"Wake up, Potter!" Lily said loudly, causing him to whip his head up and open sleepy eyes. He focused on her, his glasses slipping slightly down his nose.

"Wha?"

Lily opened her mouth to reprimand him, for what she was not sure, when Dumbledore's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Lily? Your friend Kristen notified me of an extra mishap."

"Yes, sir. Potter and I are…stuck in here."

"I presumed as much," the reply came carefully. She heard a lot of scuffling, and then suddenly a passageway opened in front of her.

"I thought…" Lily trailed off, slightly confused as she pushed herself up, her legs aching from sitting in one position for so long.

"Oh, Severus Snape's potion lost its charm about thirty minutes ago. Thus I am now able to use magic to clear this." He indicated the rest of the debris with his wand.

"Oh, er- do you need any help, professor?" Lily asked as she glanced behind her to see Potter on his feet, grumbling and dreary-eyed.

"No, no, Miss Evans. You and Mister Potter may proceed to the Great Hall. I shall be just fine down here on my own. I do enjoy a bit of quiet from time to time. This will be meditative."

"Er, alright." Lily nodded and made her way through the now cleared doorway, quickly exiting the dungeons and not checking on Potter's progress behind her.

She was so relieved to get out of the darkness that she allowed herself a large smile. She silently reviewed her plans for the following day, and her grin widened. Surely this would be successful; it was rather brilliant, if she could be allowed a small amount of self-praise.

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James Potter awoke the next day feeling strange. He spared a glance out the window and decided that it was probably because he had awoken so early. He heard a loud snore behind him and turned to see Sirius hanging halfway off his bed.

With a shake of his head and a lopsided grin, James padded over to his trunk, which was splayed haphazardly under his own bed. He threw a few things out onto the floor until he located clean robes. He pulled his shirt off and threw it onto his bed, finding a clean one buried in the sheets. It smelled clean, anyhow. He grabbed his pillow with a smile and heaved it over his shoulder, knowing from past experience that it would hit Sirius somewhere near his head.

Sure enough, he heard a muffled cry from behind him. "Mdhf…"

"Yes, Padfoot? I didn't quite catch that."

"Damn you, Prongs. I was having a good dream."

James made a face and didn't reply.

"I bet you're only up because you had a dream involving Evans…you know, you were in there with her a long time yesterday. That's enough to fuel anyone's nightmares."

James continued to be silent; his friend was not terribly far from the truth. He wasn't having nightmares about Evans, but it had been restless last night, and she was the cause. More or less, that is. He wasn't quite sure what was bothering him so much. James was still annoyed with himself for having caved in; he had said he was sorry, and he wasn't sure if that was the truth or not. This girl confused the hell out of him. She's an Ausculto; obviously not worth your thoughts. Stop dwelling on things that don't matter.

He allowed himself a grin as he watched Sirius jump onto Remus's bed, knocking off the sheets and causing the werewolf to glare.

"I'll meet you kiddies downstairs," James smirked at them as he opened the door and disappeared. It was still rather early, and he noted the quiet lining the stairs. He rounded on the common room and was surprised to see that there was one person awake already. This was not as surprising, however, as the fact that it was a girl, and a girl he didn't know. He knew all the girls.

She turned as he treaded down the stairs, staring over at him with dark eyes. He stopped where he was, confused by the strange look she was sending him. It passed as quickly as it had come, and she smiled.

For some reason, that smile was not terribly welcoming, and yet, it drew him in. She had dark hair to match her eyes, he realized as he stepped closer.

"Er- hello." He smiled at her, and extended his hand.

She shook it carefully. "I'm, well, new here," she said, dropping his hand. "My name is L-Heather."

James nodded, "Well, I'm James Potter. You a Cavillor or an Ausculto?" He had to ask; it was customary. But if she was new, then perhaps…

She paused, and he was sure, only for a moment, that she understood him. Her face then turned blank. "A what?"

"Oh, right – you're new. Well, they're groups you see. We don't associate with one another, for good reasons." He paused. "I'm a Cavillor; you're welcome to follow my friends and I around today, if you'd like. We can…introduce you to the school and all. Unless, of course-"

"I'm a seventh year," the girl stated quickly, as if knowing what he was about to ask.

He frowned. "Me too…" He wondered something, and couldn't help but ask. "If you're new, why weren't you here at the Welcoming Feast? Or in classes the past couple of days?"
She hesitated. "It's…complicated. I had…family issues. Dumbledore said it would be alright if I came a few days late."

He seemed to accept her response, and was about to reply when he heard commotion on the stairs. Sirius was pushing Remus down the steps, while Peter followed behind them, yawning loudly into his hand. Remus stopped at the bottom of the steps, staring over at James and the girl.

"Er, hello," Remus extended awkwardly, looking even more confused than James.

"This is Heather," James waved a hand towards the girl, "and these are my friends; Sirius, Remus, and Peter."

She nodded at them, smiling almost absently. James wondered if he had awoken into an alternate life.

