Chapter Twenty-Two - Climbing Another Rung on the Ladder
Lily had always been the Head Girl type, at least on the surface. She had convinced herself of that identity. But she wasn't really contemplative; that was Kristen's trademark after all. She wasn't altogether cunning, as many Head Girls had been in the past; that was Selene's area of duty. Was she intelligent? Well yes, she supposed she could give herself that.
And practical, realistic, grounded – those were the traits that she had always prided herself in having. Those were the traits that defined her character, the ones she was sure others saw in her. And now…well, she felt as if they had slipped away. Certainly a practical person would have known to get out of the situation with Levent. Certainly a realistic one would realize that Sirius Black had potentially messed with her drink, and have stopped drinking it. Certainly…but it didn't really matter. James was not going to forgive her, and she understood the reality in that.
Lily quickly realized that it was only too easy to eat, study, and sleep in close proximity to a person and ignore them completely at the same time – especially when said person wanted nothing to do with her. At least, they both did a satisfactory job of appearing to; emotions were quite another matter.
"Daydreaming about the precious Slytherins again?" A deep, snide voice rang out from behind her. Lily realized that she had been staring at the door leading out of the Heads Room for quite some time.
With a soft sigh, she spun around to face what could only become another fruitless argument; there had been many lately, when they did happen to acknowledge one another. But her well-practiced stinging comment fell short in her throat, and only a strangled sort of breath came out. He had taken to doing this to her lately.
James was standing just outside the bathroom that they shared, freshly showered and clad only in a towel, wrapped low around his waist. Before this week, she had never seen him shirtless. She was fairly new to relationships and even when she and James would become heavy on the couch, she had never been so bold as to remove much of his clothing; mostly for the reason that she wasn't sure what she would do if that happened.
She couldn't help herself; her eyes moved of their own accord, drinking in the broad, white skin of his chest – his slight tan had faded with the warm weather. She loved the little trail of dark hair crossing down his lower stomach and disappearing into what she realized was a very loose towel, one that could at any moment slip and pool around his feet. The thought made her face heat involuntarily and by some sudden strength of will she pulled her emerald eyes towards his face.
She would have accused James of doing this for the sole purpose of teasing her, but the expression on his face made her think twice. He looked a bit confused, watching her closely as he leaned against the door, goose bumps appearing on his arms. He must have been wondering why she'd become mute. Frowning, he glanced down at himself and then realization crossed his face. James looked back up at her and smirked carefully, standing a bit straighter.
There was a long moment of silence and Lily almost wished that she was still sleeping. She had never been so physically attracted to James before and it was terribly embarrassing. By the look on his face, he knew this.
She scowled; she hated how transparent she was sometimes. "Don't you smirk at me," she snapped, trying to get her blush under control.
He simply shrugged and she was taken aback – there wasn't going to be any yelling? That was the only thing they did consciously around one another anymore. He wasn't even going to make a rude remark? Accuse her of something?
She stared in awe as he casually walked past her – a little closer than was necessary to reach his bedroom door – and the smell of his soap reached her nose. Lily almost didn't notice when he entered his room and flipped the door shut with his foot.
"Damn," she muttered under her breath, trying to clear her head. What was wrong with her? She knew she had no right, considering the circumstances of this fight, to be angry with him. But she was weary of ignored apologies, and frustrated that she may never get to touch him again.
After a few moments of collection, she remembered that she had been heading to the Great Hall for breakfast before her thoughts had interrupted her.
Lily reached the Great Hall and sat down with something rather close to a scowl on her face. Kristen was already there, picking at her food and watching Remus pick at his.
Lily dropped her books down on the seat beside her and turned to face Kristen, "Where's Selene?"
"With Sirius, of course."
"They've found some kind of special place to think of obnoxious things to do to people," Remus added sleepily. "Honestly, I don't know how those two are so energetic in the morning."
Lily made a noise of disgust. "I have no desire to know what they might be planning."
Kristen shrugged, still eating small bites rather unenthusiastically. Lily frowned and wished she could do something to improve the situation for her friend. She and Remus both liked each other – that much was obvious – but something had gone wrong on their date. When she asked Kristen about it, the blonde wouldn't say much, only that she had done something completely idiotic. Lily didn't believe her, but she also had no idea how to argue with her without knowing the circumstances of the dilemma.
She glanced sidelong at Remus, who was flipping through a Defense book to the chapter they were supposed to have read before class that day. Perhaps there was something she could do about it. Merlin knows she hadn't been a good friend lately; maybe this would make up for some of that.
