Chapter Five - Without Reason

Lily felt her calm slipping away. Her hand was numb from writing so frequently and she was sure this would never end. When had seventh year become so grueling? She didn't remember seventh years complaining in the past, but then again, her friends were not complaining either. It's your fault you have so much work. You're the one who signed up for all of these classes. She sighed, feeling her mind begin to wander as it was apt to do. She only wished it would wander someplace worthwhile.

Lily's eyes fell shut and she rubbed at her temples. The common room seemed unnaturally warm, although she couldn't say it was an unpleasant feeling. Something about it calmed her.

She opened her eyes slowly, wanting instead to fall asleep, and noticed a pair of dark eyes watching her from across the room. James was seated on the Cavillor side, naturally, while the look he was giving her was most decidedly not natural. She pursed her lips together and his eyes continued to blaze. Did he expect her to react? They were in a room filled with people; Auscultos surrounding her and Cavillors surrounding him.

She was unable to glance away. She thought this might have something to do with how tired she was. Either way, Lily was glad when Sirius Black threw his quill at James, who immediately looked away.

They hadn't spoken in days. In fact, they had said little more than two words to one another since their conversation on the quidditch pitch. He had been watching her, though. She could feel it; in classes, in the Great Hall, and here in the common room. She got the same warm feeling every time. You only know he's been watching you because you keep looking at him. You could obtain endless information from a simple glance, most of the time. James confused her, however, and she drew nothing from his looks. Nothing rational, anyway.

"Hello Lily! Where were you all day?" Kristen dropped into the seat next to her, and Selene placed herself on the armrest, smiling.

"In the library," Lily grumbled. "And I don't want to know what you two were doing, thanks."

"Why? Because you know we had a thousand times more fun than you did?" Selene continued grinning. "I don't understand why you do this to yourself. Just shut the book and put the quill down."

"Oh, alright," Lily muttered begrudgingly, knowing that as soon as this story was over, she would have to go back to studying.

Selene nodded in satisfaction. "Right then. You know the Hufflepuff keeper?"

"The Ausculto?" Lily asked wearily.

Selene looked affronted. "Of course, are you daft? Well, we ran into him in the hallway, and he was rather flirty."

Kristen laughed. "You mean you were rather flirty. I think he got the hint."

"Whatever." Selene waved a hand. "Either way, I'm going to Hogsmeade with him next weekend."

"Next weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend?" Lily frowned.

"Oh, Lily. You really should climb out of those books more often."

Selene nodded in agreement. "I think we should find you a date."

Lily snorted. "Do I ever have dates?"

"Exactly…you need some excitement in life. Is there anyone in particular you would want to go with?"

Lily felt her eyes begin to wander again, but she forced them back; looking at him now would be good for no one. "No."

"Alright then. My choice." Selene looked positively gleeful, and even Kristen had the sense to look slightly worried.

"Er- yeah." Lily attempted to laugh wearily, but it turned into a yawn instead. "I think perhaps I'll go to bed. I'll see you two in the morning."

"Or we might wake you up later."

"Unless you want to be severely hexed, you won't."

"Point taken. Good night, Lily."

"Night." She piled all of her books and balanced them on her hip as she walked slowly across the room. She was sure that warmth was from his eyes again; the fire was nowhere near her.

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The next morning found Lily in Charms class, which she was mildly glad for, though still exhausted. She had little time to think of much more than her assignments. She felt his eyes every once in a while, and chose to ignore them. They would need to talk soon, for the benefit of beginning this task they had undertaken. They were going to work together. Lily almost laughed; the entire situation was absurd. She might be making a huge mistake.

While the Head Girl attempted to focus on the new retraction charm they were learning, Selene leaned over and whispered, "You need to relax, Lily."

Lily shifted in her chair. "I am relaxed."

"No, you aren't. Then why are you sitting so stiffly? You look horrible."

"Well thanks. That helps a lot." Lily bit the end of her quill, suddenly cross in addition to tired and frustrated.

She ignored her friends for the rest of the lesson. She knew they meant well, but sometimes she just wanted to be left alone to wallow in her own issues. So she wasn't relaxed, what did that matter? Even if she were to unwind, she would still have endless work to do.

The class ended with little excitement, and Lily gathered her things slowly; there were a few hours before her next class. Kristen sighed and watched her friend unhurriedly screw the cap on her ink bottle, students filtering past them. Just as Lily turned to leave, James bumped into her. She looked up and their eyes locked. She was about to say something, but it was too difficult to maintain an unsuspicious facial expression; besides, he was dropping something lightly into her pocket. She watched as he swept past her, glancing over at her friends to make sure they had not seen.

"Why didn't you yell at him?" Selene asked curiously.

"I-it…just wasn't worth it."

