Dimllly Kirk was aware of McCoy being in the room, mainly because he had heard Sarek mention his name. All he was really aware of was how injured, how totally helpless Spock was.
"Best for you to just get on with your life, Kirk." the words echoed in Kirk's mind. There was typical total Vulcan logic to them. How like his father Spock was at times. That Vulcan way of being able to put events in the past and move on without any emotional display. If the man was like his son there would be a great deal of emotional turmoil being deal with by some part of that great mind, emotional turmoil nobody would ever know about.
"Remember him as you knew him." Knew. Past tense. How he longed to be able to get to those memories of Spock but all he could see were how Spock had looked before he had turned to leave the bridge, the subtle difference in how he had walked to the turbolift, and how he had looked on that bed. In one merged image he knew it was showing him how emotionally broken Spock was and the other was how physically broken he was. The connection, he knew, was what he had said and done to his best friend. How could Sarek talk about getting on with his life when Spock was such a vital part of his life? A vital part he had so brutally and cruelly shattered in front of those who also considered him a close friend.
A part of his mind dimly realized that another close friend of Spock's was standing just looking at him, a friend he did not wand to turn and face but knew he had to. At times, as he turned and looked at McCoy, Kirk realized that he had questions how such a friendship as the one that existed between the two could exist. He had often wondered if there had ever been two beings as different as those two with the depth of friendship he knew was between them.
Slowly he looked over at McCoy and about the blue eyes that seemed to see so deeply into him Kirk saw a blend of pity and understanding mixed with a deep barely controlled fury and the other emotions McCoy was clearly struggling to control. "Sir, right now I do not know what to say to you as I do not know not only how I feel and also I do not know if I know you. Despite all I have said to him over the years about being in too much control of his emotions, right now I envy how Spock was able to control and hide his emotions. You have no idea how grateful I am, at the moment, that somehow all those session with him have taught me some control. A part of me wants to physically attempt to beat some understanding into your thick head while another part of me wants to hold you, comfort you as it is clear that you only now realize that this," McCoy paused for a moment as he studied Kirk and knew he was reading the man's posture correctly, "this time you have hurt him far worse than the physical injuries inflicted by the Wacairns. Your actions and what you said and how you said it on the bridge not just in front of the visiting delegation but also senior bridge crew who consider Spock a friend more than just a senior officer damaged him to his core. Hell, you were not just content with those on the bridge hearing you destroying him in front of the bridge crew were you? You had to let the whole crew hear you did it."
For a moment McCoy was quiet, bowed his head, took a deep breath, then looked steadily back Kirk, "Now I can't speak for the actions of the rest of the bridge crew, Captain, but I have to inform yu that I have put in for six months leave from the Enterprise and been granted it so that I can observe and possibly help get Spock settled into what will be his new home, a specialist facility on Vulcan."
No. The word echoed in his mind. He had lost so much already, he could not lose McCoy. "No. I,"
The blue eyes caught a tell-tale sign the his friend and captain was about to protest and held up his hand, "Now before you even think of saying you won't allow it you best know, Captain, that by my declaring to be a medical specialist with regard to Spock, and the highest Vulcan healer agreeing, I am able to do so without my commanding officer's approval or risking my career in Star Fleet. Ambassador Sarek graciously helped me get through both the Federation's and Vulcan's maze of bureaucracy and ensured that I am to remain his chief surgeon and in charge of all medical matters and treatments."
Again McCoy was silent, saw a reluctant acceptance of the fact he was leaving the ship, that he had placed the care for Spock first, closed his eyes, shook his head as he knew that this was going to be the hardest thing that his friend and Captain would have to hear, When he looked again at Kirk there was a look about his friend he had never seen before but knew he could not allow himself to react to it. It was time for nothing but truth. No emotion just facts stated colmly and logically. For a moment he closed his eyes, gawd how he missed the one who had taught him how to talk like he had to now.
It took almost everything in him to open his eyes and look at his friend and Captain and ignore the deep torment and self-loathing he could see the man was in. "You must be informed that after what you said and did to the one being you so proudly and often had said was closer than a brother to you I feel I must personally tell you that I am not sure if I will return to the ship, the position on Vulcan caring for Spock has no time limit. As soon as you request it I am sure Command will find a relieving, possibly permanent replacement, Senior Medical Officer, for the Enterprise."
For a moment he paused as he saw Kirk was hearing him and understanding what was being said and clearly only just realizing the reaction of just one of his senior crew to what his words and actions had caused. "Captain, after seeing how, on the bridge in front of not just guests but senior bridge crew, people who considered you not only their captain but also a friend, you turned on and totally shattered the one you often said you would willingly die for, possibly the only being who cared so much, so deeply, so totally and loyally about you I really," he paused for a moment to make sure Kirk looked at him and that they looked each other in the eyes, "I really have to wonder when you will turn on me, on any of us, like that."