Her thoughts were cut short by the arrival of Selene and Sirius, looking too pleased with themselves for their own good. She suspiciously glanced at Selene's flushed face as the girl settled into the seat next to Lily.
Selene began piling food onto her plate as if she was never going to eat again. Lily was about to ask what she had been up to when the mail owls arrived – she had taken to getting the Daily Prophet lately; she liked to be up on things, even if some of the journalists were slightly biased at times. Lately though, the daily routine of reading the newspaper only caused her more anxiety, what with all the new attacks. Taking a deep breath, she caught the paper the owl dropped into her lap and unfolded it. The front page was enough to drop anyone's spirits; even Selene and Sirius fell silent when they caught a glimpse of the headline. The grins were wiped off their faces and they focused on their food. Lily began to read to herself.
Four Muggles Discovered Dead in a London Flat
The bodies of Mark and Susan Dorwall and their two sons were discovered in their flat in London on Monday night, dead but otherwise untouched. The Muggles are still searching for a medical explanation, but the wizarding world has never been more aware of the presence of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He has struck again, this time for no apparent cause except perhaps greed.
"I don't believe any of it. He wasn't looking for anything from those Muggles except practice," commented a Magical Law Enforcement official working on the case. There has been much speculation of a massive attack on the prominent Auror families of Great Britain. There are whispers among the Ministry about confidential information regarding the subject, but the simple facts of when and where are indefinite…
Lily looked up, feeling drained and not caring to read more. None of it made any sense. If only they could find a pattern to these attacks; a method to the way Voldemort killed, they might have a chance to stop him, at least once or twice. But he was so unpredictable and so powerful that anyone and everyone felt helpless. Silly things that she worried about, such as her reaction to a scantily clad James, seemed very miniscule in comparison. Of course, by focusing on such simple things she took her mind off of the world at large, which was getting worse by the day. It was really the only way to get up in the morning without feeling completely hopeless.
She realized for the first time that James was sitting diagonally across from her, reading his own copy of the Daily Prophet that his parents paid to have sent to him each day. His face was becoming paler by the minute, his dark eyes flickered back and forth quickly as he read.
It hit her abruptly why he should be so affected; how could she have forgotten? James's parents were both Aurors. If there were rumors about an attack on the most prominent of them, the Potters would certainly be included. What a horrible way to start the Christmas holidays. She felt a rush of sadness for James and wished that she could comfort him somehow, to tell him it would be alright even though they both knew that it might not be. But she could do nothing with the situation, so she sat watching him and twisting her hands in her lap.
James looked up after a moment and their eyes met; something passed between them. A flicker of hope came across Lily, but left just as quickly when he tore his eyes away, frowning and looking like he was having a silent battle inside. Lily sadly lowered her emerald eyes to her full plate. He would never forgive her, she decided. And the worst part of the situation was knowing that she completely and irreversibly deserved it.
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
Lily and Kristen left the Great Hall together, Kristen's books scattered in her arms and Lily's in a bag she slung over her shoulder. Selene and Sirius were trailing a few feet behind them, surprisingly silent; maybe they had already used up all of their energy.
"Hey Lily!" A girl's voice rang out from behind them.
Lily groaned softly. When Mariana, Clover's younger sister, had first started helping them she had been very soft-spoken and reluctant to do anything wrong. Now, with only a few days left until the masquerade, Lily was happy if she could find an hour without being pestered. Not that she didn't like Mariana, it was just…
"I couldn't find you in the Great Hall! I was-"
Kristen spoke up softly, "Did you have a question, Mariana?"
"We have everything planned already, and we're going to set up Saturday night after dinner – which will be earlier than usual, actually more of a late lunch – and that's all we have left to do," Lily said in a rush.
Mariana surveyed them with a funny expression in her blue eyes. "I know," she said.
Lily frowned. "Then why were you looking for me?"
"I just wanted to see if you had a good night last night."
Lily's forehead creased, but she nodded. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Kristen biting her lip and emitting a strange sort of cough into her hand. "Er- yes, it was very good. Um, and did you?"
"Oh, yes! Clover and I went down to the lake and-"
She cut off as James quickly bushed by Lily, causing her to involuntarily shiver. Lily watched as he glanced back at the three girls and shook his head.
Kristen put a hand on Lily's arm and turned to Mariana. "I'm sorry, but we'd better get to class now or McGonagall might have a spasm when we come in late."
Mariana giggled, "Okay, see you later!" She rushed off down the hall to join a group of fellow third years.