"She's worn-out," Kristen supported, leading the way out the door. She glanced back at Selene, "Perhaps next time you'll be glad to help her out in the way of insults."

Lily balanced her books on one arm and let the other hand slip into the pocket of her robes. She fingered the small piece of parchment James had dropped inside. What could he possibly have to say to her? Her fingertips brushed over the edges, and she distantly heard Kristen laugh at something Selene had said. The blonde looked back at her and Lily offered a brief smile.

They reached the broad doors of the Great Hall and Lily decided that she could look at the note quickly without her friends noticing. She pulled it out and smoothed the edges.

Meet me in the Heads common room. Please.

That was it? Lily sighed, stuffing the note back into her pocket. What did he want? Just as Selene and Kristen were about to enter the Great Hall, they glanced back at her again.

"Coming, Lily?" Kristen asked gently.

"No…I- have something I need to do," Lily frowned.

"Are you okay?" Selene appeared concerned.

"I'm fine," Lily composed herself and smiled at her friends lightly. "Just tired, thanks. I'll meet you later."

They nodded. Lily carefully shifted her books and continued down the corridor to her left. She was glad that she hadn't had time to talk to James lately; her mind had been able to settle slightly. She was a little nervous as she approached the portrait of the Three Musketeers, but she wasn't sure why. They bowed to her when she repeated the password, and she entered the Heads common room, squinting to adjust to the light. There were only a few flames lining the walls, and it appeared that James had lit the fireplace. He was standing in front of it, slightly bent over, as she entered.

He straightened and turned, his eyes slowly rising to her face.

"You came," he said.

She stepped closer, able to see his face more clearly now. "Why wouldn't I?" She laid a hand on the back of the couch, which sat in front of the fireplace and in front of him.

He shifted his feet. "I don't know."

Lily glanced around them, having trouble holding her eyes to his. "Well…" She sighed."What did you want?" she asked, becoming slightly impatient, but still intrigued.

"We haven't talked in awhile."

She frowned. "Yes…"

He realized that he wasn't answering her directly, and shook himself. He finally moved from his position by the fireplace, lowering the tension slightly. "I'm sorry…it's just that I was beginning to wonder if this…turn of events was all a dream."

She smiled at him hesitantly, moving to the other side of the couch and sitting down. "Would it be a good dream or a bad one?" Her eyes slipped shut as she sank into the cushions. When he didn't answer, she glanced up at him. He gave a start and seated himself next to her cautiously, like she might still pounce on him.

She sat up straighter in an attempt to keep herself awake. "What are we doing again?"

James loosened somewhat, and to her great relief, moved his gaze to the fire. "I have no bloody idea."

Lily rubbed her neck. "Either way, I am…glad not to be arguing. I'm exhausted." She lowered her gaze to the ground, her eyes half-shut.

James watched the firelight reflecting off of her hair. "So…as you said before. How are we going to interfere with Voldemort's plans?"

Lily sighed. "We have to get the groups to stop fighting, naturally. We all need to work together, as funny as that sounds."

James laughed softly. "And how do you propose we go about this?"

Lily turned her eyes towards him. "I propose nothing. See, I was hoping you would help me out here."

He raised an eyebrow and ran a hand through his hair. She found that this no longer irritated her in the same way. "Er- it's funny you should ask me. Who says I'm intelligent?"

"You're Head Boy. I should hope you're intelligent."

He laughed. "Only on my good days."

Lily took a deep breath, turning her body to face his. "Why is this so easy?"

"Easy? What's easy?" He frowned.

"This," she gestured between them. "We aren't fighting. It's so easy to be relaxed around you. I should hate you, but I can't."

He smiled knowingly. "I have charm."

"Yeah, right." She smirked, wishing he would not give her that grin.

He sobered. "I know what you mean. I forget, when I'm around you alone, that I should hate you. You're just Lily. Not an Ausculto."

"Oh, but I am an Ausculto."

He paused. "I know."

"And you're a Cavillor."

"And that makes us?"

Lily shrugged. "Enemies, of course."

"Yes, that is a shame," he reached over and pushed a strand of hair behind her ears.

Her eyes shot up at this gesture and she blushed slightly at the warm trail his fingers left. If he had this effect on everyone, she was sure this was the source of his confidence. She cleared her throat, not willing to melt into silliness. "Anyway, about getting the groups together…"

He pulled back, his grin fading but still watching her closely. "Yes?"

"There are a lot of ways we can go about this, but I'm not sure that any of them will work."

"This is nearly impossible, so I suppose it doesn't matter." He shrugged, prompting her to continue.

"Yes, well. I think we should do research."

He rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Here we go…"

"You don't even know me," she frowned.

"I know you do research endlessly."