Shock seemed to numb Kirk as though he only just saw and realized how much he had really hurt his other friends for McCoy to openly say what he was saying. He started, "Bones, I,"
"Don't! Don't! Don't you dare!" An anger he felt threatening to control him welled up and McCoy took two steps closer to Kirk and just stared at him, " Don't you dare call me Bones! That was what the person, the friend, I knew as James Kirk, as Jim, called me. That James Kirk would have listened to Spock from the start. That James Kirk would have been on guard from when Spock told him shortly after the delegation came aboard to keep his distance from the Wacairn delegation, to keep his emotions in check, as that James Kirk would have known that Spock had sensed or seen something we did not. That James Kirk would have known that Spock was not one to let emotion rule logic, that Spock saw, or at least was aware of, what lay under the exterior. That James Kirk would have listened to Spock instead of his hormones. Now that James Kirk, I know, unquestioningly trusted that blasted Vulcan far more than any of us did a lot of the time yet that trust was never proven to be misplaced."
For a moment McCoy was quiet and James Kirk saw a strange, an almost alien look about McCoy's eyes and realized it was him just holding back his fury. "Oh my friend James Kirk and Spock may have debated what the other said or did but there was that special trust one is lucky to see once in a lifetime and even far, far more fortunate to have such trust. With you, Sir, there clearly was none of that trust so there is no way, absolutely no way in hell you are that James Kirk. You should know that that James Kirk would rather have died a million times in ways not imagined even in your worst night-mares than to ever, ever, have said or done to him what you did." He turned, headed for the door, paused, and looked back at Kirk, "Right now I do not want to be around you. I really feel I need some company but not with a total stranger." He opened the door, paused, and looked back silently at Kirk long enough to make Kirk really look at him, "Oh, should you see that James Kirk you might like to tell him that Spock will not be alone, you could tell him his friends are with him and are staying with him." then turned and closed the door behind him.
Once in the empty corridor McCoy walked to a bench along the hall, by the entry to the corridor to the room Spock was in. There was plenty more he had wanted to say to Kirk, there were things he would have wanted to know. He would have said what needed to be said. He was going to. He had had the words all mentally rehearsed and ready till he saw Kirk and remembered the scene on the bridge, had seen how his words, the anger and venom in them, had shattered Spock. What Kirk and the others clearly did not know was all those long hours that blasted Vulcan had spent in the labs running tests, doing research. How else would he have known for them to check for traces of the pollen and sap from the rare Wacairnian water-lily? He only knew because on four occasions when it was their usual sleeping and off-duty hours he had found Spock in one of the labs working and only saying he was looking for the answers.
He half-smiled as he remembered how Spock had looked at him that last time when he found the Science Officer studying some computer results. "Before you ask, Doctor, I have not found confirmation of what I suspect. I am certain that it is best that, at the moment, it is best if you know nothing about what I am doing and, to assist you with forgetting what you believe you see, there is a bottle on the table behind me that will be of assistance in doing so. You may wish to share it with Mister Scott as he will be needing some of it as I am certain he will be finding it difficult to decide when to release the weapons, when to free his bairns." When he had glanced at the bottle he realized it was a rare bottle of Kentucky bourbon. There had been that understanding look on the Vulcan's face when he looked back, the look that silenced his thanks. Slowly Spock had given a slight nod then turned back to the computer, "If you will excuse me, Doctor, I do have to find the physical proof of the partial hypotheses before I present them."
Alone. McCoy had said alone and that was how Kirk suddenly felt. He had had a vague sense of unease before but now knew it was a feeling of being alone, a feeling he had not felt since he had managed to get through the protective shell Spock had built around himself, since knowing Spock was always there for and with him. Now he really was alone. Did the others expect to do as Sarek suggested, to just get on with his life? Did they not know had no life without his other half?
It had not been all that unusual for the four of them to gather after hearings to hear what was going on, hear the opinions of the others. This time they had also been able to be of some comfort to one another just by being there. They had all been on the bridge when the Captain had raged at Spock for a logical action Spock had taken. Uhura did not know how the others had felt but she had found the request to see the weaponry display of the ship by the second aide unsettling at the start. She had understood Spock's actions and could not understand why the Captain had reacted as he had. Oh, she had seen him often enough trying to impress visiting female officers before and accepting when Spock had intervened but this, this had been totally unlike him in every way.
She had been listening to the others and trying to find something good about the whole situation when she had heard another familiar voice that had echoes of Spock's, "I mean no disservice by interrupting your conversation at such a time but I have been granted permission by the healers to take you and these four others to see Spock."