"Oh boy," a female voice behind Lily and Kristen sighed. They turned just as Selene grabbed their arms and pulled them towards McGonagall's room. Sirius was running up behind them yelling,
"Hey, wait up!"
"Why did you leave him?" Kristen looked over her shoulder, confused.
"He was being a bad boy."
Lily snorted as they entered the classroom and she took a seat between the other two girls. Sirius skidded in a moment later and McGonagall shut the door behind him. He grinned at Selene and took a seat behind her, where Remus, James, and Peter were sitting.
Transfiguration had never been a favorite of Lily's, and after about five minutes of Professor McGongall's lecture, her attention span was beginning to wane. They weren't going to be doing any spells today, only taking notes, and so far the only thing that Lily had on her paper was her name and a little doodle beside it.
Her mind kept playing over the morning's events and she could only wonder why they had had such an effect on her. It wasn't as if she had never seen a shirtless boy before; she'd seen loads. But somehow it was different. This was James, and although she had never been quite this attracted to him, she thought it had something to do with the fact that she knew how well he kissed. And she knew that she couldn't just turn around in her chair and kiss him right now, or after class, or anytime she wanted.
But it was this desire to do just that, to be reckless and say she didn't care what happened, that was new to her. She wasn't used to having overpowering urges like this; she had always been in control of her emotions before. It was the way a Head Girl was supposed to be.
She glanced sideways at Selene, whose eyelids were slowly sliding shut. Perhaps her friends could be of some help. She hastily scribbled a few sentences on her paper and poked Selene in the side, sliding the paper in front of her.
This might sound a little funny, but I need your help. It's about James.
A look crossed over Selene's face, almost a smirk, and she intently leaned over the piece of parchment to write back.
Funny? It's always about James. I am the master at solving these kinds of problems, so let's hear it.
Well, I feel different around him. Like right now, I would like nothing better than to turn around and snog him.
Selene raised an eyebrow and smirked widely.
I thought you were still arguing with him, even though he's the one who should be angry. But that never lasts. Anyway, what caused this change of heart?
Lily was interrupted momentarily by Sirius Black's voice ringing out across the classroom. "Professor – what would be the – ah – practical application for this lesson?"
McGonagall's lips tightened; she hated it when students, specifically Sirius Black, asked that sort of question, because she knew they were mocking her.
"This lesson, Mr. Black, will help you with real life."
"So what we've been learning until now prepared us for imaginary life?"
McGongall was not amused, but she seemed to steady herself as she continued with the lesson.
Lily turned back to the note and briefly explained the shirtless ordeal and how she was sure he was going to do it on purpose now, after two obvious incidences of her staring.
And you can't take the teasing, right? Well, I have the solution.
And?
Tease him back.
How the bloody – And how do you propose I do that?
Ah, an inexperienced child. I knew you'd be asking me about these things eventually.
Please quit being annoying, I'm serious.
Alright, fine. I'll let you borrow some of my clothes. I mean – the sexy ones. I think James will find them to his liking, trust me.
Kristen had been watching this exchange for the past few minutes and Lily had scarcely finished reading Selene's reply before Kristen snatched it away. It took a moment for her to read it and write something, but Lily soon found it under her nose again. She bent forward to read it, just as Kristen leaned over apologetically and added something else.
You're not honestly going to listen to her again, are you Lily? Look what happened last time.
then again, what else do you have to lose? I change my mind, this could be amusing.
Lily read it with a frown on her face; why had she ever asked her friends for help? She jumped when McGonagall's hand appeared in front of her face and snatched the note from her hand.
"You girls seem very interested in your note-taking, except I'm willing to guess that this note has nothing to do with Transfiguration," McGonagall surveyed them with a stern eye and then held the note in front of her to peruse. When she finished, she glanced down at the three girls and raised her eyebrow.
A chant of "Read it! Read it!" came from where Sirius Black was seated behind them.
McGonagall sent a look in his direction. "There's no reason to intrude upon privacy, so long as it doesn't happen again." She muttered a spell and the note went flying towards the trash bin, where it was shredded and fluttered inside.
Even as the professor said sharply, "Ten points from Gryffindor!" Lily could swear that she saw a slight smile playing at McGonagall's lips.
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
The day went by slowly, so slowly that Lily was about to pull her hair out. She was still confused about James and her quick change of feelings for him. No, not feelings in general – just certain types of feelings. The past week the two of them had been arguing nonstop. She knew that she shouldn't be arguing with him, that she should be apologizing, but she had tried so many times and every time only been insulted by him. She deserved that too. Holding in a large sigh of regret, she tuned back into her friends' conversation as they entered Gryffindor Tower.
