I really don't like where this story took me. That's why I didn't post it. But well... here it is anyway.
I'm sure you are going to hate me now.
o-o-o-o-o
When Kate woke up, she was alone. Castle was nowhere to be seen. She put the blanket away and started to look around the loft. He wasn't in the living room. And he wasn't in the kitchen. But she could hear him walking around in his office.
She got up from the couch to see what he was doing. The moment she opened the door, he turned around. He looked kind of nervous.
"You okay?" she asked, teasing him. What was he nervous about?
"Yeah" he nodded but she sensed that his heart wasn't in it. Huh… That was new.
"Kate, I…" he started but stopped himself, looking down at his feet for a moment. When he looked back at her again he looked fearful and regretful.
"What is it, Castle?" She was getting nervous too. What did he want to say? Did he change his mind about raising the baby together?
"I have to show you something" he said and slowly walked over to his smart board. He looked like he was preparing himself for a fight. His shoulders were tense.
Kate got worried. This couldn't be good. He was rarely this serious. Fear and panic started to take residence in her stomach.
"Before I show you this, please know that I love you and I really, really want us to work out." He said before he tapped the white board and brought it to life.
Kate was looking at a picture of herself. She was smiling and under the picture was her name. Castle looked at her, taking in her focused expression. With a deep sigh he tapped the picture and all the information came into view.
The first thing Kate saw was the picture of her mother. She instantly and unconsciously took a step back. She slowly looked at all the other people on the board. Names and pictures staring at her. Everybody who was related to her mother's murder.
What had he done? He had told her to back away. And she had listened to him.
And now it looked like he was investigating it behind her back. Her mother's murder. Her shooting.
How could he do this?
She looked at the board, disappointment and fury building in her. She was going to focus on anger. That's when she noticed the empty space with the name Smith under it. Who was that?
"Who's Smith?" she asked, her voice ice cold.
Castle flinched. This wasn't going well. He could already see her going down the rabbit hole.
"He is the one who kept you safe the past months" Castle said carefully.
"Explain!" she ordered, not leaving any room for arguments. He studied her closely. This was so not going well. She was already starting to get blind to everything else but the case. But Castle needed to explain anyway. He couldn't keep this from her any longer.
"He is a friend of Montgomery" Castle started, knowing he had to tell but he was absolutely terrified how she would react.
"Montgomery sent him information, damaging to the people behind your mom's murder. He struck a deal with them. As long as you don't investigate they are going to let you live. The package only arrived after you had been shot"
He could see the anger in Kate's eyes rising until there wasn't anything else left. No kindness, no love for him, just anger.
"You had a lead on my mother's case for a year and you didn't tell me?" she asked incredulous, her voice a loud angry hiss.
"I was trying to keep you safe" he said, keeping his voice even, neutral, in hope she would calm down, see his point.
"I needed a lead! Not protection!" she yelled angrily. "How do I find this guy?"
"Kate, please" he started to beg. She couldn't dig in this case again. They would kill her. "Don't do this. They are going to kill you"
"How do I find this guy?" she was going at him like she would on a suspect. Yelling, demanding, piercing him with her eyes.
He gave in. "I don't know. He is a voice on the phone, a shadow in a parking garage."
"Give me all the information you have" she demanded, stepping closer to him, her hand outstretched.
"No" he took a step back. "Kate, please, don't do this" he begged again.
"They are going to kill you."
"It's my life! Mine! You don't get to decide!" she yelled. "Now give me the information"
"Kate, please" He could see her spiraling deeper into her anger, deeper down the rabbit hole and he was getting desperate. He couldn't lose her. Not again. And… Oh god. He couldn't lose their child.
"Please don't do this" he begged but with the state she was in he could talk to a wall and would accomplish more with his begging. Still, he had to try.
"Please Kate, please don't do this." His eyes started to water and he didn't care a bit. Sadly, Kate didn't either. "I love you, Kate. Please don't do this. I can't lose you. I love you."
"I don't care what you want or don't want!" she was getting angrier and angrier with every minute. He flinched, feeling his heart slowly shattering. "Give. Me. The. Information!"
"Please Kate, please think about the baby" he tried, getting desperate.
"You are going to get the baby killed" he was barely able to see her through the clouds of tears that were forming in his eyes.
"It's my body! I can do with it whatever I want!" she yelled, completely caught in her anger, oblivious to how much she was hurting him. Or she simply didn't care.
He looked at her, willing her to take back the words. To take back that she didn't care about the baby's life. He could take that she didn't care enough about him but he couldn't take this.
She couldn't mean this, could she? She couldn't be serious about not caring for the baby? Just hours ago they were talking about the gender. Just hours ago they made the ultrasound, making them both cry out of happiness. She couldn't mean what she just said, could she?
Their eyes were locked. His pleading her to take the words back. Hers burning with blind anger.
When she didn't say anything, he felt the tears leave his eyes, making their way down his cheeks.
