A.N: This final chapter happens during The Canary's Song.
Present time
She sometimes wondered whether Cal ever suspected that she was a world class coward? He had a tendency to put her on top of an impossible pedestal, one of pureness and sanctitude. After she had, finally, divorced Alec she could see Cal waiting. Once again he ignored what any sane person would call 'personal space', teased her and flirted outrageously. And she loved it. She flirted back and felt the colour return to her cheeks and felt a lightness she had forgotten once belong to her dainty feet. But as she saw and felt Cal opening up fear doused her with icy cold doubt and panic. So she backed away, ever so slightly. But to Cal, she might have just run away screaming.
She recounted the exact moment she felt her feet grow cold with the fear of pursuing the truest form of happiness she knew of. After that horrific hostage situation at the office, there he was, almost, completely whole. She hugged him tightly and inhaled his scent. Neither wanted to admit that they didn't want to sleep alone but they ended up on the sofa watching re-runs. Slowly she ended in his arms and after a while, they fell asleep. Gillian woke in the middle of the night, her head on Cal's shoulder and his arm draped around her protectively. She almost cried at the feeling of content and security. She didn't stir but lay silent listening to his breathing and prayed silent thanks that his heart beat strongly underneath her palm. It had been so close… Too close. The following morning they prepared breakfast together in blissful domesticity, and just as Cal was preparing his tea carefully Gillian became suddenly overwhelmed. Her heart beat loudly and she couldn't stop herself from embracing him and holding him tightly. She loved him so much it physically hurt. An actual searing pain that felt like she was ripping in two. She held him for a long while and Cal, although initially startled, held her and stroked her head. "I'm just so glad you're here, alive" Gillian whispered, with tears in her eyes.
And that was it. She grew more nervous as the weeks went on but when he came back from Afghanistan she couldn't hold it together anymore. It was subtle really. She hugged him when he came back but it was friendly, loving, but platonic. Not many would know the difference but Cal did. He gave her space. And then she found her way out. The cowards way out. A tall, red-haired way out, with strong hands and an open face. She tried to tell herself that nothing had changed, that he was completely enthralled with the wily Clara, and that she deserved to have a little fun. But she knew that he was waiting, waiting for her next move.
In a way, she had loved Burns, but it had been different. As if the simplicity that he could offer her intensified the emotion. Burns was simple, fun but as it turned out a painful distraction. He told her he loved her on one of their late mornings in bed. She was completely speechless but he didn't need to hear it back. So she kissed him passionately and they stayed even longer in bed. He was almost the complete opposite of Cal. And perhaps that was why she was so utterly smitten, to begin with.
But now she was alone again. Burns was gone; Sophie was gone and now she was afraid that Cal was gone too. The very thought of it sent bile to the back of her throat. She stood up from her desk and walked towards the bathroom. She splashed water on her face and watched her reflection in the mirror.
Present time
Cal sat at the minors bar, with a dishevelled Loker nursing a scotch next to him. They had just closed the case and Cal was rather impressed with the younger man's performance.
"Come on, I'll drive ya home," Cal said as he stood up, grabbing the helmet he'd been wearing. Loker stood up shakily and followed him to the car. They were silent during the drive and Cal wondered if Gillian had managed to save him. Yet again…
When he entered the office the crooning voice of Al Hibbler greeted him.
Cal half carried Torres to his car and carelessly put her in the back seat. Apparently, he'd become the designated driver for his subordinates. He drove her home and with some difficulty carried her up the steps and finally managed to lay her down on her couch. He pulled a blanket over her and left. He could still smell Gillian from their slow dance on the roof terrace. Long gone was the restless feeling that had been fuelling him in the past days. He was completely spent. But in the absence of the itchiness, a familiar darkness was creeping over the horizon. He drove back to the office and decided he would settle down with the remainders of the exquisite whiskey. He walked the dark hallway and wondered if Gillian had taken a taxi home, or if she had perhaps fallen asleep on her couch. Apparently, a taxi as her office was empty. He sighed and walked towards his study. He didn't notice her sitting on the couch.
"You kept it," she said softly but still startling him.
"Blimey, Foster, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" he exclaimed.
She giggled quietly and Cal thought she must still be quite drunk.
He walked towards her, watching her holding a piece of paper in her hands.
"Kept what?" he asked, now standing at the couch.
"This," she said as she and gestured the piece of paper she had written, all those years ago. She stroked over her signature 'yours, G'
"Yeah," he said simply, not really knowing what to say.
"You know, I really meant it," she said, still stroking over the 'yours', "I really thought I could be yours —finally," she added softly.
Cal stood still and didn't really know what to say. He wondered if this was the alcohol talking. He couldn't see her face and he desperately wanted to sit next to her and study her beautiful face. Search it for clues. Funny, he thought, Zoe always hated it when he did that but it never seemed to bother Gillian. She just looked back and studied his face in turn. That often made it almost impossible for him to read her. Because when she looked at him he couldn't stop himself from just looking at her. He would often stare at her, when she couldn't see him, he just simply couldn't get enough. Like she was a puzzle that he was constantly trying to finish. But now? Now he wasn't sure that he could look at her. He was feeling too vulnerable, too raw. He had always seemed to invite trouble wherever he went but what scared him now was that he felt reckless in the face of danger. He'd done stupid things before, Lord only knows, but the murky feelings muddling inside him made him careless of his life. That terrified him. Was this how his mother had felt? The hopelessness that engulfs you, whispering in your ear… Usually, the very thought of Emily would banish these thoughts, at least long enough for him to find something to distract himself, but now he felt too weak.
