Tommy was in his old room at his mother's Montana estate, sleeping in his full sized bed that he used to sleep in when he was a kid. He wasn't able to sleep. The fact of being back in Montana, the amount of pain that was spread through everyone, including himself when he was forced to leave...it was just too much. He was facing the window when he heard his bedroom door squeak open, and there stood the little three year old girl he had first ever heard about a month ago. Tommy flipped to his other side and looked at her softly.
"Couldn't sleep either could you?" Tommy assumed. The little girl was dressed in one of those one piece pink pajamas, her small teddy bear tucked under her arm and her thumb in her mouth. She simply nodded no, and Tommy opened the blanket up for her to come and sleep next to him. The little girl rushed forward and curled into a small ball, tightly hugging her teddy bear. Tommy nodded an ok and went back to staring out the window.
Mom, please just...tell me what I'm supposed to do. I need your help on what I'm supposed to do with this little girl.
:flash back to Tommy and the old bald man during Jude's performance:
"You need to come with me!" said the man.
"I don't 'need' to do anything, the only thing I need is to be here watching my artist debut a song from her sophomore album," Tommy rebutted looking away from the man.
"She's dead," the man uttered.
"Who's dead?" Tommy said still watching Jude.
"Your mother," the man added. Tommy froze and looked at the bald man, anger immediately racing through his body.
"What do you mean she's dead? I paid for all she needed 5 years ago when they discovered the cancer! They said she went into remission and there was a very slim chance of it coming back!" Tommy yelled at the man.
"They overlooked an even graver problem Thomas. They didn't see the tumor in her brain. I'm sorry. You need to come with me," the man said, and Tommy finally giving in and following the man out of the mall and to his black car.
:end of flashback:
Tommy looked back at the little girl soundly sleeping on the left side of his bed. He still had no idea what he was supposed to do with her. Well, that was a lie, he did know what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to take care of her. The only problem of the matter was, he had no clue how. Tommy rubbed his hands against his eyes, and finally found himself able to go to sleep.
The next morning, Jude found herself just entering Pittsburgh, Penn. She had been driving for only a few hours. Jude had decided she'd stay the night in New York, do a little sight seeing before she made her next stop to Pittsburgh. Hell, she mind as well make something of this long trip she was on. Jude stopped at a gas station and decided to go inside and grab something to eat before she was off again. The whole time she had kept her ipod in her ears. The current song, track number sixteen out of 4,894 songs on shuffle was 'Blurry' by Puddle of Mudd. Jude sat in her car for a little deciding to finally pull out that envelope that contained her birth mother's will since she had left. Which had been only one full entire day before, plus a few random hours.
Inside was a list of items that her birth mother claimed as important keepsakes, a box of journals and song books left for Jude to read through if she'd like, an old spanish guitar given to her birth mother on her graduation day, an old quilt from when Jude was born, and 6 photo albums, one being from the one month she had spent with Jude when Jude was first born. Jude looked through the papers again, even though there was no chance of Jude ever meeting her mother, she would respect her wishes and keep these items safe with her for the rest of her life.
I really wonder what my mother was like. If she was loud and compassionate like me, or if she was a more reserved person. I guess I will never know. Another thing I wonder, if she knew I am 'Jude Harrison'. That sounds so weird I know, but I mean, isn't there that thing called a 'mother's instinct'? You know, where a mom just KNOWS who their kid is? I can't say I've dealt with the fact that 'Mom' and 'Dad' aren't the one's who created me, it's hard. Growing believing that my genes and looks came from them, but then one day, one horrible day really, going home and finding out they're not, and that my real mother has passed away before I even found out. It says here she had passed away only two days before I received 'the envelope'. That's how I'm going to refer to that...well those papers as. 'The envelope'. It's weird calling it what it really is. It just means that, well, I don't know what it means. I can't say it means she's really gone, I know she is, that I can deal with just fine. I never even knew who she was, so that's easy to accept. I just, I have a lot more stuff to figure out before I know the answers to anything. This whole thing is like, it's just confusing. I feel almost like, I'm turning back the hands of time, to find out who I am, and where I came from. Well I know I am Jude Harrison, and now that I came from Long Beach, California. But, what am I? Am I German? Dutch? Well obviously I'm American, but now with a Canadian accent? God, there's just so much stuff I need to figure out.
