Keith beats the shit out of training droids for three hours in frustration.

When Lance comes to breakfast the next morning he is pale and exhausted. His hair is unwashed and his eyes are rimmed in red. Keith's heart feels like it's breaking inside of his chest.

Lance is a ghost. His daily routine means nothing to him. He trains with the others, eats with them, but he feels like a robot. He laughs at their jokes, he banters back, but he feels distant from it all. He feels like the real him is just an observer, a separate entity trapped in his mind as his body does what it wants.

He knows he should feel an emotional reaction to everything, but he doesn't. He feels blank and empty.

Keith keeps looking at him. His eyes are always worried and so sad. Lance can't meet his gaze and he doesn't want to. He feels broken. All of his pieces don't fit right inside his chest. He can't let Keith see that. He already hurt him enough by forcing his feelings onto him and then rejecting him outright.

Shiro finds him one night after Keith had knocked on his door a little earlier. Lance couldn't stay in his room after that, feeling restless and powerless. When he was sure Keith had gone, he wandered out. He avoids the places he and Keith used to spend time together. The best thing about living in a castle is how many empty, unused hallways and rooms there are. He doesn't normally have to worry about running into anyone.

So it's a shock when Shiro casually wanders into the room Lance is hanging out in. He has his hands tucked in the pockets of his loose sweats and the t-shirt he is wearing has a bright yellow Star Wars symbol in it. His face is serious despite looking like he's getting ready to crawl into bed.

"How did you find me?" Lance asks and then regrets it. He hadn't meant to announce that he was hiding, but that's what he did.

Shiro smiles at him gently. "Had the mice track you down." He walks closer to where Lance is sitting curled up on the floor. He doesn't sit down, just stands and looks at him. "I just wanted to check in on you," he continues. "It seems like you're having a hard time since you came out of the pod."

Lance keeps his mouth closed. He wants to talk about it, but he's afraid of Shiro judging him. He doesn't feel like he deserves to be on the team as it is and he doesn't need their leader to know he's struggling and affirm how he feels. Guilt builds in his chest. He can feel his defenses rise.

"It's ok, if you need time to process." Shiro says softly. "You went through something very traumatic. It's going to take a while for you to figure out your balance again."

"How would you even know what I went through?" Lance snaps. There are tears hot in his eyes and he hates himself for it.

Shiro shrugs. "We didn't have any information so Coran did some digging while you were under. We got the gist."

Lance should feel betrayed, but he understands. Since he wasn't available to brief what happened, they had to figure it out somehow. "So you saw?" he whispers, and he can hear the echoes of the earth shaking and screams in his mind.

"Some." Shiro affirms. "Enough to understand why this has been hard for you."

Lance draws his knees close to his chest and presses his face to them. "I let them die." He says, voice shaking. "I let them go."

Shiro doesn't say anything and Lance can't bring himself to look up. If he does, he'll see the disappointment in Shiro's face. He'll see the anger. He can't stand the thought.

Suddenly, there is a warm weight beside him. "I don't know what's going through your head unless you talk to me."

His voice is kind, compassionate. The warmth by Lance's side is soothing.

"I'm not here to lecture you, if that's what you think. I'm here as your friend and your leader, to try and help you feel better. You're an important part of this team, Lance."

Lance doesn't feel important, but the words warm his cold insides. "I let someone die," he blurts out and it's like the floodgates have opened. Tears drip down his nose. "And if it had been you, or Pidge, or Hunk or," he chokes, but manages to gasp out, "Keith, then I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I couldn't have stopped it, and I can't stop it in the future. I can't protect anyone, I can't stop bad things from happening."

A hand lands between his back, rubbing gently. It's comforting and exactly what he needs.

He lets out a tiny sob but tries to keep himself composed. "I didn't think I was going to live through the mission, I thought I was going to die. I came really, really close to dying and I feel so powerless. If anything happened to you guys, I can't, I can't," he can't finish. He's crying too hard now, tears slipping down his face in a flood. There is a lump in his throat and no matter how many times he swallows it refuses to budge. He ends up making a choked whimpering noise that is so embarrassing he wants to run and hide in his room forever.

When it's clear he can't go on any longer, Shiro says, "I know what you're going through, Lance. It's not easy losing someone who was in your care, but you should know that it's not your fault. I saw what you did and you were doing everything you could. You did everything right. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things still go to shit."

Lance lets out another sob and his heart is tight in his chest. He wants to believe the words are true, wants to so much.

"It's going to take some time to process all of this, Lance. You have to be patient with yourself and take your time. Healing doesn't happen overnight. But part of healing is not keeping people out. You need to let us in, so we can help you."

"I'm scared," Lance manages to whisper. He feels so small. The universe is so big, and full of so many possibilities. There are a lot of things that could go wrong and he and his teammates are in the direct line of fire.

"I know." There is something in Shiro's voice that mirrors his, the terror that this job brings. In that moment, Lance feels connected to him. They feel the same things, they share the same burden. Lance isn't alone in his fear; Shiro is there too. "We're all in danger every day. We get in our lions and we fight the Galra and we do our damndest to protect people. That puts us at risk every single time. But we have to decide what's important. We have to decide what is best for the universe, but also for ourselves."

