Chapter 6

To say Kate was nervous would have been the understatement of the year. She gripped the wheel of her car tighter to prevent her hands from trembling nervously.

Rick beside her didn't seem to fare any better. He had changed the radio station like twenty times the last three minutes, his leg was bouncing up and down and he ran his hand trough his hair every other second.

They were on their way to see Dr. Burke. Kate had picked up Castle a few minutes ago for her early morning meeting with her therapist.

They'd tried talking last night but it had been difficult. Both of them had wanted to be open with their feelings but it was hard and neither knew what to say. They'd wanted to really talk and not fall back into subtext but all that had happened, was that they had sat beside each other awkwardly.

Kate really hoped that Dr. Burke could help them. She didn't know how to talk to Castle. She felt like she needed to apologize for the rest of her life. And even then it wouldn't be enough.

„I've never talked to a therapist before" Rick stated when he couldn't take the silence anymore. He didn't know what to talk about with Kate. He had never had that problem before. But he just had issues trusting her right now. He wished he could trust her. But he couldn't.

He used to trust her with his life, his family, his heart. He had trusted her with everything. Now that trust was gone. Well okay, he still trusted her with his life. But the rest? Not so much.

Castle didn't expect her to say something to his statement and she didn't.

A few minutes later they arrived their destination and got out of the car.

„You ready?" Kate asked before they entered her doctor's office.

„As I'll ever be" he answered, following her in.

They sat down in the waiting area, none of them knowing what to say. This was awkward. Rick hated it. This had never happened to him. Never. Not with anybody. And would it be any other person he wouldn't suffer through this awkwardness. But this was Kate. And he hoped that in the end it would all be worth it.

„I hate therapy" Kate sighed.

„Why did you go if you hate it so much? I mean aside from yesterday? Why did you go the last months?" Castle asked. He'd wondered about that ever since she told him yesterday that she was seeing a therapist regularly. He just couldn't imagine Beckett to willingly open up to another person. A shrink no less.

Before Kate could answer Dr. Burke called them into his office. Instead of the usual armchair there was a couch in it's place.

„Hello Kate, you look better" he greeted her, shaking her hand. Then he turned to Castle.

„You must be Rick Castle. Nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Burke as Kate has probably told you" the doctor introduced himself, shaking Castle's hand. „Now before we start I'd like to clarify how to address you. Everything is fine. Whatever works for you"

Castle looked over at Kate. „He calls you by your first name?"

Kate nodded.

„Then I'll go with my first name as well"

„Alright. Let's take a seat then please." Dr Burke mentioned to the sofa.

„I have to inform you that I don't do counseling normally but I'm making an exception for you" Dr. Burke explained when they had all sat down. „Sometimes I will address you separately, sometimes the both of you together and sometimes I will ask you to talk to each other about something. And if you decide to continue these sessions, there will definitely be homework. Is that okay with you?"

Both of them nodded their agreement.

„Let's start then" he said. „Rick since you are new to this and we don't really know each other yet, I'd like to start with Kate."

They nodded again.

„So Kate, do you want to tell me what happened after you left my office yesterday?"

Kate took a deep breath, shot Castle a questioning look and waited for him to nod before she started talking.

„I went straight to Castle's place like we talked about. His mother let me in. I apologized, he was angry at first with good reason. Then he asked if I was going to go after my mother's murderers, I said ‚no'. He said he'd like to try to forgive me then and agreed to come see you with me. We decided to try to talk." She glanced at Castle a little nervously before she added. „It was kind of awkward."

„Thank you Kate." Dr. Burke praised. „Is that how you remember it too, Rick?"

„Yes, that summarizes it pretty good." Rick agreed.

„Okay then" Dr. Burke said. „Kate, you said that talking was awkward. Rick was that your impression too?"

„Yeah" Rick sighed. „It had never been like that between us before. Actually this had never happened to me with anyone before for that matter."

Burke just nodded. „Why was it awkward?" He looked between them.