"I can't believe Dumbledore is issuing an earlier curfew – as if we can't take care of ourselves," Selene mumbled, a scowl on her face. Kristen uttered something in agreement.
The Headmaster had indeed announced during dinner that a new curfew was being put into place to help keep the students safe. It was undoubtedly a result of the growing number of attacks and everyone understood the reasoning. But that didn't stop them from being annoyed.
Lily must have looked pitiful and very out of it, because Selene startled her by laying a hand on her shoulder. "It's alright, Lily. We'll be sure to make James suffer in the same way."
Lily sighed. "He doesn't deserve to suffer. I do."
Selene stared at her as they walked into the girls' dorm. "True, but I don't like seeing you so upset…"
"Besides," Kristen edged in, "as I said earlier – this could be amusing."
"Maybe for you!" Lily's eyes looked towards her friends, "I'm mortified just thinking about it, thank you very much."
"Aw Lily, you're just not used to the art of seduction."
Lily grinned, "And I suppose you are, Selene?"
"Of course, I mastered it long ago."
"I'll be willing to vouch for that…" Kristen smirked.
Lily matched her smirk. "And why exactly would you say this?"
"Now wait a minute – this isn't about me…" Selene shook her head. "But if you must know, I haven't done anything…too intense. At least, not yet. I told Kristen last weekend, but if you want me to…"
"Ugh, I was just kidding," Lily made a face of disgust and Kristen laughed. Kristen had been very nice to Lily lately, although it was clear she disapproved of many of her recent decisions, she would never abandon a friend, or scorn her more than necessary to get her point across.
"Anyway," Selene continued, pulling her trunk out from under her bed. She leaned over it and clicked the top open. Lily watched wordlessly as her friend muttered to herself, throwing random pieces of clothing on top of her bed and pushing her black hair out of her eyes.
Lily slowly walked towards the bed, fingering a silky piece of black cloth that was slipping off the end. She held it up and gasped.
"Selene – I couldn't possibly!" It was a nightgown – she thought. But guesswork told her that it would probably only reach her mid-thigh. It wasn't so loose either, but that dark material was so soft and touchable that Lily held onto it anyway, running her fingers over the midsection.
Selene was now standing up in front of Lily, surveying her. "Put it on," she instructed.
"What?" Lily broke out of her reverie and looked up.
Kristen and Selene were both smiling at her, Kristen holding a long robe. "Go on, try it on," Selene repeated. "It'll look good on you, I promise. It never did fit me right; I'm too tall." She made a face down at her body. "And I certainly don't have the curves that you do."
Lily's eyes snapped up and met Selene's, while a deep red blush spread over her cheeks. Selene rolled her eyes playfully. "Come on, we don't have all night. You don't want the object of your seduction to go to bed before you get the chance to render him speechless."
Lily nervously held the fabric against her. "Alright," she conceded finally, and began to undress. Selene and Kristen turned away and began to pick through the rest of the clothing strewn across the bed. They made quiet comments to one another and laughed accordingly.
Finally, Lily let out a short laugh of her own. The other two girls looked up at where the redhead was standing, in front of the mirror that all three of them shared. "This is ridiculous," Lily announced, "I can't pull this off. I couldn't act sexy if I tried."
Selene chuckled. "Oh, Lily. You only think that because you've never tried. James finds you very sexy all the time, believe me. Even when he's angry with you."
"Or maybe especially when he's angry with her…" Kristen added thoughtfully. She shook her head slightly and walked towards Lily, her eyes scanning the outfit. It did indeed cling to Lily's form in all the right places, Lily had to admit to herself. In fact, she realized as she gazed at herself in the mirror, she actually looked good. For someone who never paid much attention to what she wore or how her hair looked, this was certainly a surprise. She hadn't thought it possible for her to look like…this.
"Well, that was easy."
"Yeah, I think we have a winner."
Selene and Kristen looked a little too happy over this. Before Lily knew what was going on (she had been slightly out of it all day), Kristen was draping the robe she had been holding earlier over her shoulders, and Selene was stuffing many of the other clothes into a bag and shoving it into Lily's arms.
Lily spluttered, "I don't know…"
"Oh, just take them all, and don't take that off," Selene gestured to the nightdress. "At least not until you have James drooling."
Lily looked worried; a crease appeared on her forehead. "I don't know how to make him do that. Honestly, this is stupid…"
"Oh, you won't even have to do anything. Just pretend you're completely oblivious to the fact that you look so…good. And he won't know what hit him."
