Past

Gillian sat on her bathroom floor completely stunned. She felt a strange combination of complete euphoria and deep sorrow. But there was no doubt about what she would do, and that made the sorrow and what could have been hurt even more. She pictured Cal and tears formed in her eyes. She heard the front door open and heard Alec call her name. The sound of his voice sent the tears streaming down her cheeks. He called again and Gillian heard him walking up the stairs and into their bedroom.

"Gillian, are you in here? I saw your car" he asked and opened the bathroom door. It took him a while to realise what he was seeing. Gillian sat on the floor crying with around a dozen pregnancy tests at her feet. All positive. Alec looked at his wife and a smile crept slowly on his lips.

"You're.. you're?" he couldn't finish.

Gillian looked at him and nodded. Alec sat next to her and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her and hugged tightly.

Gillian had realised after Carrie's offhand comment that something wasn't right. She was always on time. She checked her calendar and realised that she was late. Six weeks late. She and Alec hadn't used any kind of protection after they got married but when nothing happened she slowly gave up hope. They had talked about seeing a doctor but somehow they never did, Alec was always busy or she was, and the years just went by. She stopped at a gas station on her way home and bought a pregnancy test. She bought two of every brand they had. The confused look of bemusement and shock on the gas station attendant would have been comical if she had only noticed. Instead, she ran to her car and drove as fast as possible home. She hurried to the bathroom in her bedroom but stopped. She realised what this meant. If she truly was pregnant she would not, could not, leave Alec. It was his baby. She sat on her bed transfixed. Finally, she mustered the courage to stand up and go to the bathroom. She took test after test and all were positive. This was real. How ironic that she was finally pregnant, with Alec's baby, as soon as she decided to leave him.

Gillian hardly slept that night. Alec had held her so gently, stroking her abdomen lovingly, but Gillian lay stiff with tears running silently down her cheeks. She could still smell Cal, could still feel him.

The next morning Gillian overslept, almost deliberately. She sat up in the empty bed, her mind a whirlwind of emotions. She got dressed quickly and walked downstairs and was surprised to see breakfast waiting for her and a single rose. On the table was a note from Alec

—I can't wait! Love you x—. Gillian looked at it and didn't know how to feel. She ate quietly and a small smiled crept on her lips as she looked again at the note. This was so unlike Alec but she knew how much he had wanted kids.

Gillian came late to the office and saw the interrogation room packed. She didn't muster going in just yet so she walked to her office. Her heart sank. On her desk sat a cold coffee and a sugary pastry Cal usually admonished her for eating. There was no note but she knew it was from Cal. She took a deep breath and walked to the Cube.

Gillian loved watching Cal work. He was like an animal on the prowl, circling his prey. But then he saw her and Gillian had to use all her willpower not to crumble in the mere seconds they locked eyes. The moment was gone and Cal went in for the kill. Gillian couldn't stay there so she walked as fast as she could out. She had been at her desk, hiding, when someone knocked on her office door. For a moment she was petrified that it was Cal, but when she looked up she saw Alec standing there holding a small bag, smiling.

"I just had to see you," Alec said. Gillian stood up from her desk. Before she could think of anything to say Alec spoke.

"I wanted you to know how incredibly happy I am. I just, can´t believe it. After all this time." He finished and fumbled with the bag and handed it to Gillian. She pulled out a beautiful onesie and a teddy bear.

"I saw it and, well, I just had to get it." Alec finished, somewhat lamely.

Tears welled in Gillian's eyes as she held the tiny garment in her hands. Her heart filled with joy. A baby. At last! She moved towards her husband and hugged him. She looked up and felt like she'd been doused in icy water. Cal stood not far from her office and looked confused and terrified. Gillian shook her head and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry!'

xxx

Cal sat, or barely sat, on a high barstool. He was almost comically drunk. His head wobbled back and forth and as he moved the glass towards his lips he needed several attempts until he hit them. He took a sloppy sip and looked annoyed at the bartender, who had cut him off and was threatening to throw him out. He was almost passed out when a terribly soft hand gently touched his shoulder. He could smell her perfume and he turned around faster than his inebriated figure could muster and promptly fell off his chair. The world was spinning and he tried to get up but failed. The annoyed bartender was next to him now and pulling him roughly into a standing position.

"I'm alright, I'm.. alright" Cal slurred. He looked at Gillian who was filled with concern.

"Get him out of here," the bartender said angrily. Gillian handed him cash and put her arm around Cal's waist and guided him outside. Cal held onto her shoulder and smelled her hair. Oh dear God, she smelled like rain and Christmas and strawberries. Like everything nice in the world.