Kate decided to answer. „Because neither of us really knew what to say"

„I want you both to take a moment and think about what each of you did to make it awkward. What were your thoughts that prevented a normal conversation?" Burke told them, and when they agreed he got up from his chair to give them time to think and get a water.

A few minutes later, he sat down again.

„I suggest that each of you tells us now what your part was in making it awkward." Burke said.

„I'd like to go first" they said in unison.

Burke watched with interest as they both smiled.

„You go first" in tandem again. They chuckled.

„I start" Rick said then. And Kate nodded.

„I think that the reason why it was so awkward on my part was that I wanted to be completely honest but the only thing on my mind was how hurt I was. So that was the only thing I could talk about. And I think that maybe I should work through that alone. I mean Kate already apologized and I accepted. But I still have trouble trusting her and I guess that just takes time. And I'm just not used to not forgiving instantly. I guess that is what's making it awkward on my part, I want to forgive and trust her but it takes more time than I'd like it too" Castle told them what he'd figured out the past minutes about himself.

„Very good, Rick" Burke praised his braveness to share this with them. Then he looked expectantly at Kate.

„I feel like I have to apologize again every second sentence. Castle already said that I don't have to anymore, that one sincere heartfelt apology is enough but it's just the feeling I've got. Plus I'm afraid of talking. I'm afraid that I'm going to say things that will hurt him" Kate confessed. „Because that is all I seem to be capable of lately."

„What do you think would help you reduce the awkwardness?" Dr Burke asked.

„Work" they said in unison again.

„It's a good sign that you agree on that. Just try not to forget what we talked about today. I don't want you to just ignore all what happened" Dr Burke warned. „Now I will give you a minute to decide if you want to continue counseling and then…"

„I don't have to think about it" Rick interrupted. „If Kate is okay with it, I'd like to make this a weekly thing. I think it would be helping us a lot"

He looked at Kate who smiled at him relieved. She had hoped that Castle would want to continue counseling. „I think so too"

„Well, then it's settled. You can make a new appointment at the front desk" Dr Burke told them. „But before you go I'll give you your homework. I want you to write a diary entry from the others perspective. I want you to write down the other persons feelings about yourself."

Both of them stared at him like he was insane.

„You want me to pretend that I'm Kate and write a diary entry about her feelings for me?" Castle asked incredulously.

„Exactly" Burke said. „And I want you to do it after you haven't seen each other for at least 24 hours because we don't want it to be a spur of a moment thing."

„This is too difficult" Kate started to protest. There was no way this wouldn't end in a disaster.

„This is your homework and if you want to make progress I suggest you are doing it, Kate" Burke said in a stern tone. He reminded Castle a little of Montgomery. The man had definitely a soft spot for Kate since he'd agreed to do counseling for her. And he was a little like a stern father figure who wanted nothing but her best, even if he had to use a little force to get her there.

Kate grumbled but didn't protest further.

They said their goodbyes and made their way out of the building.

When they walked side by side to her car both of them were lost in thought. How should they know what the other was feeling? This was stupid. How should this help them? Dr. Burke always told her that she shouldn't assume and now he made her do it? What was the logic behind that?

„We could cheat" Castle thought out loud.

„What?" asked Kate who had been too busy with arguing with her .

„You write mine, I write yours. That way it would be correct" Castle suggested.

Tempting, Kate thought and then sighed. „As much as I don't like this exercise, I'm willing to do it. If Dr. Burke thinks this is going to help then I'm willing to try. Even if I don't see how this is supposed to help."

„And anyway, shouldn't this be easy for you. You are a writer after all" Kate tried to joke.

„Exactly" Castle said. „I'm a writer. Not a mindreader. I make things up for a living, now I'm supposed to know what you are thinking"

„So it's equally difficult for both of us" Kate concluded.

„Seems that way" Castle agreed.