"Just do what you normally do, Lil," Kristen smiled at her encouragingly, her head tilted slightly to the side.
The two girls grabbed onto Lily's arms and pulled her towards the door. Kristen patted her on the back. "Good luck."
"Let us know how it goes!"
And with that, they shut the door after her. Lily found herself staring down the stairs, a cold draft working its way up the robe and over her legs. With a heavy sigh, she decided that things couldn't possibly get worse anyway.
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
Lily entered the Heads common room with knots in her stomach, shivering. Her eyes immediately latched onto the head of messy hair peaking out above the back of the couch; he was sitting in front of the fire, bent over something. Her legs moved quietly of their own accord towards her room. She dropped the bag of clothes next to her door and looked over at him. He was flipping through a book, stretched over the couch. He hadn't acknowledged her entrance, but he had certainly heard her.
What am I doing? Lily could almost hear her heart beating in her head. Oh, what the hell. He probably won't even notice me sit down.
She grabbed her bag of schoolbooks and made her way over to the couch, to the end where his legs were draped over the edge. She pushed them aside, finally drawing his attention. Instead of making eye contact, Lily sat down before he could move his feet back. She dropped her bag onto the floor between her legs, bending over it to pull out a book. Reading was her best bet at the moment; she couldn't trust herself to write without blotching up her paper.
Silently, she thanked the fire for its strong warmth; removing her robe when her skin was dotted with goose bumps would not have been a very smart idea, or very sexy. The thought made her laugh internally. As casually as she could manage, she slipped the robe off of her shoulders and leaned over again purposefully to stuff it into her bag.
Still she couldn't look him in the eye; she thought she might blush. But she noticed him shifting next to her and couldn't resist the temptation. Her eyes moved upwards of their own will, meeting his dark ones. He was staring at her in disbelief – not her eyes, but her body. It was enough to make her very self-conscious.
Steadying her voice mentally, she cleared her throat. "Looking for something?" Lily was surprised to find her voice steady and slightly deeper than usual.
"Huh?" James' eyes snapped up to meet hers. "Oh – uh – sorry." Then he appeared to realize that he was apologizing to her and scowled.
Lily sighed. She couldn't help it; she was both annoyed with him and herself. It was her fault that this situation had begun in the first place, but couldn't he accept any of her apologies on the matter? Then maybe she wouldn't be forced to dress like this – although she wasn't sure what she was doing. But it was quite enjoyable, she admitted reluctantly to herself. No wonder Selene was in a good mood so often.
Lily leaned over, not realizing why this made James' eyes widen considerably. "James – I've tried so many times. What do you want from me? I've told you, Levent mean nothing to me, and you mean everything. But-"
She followed his gaze and sat up straight immediately, her cheeks flushing.
"But I can't take back what I did. You have to understand that I wish I could, I-" Her throat was constricting and getting dry. She swallowed and fell silent. Realizing that he hadn't been listening anyway, she sighed and leaned back against the couch. This motion caused his feet to come in contact with her upper thigh, and she couldn't help but shiver slightly. This was all going the wrong way, Lily thought frantically. He was supposed to be seduced, not her.
"Lily-" His voice suddenly rang out, sounding very strange. "Lily, I- I mean I'm…"
She glanced up to see him staring at her like he wasn't quite sure what was happening. He gave up and she realized that her mouth was open and she was breathing rather loudly; she clamped it shut quickly.
He reached a hand out toward her, almost unconsciously, and brushed it against her hip, running his fingers over the fabric there and smoothing it. She felt her eyes fall shut and leaned back into the couch, stretching so that his hand brushed more completely against her skin.
When she felt him pulling away, she opened her eyes and put her hand over his. She opened her mouth to protest, when he spoke first.
"I can't stop thinking about you with him." Their eyes met and locked
"I don't know how to undo that…" She was having trouble breathing this close to him. "I'm yours, James. I've never been anyone else's."
Feeling like she couldn't take it anymore, she reluctantly pulled away from him, dropping his hand. He watched regretfully as she pulled the robe around her and grabbed her neglected books. With one last confused glance towards her room, she shut the door softly behind her, suddenly feeling very warm.
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
Lily found that the rest of the week moved very quickly; they were approaching the day of the masquerade without time for thought. It was obvious that despite the general protest over the ball, there was much anticipation. The opportunity to hide one's identity, to be anyone for a night and not have to face the consequences, seemed to be quite appealing to a very large number of people. Including her, she had to admit. Pressure was something that Lily felt heavily these days, from many different sources, each one as heavy as the last.