His heart broke into a million pieces. Pieces on which Kate was jumping brutally with every second she didn't take the words back.
"I guess there is nothing I can say" he choked out, trying hard to hold back sobs. He walked over to the smart-board, pulling the USB drive out.
"I never thought of you as a killer. But if you are investigating this you are going to get our child killed. It's not only yours." His heart, only teeny tiny shattered pieces, fell down from his chest to his stomach, piercing it, turning it around. He felt the urge to throw up. "It's mine too"
He let the USB drive fall on the table. "Have fun with it. Obviously I'm not going to be a part of this. If you want to throw your life away, so be it. But I'm not going to stick around to watch you do so. I'm not going to make Alexis lose her father to this. I'm not going to watch you kill our baby. My baby. You don't even deserve it being called yours. A parent should want to protect his child, not kill it. It's over, Kate. I'm done" he said before turning around and walking into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Quietly. It felt like finality. Defeat. Disappointment.
Kate watched the door close, still caught in her anger. Too deep down the rabbit hole to care about anything or anyone else. It was like she hadn't even heard what he had said the whole time. The only thing on her mind was the new lead she had on her mother's case. There was no room for emotions. No room for anything else but the case.
She took a step forward to pick the USB drive from the desk. When she did her gaze fell on the ultrasound picture Castle had already put in a frame that was now sitting on his desk, staring back at her.
She quickly avoided her eyes but the picture was burned inside her head. She felt her eyes water. She looked at the closed door of his bedroom again before she turned around and walked out of his office towards the front door of the loft. The USB drive clutched in her hand.
o-o-o-o-o
Castle was devastated. He didn't know what to do. Never in his life had he felt so awful.
He could cry, scream, destroy everything around him and throw up all at the same time.
Never before had he felt so useless, so defeated, so helpless, so powerless. He slid down the back of his bedroom door. Ultimately defeated.
There was nothing he could do. He had told her he loved her. He had reminded her of the baby. Nothing he could offer her would get her out of the state she was in.
He felt hot tears running down his face in a steady flow. Why did he need to fight for his children's lives every time?
At least he had been successful with Meredith. He had been able to buy her with shoes, clothes and jewelry. This was something they had agreed to never tell a soul. Never. She loved Alexis now, he knew that but she hadn't wanted her in the beginning.
How could Kate do this? How could she risk their baby's life like this?
He slammed his fist against the door. Of course, only hurting himself in the process. He screamed frustrated. Nobody would hear him anyway since nobody was home.
At some point he decided to write, knowing for sure that what he was about to write would never see the light of day.
He just needed to get all the frustration out, all the helplessness, all the anger, and all the disappointment in Kate and in himself for not being able to hold her back, to just not being enough for her. Never enough.
His fingers flew over the keyboard furiously. All the emotions were slowly flowing out of his fingers into the words he was hammering.
Until nothing was left despite the feeling of defeat and numbness. He felt dead inside.
Never enough.
His fingers hit the keyboard at a rapid pace. He didn't even register what he was writing. He would probably never read it himself, not ever wanting to go back to the place he was in right now.
That's how Martha found him. Typing furiously, tear-stained face and the most devastated look she had ever seen on his face.
She felt the urge to sit down on the couch with him, pull him in her lap and rock him back and forth like she had done when he was a little boy.
She knocked at the doorframe, lightly. He didn't look up.
"Richard" she said softly. He looked up. Now that she could see his eyes she got even more concerned. They were blood-shot. He clearly had been crying for some time now.
She walked the few steps towards his desk, sitting down on the edge of it so she could look him into the eyes.
"What happened?" she asked.
Not being able to answer his mother he carefully, very carefully handed her the frame that was still sitting on his desk.
She took it, looking at the ultrasound until she found the name of the patient, causing her head to shoot back up.
A few theories came to her mind. Maybe she was pregnant with someone else's child? No, he would be shattered but not like this and he wouldn't put the picture in a frame.
Maybe she lost the child? But were was she? If she had lost the child and told him about it, wouldn't she be here? Going through this together?
"What happened, Richy?" she asked again, using the pet name she hadn't used the last 35 years and her gentlest voice.
"I showed her the smart-board" he said, new tears filling his eyes. "She is going to investigate it. She is going to get the baby killed, mother"
The tears were flowing down again. How could she do this? How could she kill their baby? Well, get it killed. But it was the same.
"Oh Richard" Martha said compassionately, hugging her boy and wishing she could make his sorrows go away like she had been able to when he had been a little boy.
They stayed like this for a long time. She didn't say that she had told him to show her sooner but she had. And she couldn't stop herself to wonder if things had gone differently if he had told her months ago.
But she couldn't understand how Kate could risk her baby's life. Martha had never figured her for somebody who put herself first. Least of all above a little helpless innocent creature, growing inside her. She was furious at her for her son's sake and sad that she probably would never get to know this grandchild of hers.
o-o-o-o-o
It's going to be a little better again. Promise