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The rest of the day passed somewhat like a dream, almost confirming James's suppositions. Most of it was completely the same; entirely normal. James realized that he liked this girl who called herself Heather. She was rather funny. He had the sneaking suspicion, however, that she was only laughing at his jokes to please him. This was where the feeling that he was in a dream came in.

Heather had caught on very quickly to the complexities of Hogwarts. For example, James thought she was only following them down the hall; but at times, she was the first person to turn down the correct corridor. She couldn't possibly know where she was going, could she?

She was bizarrely good at charms class. Her previous school must have been pretty damn good. James felt reminded of someone by the way she held her wand, and bit her lip when in concentration. As soon as he blinked, the feeling left him. He kept thinking he might wake up and wonder what he had been dreaming.

Now that they were in Professor Binns's class, James was left to his own thoughts. It was either that or fall asleep, after all. Sirius appeared to have already taken the latter route, and was drooling on his parchment. Remus had taken five words or so of notes, but was now staring out the window.

James felt someone nudge him from the left, and looked up. Heather was peering at him, and this gaze seemed more intimate than it should be. Where did he know this girl from? Was it possible?

"James…" she whispered. "I just wanted to thank you for letting me follow you around today."

He smiled. "It wasn't any trouble, trust me." He paused. "You aren't leaving or something after class, are you? Sirius over there would be extremely disappointed if you didn't eat dinner with us."

She frowned; her forehead creased. "Oh. Yes, I suppose I'll eat dinner with you." She met his eyes and smiled.

He thought he should say something else, judging by the way she was looking at him, but was saved by an abrupt dismissal from Professor Binns. The ghost disappeared into the back wall and James leaned over to shake Sirius awake. Perhaps if he could get his friend to start talking incessantly, Heather would not notice that he appeared to be chained to his thoughts and unable to figure something out.

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Lily escaped into the bathroom to recast her charms, else she would be left to transform back into herself in front of James and his friends. All in all, she thought she had been rather good at playing her part. She had only slipped twice in calling him Potter instead of James.

Nonetheless, she was irritated. These facts galled her; that she was in a good mood despite herself, and despite her inner resistance and her built-in objections to everything Cavillor, she had had a good time. Even now, when she realized that this was impossible and she should not be feeling this way, her emotions felt differently. Her brain may be reminding her of all the reasons why she should be keeping this impersonal, but her heart was thoroughly enjoying itself.

She heard a bang on the door, and smiled, again despite herself. "I'll be right out," she called, glancing at herself in the mirror.

The dark eyes and hair she had charmed onto herself were reflected back to her. She smiled; she had always been good at charms.

When she emerged from the bathroom, James was standing furthest from the door, but her eyes found him first. He grinned, but she could tell that his thoughts were elsewhere. In fact, he was looking at her with a very strange expression on his face…

Sirius grabbed her arm and threaded it through his own, pulling her down the corridor. "We thought of a new prank, Heather…would you care for me to enlighten you?"
She moved her glance away from James, who reluctantly began to follow them, his eyes still on her. "Oh-er-sure."

"I think you scare her a bit, Sirius," Remus cut in from where he was walking beside Peter.

Lily's glance found him smiling kindly. She had thought Remus seemed the most considerate of these boys, and this day had only confirmed her suspicions.

As Sirius launched into some new "bubble prank" he had invented, Lily felt her mind drifting away, though she nodded at the correct times. It was dinner time, and classes had passed normally, almost boringly, yet this day had been so different from all of her others that her mind was tired from attempting to catch up.

She thought Potter might have been right. His friends did know how to have fun, even if their idea of fun was a bit eccentric at times. She wasn't ready to agree with all of these ideas she had repulsed so quickly in the past.

As they entered the Great Hall, Lily spotted Kristen and Selene eating together at the Ausculto table. They looked up at Lily (or Heather) and the boys, and she almost waved to them when she realized that it was a ridiculous notion; she looked nothing like herself. She stared in amazement as her friends glared at her, not knowing that this was her. Perhaps she should have told them of her plans for today. She was afraid they would object to her idea of needing to understand Cavillors. It was rather ridiculous, and yet…yet she felt lighter than she had in years, even if the weight of this new knowledge was so heavy that she felt her eyelids wanting to fall shut. It would have helped, she supposed, had she known what this "new knowledge" was. At present, it was only a jumble of thoughts.

"Why so quiet, Heather?" James asked her as she carefully placed food on her plate. She could have sworn that James put extra emphasis on her name, but perhaps she was imagining things; that idea was not unlikely.

"Oh, I'm just…slightly overwhelmed."

Sirius smiled at her with food falling out of his mouth. Lily was suddenly struck by how much Sirius reminded her of Selene at times. She grinned.

As dinner drew to a close and they left the Great Hall, Sirius began chatting away about something they should go see on the third floor. As the neared the Gryffindor portrait hole, Lily felt that this would be the best time to make her escape. She reprimanded herself internally for actually wanting to spend the remainder of the evening with them.

"Well, I need to be finishing something back in my dorm. I think I'll leave you all here," she called out, causing Sirius to protest. Eventually, the boys nodded their assent and she turned away while they kept walking.