Then Kate's phone rung and she picked up. When she ended the call she said „Come on, Castle. Let's solve a murder"

O-o-o-o-o

„Stop laughing. It's not funny" Kate grumbled and threw a pillow into Lanie's face who just continued laughing.

„Oh yes. It's hilarious." Lanie gasped. „And I think you have it way better than him. I mean even you don't know how you feel most of the time. How is Castle supposed to know?"

Kate glared at her. She'd tried the whole week to at least collect some ideas for the diary entry but she just couldn't do it. Today had been her day off. She hadn't seen Castle since two days ago because after his initial idea of cheating he had taken the homework pretty seriously and hadn't come to the precinct in order to fulfill the exercise correctly.

Kate started to panic every time the pen touched the paper, the words ‚Dear Diary' mocking her. How was she supposed to know what Castle was feeling? Before their fight she would have known what to write. He'd loved her then. But now? He couldn't love her anymore after what she'd done, right? What did he feel towards her right now? Anger? Hatred? Resignation? Indifference?

Tomorrow morning was their next appointment with Dr. Burke and Kate still had nothing aside from ‚Dear Diary'. She'd been so desperate she'd called Lanie for a girl's night. Kate had already told her about their terrible fight and her emergency appointment with Dr. Burke sometime this week but until ten minutes ago she hadn't told her about the counseling.

„You have to admit, Kate, it's kind of funny. All the time you and Castle assume what the other is thinking or feeling. And you are always both so sure that you know exactly what is inside the others head. And now that you actually have to write it down you are freaking out."

„It's not funny, Lanie" Kate whined. „What if I get it totally wrong? What if I have to read it to him and I picked the wrong sentiment and he is hurt or insulted? I've already done enough damage. I'm so scared I'm screwing this up."

Now Lanie noticed that her friend was really upset about this.

„Why couldn't he just make me write an apology or something?" Kate groaned. She let her head sink into her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. „I'm going to screw this up. I'll write the wrong thing and he will be hurt by it. Again. I can't do this, Lanie, I can't"

Kate was close to tears now. He wanted to try to forgive her and she was going to destroy it with this stupid homework. What was Dr. Burke thinking? He was supposed to help them, not destroy what little was left from their relationship.

„Kate, look at me" Lanie told her and took her hands away from her face. „You can do this. You might not know his exact sentiments but when it comes down to it, you do know him pretty well."

„I know him well. I know he is generous and kind and sweet and has a big heart. But I don't know his feelings for me" Kate said and then she went silent, tears gathering in her eyes. „I don't know if he still loves me" Tears made their way down her cheeks.

„If I write that he still loves me and he doesn't, he'll think how stupid I am for even considering this after what I have done. He'll be insulted. And if I write that he doesn't love me anymore and he does, he'll be hurt that I doubted him. This is a terrible choice" Kate brushed the tears away with the back of her hand but new ones kept coming at a steady pace.

„He is going to therapy with you. That is saying something, Kate" Lanie pointed our.

„He could be doing that for the baby. He is a great father. The best. He wants the best for the baby. That doesn't has to have anything to do with me" Kate argued.

„Well" Lanie started. „When it comes down to it, you will have to decide if you want to risk insulting or hurting him. But think about it this way: He's been madly in love with you for four years. Do you really think he could just fall out of it?"

„After what I have done?" Kate asked. „It would be unreasonable not to"

„Maybe" Lanie conceded. „But love isn't a switch, Kate. There is nothing reasonable about love."

O-o-o-o-o

After Lanie had gone home, Kate got ready for bed. She took her pen and the paper for the diary entry with her.

She looked at her phone. Seven hours left until she had to pick up Castle for their appointment and she still hadn't done her homework.

But talking to Lanie had helped her. She finally had an idea what she could write thanks to her friend. So now with that idea in her head she just started to write without thinking about every sentence.

Dear Diary,

Love isn't a switch.

…

O-o-o-o-o

Hi readers,

This chapter was kind of difficult to write and I don't like it that much.

Please tell me what you think.

Thanks for reading :)