"My love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine."
- Pablo Neruda, If you forget me
Jo thinks school is rubbish. This is only her third day and she does not want to go. Why can't she go with Mom to her workplace? She would be real quiet too. She wouldn't even try sipping from one of the adult-drinks Mom gives the people for money. "Moooom! I don't wanna!" She whines and fists her hands in Mom's T-shirt. "Tracy Handerson will pull my hair again and the teacher smells funny."
"Joanna. I'm running out of patience, girl." Her Mom warns. It's her angry voice, but Jo really doesn't wanna get out of the car, so she fiddles with the straps of her backpack without putting it on. Mom reaches across her to open the door, but freezes with her fingers on the handle. "Hey, do you know that boy?"
Jo glances to her right and sees a cute, green-eyed boy who must be a few years older than her. He looks cool. Jo doesn't know his name, though, so she starts shaking her head, but then she follows the boy's outstretched hand and notices someone she does know. "That's Sam. Sam… Chester. He is in my class." She smiles at her Mom, hopeful. "See, he doesn't wanna go too."
"Doesn't want to go either." Her mother corrects her gently, then gives her a weird look. That's a look Jo's Dad likes to pull, and he is all funny and tricky, but Mom is not like that. Jo doesn't know why Mom tries to be like her father, but she doesn't want her to do that. Then who's gonna yell at Dad when he is bad or stupid? "I think he is scared."
"Scared?" Jo turns back to the window. Sam's eyes are wide and he is trying to pull his hand out of the cute boy's grip, digging his heels in. Maybe he wants to run away.
"Are you scared too?" Mom asks and Jo glares at her.
"No!"
"Good." Mom smiles and pats her on the shoulder. "Do you think you can help that boy, then?"
Jo chews on her bottom lip and starts twirling one of her blond locks around her finger. She wants to help, because Mom always tells her that Dad's job is helping people who need it and she wants Dad to be proud of her. And if she goes over, she can talk to the cute boy too. Then she can find him at recess and they can play together and she can show her classmates how awesome her new friend is.
"I'll help him!" She grins at her Mom and jumps out of the car with newfound enthusiasm. Mom smiles again, blows her a kiss and starts up the car. Jo waits until she turns the corner before running to the boys, pigtails flopping back and forth. She skids to a halt right next to Sam. The cute boy gives her a curious look. Jo is not scared, she is not, but her voice is a little weak because the boy has nice, big eyes and freckles and she'd really like to know his name and tell her Mom all about him.
"Hi Sam." She says and clasps her hands together nervously, twisting from side to side.
Sam stills and shuffles closer to the other boy, shoulders hunched. "Hi Joanna."
"Don't call me that!" She wrinkles her nose. She didn't wanna tell the cute boy her embarrassing, girly name. "I'm Jo. "
"Hi Jo." Sam replies, but she can barely hear it above the chattering of everyone else around them.
"Is she your classmate?" The cute boy asks and tries to nudge Sam towards her. "She seems nice, Sammy. Why don't you go to your homeroom together?"
Jo beams hard enough her cheeks hurt. "I can sit next to you today, Sam!"
"Really?" She said it because she thought the cute boy would like that, but when she sees Sam smile for the first time since ever, she knows it was the right thing to say.
"Yes. You can be my friend." Joanna nods and sticks out a hand the way Daddy does when he makes new friends. Sam is going to be her first one here and everything seems so exciting suddenly. She wants to ask Sam things. All sorts of things, like, does he want a golden retriever or does he like goldfish better? Because that's a very important question when you want to decide how cool your friend is. Jo has been begging Mom for a puppy for a month now. Retrievers are definitely cooler than boring, gaping fish. Sam takes her hand at last, but he doesn't shake it like Dad's friends do, just keeps holding it in his surprisingly warm and nice grip.
"Come on then, you two." The cute boy says, tugs them towards the entrance and winks at Jo. Her face gets really hot after that. "I'm Dean, by the way."
"My big brother." Sam adds, looking proud, as they finally step inside the school gates and Dean lets go of his hand. Jo is very close to squealing, because now she has two brand new friends and Dean Chester is one of them and he is the greatest older boy she knows who is not her Daddy's friend. And Sam doesn't look all that scared anymore either, because of Jo. Mom is gonna be happy.
Dean nods and ruffles Sam's hair, stepping away. "See you later, guys." And for some reason, Jo and Sam keep staring after him until he disappears behind his classroom's door.
Sitting next to Sam has all sorts of advantages. First, Jo is out of Tracy Stupidson's reach so she can't pull her hair now. Second, Sam knows a lot of awesome stories about ghosts and scary buildings and Dean, and he talks a lot once Jo proves that she can be trusted. Sometimes the other kids try mocking him because he has ugly clothes, but Daddy taught Jo how to kick a boy's privates and she is good at chasing them away. She and Sam make a good team together.
