Martha sighed when she heard the clicking of the keyboard again. He had drowned himself in alcohol a little, knowing Alexis wouldn't be home for the next few days. It was probably a good thing that she was spending time with her friends in the Hamptons. She shouldn't see her father like this.
The clicking got faster again. A sure sign that he was frustrated and angry. Her son had never been one to pick a fight. He had always used his words, never his fists. At times his keyboard was like a punching bag. Times like this.
Martha couldn't believe that Katherine cared more about getting justice for her mother than she cared about the baby. She could remember being pregnant with Richard, how it felt to feel him kicking against her stomach, how she would do anything to protect him.
She liked her. She had really hoped they would end up together. She knew Richard loved her and she was pretty sure his feelings were reciprocated but maybe this wasn't enough. Maybe she really just didn't care enough about him.
It made her sad. She could have made him happy. And she was pretty sure that he could have made her happy too. It made her sad to think that they missed their chance. They both deserved to be happy. Both of them had been through enough before this already.
Before Martha could think longer about bad timing and the sadness of it, there was a knock on the door. She was pretty sure Richard hadn't heard it in the state he was in. And even if he had she was sure he wouldn't get up to open the door, knowing that it wasn't Alexis and not caring about anybody else right now.
When she opened the door she was greeted with the sight of Katherine Beckett, her eyes as blood shot from crying as Richards. Her mascara was smeared all over her cheeks. There was probably none left on her lashes. She looked as devastated as her son and Martha had to fight motherly instincts to keep herself from hugging the younger woman. She really cared about her too and she hated to see her like this.
But she had to stay on her son's side. She just wished they would all find themselves on the same side again someday.
For a short moment she thought about not letting her in. She was furious at her for hurting her son, for apparently not caring about her grandchild. But she threw that thought away.
It had to mean something that Katherine came back, right? Hopefully she was here to apologize. It wouldn't heal them but she could at least tell him that she wasn't going to get his child killed. Hopefully that was why she was here.
Martha noticed that Kate was working hard to keep it together. She had stared at her long enough and she could see that it was making her nervous. Not wanting to scare her away Martha opened the door wider, signaling her to come in.
"He is in his office" Martha said, not really knowing what she should do. She shouldn't interfere with her son's life but they needed to talk. Hopefully it would make him feel a little better.
"Please don't hurt him further" she added.
Kate nodded, tears shimmering in her eyes again. She was thankful Martha had let her in. She knew she couldn't make anything undone or even make up for it but she needed to apologize, to tell him that she wasn't going to risk his baby's life.
She made her way to his study, thinking about what she should say when Martha called from the door "I'm out, kiddo." Kate felt instantly bad, knowing that she only went out now because she wanted to give them space to talk. But she appreciated it anyway.
This time he didn't notice her when she stood in the entryway of his office. He was seated on his chair in front of the desk. His fingers were flowing over the keyboard at a rapid pace. He didn't look at the screen. His eyes were closed. He looked so hurt, so shattered.
She swallowed. This was her fault. She slowly walked over to his desk. He didn't look up. He either didn't notice her or he didn't want to. She stopped just inches in front of the desk. He was still typing furiously.
She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She carefully pulled the USB drive out of her jeans pocket. She eyed it. Stupid little thing. Caused all of this. She carefully placed it on the table, next to his keyboard.
Rick noticed movement through his closed eyelids and tried to decide if he should open them. Probably just his mother, wanting to get his attention. He should keep his eyes closed. This way he was at least able to stop crying like a baby.
He was just about to shut the outside world out again when a wave of a familiar smell caught his attention. But for the first time it didn't bring comfort or love or joy. No. The scent of cherries made him nauseous. He snapped his eyes open just to see her standing in front of his desk, her hand resting next to his keyboard. He pulled his hand away, to prevent it from accidently touching her.
She looked as shattered as he felt, Castle thought. He tried to ignore the little sting it caused his heart to see all her make-up everywhere on her face but the places where it should be.
No. He didn't care. He didn't care about her blood-shot eyes. He didn't care that she looked like she had been crying as long as he had. He didn't care.
And he absolutely didn't want to comfort her. Because it was all her fault. He. Didn't. Care.
She took her hand back from his desk, leaving the USB drive on the table. Castle's gaze fell on it. What did she want? Why was she back?
"What do you want, Kate?" he snapped and he totally didn't care that she flinched at his angry words. He didn't.
Kate felt the first tears preparing themselves to make their appearance again. He had every right to be angry. To hate her. To never want to see her again.
"I want to apologize. For the things I said" she started, working hard not to cry. "And for not saying anything when I should have." There was so much more she wanted to say, but words had never been her thing. She needed Castle to say something. She needed him to prompt her.
"You think everything will be okay again when you apologize?" Castle asked, a mask over his face. Kate couldn't tell what emotions he was hiding from her to save her life. Probably anger.
"No" Kate said. Her eyes were burning from unshed tears. "I just owe you an apology and I know I can't make up for what I said and didn't say but thought you should know that I'm truly sorry"
Castle stared at her and Kate could see the anger glistering and bubbling up. Yes, Castle, That's good. Be angry, yell at me. I deserve that and you should let it out before it eats you up.
"I don't get you" Castle groaned exasperated. "You come here and tell me that you are pregnant. You tell me that you love me and that you want to raise our child together."