James who had been rather silent while walking behind them, stopped momentarily before passing her. She could feel his breath on her neck, and shivered. "I have to go finish my essay soon too, Lily," he whispered in her ear. She whipped around in surprise, wanting to search his face for an indication of something, anything, but found that he was already walking away, his back to her.

She frowned and sighed heavily; this was likely to infuse more awkwardness into the situation, next time she saw James as her normal self.

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"Where have you been, Lily?" Selene practically shouted at her as she shut the door behind her.

Kristen was staring at her in disbelief, blonde hair falling into her eyes. "You could have told us you would be gone all day," she reprimanded.

Lily closed her eyes for a moment and walked over to her bed, where she sat down. "I'm sorry," she said, and meant it. "Really, I am. I should have left you a note or something this morning."

"Well," Selene continued with only slightly less force, "where were you then?"

Lily hesitated. "I was…doing something for Dumbledore." It wasn't an outright lie, she realized as she noticed the short paragraph she had written earlier was sitting near her pillow. She would have to write the rest of that essay tonight, when all she really wanted to do was sit in bed and organize her thoughts.

Selene shook her head. "I'm not sure if I like you being Head Girl, if you're going to disappear on us randomly." The dark-haired girl seemed to realize that her tone was harsh; she softened. "I don't mean to yell at you…it's just that we were worried, when you didn't show up for classes or meals."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll tell you next time, I promise. I was just in a bit of a hurry this morning."

Kristen patted her shoulder reassuringly. "No worries. I'm just glad you're safe." She glanced at the parchment Lily had been lamenting a moment earlier. "Do you have to finish that tonight?"

"Yeah…" Lily rubbed her eyes. "I think I'd better go to the Heads common room to finish this. I left a few books down there for reference." She rose from the bed, brushing her once more auburn hair from her eyes.

"Well you have fun with that," Selene grinned at her. "I hope you don't run into Potter there."

Lily hoped so too. What on earth was she supposed to do now? They couldn't possibly act the same towards each other, but she wasn't ready to admit defeat. She couldn't be nice to him either; it was almost morally wrong to consider that possibility. Her confusion outweighed her ability to think coherently, and she made her way down the steps and out the portrait hole in silence, though she thought she had waved at one Ausculto who called hello.

She was finally beginning to regret her decision to go "undercover" and attempt to "understand" Cavillors. She should have written the essay without this extra research. She may have felt lighter earlier, but she was now feeling her fault. Things, in general, could not remain the same.

She mumbled the password to the Three Musketeers, who bowed and allowed her entrance to the common room. Lily almost smiled at the irony, but swallowed any possible amusement as James Potter turned to look at her.

She couldn't handle his gaze; not again. She took a few steps closer and glared at him. "If you knew it was me, why did you play along? Did you want to see me make a fool of myself, or are you just extremely twisted?" She dropped the finger she had been waving.

James sighed and tilted his head. She took a step back this time, feeling the heaviness in his gaze. He was much taller than her. His voice was quiet, but low, "I didn't know…not until just before dinner."
"I-" Lily was seriously at a loss for words, and his stare was not helping. "Will you stop staring at me? I can't think when you're doing that!"

"No."

She let out a breath. "No? Bloody hell, you really are out of your mind."

There was a pause. "You want to know what I think?" He suddenly seemed closer.

"No."

"I think," James continued anyway, "that you had a good time today." The corners of his mouth curved when she shifted uncomfortably. "I think that you realized that I am human, that I have very loyal friends, and that you- you actually enjoyed yourself."

Lily's eyes flashed, and then darkened; she lifted her gaze from the floor and returned it to his face. "You have no idea what I'm thinking."

There was another long pause, but this time Lily refused to break their gaze, despite the fact that he was suddenly close to her again. She took another step back.

He noticed her discomfort and something in his eyes changed. "Sometimes…sometimes, Evans, you do things before you truly think about them…and at times, the result is something better than you could have thought up. If it really feels like precisely what you should do, then right and wrong are only negligible concepts."

Lily was not sure if he was addressing the Cavillor's general theory on how to handle Voldemort, or their own personal dilemma, but her suspicions aimed for the latter, and she couldn't help but let the corners of her mouth tip upwards through her confusion.

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A/N: Things are about to become high-tension between our dear friends. -Rubs hands together- I love confusion. I don't really like this chapter though. I felt like most of it was simply a sentence to fill the gap between one event and the next. I will hope that you all don't dislike it too, but you know...

I hope you're all enjoying your holidays. I enjoyed the time off work, that's certainly true. This week I am not so fortunate…I have one day off, so that's good. Lol, I'm working New Year's Eve again, which means I will be up very late. Last year I sold tickets for the cash bar (It's a country club, so normally we don't deal with cash), and most people were so drunk it was fairly laughable…the woman behind me was dancing, right in front of the saxophone player, like Elaine from Seinfeld (and if you are unfamiliar, that means very bad, and very funny). Oh well. It's still much better than going back to school.

I'm on another tangent, I apologize. Thanks for reading, of course. I'll be working on chapter four soon ;)

Emily