Thanks for all your kind reviews. I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I find it very difficult to write Dr. Burke so I'm glad you liked it.
Since somebody asked: my primary language is german
O-o-o-o-o
„So how did you fare with your homework?" Dr Burke asked them.
Apparently now was the moment of truth, Kate thought. They'd talked a little about how each of them had done during the week, if it was still awkward between them (a little) and it seemed like now they were going to talk about their homework.
„Kate, would you please tell us how it was for you to write a diary entry from Rick's perspective" Dr Burke prompted.
Kate took a deep breath before she answered. „It was very difficult. I had trouble all week to come up with an idea what to write. I wrote it last night when I finally got an idea. It went okay then."
„Are you kidding me?" Castle gaped at her. „I wrote at least a hundred diary entries before I even started to think that I got the right idea. All the sheets of paper I threw away could probably fill my next novel. How could you write it in one try?"
„Because I knew that if I even read it one time I would never be able to bring it here with me" Kate told him honestly. She hadn't even proofread her diary entry once.
„Well, I guess writing things down is just part of my thinking process" Castle thought out loud.
„Do I understand correctly that this homework was difficult for the both of you?" Dr Burke asked.
„Yes" they both said, nodding.
„Why do you think that is?" the therapist asked them.
„Because we can't know what the other is thinking…" Rick started.
„…without talking to each other…" Kate added and their eyes met.
„…and being completely honest…" they stared at each other like they had so often done while building theory at the precinct.
Burke watched them interact with each other. There was definitely hope for them. They were completing each other's sentences, they kept looking at each other for approval before giving something away about their relationship and the way they stared at each other made it obvious that both of them still had strong feelings for the other.
„This is an important realization for the both of you." Dr Burke made himself known again. „From what you've told me the last months, Kate, I think that both of you were assuming what the other was feeling or thinking most of the time, which is as you've noticed now, almost impossible."
Kate and Rick felt a little like scolded school kids.
„Now that you realized this, it's up to you what is going to happen with your diary entries" Dr Burke continued. „The important thing about them was to realize that despite how much you think you know about each other, you can not really know unless the other tells you.
So now we can either ignore this homework if you are not feeling comfortable about what you wrote or we can base the next exercise on it. It's your call"
Rick and Kate looked at each other, having a silent conversation before Rick asked what the new homework would be.
„Well, I would suggest that you exchange your diary entries and read it at home. Then your task would be to write an answer to the diary entry in form of a letter. I think it would be a good opportunity to clear away some misunderstandings."
Rick – being curious by nature – said „I'd like to do it. I'd love to know what you think I'm thinking about you, Beckett. And I'd like to know what you actually think about me."
Kate was unsure if she should accept this exercise. On one hand she really wanted to read Ricks diary entry from her perspective and get to know what he really thought about her, on the other hand she was scared. She was scared that she would screw up all the progress they'd made because of her diary entry. And she was even more scared of what he would write back to her. She didn't know if she could take it if he confirmed her thoughts that he wasn't in love with her anymore.
But in the end, she knew what she had to do. They wanted to be honest and open with each other. And this was the place to start.
„Kate?" Rick asked, looking insecure when she'd been silent for too long.
She shook her head to get out of her thoughts. „Yeah, sorry. I'm game if you are" she said.
„Great" Rick smiled happily and held his hand out. In it he held a folded sheet of paper.
After they'd exchanged their homework, they said goodbye to Dr Burke and went to the precinct to work.
O-o-o-o-o
Rick left the precinct early. They'd solved the case and now it was just paperwork. Normally he would stay to keep Kate company but today he was just too curious to read what she wrote to him.
When he entered the loft he went straight for his office, where he sat down in his chair, pulled the diary entry out of his jeans pocket and started to read.
Dear Diary,
Love isn't a switch.
But lately I wish it was.
I've been so in love with Beckett but now… after she almost killed our child? I wish I could just fall out of love. I wish I could stop loving her.
Loving her hurts. Loving her is exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just fall in love with someone else. Someone who isn't that complicated.
But I don't know if I'm capable of falling out of love with her. So I'm trying to forgive her. For the sake of our child especially. We are going to have a child together.