Kate nodded and looked at the floor ashamed. She couldn't hold the tears in anymore and Castle pretended that he didn't care to see her cry. It just wasn't fair that he still hated seeing her cry so much. It just wasn't fair that his stupid heart still beat faster when he saw her. It just wasn't fair.
"And then, not even 24 hours later, you walk out on me. You tell me that you don't care about me. You don't care about my family. You don't care about our baby. All you care about is your obsession with your mother's murder. And all that after you told me a day prior that you love me more than you want to solve your mother's case. Granted it wasn't my cleverest move to keep this from you but I did it to protect you because I love you. But you don't care about that. So I don't get why you are back, Kate"
He was frustrated. What could she possibly want? She had already broken his heart and kicked the pieces multiple times. Why was she here?
"What do you want from me?" Castle asked exhausted. He wasn't an angry guy by nature and being angry for so long was draining his energy. If she would just tell him why she was here maybe they could get it over with faster and she would leave him alone to lick his wounds in peace and try to get over her.
"To keep me grounded" Kate whispered, watching the tears fall to her shoes.
"What?" asked Castle. He hadn't heard her properly and what he had heard must be his imagination.
"I know it's not fair of me to ask. But Castle…" she looked up and wiped the tears away. "I don't know how to stay away from the case. I…I… need you" she shook her head. Yes, she needed him to keep her away but he wouldn't do it for her. "The baby needs you to keep me away from this case. Please Castle, please help me keep the baby safe until it's here and I can't jeopardize its life anymore."
Castle stared at her for a long time. She was so confusing. How should he ever make sense of her actions and reasoning? He was still so angry and hurt. But it seemed like she didn't want to pursue the case anymore.
But he wouldn't make assumptions again. They didn't get him anywhere and just caused more confusion and hurt.
"You won't go after Smith or anybody else related to the case?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. This was so not what she had said hours ago. But she looked like she was in her right mind at the moment. Somehow, at least.
She shook her head. "No" Tears were running down her face in an unstoppable waterfall.
"I know I can't fix us. I know you can't forgive me. But I do love you. That wasn't a lie. I even love you more than I want to solve the case. I really do. It's just like it always pulls me down the rabbit hole and I'm not capable of seeing anything else. That's why I need you to keep me away from it. For the baby's sake. Please."
"I never said that" said Castle, still not sure if he could believe her. He believed her that she loved him. He just didn't believe that she loved him as much as she was saying.
"What?" asked Kate confused, stopping to cry for a moment.
"I never said that I could never forgive you" Castle clarified. Of course he wasn't ready to forgive her right away. But he was forgivable to a fault and if she really would leave the case alone and protect the baby he probably couldn't stop himself from forgiving her. Even if he maybe shouldn't. Even if she didn't deserve it.
But he just didn't want to always have bad feelings when he thought about her. He was so madly in love and they had had a lot of good times. He didn't want to always feel regretful and sad when he thought about her and his time working with the 12th. Because he couldn't imagine hating her for the rest of his life. And with her, there was nothing in between. It was either loving or hating her.
And he would rather not hate her.
"You shouldn't" Kate said quietly. Of course she wanted him to forgive her but she knew she didn't deserve it.
"I know" he said, causing her to nod sadly. "But I want to try" he said and she looked up at him. The most grateful look on her face.
He studied her. She seemed much more composed than five hours ago when she had stormed out. What had grounded her? What had caused her to see sense?
"Where did you go?" he asked. She hesitated for a second but not long. She needed to be completely honest with him. And she wanted to.
"To see my therapist" she told him, waiting for his reaction. His eyes got wide.
"You have a therapist?" he asked.
Kate shrugged. "Well, obviously I need one" she hesitated before she said "he suggested I bring you along tomorrow. Only if you were willing to of course. You don't have to…"she drifted off.
"You are seeing him again tomorrow already?" Castle asked.
"He decided that I need to see him daily for a while" Kate confessed.
"And he invited me to come along?" Castle asked and she nodded. "And you would be okay with that?" he asked skeptically, not believing that she would let him join her in something as private as a therapy session.
"Yes. He thinks we could probably use a mediator" she said, giving him a shy smile.
Castle gave her a half smile back. "He's probably right"
"Probably" Kate said, feeling incredibly relived that he was trying to forgive her.
They just looked at each other for some time.
"What happens now?" they asked at the same time, and couldn't help but smile. They were still so in sync with each other. How was that even possible?
Castle shrugged. "We talk?"
"I would like to try that" Kate nodded.
Neither of them said a word after they had sat down on the couch in his living room, not knowing what to say.
After a while Castle decided to just voice the thing that was on the forefront of his mind.
"You hurt me"
"I know" Kate said sadly. "And I can't apologize enough for what I said but I want you to know that I didn't mean anything of it. Please believe that, Rick"
"You said you don't care about the baby" Rick said and it hurt him to say it out loud.
Kate's eyes filled with tears again. She felt nauseous.
"Please Rick, please believe that I didn't mean that. Please" she begged him. "If you don't believe anything else, please believe that. I didn't mean it. Please believe me."
„I want to believe you, Kate. But please understand that it's a little difficult right now" Rick told her.
„I'll prove it to you. I promise" Kate said while big tears rolled down her cheeks.
Rick said nothing. He really hoped that she would keep that promise