"Gill" he half whispered. Gillian tried to suppress her sob but was unsuccessful.

"Here you go," she said with such care and love as she helped Cal into her car.

"Where are you staying?" She asked carefully as she put the key in the ignition.

"Nowhere" Cal grunted half asleep. Gillian sighed and drove.

Cal hadn't really registered that they had stopped nor that Gillian had helped him out of the car. He slowly realized that she helping him sit down on a bed inside a neat room which reminded him of her. He was in her spare room and she was taking off his shoes. He laid down and observed her as she hung his jacket on the back of a chair and arranged his shoes neatly next to the chair. She sat down and looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness.

After a long pause, she finally spoke.

"I'm pregnant." She said slowly.

Cal looked at her surprised and then understanding hit him like a ton of bricks. He knew Gillian wanted nothing more than to be a mother. Her face would light up around children and she radiated maternal warmth. He knew that she and Alec both wanted children. He also knew that this meant they could never be together. She would not leave Alec when she was pregnant with his child. Suddenly he felt a heavy weight on his chest and his ears were ringing.

"Congratulations darling," he said sadly and turned his back to her. He hoped she would leave.

Gillian watched his back and tears were streaming down her face. His face had been full of angst and sorrow. She slowly got up and left the room stealing one last look as she closed the door. He looked like he was asleep but his shoulders and fists were clenched. She walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water. Never had she expected that she would feel anything other than joy if she ever became pregnant.

When Gillian woke early next morning Cal had already left.

xxx

As time went by the news of Lightman's divorce travelled around the office which explained his dishevelled appearance in their eyes. He kept to his study and was unusually cruel to the staff. What was unusual was that Foster wasn't reprimanding him for it or even making excuses for him. Gillian kept out of his way and made sure the company kept going. A few weeks later Gillian made a small announcement that she and Alec were expecting a baby. Cal hadn't talked to her since that night. He would disappear for a day or two or become so invested in a case that he could ignore her under the guise of work. Seeing her beam of happiness she so deserved was too much for him. He was too weak, her happiness felt like daggers in his vulnerable chest. And he felt disgusted with himself. For the horrible and cruel thoughts that sought his mind. He should be happy for her. Her happiness was worth much more than him.

One day Gillian came to the office looking like an empty shell of herself. She was white like a ghost and as she walked automatically towards her office Cal knew at once that something was wrong. He followed her into her office and when she looked at him he saw that her eyes were red and swollen. Her beautiful face was contorted with deep, visceral sorrow. Cal felt a lump in his throat.

"I lost the baby," she said mechanically. And then she looked away from him and picked up papers from her desk. She tried reading them but tears welled up in her eyes and her hands started shaking. Cal rushed towards her took the paper from her. He gently pulled her from the chair and grabbed her coat and purse. Gillian let him guide her as she silently cried. This time it was Cal that guided her to his car and drove to her house. He walked her to the front door as Alec opened the door. He looked like hell. He grabbed Gillian and Cal nodded to him.

"I'm so sorry Gillian. Take as much time as you like," Cal said and backed away, unable to look at Alec comforting his wife for much longer.

"Thanks, Cal," Alec said as he walked Gillian into the house.

Present

When Gillian finally left Alec, Cal daren't hope. Every time he felt hope's traitorous aspiration surfacing, he pushed it deep down within. It had nearly destroyed him when she rejected him. But he couldn't help getting closer to her, pushing her boundaries, her lines. He saw her indecisiveness when he advanced on her. He daren't hope, however, he had no problem reminding her of what she almost had. He invaded her personal space on a daily basis, held her tightly and eyed her obviously whenever he could. But he was also cruel to her. He was becoming more reckless and wilder.

Cal understood she needed time. They had grown so close, and yet they avoided talking about that night, those promises in the early morning in his office. Only in moments of great distress did some of that frustration spill out. And always from Cal. But when she met Burns, everything changed.

She fell in love. Cal felt so humiliated and the jealousy felt like it would rip him apart. He had not been celibate since his divorce, far from it, but he had never loved any of them. How could he, when his heart didn't belong to him, nor had it for a long time? He hated Burns. Truly and viscerally hated him.

That fateful night in the warehouse, with the teenage gangsters, Cal admitted his feelings for the second time ever. In all his years loving her, he had only admitted it twice. The first time she lay in his arms, the other, he stood with his back to her facing her lover.

tbc.