I'm going to have another child. Isn't that amazing? I love being a father.
But I'm a little scared that Kate is going to screw it up. I mean she already almost did and the baby isn't even born yet. How could she ever be a good mother?
Rick put the diary entry down. Wow. Dr Burke was right. They couldn't know what the other was feeling without actually talking to each other about their feelings. It shouldn't really be a surprise but he would have thought that Kate knew him better than that. But apparently not. And if she was wrong about his feelings, he was probably wrong about hers too.
Rick took a sheet of the paper he'd bought on the way home from the precinct for this occasion and started writing.
O-o-o-o-o
When Kate finally finished her paperwork, the bullpen was almost empty. Ryan and Esposito had left half an hour ago and all the other homicide teams had no case today so they'd left hours ago.
She contemplated if she should go home first before she read Castle's diary entry but then her curiosity got the best of her and she just pulled it out of her purse and started to read.
Dear Diary,
I'm scared.
I'm in love with Castle. And that is scaring me. I love him but there are so many other things in my life. And loving him sometimes just gets in the way.
I wanted to catch mom's murderer but now I'm in love with Rick. And I don't know what I want now. Going after the people behind mom's murderer would end our relationship, our partnership and I don't want that.
But all my adult life I've spent chasing those guys and now my love for him makes me stop. And it's difficult. Because sometimes I don't know if I wouldn't rather catch mom's murderers than love him.
And now there is something else too that keeps me from going behind those bad guys. Or someone to be precise. I'm pregnant and I already love the baby so much. I'm a little nervous too. But I love the baby and I'm not going to risk hurting it again by going after my mother's murderers again.
I know mom would want me to be happy. To live my life and leave the case behind. She would want me to be there for the baby.
So I'm in love with Castle and we are going to have a child together and mom would want me to be happy. Shouldn't it be simple?
Kate had tears in her eyes when she put the letter down. Still with a tear-clouded vision she pulled the first sheet of paper out of her desk drawer. There was her grocery list written on one side, so she turned it over and hastily started to write her letter.
Dear Rick,
You are not in the way. Loving you doesn't get in my way. You don't get in my way. You have never been in the way. Even in the beginning of our partnership you have not been in the way. You have always been helpful.
And I know what I want. I want you. You and our baby. That's what I want. I want to be with you. I want to love you. I want you to love me (if that's still what you want). I would love if there was going to be a point in the future where we can be there for our child together.
Wishfully sooner than later because this baby scares the shit out of me. I've never been more scared about anything in my life.
And yes, there was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to catch mom's killer but that time is over. I want you. I want us. And if (and it's a big if) I would ever start to investigate again I would only do so with you by my side. I need your strength, your smartness and your support to do it carefully. Without risking my life (or anyone else's).
I don't know if or when you are ready for it, but I want to be in relationship with you.
I'll give you all the time in the world, but just know until you are ready (if you'll ever be or want to be):
I love you, Rick.
Always.
Love, Kate
When she finished the letter, she pulled her phone out of her purse. It was already 10:13 pm. No wonder the bullpen was so empty. But Kate couldn't wait a second longer so she sent a message to her partner.
K: Are you still awake?
She had to wait only a few seconds before Castle's response came.
R: It's only 10:15 pm. I'm not that old ;p We got a case?
K: Whatever you say, old man ; ) No. Did you write the letter yet?
R: Yeah, I did. Finished it a few hours ago. What about you?
K: Finished it 5 minutes ago.
Kate hesitated a second before she sent the next text.
K: I don't want to wait until our next appointment with Dr Burke to give it to you.
Instead of another text, her phone started to ring, showing Castle's picture on her screen.
„Hey Castle" Kate said smiling, she could still hear her tears from earlier in her voice. She wondered if Castle could hear it to.
„Hey. Are you okay?" he asked a little concerned. So he had noticed, Kate thought.
„Yes." she said. „No" she corrected. „I don't really know."
„What's on your mind?" Castle asked.
„I don't want to wait to give the letter to you. We've talked in subtext enough to last a life time. I don't want to waste any more time to tell you how I'm really feeling." Kate told him and bit her lip. She was unsure if that was what he wanted too but she really couldn't wait any longer. She didn't want to risk any more misunderstandings.