Without looking at the others but hearing their appreciative and hope filled gasps Uhura could tell they were as surprised as she was that something else had happened to Spock. As she remembered the way the second aide had suddenly left the bridge she turned and looked at Sarek. They would have had time to contact those at Command. Trying to remain calm she more said than ask, "He was attacked when he beamed down."
Even before he spoke she saw the answer. So many years of being able to detect that tell-tale flicker that crossed an oh-so familiar half-Vulcan face enabled her to detect the answer. Although so many Vulcans seemed inscrutable she had had years of studying this man's son and knew it was likely because of their familial similarities that she saw the truth. Sarek had looked directly at her, "My son had told me of how perceptive you are. It appears that there were those awaiting his arrival and attempted to make him tell them the codes for the Enterprise."
As they walked toward the room they had been told Spock was in the four senior officers had briefly occasionally glanced at one another before retreating into their memories of serving with and knowing Spock. Each thought it had been a most considerate action for it to be Sarek who had personally invited them to say their farewells. It seemed to be a shared realization that by his doing whatever he did to get them to see Spock that Command would have difficulty to refuse them leaving the ship.
McCoy met up with the four others just as Sarek walked them into the rom Spock was in. He watched as they each reacted to seeing how Spock was then at one another and was aware when they looked at him that they were thinking as that non-doctor part of him thinking. Typically it was Uhura who turned and looked at Sarek, "May we be excused for five minutes to go to the Enterprise and return?"
Sarek's reaction would have been considered unusual by Vulcans but Uhura knew that the man had a Human wife and would have encountered many of the human idiosyncracies. He simply slightly nodded his head, "That will be acceptable. I was about to inquire when you, Doctor McCoy, would be available to assist with the final attempt of a meld with my son however it,"
"No, no, I do not need to return to the ship, especially if I can be of assistance here." McCoy looked at the others and saw their slight nods of understanding.
After the four had left Sarek beckoned for McCoy to move closer. There was already an older woman standing by the bed Spock was on and as he walked closer McCoy was aware he was being studied. He had met the woman when he had first been allowed in to see Spock and had fully explained his prognosis fully explained and knew that she was who he would have to deal with should Spock have to remain. Just for a moment he closed his eyes as he knew even with being given time to stay with him initially should Spock have to stay that there would be a time when he would have to leave him. The thought of leaving him was bad enough but what made it even worse was knowing how Spock had said even as a child he had been treated not as a patient but as a specimen to study. When he looked again at the woman he saw understanding about her eyes.
"When the others return they will be allowed in. You need not be concerned, McCoy son of David. Should the meld not be successful it has been arranged for Spock, son of Sarek, to be cared for by healers and not treated as he was treated before. His father informed us of some of your findings which fulfilled our curiosity as to how his biology would react in different conditions. This is our final meld to see if there is any part of his mind we can reach. As you know all of our findings so far have revealed only those parts of his being needed to sustain life are functioning." McCoy had wanted to look at Sarek but maintained eye contact with the healer. It had not surprised him that Sarek had shared the information and he had been somewha selective about what he sent. Shortly after their first encounter he had asked Spock permission to share anything that might be of advancement to medical knowledge on Vulcan to his father to decide if it would be of use and, despite the strained relationship he later discovered there to be between Spock and his father, Spock had consented.
Slowly McCoy moved to the side and watched as Sarek walked up to the table then as both Sarek and the healer put their fingers on those points known only to Vulcans and closed their eyes. There was, as he stood watching the events, what he would almost have sworn was a desperation about the way their postures changed as they slowly moved their fingers. He was also aware that a part of his own being was praying to all of the known and unknown gods to be with that special being no matter what the outcome was to be.
McCoy was only just aware the other four walked in almost as the healer and Sarek turned from the bed. From the way Sarek hesiated McCoy could tell that the door opening after the four had come in meant somebody else had entered and he was sure he knew who it would be. It took everything in him not the scream at the healer and Sarek to try again as Sarek slowly shook his head, "He is,"
"Don't! Don't you dare give up on him like that! He is there. We know he is there. He just needs help to remember what he is leaving, what he has to come back to, who he has to come back to." Uhura stepped closer to the bed and there was no mistaking the challenge in her eyes as she looked first at the healer then at Sarek. "He is your son, Sir, but he is also like a brother to us. He is your son by Vulcan blood but he also has blood from his Human mother, Human blood like we have."
Chekov walked up to the still form and placed carefully on one of the the long-fingered hands before covering it with the other an item that McCoy tried to recall. "Sir, I know how contemplative you are yet how relaxed you were when the living tribbles were aboard. I remember seeing you standing behind Uhura stroking one as you contemplated their purpose. I saw their purpose, Sir, was to help you relax as I remember you telling me that a relaxed mind is a controlled mind and a controlled mind leads to peace which leads to logical thought. It is only a replica tribble but I thought it would help you make a logical decision."