Jude pulled out of the gas station and started her drive from Pennsylvania to Ohio. About half an hour into her drive, she felt her phone starting to vibrate, and she saw who it was that was calling her. Jude relunctantly answered the phone, preparing herself for what ever was headed for her ear drum.
"Hello?" Jude said, one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding her phone.
"Hi Jude, how is everything?" Sadie asked biting her lip.
"Gosh Sadie, you make it sound like I've been gone for months. It's only been a day plus a few hours," Jude said watching the road, making sure there was nothing in the way.
"Well, I've been worrying like crazy over here about you, Jude. The way you left, it felt like you were leaving without a thought!" Sadie exclaimed, feeling the tears springing to her eyes.
"Sadie, have you ever felt just, just the need to pack up your stuff and take off anywhere? This was my chance Sadie. Lately, I've just been feeling so trapped, caged, suffocated. I needed to get out, and even though the reasons for me leaving weren't good, this is what I really needed," Jude explained pulling over to the side of the road.
"I just, I wanted to make sure you were ok," Sadie said wiping her eyes.
"Sadie, I will come home. There are just some things I need to take care of by myself," Jude said pulling back on to the road.
"Can you promise me one thing Jude?"
"What?"
"That no matter what you find out, we'll always be sisters?" Sadie asked, hoping for the answer she really wanted and needed to hear.
"Sadie. There's nothing that can break us apart, ok? Just remember that. I got to go though, I've got a lot more driving to do, and I'm headed to Ohio now," Jude said, hearing Sadie's tone perk up at what she had said.
"Thanks Jude. And Ohio already? It's been one day and you've already past by New England?"
"Yeah well, once you see the Statue of Liberty everything else just seems a bit boring," Jude said as the two sisters laughed, said their byes and parted.
Jude continued to drive, her thoughts coming and going. There were trees and farms passing by and Jude admired the green, knowing that once she finally got on the west side of the country that it'd be more coastal pacific scenery.
You know, I've also come to realize that I've taken advantage of all the grass and trees that I've grown up with. I mean, it's not exactly green and cool in the west coast, it's more pacific, beaches, sand, and really warm weather than what I'm used to. It's hard to believe that I'm adopted, ok, that's a lie, for some reason, it seems a lot easier to believe. Both my parents have clear blue eyes like Sadie, I have cloudy gray, blue green eyes. I'm pale white, and my parents and Sadie are a more natural tan white. I can sing and play guitar (self taught guitar playin' skills might I add) and no one in my family can hum in key. There were so many signs that I am adopted, but I guess I just chalked it up to being maybe the oddball of the family. I don't exactly feel bitter towards my dad anymore, I can kind of see where he's coming from with the whole 'not telling me' thing. But my mother is a whole nother story. She LEFT. She left my dad to deal with this whole issue on his own! That is so wrong on so many levels! But, the more I think about this whole thing, the better and more content I'm feeling about it. I'm starting to understand that even though Sadie, Dad and I aren't blood relatives, they've been there since I was welcomed into their family. I mean, they could have had the perfect little family, Sadie being their perfect daughter, and even if Mom and Dad aren't together anymore, it would have caused a lot less stress having only one daughter to think about. But they didn't want that, they had wanted another child. Another baby. They wanted me. What was so special about me when I was just a month old that made them want me? Ok, so I have one question for Mom and Dad, and a bazillion for whoever is there in California. Those are some pretty scale tipping odds.
Jude had just left Pittsburgh and listening to Avril Lavigne's 'I'm With You'. It was only about an hour into her three hour drive to Ohio, and the sun was beginning to set.
6:34...
The song was beginning to tap into her emotions. The emotions that she had been trying to get rid of since that night. That night Tommy had left. Jude hadn't allowed herself to show her emotions. Her excuse was the alcohol helped lock them away. Ever since that free hour with Kate, Jude had learned that bottling up your emotions, not good. But allowing them to have a never ending play date with your tear ducts aren't good either. Jude pulled her ipod from the empty passenger seat of her Mustang and set her ipod on track repeat.
No more running. No more hiding, I'm dealing with this now.
Jude continued to drive, gripping her steering wheel, forcing herself to remember that night. The only thing that Jude was glad about was the road being empty and being able to leave her windows down and blare her music as loud as she had wanted. Before she knew it, she was singing along with the lyrics.
"Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound"
Jude remembered the despair and pain in Tommy's eyes when she turned around and noticed he had finally walked in. She quickly squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop from tearing up. And then she remembered his bitter goodbye, his emotionless apology. Jude allowed a sob to escape when she ran out of the restaurant, hoping to catch up with him.
"So you're leaving? Tommy?"
The sounds of the car door opening and then being slammed shut rang through her ears as she remembered Tommy entering the black car.
"Tommy? Tommy! Tommy! TOMMY!"
Jude jerked the car to the side of the road as she sobbed in her hands. It had only been a month since Tommy had left, and yet it seemed like forever. Jude gripped the steering wheel once more, treating it as if it were her life, letting her fingers graze the leather. She took in deep breaths and exhaled slowly, getting herself under control. It was now about an hour and a half into the drive from Pennsylvania to Ohio, and completely black out. She was far away from any city, and there were no street lights anymore.
They say you can see the stars when far away from town...
Jude thought to herself as she put her car in park and turned off the engine. Jude grabbed her sweater and wrapped it around herself as she lied down on the hood of her car and looked up at the sky, seeing the millions of billions of stars in the pitch black sky.
It's like...you're lost in all of them. All of the stars I mean...I had never seen so many stars in my life. And for once in my life, I felt so small and miniscule, a feeling I had been yearning to feel since I had won Instant Star. Ever since then, everything had been about me, my looks, my style, my career, and for once, I had wanted to feel like the smallest person on earth. I couldn't believe all the small specks of light that could fill one sky.
Jude's eyes took long glances at each star, trying to memorize every single one of them for a moment, burning it like a branding in her mind's eye, just so she could never forget it. Jude then remembered she had brought her digital camera with her, and rushed into her car to get it. Jude settled herself back on her hood, aimed the camera at the sky, and when she thought the camera was still enough, she snapped the picture. Jude brought the picture back to her eyes and looked at it.
Can barely see it, but you can see all the big ones...
She breathed in a deep, lengthy breath, reveling in the feel of the fresh air and looked back up at the sky once more.
I'm never going to forget the feel of this moment...
Jude hopped off the hood of her car, and got back into the driver's seat, let her engine roar, and was back on the road.
Another question of mine has been answered. Which one exactly? I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that the moment I just felt, that moment of real peace, will come in handy one day. As much as I would like to forget that night Tommy had left, I know it won't happen. Tommy is too important to me for that to happen. I don't want to say I'm in love with him, mainly because I don't understand what love is, I do know that there are these emotions in me that he makes me feel. Is it love? It could be, but he left too soon for me to find out. I want to hate him so badly for the way he left, I deserved an explanation for why he had left. But I will never get that explanation, hopefully in due time, I will get it, but later, right now I have more important things to focus on.
"And you're sure?" Tommy asked holding the phone up to his ear.
"Well, she probably passed the Pennsylvania state line by now, but yeah, she's in the states," Kwest said drinking a cup of coffee.
"You don't think she-"
"She doesn't know T. Jude's in the states for her own reasons, reasons that I don't know. But Sadie did talk to her today and told me where she was and that she was ok, that's all I know," Kwest said.
"Is there any chance that you aren't telling me certain things in order to keep me from exploding?" Tommy asked.
"No, but there is a certain chance that I'm not telling you certain things in order to keep my ass on Sadie's good side. Plus, I'm dating her now, and I don't want to screw that up," Kwest added.
"Alright, point taken. I'll talk to you later, peace,"
"Peace,"
Sadie was sitting with Kwest on his couch in his home, just listening to some music and lying in each other's arms. Kwest was running his fingers through her blonde locks.
"Tommy and his daily Jude updates?" Sadie asked.
"Yep, obviously I don't have to say that I didn't tell him about Jude," Kwest added, with a soft smile.
"I only don't want you to tell him, because I think it'd be better for him to hear it from Jude," Sadie explained simply playing with his sweater that she was wearing.
"I know, I know," Kwest said planting a small kiss on her head. "But he's worried about her,"
"Then he shouldn't have left like that," Sadie quickly rebutted, and then settling herself down before she had gotten too wound up.
"Sadie-"
"I know, I know. He's got his own issues to sort out right now," Sadie finished for him. "So, since I am not exactly on Tommy's favorites list, how come you won't tell me what's going on with him?"
"Because it is simply just known of your business, you'll find out later anyways," Kwest added, wrapping his arms around her.
"Yeah, I know," Sadie murmurred before falling asleep in Kwest's comfortable arms.