That Friday night – the night before the masquerade – she entered the Great Hall for dinner with drooping eyes. She hadn't felt so tired in a long time. Even when she finished her homework and Head Girl duties and had time to go to sleep, she found it very hard to drift into easy dreams.
She spotted Remus walking past her and decided that she would do something she had wanted to do all week. She owed this to Kristen, and she rather liked Remus, too. She felt a bit strange talking to him like this, as they didn't know one another very well, but anything that might help her friend was worth a chance.
Lily reached out and tapped Remus lightly on the arm. He stopped and spun around, blinking when he saw the redhead beside him. "Oh – hi Lily."
"Er – can I talk to you, Remus? I know this is sort of odd, but well-"
He watched her speculatively, his weary eyes changing color. "Of course you can."
The turned and walked back out of the hall together. Lily glanced behind her and saw Kristen watching them; she hoped her friend would not draw any strange conclusions from this, but she doubted it. Kristen was not fickle and certainly not stupid.
Lily turned towards the dusty-haired boy when the large doors fell shut behind them. She drew him off to the side and took a deep breath.
"I just – I wanted to ask you about Kristen."
Remus took a step backwards. "What?" He asked, startled.
"Do you like her?" Lily paused. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry."
Eventually, he let out a sigh. "Well, yes. I like her a lot. I have for awhile."
"She wouldn't tell me what happened on your – ah – date. And I know that it's none of my business…but I'm positive that she likes you more than anybody before, and I just didn't understand why neither of you is saying anything."
Remus was looking at her closely, as if weighing her. Finally, he lowered his voice and said, "There are a few things that you don't know about me, Lily."
She blinked, confused. "Like what?"
"Only James, Sirius, Peter, and now Kristen know about this…apart from Dumbledore and other people like that, of course."
"Know about what?"
There was a long pause. "I'm…I'm a werewolf." He said it slowly, reluctantly.
Lily felt her mouth drop open and she wasn't quite sure how she was supposed to react. She must have looked very strange, because he sighed and looked down at his shoes.
How had she not noticed? It all made sense! The way he disappeared each month and always looked so tired and sick…she felt stupid for not piecing the clues together earlier. Silently, she shoved her surprise away and decided that it would do neither of them any good to stand there looking like a fish. She would think about it later.
"Oh, Remus…I'm so sorry." She reached out a hand and laid it on his arm.
"It's nothing I'm not used to…It's just…" He seemed to forget what he meant to say. "Don't say anything to anyone, alright?"
"No, of course not."
She had meant to tell him that he should just ask Kristen to go out again or something. Now she was beginning to understand what her friend must have been embarrassed over; clearly it had something to do with this. And the only reason Remus was holding back was because he didn't want her to become involved with it.
"Remus – you know she doesn't care, don't you? That she would give anything to help you, not to hurt you?" Lily prompted softly. "She thinks you don't like her."
"But that's ridiculous!" He paused. "She deserves better anyway. I can't take that away from her." He turned away from Lily, towards the doors. "We should be getting back or we'll miss dinner."
Lily nodded reluctantly and was surprised when he turned back to her and said, "James loves you Lily. He's hurt, but he still loves you. I think…I think you should go back to acting like you always have, and things will work out sooner or later."
Lily was slightly taken aback but she smiled. "Did Kristen tell you to say that?"
Remus flushed slightly. "I- she-"
"It's good advice Remus, I've been thinking that myself, but it's a lot to…piece together sometimes." The silence stretched out between them.
After slight hesitation, she reached out and pulled him into a hug, not caring that she didn't know him very well and he might think she was crazy. She was surprised when he relaxed against her and patted her back, like they were old friends and this discussion was not completely out of the blue.
They walked back together, both feeling a bit lighter about the situation. When they reached the table, their friends stared up at them questioningly, but nothing was said. Kristen's eyes lingered on the two of them and Lily watched her silently. She hoped Remus talked with her soon and ended this ongoing misunderstanding, because clearly they both wished it would happen. With everything Kristen had done for her, Lily felt that she deserved all the happiness she could find.
After dinner, Lily was ready to walk out of the Great Hall when she heard Dumbledore call her over to the staff table. James was already standing in front of him, watching as Lily approached. The two of them stared at one another until Dumbledore cleared his throat.
"The curfew has been working well and I think everyone feels a bit safer with it in effect. But there are those students," his eyes lingered on James a moment, "who feel that it doesn't need to be taken seriously. I thought I might ask the two of you to patrol tonight, just for a bit, to make sure everyone is out of the corridors at the proper time."