She ignored him and continued. "We should gather everything that we can; everything that would support this opinion that we should reunite, because we are only hurting ourselves by staying separate. And then, once we have everything ready, we can present it. In a meeting or something."

"Do you really think that will work?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

He threw up his hands. "Alright. But don't you think we shouldn't be sitting around doing research for months on end? Shouldn't we start this a little more quickly?"

"What? Unprepared? Do you even realize what's going to happen when we start this thing? Do you-"

"We don't have a bunch of extra time to sit around revising our research! Voldemort is killing more people every week, and in a month, it could be every day. Do you want to risk the lives of more people because you feel the need to check your notes?"

"I should have known you would...you're a Cavillor, after all." Her eyes flashed. "How can you even suggest that I don't care? I'm muggleborn! I care a whole bloody lot about all of those people! My life is in danger."

"No more than mine," he grumbled under his breath.

"You know, if we can't even decide on this together, I don't think this is going to work. I'm tired and not in the mood to argue." She began climbing to her feet. "I'll just do this alone."

James's forehead creased. "No." He gently pushed her back onto the couch. "I'm…sorry."

She looked at him guardedly. "No…I am. I have no patience right now. I have a million things to do tonight. We can compromise later, I suppose."

He smiled sadly. "Do you want help?

She looked up at him with a wry smile. "How on earth can you help me? Are you going to do my essays for me? Because I don't know if I trust-"

"No no, of course not. I hate essays. I mean, do you want help relaxing?"
She blushed, not sure what he meant.

He sensed her discomfort and straightened, turning to face her completely. "You're a little too uptight about all of this work."

"Like I said, you don't know me."

"Don't I? I'm a terribly good judge of character, if I do say so myself." He supported his comment with a lop-sided grin. "And it also happens that I know exactly how to relax you."

She cursed her genes for causing her face to visibly color. Nevertheless, her voice never faltered. "What is your suggestion, then, doctor?"

"Doctor?" James frowned.

Lily laughed. "Healer."

"Right." He rubbed his chin. "Take a deep breath."

She did as he instructed, her eyes never leaving his. "And?"

"And loosen your body."

Lily almost laughed, but attempted it anyway.

He shook his head. "No, you're only tightening yourself." He leaned over, placing his hands on either of her arms. She immediately tensed, staring at him. He wasn't looking at her face, and didn't notice. He gently rubbed one of her arms, and she thought she could feel his fingers distinctly through her robes. Against the will of her mind, her arms did begin to loosen, and she felt herself sinking into the couch. Her eyes slipped shut, and she smiled serenely.

When she opened her eyes, he was watching her, his hands still on her arms.

"Can you do wandless magic?" She asked.

"I don't think so." He was looking at her strangely.

Lily seemed to come back to herself. "Right," she straightened, pulling away from him gently. "I need…to get back. I have class soon, I think." She got to her feet.

He groaned. "You see, you're still not relaxed." He looked up at her with that grin. "Oh well. We'll continue the lesson some other time."

Lily blushed, no longer sure of herself. James was looking at her like…she had only ever kissed one boy. It had never amounted to anything. This was ridiculous; she couldn't be having these thoughts. "Er- thanks James."

He shrugged. "I'm glad we're friends, Lily." She found that she liked her name when he said it.

"Who said anything about friends? I thought we were only working together." Lily smirked.

"Yes, well. We have to make some compromises next time, remember that."

Lily smiled at him briefly, leaving him spread out on the couch and staring into the fire.

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Lily Evans smiled to herself as she stared at Professor Binns. Normally, she would be falling asleep on her notes. She had slept rather well last night, however, and found herself in a much better mood.

Kristen laughed at her. "You've been awfully perky this morning," she whispered.

Selene overheard. "I guess you found a way to relax." She smiled at her friends.

"Er-" Lily shrugged, looking down. "I guess so."

They fell silent for a moment, until Selene chuckled softly. "By the way, Lily, I think I found someone you could ask to Hogsmeade."

Lily frowned and looked at her black-haired friend. "What?"

"You like quidditch players, right? He's-"

"There is no quidditch this year."

Selene rolled her eyes in exasperation. "That's beside the point. He's a Ravenclaw and very cute. I was going to tell him you were interested-"

"You what?" Lily turned in her seat to glare at Selene.

"-but Kristen stopped me."

"Thanks," she mumbled to Kristen, who smiled.

"Anyway, I hope you'll think about it." Selene quieted on a glare from the ghost professor.

"Mm." Lily refused to give a direct answer, and was glad for the professor's hushing. When she was sure that her friends were thoroughly bored and falling asleep, she allowed her eyes to glance over at James. His hair was a little less messy today, and she found that she wanted to mess it up. Or maybe just touch it, and that was a good excuse. She thought she knew now why Cavillor girls liked his hair so much. She wondered if any Auscultos had ever noticed. Oh Merlin, you are going batty.