Lance sniffs. The hand on his back is still and the warmth at his side helps calm him. He feels snot dripping out of his nose and lifts his head to wipe it on the sleeve of his jacket.

"Feeling better?" Shiro asks, and his smile is small but kind.

"A little," Lance admits. "How do you deal with it? With being afraid for our lives all the time?"

Shiro's shoulders lift in a shrug. "I accepted a long time ago that you can't save everyone. It's hard and it hurts, but it's just not realistic to agonize over it. Everyone is going to deal with it differently though, Lance, so if you can't rationalize what happened to you with that train of thought, then don't keep trying to. You're you, and I'm me, and we both have to deal with these things in our own way."

Lance lets that sit for a minute and just breathes, in and out. Finally, he asks, "Is Keith mad at me?"

Shiro laughs in surprise then clears his throat. "Sorry," he says sincerely, "that just surprised me. You switched gears pretty fast."

Lance nods seriously. "Sorry. I'm just trying to figure out how to balance being afraid of losing Keith and being close to him. I l-lost the Wolkian," he swallows hard to keep more tears from falling, then continues, "and I can't shake off how afraid I am of losing him."

"I'm sure the nightmares aren't helping."

Lance turns his head and glares at Shiro before turning his head back. "Exactly how much poking around in my brain did you and Coran do?"

"Take it up with Coran. He's the one who made the call."

Coran has some serious explaining to do. "The nightmares aren't helping at all," Lance says with a nod. "They're so real. It's like it actually happened."

"This won't make you feel better, but your mind is trying to take real life experiences you've had and is melding them with possible future experiences so you're prepared to face them. It's disorienting and I'm sure it's really scary for you, Lance, but you know that it didn't happen. What your mind is telling you in your nightmares isn't real."

Lance nods again. Even though Shiro is right, it doesn't make him feel better about having the nightmares. He knows they aren't real and that they didn't happen. "But what if they do come true? What if one of us actually dies and none of us can stop it?"

"Like I said before, we're all in danger every day. I can't promise you that we're gonna be ok, and you can't tell yourself that without knowing it's a lie." A sly grin spreads over Shiro's face. "To quote one of the wisest men I have ever known, 'All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'"

"Did you just quote Lord of the Rings at me?" Lance asks incredulously.

Shiro laughs and pats him on the back. "Seemed appropriate." He shakes his head, serious again. "But that's what I'm trying to say, Lance. We can worry and we can wonder all we want. We can desperately hope to prevent bad things, but we can't. Instead of focusing all of our energy on wondering and worrying and waiting for the bad things, we should focus on the time we have right now. We should focus on spending time with the people we love. We'll deal with the bad things as they come."

Shiro is right. Lance can feel the sadness and anger in him draining away. He knows it's not completely gone, but he feels less alone. There might be more things coming in the future, but he has Shiro and Pidge and Hunk and Keith. They're going to get through the bad things together, even if it's hard. Even if it takes time.

"So, what do I do about Keith? I kind of told him to fuck off," Lance says after he takes a breath to recenter himself.

Shiro smiles and pats his shoulder again. "Take your time healing over this. Talk to him. Be honest."

Lance lets out a groan and drops his back onto his knees. "You're advice is so predictable."

"It's tried and true advice, kiddo. It works almost every time."

Several days later, Keith is sitting in the skydeck looking at the stars. As per usual, it's the middle of their synthetic night cycle and Keith wishes he could sleep, but he can't. Ever since the last conversation he had had with Lance he's been restless and unsteady, ungrounded. He feels manic, like he should be constantly moving. Even the few hours of sleep he's managed over the past few days have been restless and he wakes up as tired as when he fell asleep.

When he talked to Shiro about what happened, Shiro had merely patted him on the shoulder and said, "Give him time, Keith," and Keith was trying to. He was trying to respect Lance's space and trying to keep a good distance, but every day Lance wanders into the kitchen or the training room looking so freaking exhausted. Keith wants to wrap him up, he wants to protect him, he wants to comfort him. Having him so close and yet so far away makes his heart feel like it's being ripped apart at the seems. He can't stand it.

There have been nights where he goes to Lance's door and just stands outside of it. He thinks about knocking. He wants to knock and he wants Lance to open that thin metal door and just let him inside. But the door to Lance's room is just a metaphor. What Keith really wants is for Lance to open the door to everything going on inside of him, going on in his head, his heart. He wants to sit here with Lance on the skydeck and talk like they used to, about all of their hopes, dreams, fears, ideas.

So when Lance appears next to him, Keith thinks he's dreaming. He's fallen asleep here before, under the stars, and it seems probable that he would dream of Lance. He's been one of the only things consistently on his mind so dreaming of him isn't far fetched at all. But then Lance lets out a choked sob that sounds like, "Keith," and Keith knows his dreams are never vivid enough to conjure up that wrecked tone.