A sudden movement from the couch pulled him from his revery.
"Do you ever think about what it would have been like?" Gillian turned to face him and asked him, looking almost like a child.
He must have made a face because she seemed to regret it immediately.
"I shouldn't have said… That's not fair of me to ask," she said quickly, absentmindedly wiping a tear away.
"Must be the drinks," she added unconvincingly.
Cal watched her and she looked away, not wanting him to read her. That gave him the push needed so he sat next to her on the couch.
After a long silence, Cal finally spoke.
"I've thought about it, probably, every day since that night.— No, that's not right," he took a deep breath, "I've thought about what my life would have been with you since…" he stopped, looking at his hands, not quite ready to admit how long he had loved her. "For years I've imagined how very different my life would have been had we met under different circumstances. Everything you've been through, you have no idea how much I wanted to be the one next to you, to get to comfort you, to share your pain. The thought of waking up next to you every morning is the closest I can imagine as heaven."
He looked at her and saw tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I've been scared, and I really don't know what I've been afraid of, except perhaps, happiness. Because that night with you I felt for the first time in my life security. Being in your embrace was the first and last time I've experienced true happiness… I try not to think about it too much. Because if I do I have to fight with every fibre in my body to keep going. Otherwise, I would crumble up and be whisked away by the wind. I had true happiness, love and security, for a little while I had it, but I let it go. I let it slip away and it's my fault. And I've seen how you've suffered, and I'm so sorry Cal. Sometimes I wish I'd have left earlier that night, in order to spare us, from this pain." she finished and didn't dare look at him.
Cal was shocked. Not so much by her words, but by her guilt that painted her whole face. And he understood. She blamed herself for everything. For their lost romance, for her terrible losses and for his anger and pain. She covered it very well but, she was his blind spot after all. This realisation baffled him, but also plunged him into nagging guilt. He had blamed her, as well. And now he couldn't help but wonder if she'd sensed or even seen it on his tortured face.
"Darling," he said and softly took her hands in his own, "I would relive the pain a hundred times if it meant I got to love you properly, even if it was only for a few hours," he said and squeezed her hands. Gillian let out a small sob and Cal pulled her towards him. She cried in his arms and Cal stroked her hair lovingly. Neither of them noticed when they fell asleep.
Sometime during the night, they had laid down together in a close embrace. The early sun was shining through the window and slowly began shining directly into Cal's face. The brightness made him turn his head and at that, he breathed in Gillian's hair. At that, he opened his eyes and for a moment he was confused. He looked out the window as the sun was rising and then down at Gillian who sleepily stirred in his arms. For a split second, he was there again; their only night together. Only then had he woken up naked next to her. He had kissed her eyelids, nose, cheeks and finally her lips. She woke with a smile and quickly deepened the kiss. The made sleepy love and afterwards Gill lay on top of him and he slowly stroked her back.
"This couch is surprisingly accommodating," Gillian said with a smile.
"Just imagine what we'll be able to do in a bed," Cal replied cheekily. Gillian laughed and he held her tightly.
That moment had been pure perfection, Cal reminisced. Full of promise and new love.
He was pulled from his revery as Gillian stretched.
"We fell asleep?" She said groggily.
"Yeah," he said looking at her through heavy-lidded eyes.
"In this couch," Gillian said with a small smile.
Cal chuckled and kissed the top of her head. Gillian held him tighter at that and sighed contentedly.
They lay silent for a long while.
"How you feeling?" Cal asked.
"'Dry mouth and swollen eyes' sums it up pretty well," she said with a little laugh.
"Do you want to get up?" He asked, making to move.
"No!" She replied quickly and he laid back again.
"I feel almost like we've been given another chance. Is that silly?" She asked.
"How do you mean?" Cal asked.
"The last time we woke up together, on this very couch, we headed blindly forward - not really knowing how we were going to make this work, we just knew we wanted to. But now? Now, so much has happened and yet we ended up here again,"
"Second chance?" Cal asked
"Second chance," Gillian repeated.
"Gill, I need you to be absolutely certain, because I can't lose you again. I don't have it in me, darling, I don't have the strength," Cal stated.
"If you'll have me, then I'm yours," she said her face full of emotion.
"If I'll have you? Are you mental?" He said loudly, "If I'll have you? Darling, I won't ever let you go," he finished staring intently at her.
She looked at him and felt her heart race in her chest. Was this really happening?
"So what do we now?" She asked. They both looked at bit punch-drunk.
"It's still early so let's sleep for a little bit and then go home, together," he said staring into her beautiful eyes.
"Home sounds good," Gillian smiled and moved towards him and kissed him sweetly. Cal kissed her back and pulled her even closer towards him. They cuddled together and sighed, content and calm for the first time in a very long time.
The end.
A.N: I want to thank everyone who followed this story and gave reviews, it really meant a lot. I hope this ending was worth the wait, it took me a long time to find it but I am pleased with finally finishing.
-Long live Callian!