Present time

The next days past and Gillian began feeling worried. Cal wasn't returning to his normal self. He was distant, secretive and mean. None of that was new behaviour with him but when combined for a prolonged time, she couldn't help getting paranoid. Had he truly found his tipping point?

She felt as if she was standing at the mouth of an abyss, ready to jump. But her mind and sense told her to just turn around and walk away. On the other hand, she felt that in order to move on she would need to jump, to let go. But she was afraid that the longer she waited, the abyss became more dangerous, more treacherous. So she stood firmly in her spot, moving neither forward nor backwards. She was on standby. Filled with unwanted memories.

Many had wondered why Gillian stayed with Alec for so long. Could she really not see that he was deceiving her? Was she that obtuse?

Of course, she saw it, how could she not. Alec had relapsed after they lost Sophie and he treated Gillian terribly but she had fallen in love with another man. Her deceit was much, much worse, Gillian thought. Especially when she thought back to their fights just after Cal and she had opened the group. From the beginning of her partnership with Cal, they were close. Friendly jokes, flirtation and touching. At that time Alec was unable to contain his jealousy although there was no reason for it… Well, that wasn't entirely true. However, both Cal and Gillian were faithful and loved their spouses. When Gillian and Alec fought, usually after Alec had one drink too many, he would snap at her that he thought she was sleeping with 'that fucking brit'. Once his accusations became rather crude, "I bet you bend over and let him fuck you whenever and wherever he wants". Alec wasn't a crude or rude person by nature and immediately he regretted his words. He stared at her remorsefully and told her, his voice choking, that he loved her more than life and he was terrified of losing her. Gillian pulled him towards her and kissed him, whispering that he needn't worry - that she was his. They made love on the living room carpet that night. But although Gillian tried very hard to convince herself too, the unbidden image of Cal lying on top of her on the living room floor appeared vividly in her mind and sent her into a toe-curling orgasm that left her with a bleeding lip as she bit it to keep her from crying out his name. Alec fell asleep holding her tightly, smiling, but Gillian felt disgusted with herself. She would have liked to say that after that she had been able to keep her private life and work life separate. It was true that she never divulged about her private life to Cal but at home, her professional life couldn't stop from spilling into her life with Alec. As she became better at reading faces and spotting lies she started reading her husband involuntary. It became a relief to go to work where she could never read Cal. And although she would never admit it to anyone, she had started to imagine Cal almost everytime she had sex. One time after a rather prolonged and exquisite night with Alec she couldn't look Cal in the eye, she was so sure that he would be able to tell, would know that she had been fantasizing about another man the entire night.

Gillian's cheek flushed as she remembered this. She had sat contemplating for too long. Long gone was the blissful rage she felt the other day. Now she was just scared. Sat brooding in her office like a coward.

Past

Time goes by and Cal sees the same look of love and happiness grace her beautiful face three more times and each time happiness is cruelly ripped from her. He witnessed from afar as she became increasingly paler and thinner. In the end, something broke within her. During one of Cal late nights, which had become habitual for him, she appeared in his doorway drenched from the pouring rain outside, looking completely heart-broken.

"Is it my fault?"

Cal barely heard the weak whisper. Gillian swayed, one hand clung to her bag the other rested over her womb.

"Am I broken?" She said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Cal looked at her and didn't really know what to say. Their lost chance still burned him and his raw wounds had just started healing. The wounded part of him was angry that she was here. Why wasn't she crying in Alec's loving embrace? She didn't want Cal. As soon as the thought formed Gillian spoke so softly that Cal could barely make out the word she was saying.

"Alec said it must be me…" Her voice trailed away as she looked at him desperately.

"Am I broken?" She repeated as Cal stood up and walked briskly towards her. His wounds are damned. He hugged her tightly and stroked her head in a calming gesture. Gillian's final restraints broke at the touch and she began crying, immersed in sorrow. Her body went completely limp. It was her fourth miscarriage.

xxx

Gillian's losses had permanently altered her. Cal understood what she was going through and he knew she would never be the same. He wasn't. After his mother died a part of him died as well. There had been a long period of self-destructing, filled with drinking, gambling and generally reckless behaviour but somehow Gillian's self-destruct phase seemed to be more damaging than Cal's had been. It was slowly but surely hollowing her out. She was like a clone of the woman she used to be. As time went by she began looking and sounding like herself again but it wasn't the same. Her smile seldom reached her eyes and her voice seemed to have lost some of its resonance. They grew closer again but she was always wary and extremely careful.

Present time

Cal was restless. When he sat his feet would shake like he was in withdrawals. He couldn't stand still and he charged forward, with no precise direction. He was itching to do something mental. Jumping off a cliff sounded very inviting. The detective had been fun. A distraction. A soft, luscious and headstrong distraction. He smirked at the thought. Being around her had made him feel like a young lad in London. Gaming people and getting into trouble. Being around her made him live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that shit… He couldn't still, or slow down. Deep, deep down he was terrified. Terrified to look at her. It was easier to annoy her, hurt her. Somehow he felt like he was running out of time. Like some unknown deadline was approaching with completely unknown ramifications.

tbc..