Sulu walked up and reached out holding a small purple flower by Spock's nose, "That fifth method we tried showed some hope and remembering what you had said about vegetation on Vulcan I made a few modifications and yesterday noticed eight of these were blooming. It does have a distinctive aroma but I am not sure if it is the aroma that that Vulcan plant would have. Also the scent seems to change wien in contact with the skin. You said it was an ancient Vulcan healing plant used as an inhalant that was on the extremely endangered so I only brought two of the flowers for you to smell."
"Ahhh, laddie, I think I finally got the blending right," Scotty walked up to the bed, took a small bottle from his pocket and moistened the tip of his index finger then gently rubbed it around Spock's lips, "for ye with that Vulcan healing tea and a wee drop of some Nevis I've been keeping. I do nae think there be enough alcohol to upset ye and ye may find the taste a wee bit interesting as I've nae heard of them combined before and know a drop of Nevis can help the body."
Uhura reached out and momentarily placed her hand on Spock's forehead, "I have nothing physical to give you, my friend, but I will remind you that you promised not to leave me until you taught me that song your mother used to sing to you about not being alone. You've never broken a promise." gently she touched the side of Spock's face and softly sang, "There are more discoveries we have yet to share, I do not want to find them without you there. You do not walk behind nor ahead of me as we go along, As at each other's side is where we belong."
McCoy slowly walked up to stand silently by the bed for a moment just looking down at his friend. "I guess, Spock, that your deciding not to come back to us would be a logical thing. After all the time you have spent constantly and precisely correcting us, all those times you made us think logically, and all those times you made us stop, just plain old stop and appreciate the beauty all around us while you silently accepted how frustrating emotional we are. Just know, my friend, that without you on the ship to challenge us we will stagnate and merely exist."
"Mister Spock, Doctor McCoy is wrong there as I could not serve under the Keptin without you there. The ship vould not be the same without you."
"I am with Chekov, Sir. I can understand it is difficult for you to decide what to do as I know it was difficult to make my decision as to what to do if you leave us. Without you there with us to encourage us and remind us how no living thing is truly perfect it would be unbearable. After what the Captain did we would most likely all wonder who he would turn on like that next."
"Sulu's right, laddie, as is Chekov. Without you aboard it would nae be the same ship. Oh, she would still be a fine ship and me bairns would still need caring for but it would nae be the same ship and I would nae wish to be on it. There be plenty of other ships any of us would be welcomed aboard."
"Should you decide not to come back to us I will accept that post you have arranged for Starfleet to keep open for me as a Communications Training specialist. I could not bear to be on that bridge with him not knowing when he would turn on us as he turned on you."
McCoy stood in silence for some time just looking at the others, only just glancing at Kirk, then down at the one they all knew was more than just a fellow officer on the same ship. How almost human his friend looked holding that imitation tribble yet oddly ridiculous with those flowers blow his nostrils. no doubt Spock would find it all undignified. As he had looked at each of the other senior crew present he had recalled times when that blasted Vulcan had shown by his actions that to him they were more than just fellow officers. "Well, Spock, looks like you got a full house. Oh, I know Jim was not in his right mind when he ranted as he did at you. I know the effects of those drugs on the human brain and might be able to forgive him that. What I cannot forget nor forgive is that when presented with the proof of what had happened to him he not only did not ask where you were but also made no attempt to find you and publicly apologize for what he had said and how he had enabled so many to hear it. He knows that I'll be staying with you for as long as I am allowed on Vulcan. Doctor M'Benga can take over my position on the ship." Momentarily he looked up and across the still form to look Kirk directly in the eyes, "I'm sure the Captain will be able to get a new bridge crew with no trouble."
While what the others had said about their plans and him had greatly upset him, Jim Kirk was more shocked into reality by what McCoy had said and the emotions he saw in the blue eyes that seemed to reach into him and inflame the guilt and shame he had felt since he walking into Spock's empty quarters. Those empty quarters seemed to reflect the emptiness he had denied feeling since Spock had walked off the bridge.
"A new bridge crew." Echoed in Kirk's mind as he looked individually at the others. A part of him wanted to protest, wanted to say they had no right to change ships, while he knew they had every right to move on, especially after how he had behaved. They had an enviable reputation within the Federation as being the best crew, of having an unshakeable loyalty to one another. They had shown their loyalty to that special being on the bed just as that being had shown his loyalty to them and to him. Loyalty to him that had cost so much.
There was almost an electrical charge in the room as the six watched how the healer slowly raised her hand when Sarek took a step toward the bed Spock was on. The charge followed by a faint, strangled, "No. Jim. Not alone. No."