Lily nodded. "Of course, professor."
James grinned slightly. "Well, it's not me this time."
Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled slightly. "No, indeed it is not you this time."
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
Lily and James walked back to the Heads common room together, their friends having already left in the direction of Gryffindor tower. The two of them had not exchanged many words since Lily's attempted seduction a few nights past. But she had noticed the way his eyes lingered on her a bit longer, how he seemed to be daydreaming almost as much as she was. She felt a small bit of pride in the fact that she had some kind of effect on him, at least, although she could never know what was really going on inside his head.
They entered the common room in silence and Lily stopped walking when she heard him mumble something from behind her. She turned slowly and raised an eyebrow at him.
"I said – maybe we could patrol a bit early tonight, as in just before curfew, because we both have a lot of work to finish tonight."
"Yes, of course." She nodded in agreement; it was a good idea. She vaguely realized that it was the first thing they had agreed on in weeks, and peacefully too.
A few hours later, she heard James call her name and she looked up from her parchment, biting down on the end of her quill rather hard.
"Are you ready?" he asked, his eyes trailing over her.
"Yeah, one second." Lily quickly capped her ink, brushed off her robes, and stood up. She glanced at James and headed towards the door, expecting him to follow.
Once they were outside their common room, she turned towards him and took a deep breath; she was very aware of how closely they were walking. "Which way would you like to go first?"
He shrugged, so she took a left. "You know this school better than I do, but whatever." She was walking quickly, and she noticed that he had to jog a moment to catch up. She wanted to say something to break the silence and the inevitable uncomfortable feeling that would follow, but she could think of nothing intelligent and had a feeling that James would only snap at her if she tried.
So they walked on in silence, passing a few groups of people. James reminded them that they needed to head back to their common rooms, and they all replied that that was where they were going. It was all very routine, slightly boring, and Lily was letting out a huge yawn into her hand when James all of a sudden wrapped a hand around her arm and yanked her roughly into a broom cupboard next to them. He shut the door behind them.
"What the bloody hell are you trying to do, James?" Lily squirmed; it was pitch black and very crowded. What little space the closet offered was mostly filled with what felt like mops and a couple of buckets.
James let out a breath and Lily was suddenly aware that it was him pressed against her backside; she could feel his breath drifting down her neck and she shivered slightly.
"I saw Mariana coming, I thought you might want to escape her," he mumbled.
"Oh- well you didn't have to scare me half to death, you know." Flustered, she managed to turn herself around but quickly decided that it was a bad idea. Her body was now aligned with James's and they were pressed together tightly. Her head came up just below his chin and she felt his arms wrap around her; she wondered vaguely if that was his own doing, or if it was the only space available to put them. But she was certain that his hands need not be that close to her bum- certainly he didn't need to be holding her so close. But the mop pressing into her backside caused Lily to push against him even harder. Her breath hitched in her throat; she could feel his whole body pressed against her, even his heart beating against her chest.
It felt surprisingly comfortable, in fact she wished she could get closer. She knew where his mouth was; she could feel the warm breath grazing her cheek. Her eyes were adjusting slowly to the darkness and she could now make out his face. He was staring down at her and their eyes met. She knew that Mariana could be twenty corridors away form them by now, but she didn't want to be the one to say so. It felt too good; she wasn't going to end this unless he did.
Suddenly she felt a river of warm air against her cheek as he said deeply, quietly, "Have you broken everything off with Levent yet?"
"I- I've been avoiding him, actually. I would think he's figured out by himself that I want nothing to do with him – in that sense, anyway. He's been keeping his distance. Acting strange too…" She knew she was babbling. She couldn't help it; being so close to James had that effect on her.
"Will you break it off with him?" He asked forcefully.
"If – if necessary. Nothing was ever really started…" She felt herself nod, even though she wasn't sure if he could see her. She tried to move farther away from another mop that was digging into her lower back, and in doing so pressed her hips against his. She gasped at the sensation.
Without warning, she suddenly felt his lips on hers, crushing her mouth, his tongue brushing against her lips. She moaned suddenly, not pausing to be embarrassed about the emission. Her hands fumbled at his clothes; she couldn't see what she was doing, but managed to slip them underneath his sweater. She felt goose bumps appear where her fingers traveled, over the skin that she had been thinking about ever since he walked past her in that blasted towel. She felt his hands tugging at her back, moving lower and pulling her closer to him, if that were even possible at this point.