„Do you want to come over?"
Kate smiled. „I would love to"
„Great!" Rick exclaimed and Kate could hear his happy smile which made her own grow too.
O-o-o-o-o
When Rick opened the door, he was greeted by Kate who was still wearing her work clothes.
„Hey" he smiled and pulled her into a quick hug. They didn't normally hug but he just felt like it so he decided to go with it. Kate didn't seem to mind, in fact she hugged him back and held on longer than necessary.
„Do you want something to drink?" Castle asked after he'd guided her towards the couch in the living room.
Kate shook her head. „No thanks. I just want to give you your letter"
„Okay, then let me get yours from my office" Rick said.
A minute later he was back with an cute grey envelope in his hand.
„So how are we going to do this?" Rick asked. „Exchange and read at the same time or first one and then the other?"
„Same time" Kate said. And handed him the letter, taking the envelope from him.
Rick waited for her to open the envelope before he unfolded the paper she gave him. Then he started to read.
Kate looked at the paper first. It was very cute and on the bottom and top was a parade of little elephants which looked a lot like the ones she had on her desk in the precinct. She loved the paper. It was so cute and she was almost sure that he'd just bought it for this occasion. For her.
Then she started to read too.
Dear Kate,
Reading your diary entry made me realize once again how important it is for us to talk about our feelings.
You are right about one thing in your letter. Love isn't a switch. And yes loving you has hurt a little lately.
But everything else you got wrong. I don't want to fall out of love with you. Maybe there was a time when I wished I could stop loving you because I thought you would never reciprocate.
But right now I'm feeling hopeful that in the end all the difficulties, all the heartbreak, all the frustration and all the madness will have been worth it.
Because there is nothing I want more than to be with you and to raise our child together. I'm not in the process of forgiving you (I'm not trying by the way, I'm doing it. It's just a process that takes time) just because of our child. Not even for the bigger part. I'm forgiving you because I want to. Because I love you, because I want to be with you and because I know you are worth it. We are worth it.
As for raising our child: I'm not the slightest bit scared that you won't be an amazing mother. What happened was a one time thing only. I know you would never willingly put our child in danger. As you said yourself your addiction took over for a moment. And I know I am to blame for that too.
This won't happen again. Because I know deep down that you are stronger than that. I know you. You are the most complicated, frustrating, challenging person I know. But you are the strongest, kindest and most lovable person too.
I had issues the last weeks with trusting you. But analyzing my (and your) feelings made me realize that I still trust you with almost everything.
I have no doubt that you are going to love our child just as much as I will (and already do). You are going to be a great mother. You'll put our child above everything just like parents are supposed to do.
I don't know if we'll get there this fast but my greatest wish is that by the time the baby arrives we'll have resolved our problems and be together. I want us to be in a relationship to raise the child together. And I really wish we will be in a place where you will be spending most nights at the loft because I don't want either of us to miss out on anything in the baby's life.
I know I haven't been great at showing you lately but:
I love you, Kate.
Always.
Love,
Rick
Castle waited impatiently for her to finish reading. When her eyes were on the bottom of the letter he watched her eyes go even softer than they had been before. He smiled. They'd written exactly the same words at the end of their letters.
Kate put the letter down and looked up at Rick who was looking at her with a loving gaze. They smiled at each other. And then in silent agreement they leaned towards each other until their lips met.
The kiss was sweet and short before Kate pulled back a little.
„I love you" she whispered and could feel the happiness radiating from him.
„I love you too" he said with the biggest, happiest smile on his lips and then he leaned in to kiss her again.
He pulled her closer and she deepened the kiss, her hands tangled in his hair, his found his way to her waist.
Kate moaned when Castle started nibbling at her lower lip. Kissing him felt like coming home. She didn't want to ever stop. She started to explore his face and chest with caressing touches of her fingertips.
„Stay the night" Castle whispered against her lips.
„God, yes" Kate moaned, griping his shirt tighter in her hands. She definitely didn't want to go home tonight.
„Let's move this to the bedroom" Castle said and scooped her up in his arms to carry her through his office into his bedroom.