She was about to look away because she thought Lucius Malfoy was watching her, when James turned and their eyes locked inevitably. He noticed her slight smile, which she had been unable to rid herself of, and smiled back. Her lips immediately thinned and she looked away in slight panic. Her eyes scanned around her to make sure nobody had seen that. Selene was snoring lightly, and Kristen was drawing a doodle on her parchment. Malfoy was staring straight at her, however. She scowled, and stared back at him until he looked away, a smirk on his face.

Lily glanced back at James angrily. Why did he have to be so stupid and careless? He was going to get them into trouble. She mouthed, "Meet me in the Heads common room," and promptly looked away, hoping he had understood. They could not settle this in public.

She waited the last thirty minutes of class without moving her head away from the professor once, mostly because thoughts were running through her mind endlessly, leaving little room for movement. She told Selene and Kristen, once again, that she would meet them in the Great Hall for lunch. She didn't even feel bad for lying this time. Besides, she wasn't really; she had never told them where she was going, and so they could not assume.

She walked quickly to the Heads common room, still slightly angry, though she wasn't sure what had triggered her temper so quickly. She entered the room and found it empty. He had better be here soon, she thought, I'm hungry. Lily leaned over to glance again at the books lining the bookshelf, many of which she was sure Dumbledore had placed there on purpose. Dumbledore…perhaps they should ask him how they should begin this. He would be thrilled, she was sure.

Lily didn't hear James until he was standing right behind her, and she jumped slightly before turning around. She laid the book she had been holding down on the table next to her. She glared at him, and he frowned. "You need to be more careful, James!"

"What?"

"You can't just smile at me in the middle of class, somebody will see!"

"Oh, and I suppose you think you've been careful!" His eyes darkened and he stepped closer to her. She laid a hand on the table to steady herself.

"Yes, I have."

"Then why were you staring at me with a smile on your face?"

"I wasn't smiling!"

"You were!"

Lily took a deep breath and bit her lip. She sighed, her eyes slipping. "This isn't about us, remember?"

James made a sour face. "There is no us."

Their eyes met and Lily felt something run through her. "I meant," she began, "that this is about defeating Voldemort…not about our inability to…I don't know." She rubbed at her left eye.

James stepped closer. "I know what you meant."

Lily shifted uncomfortably.

"And I know what you mean. But I want to know what you feel." James felt slightly embarrassed, but ran a hand through his hair and continued watching her.

"What- what I feel?" Her voice sounded strange to her ears. She would have laughed, if she didn't feel so overwhelmed.

James continued to stare at her as he covered her hand on the table. Her fingers tingled and she froze.

"I know that you said we were only working together, but...I look at you and I am…going mad." He shook his head and clenched his jaw. "So I need to know how you feel."

She took her hand away, feeling the weight of this admission. He couldn't possibly be suggesting that…no. There was no way. She stepped back and there was a hard look on her face and a set to her jaw as she said, "James, we – we can't. It's bad enough that I- we just can't." She went around him, not knowing how he could even bring this up. They had been talking civilly for less than two weeks. That didn't constitute a friendship, let alone anything else.

He turned around to watch her, looking very awkward for once. She suspected he had never said anything like that to a girl. She had noticed that they all came chasing after him. Perhaps this was only part of his plan to get her to relax, because he couldn't possibly…she groaned, telling herself to stop it. Before she reached the door, she turned to look at him. "I thought we could talk to Dumbledore, either tonight or tomorrow. Maybe he can help." She waited for him to nod, and then left wondering when she had lost all ability to reason.

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A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews. I believe I replied to all of you, and I'm going to reply to anonymous reviews here, since I can't do so otherwise.

DKLili- aw, I really do love seeing your name, because I thought most people gave up on this story long ago. I'm glad you liked the last chapter.

Cetesy- You are too sweet. Lol, cringing is a lot of fun, isn't it? I was putting together my senior portfolio for English, and basically everything I've ever written makes me cringe. That's probably not a good sign, but oh well. That's exactly how I feel...about the love story, I mean. It's not supposed to be explainable, because that's what makes it fun. And I promise I'm not only saying that because this story doesn't make sense half the time ;) Anyway, thanks very much, again.

And now, I sadly have to get started on my homework, when I really would like to start on chapter six. There's some good stuff coming along…well perhaps, if you kindly leave me a review, I'll consider abandoning my analysis of Wuthering Heights for AP Lit and write instead. Well, actually, that'll probably happen anyway. But the point is that I appreciate your feedback ;) Thanks again for reading, you all are great!

Emily