She could barely breathe, but she had needed this for so long. Maybe he did still love her, maybe Remus was right and there was hope. He certainly didn't seem to be holding back now. She broke her mouth away from his and their foreheads rested against one another, both of them breathing heavily. She wanted to stay there, attached to him.
Gathering her breath, she stumbled over her words. "James, you are so – unbelievable. And I never thought you would forgive me." She buried her head against his chest and felt him stiffen. She pulled back, trying to squint up at him through the darkness.
His voice came out rough and he was pulling away. "If I'm as great as you say, then don't I deserve someone equally as good?"
Her heart seemed to stop for a second. Did he mean that? But he was already pulling away, fumbling with the doorknob, pushing her hands away from him. He must mean it. But then why? Lily felt her eyes tearing up at this overload of emotion and she realized that she had nothing to say to that. Of course he deserved someone better than her. She didn't deserve much right now, especially not him.
He slipped past her and out into the hallway, leaving the door ajar behind him. With a quiet sob, Lily sunk to the floor and didn't even look up when the mop behind her fell to the floor with a loud "thunk".
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
Lily entered the seventh year girls' dorm with a large pile of assorted things dangling from her arms. She nodded slightly towards Kristen and Selene and walked over to her bed, dropping a few things on the floor along the way.
She dropped a very large pile of books onto the stand next to her bed with a loud slamming noise.
"What are you doing?" Kristen asked curiously, watching as Lily sat down and took the topmost book from the stack, opening it and arranging her quill and parchment on the page.
"I'm doing what I should have been doing all year. I'm acting like a Head Girl."
"Oh, Lord." Selene mumbled, shaking her head in wonder.
Kristen raised an eyebrow. "Are you spending the night here? What happened?"
Selene turned back towards Lily sharply, her blue eyes suddenly lighting up when Lily's face flushed.
"Absolutely nothing!" Lily finally managed. "I just – I couldn't handle being around him tonight and the masquerade is tomorrow – I just need a good night's sleep is all."
Kristen glanced amusedly at Selene and commented, "Well I don't think you'll be finding that here, sorry."
Lily shook her head and started scratching something onto her parchment, prompting Kristen to watch her seriously, with an almost proud gleam in her eyes. Finally she appeared satisfied and smiled softly at Lily, who was too immersed in her book to notice.
A million things were running through Lily's mind, but she was determined to take Remus' advice and forget the rest. She was Head Girl, Dumbledore trusted her with this, there was nothing she could do about James anymore, and everything was already settled for the masquerade. But none of this prevented the knots from forming in her stomach, squeezing in just the right places to make her weary.
♥♣♠♥♣♠♥♣♠
A/N: Let's just say that life has been interesting lately…I do think I attempted to warn you all about that, although I feel bad anyway. It wasn't even so much the workload (although, good God, I've never had so much to do at once). I suppose I had it coming to me; one of my friends did warn me that I've been suppressing everything for a long time, and it seems that it only makes it worse in the end. Except that, how are you supposed to get through things when they're happening if you don't suppress them? Eh. I'm not going to use this space to broadcast everything I should have dealt with years ago (don't worry), I'll just say that there are family…issues, and I just wanted to offer an excuse for my absence this spring.
Other than that, I'm happy to say that the new material is just a couple of chapters away. I'm back at home now for a couple months, and although I'm starting two new jobs, I won't have organic chemistry to deal with lol, so I'll be able to post more often. I hope you're all doing well :)
Shadyday9- Haha, of course she's finding things to blame on James. I'm sure I would too. Sometimes it's better than complete moping, I suppose. I'm sorry this chapter is so belated :( But I'm sure you're fairly used to that now lol.
Hmph- Well you know, we all make typos from time to time :) Even with the word ambiguous… And I agree (if you remember any of the review, which I doubt), one chapter fights really aren't that exciting. Not that I'm saying this one necessarily is, but I'd like to give it more time haha. And yes, I'm in college at W&M (it's in Virginia). I miss it actually. I'm planning on majoring in Neuroscience, and I've sort of been thinking pre-med, but I'm trying to figure that out right now, so it's funny you ask. My parents certainly want me to go to med school (they're doctors), but really I don't think they're happy and I don't want their lives…so I have a lot to figure out in the next couple years. Or the next year, really. Gosh, time goes by so fast…what about you, any ideas?
GoddessoftheMaaN- Hello again :D Remember me? Lol…I've hope you've been doing well lately. And perhaps this time I can actually follow a request and update soon.
♥Emily