Keith opens his arms automatically, and Lance falls into them, body shivering with suppressed sobs. "It's ok," Keith tries, wrapping his arms firmly around Lance's shoulders as Lance presses his face into Keith's chest. "Lance, honey, it's ok, don't cry."

"It's not ok," Lance rasps, his voice thick and so, so sad. "I let them go, Keith, I let them go and they died."

"Who?" Keith whispers, trying to keep his voice steady as he rubs what he hopes is soothing circles into Lance's spine.

"The Wolkian! I had them in my hands, and instead of saving them like I should have, I just let them go! They died, and it's my fa-ault." Keith can feel the wetness of tears soaking through his tank top. He squeezes his arms tighter around Lance's shoulders.

Keith doesn't know what to say so he just lets out a soothing hum and drags Lance fully into his lap. It's awkward; Lance is taller than him, but he tries to make it work. Lance is warm and heavy in his arms and Keith holds onto him tightly. He doesn't ever want to let go.

"I'm so terrified," Lance whispers into his neck, "I'm so terrified that I won't be able to save you. That I'll have you and I'll let you fall, or that I can't protect you."

In that moment, Keith forgets about being a Defender of the Universe. He lets go of being afraid that they won't work out, or that they will negatively affect the team. He lets himself just be Keith, Keith Kogane who is holding Lance in his arms as he cries, comforting the person he's in love with. The only thing that matters to him in that exact moment is Lance; everything else can wait.

"Hey, hey," he whispers, pressing his lips against Lance's hair, "it's ok to be afraid."

Lance nods sadly, sniffling. Keith traces patterns into his spine, running his fingers along the knobs there. He tucks one hand into Lance's hair, cradling his head close.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Lance murmurs, his voice calmer now. "I shouldn't have. I was really upset. I was in Blue and we were fighting Galra and I started thinking about what would happen if, if…" the small, broken noise he lets out makes all of Keith's insides flip unhappily. "And when we landed I kind of just lost it. I thought if I pushed you away it would be easier."

Keith hums quietly, pressing his lips to Lance's hair again. It's washed and it smells like the ocean shampoo that Lance hoards. "I shouldn't have yelled back. I lost my temper."

Lance pulls away from him, sitting up so they can look each other in the eye. Lance's are red rimmed and sad, but the spark of life that Keith loves so much is back. Dim, but there. "I didn't mean it, what I said."

"Didn't mean what?" Keith asks, tilting his head in confusion.

"I don't really want you to forget what I said to you," Lance clarifies, then shakes his head. "No, that'll confuse you, too."

Keith scowls at him, and pokes him in the side. "Be nice to me," he admonishes.

With a shaky laugh, Lance nods and continues. "What I mean is I'm in love with you. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you. I'm sorry that I yanked you around the past few weeks, but I love you. I'm so scared of losing you and I'm afraid that being in love with you would make losing you so much worse." He takes a breath, lets it out. "But I want to be with you. I miss talking to you, I miss training with you. I miss being with my best friend. Even if you don't want to be with me like that, it's ok, because I still love you and I still want to be close to you. I don't want to regret a single second."

Keith leans forward to press their foreheads together. He lets the silence sit for a minute, just appreciating Lance being physically close to him. He lets their breaths mix, rubs their noses together affectionately. He runs a hand up Lance's arm, cups his neck. "My turn to make an overly dramatic and sappy speech," he says.

Lance rolls his eyes, but there is a grin stretching across his face. There is a teasing twinkle in his eyes, and Keith feels more at home than he has in weeks.

"'I'm in love with you. You're my best friend, and I'm in love with you,'" he quotes. Lance lets out a tiny chuff of a laugh at that, egging Keith forward. "I'm scared, too. I'm scared that I'm not going to be good enough for you and that this won't last. I'm afraid of the aftermath. I'm afraid of losing you— to someone else, or losing you because I couldn't protect you. I'm so, so scared that we'll ruin the good thing the team has by disrupting the balance and I'm afraid you'll distract me and I won't be able to do my job. But I want to be with you, too. I want to be your best friend and your boyfriend or your date or your," he makes a nervous gesture with one hand before settling it on Lance's waist, "whatever cheesy romantic word you decide to use. But I want to be with you, however you'll have me."

Lance is grinning now, full throttle. The teasing glint in his eyes brightens and he asks flirtatiously, "And do I distract you, Keith Kogane?" There is no weakness in his voice this time, no brokenness or sadness.

Everything in Keith's chest thrums with delight and a smile blossoms across his face. He can't help it, but he doesn't humor him with a response. Lance is solid and warm in his arms and if he's being honest, really heavy in his lap. Instead, Keith says, "I'm going to kiss you again," before leaning in.

It's a light kiss, chaste. It feels like a promise and a beginning. Keith knows in the back of his mind that explaining his fears during a love confession isn't going to erase them. He and Lance will both have to deal with the terror of losing each other one extenuating circumstance at a time and they will have to deal with how the team, inevitably, changes. Keith pulls back to look into Lance's eyes. They share a smile and then lean in a second time.

They will face their fears and they will face them together.