On a cloudy Monday morning, he has a smudge of dirt on his cheek when they meet up at the entrance. He is real sad too and Jo knows something is wrong, because Dean gives him a full hug instead of the usual hair ruffle. They have some time before their first class starts, so she drags Sam into the girls' bathroom with herself and takes off her bandana. It's blue and she chose it because she knows Dean likes that color, and Mom put it into her hair and said she was pretty, but she doesn't have anything else to use on Sam's face and she doesn't want the other kids to joke about him being dirty.
"I shouldn't have come in here." Sam mumbles and flattens himself against the wall. He looks nervous, but that's dumb, because Johnny Delan has been scaring her classmates here just the other day and he didn't even get detention. "What are you doing?"
Jo finishes wetting her bandana and puts a hand on her hip. "I'm cleaning your face, silly!"
Sam blushes, but lets her dab and wipe at his dark red cheeks. "Dean has cleaned most of it off already, you know." He mutters and shuffles his feet. Jo narrows her eyes like she saw Mom doing when someone tries to leave before paying for their beer.
"Stop making excuses." She says, once again mimicking her Mom. "Why didn't your mommy do it?"
Sam's hazel eyes lower to the floor and he shrugs. "I don't have one."
Jo snickers and messes up Sam's hair like Dean does, because she wants to be like Mom, but she also wants to be a bit like Dean too. "What do you mean? Everyone has a mommy!"
Sam sighs and pushes off the wall, now clean enough. "Dean and I don't. She died when I was little."
"Oh." Now she feels really bad. Her Granma died too the year before and she is still sad about it and would do a lot of things to be with her again. She can't imagine what losing her Mom would be like. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Sam smiles and hugs her. "I don't have a daddy either, but I have Dean and he is much more awesome anyway."
They exit the bathroom and start walking towards their classroom. She still has her wet bandana in her hand and she doesn't know what to do with it. She hopes Mom won't be too angry when she sees how dirty Jo gotten it. "Then who packs your lunch in the morning?" Jo asks, because that's the first thing she remembers that only her Mom does.
"Dean, of course." Sam chuckles. "But we live with a family, you know. Sometimes they buy us clothes and stuff. Dean calls them fosters, but their name is Mr. and Mrs. Peters actually."
They have reached their classroom, but their teacher's not there yet, so they still have some time. Jo sits into her seat next to Sam's and leans closer to whisper into his ear. "And Mrs. Peters didn't wanna clean you?"
Sam bites his bottom lip, then glances around and whispers back. "Can you keep a secret, Jo?"
"Yes." She is good at keeping secrets. Her Mom still doesn't know that it was Dad who broke the bedside lamp, not Dad's loud friend, Daniel, who's always walking kind of funny because he likes wine.
"Don't tell anyone, but… Mr. Peters wanted to give me a bath yesterday." Sam confesses. "But I can shower alone." Jo gives him a 'well, duh' look. Only babies don't shower alone. "He really wanted to come help me, though, so I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to touch me. Then Dean stepped in and said I either shower with him or on my own and Mr. Peters should -" Sam stops and hesitates for a moment there. "- he should fuck off and leave me alone."
Jo gasps. That's a very bad word! Her Mom would scold her real bad if she heard her say it. But Dean is cool and brave that he dared do it in front of Mr. Peters. Jo wanna be tough like him. "What did Mr. Peters do?"
Sam sighs. "He got so mad. He said if Dean has such a big mouth, then he won't mind that I won't get to shower at all. Dean yelled it was fine by him as long as Mr. Peters kept his filthy hands away from me. I didn't understand, because his hands looked clean. But." Sam shrugs, sheepish. "I skipped a shower. That's why I was dirty."
Jo frowns at him for a few seconds. The whole story was so weird. Like, why would Mr. Peters get angry that Sam wanted to shower alone? He wouldn't have to help and he could do something fun instead of scrubbing Sam's dirty skin. Grown-ups are confusing, she decides. Then their teacher comes in and she promptly forgets about all of that in favour of showing that she is the smartest girl in class, not that whiny Tracy.
Next week, during recess, they sit on a bench in the schoolyard and Sam tells her they have moved to another family. The parents have three other children already, but they are all girls and Dean is the oldest out of the five of them, so Sam says he's sure they will get along just fine. Jo nods and smiles. "I'm happy for you. Mr. Peters sounded mean."
"He was." Sam admits and gives her a gap-toothed grin. He has been losing his baby teeth, just like Jo, and they are making it into a competition. The one to lose the most until Christmas gets to have a piggy-back ride on Dean. Dean isn't all that happy about the prize, but he has been laughing about their silliness, so Jo figures it's still on. "Hey, Jo, do you have any matchbox cars?"
She shakes her head, her braided hair flopping around. "I only have dolls and legos. I don't like cars that much."
Sam slumps in his seat, defeated. "I wanted to get Dean one for Christmas. I don't have any money, so I can't buy one, but I've been saving candy since summer, so I thought you could give me a car for those. I don't know what to do now."
"Dean likes cars?" Maybe she could get her Mom to buy Dean one. Jo imagines his happy face when she gives him a present, and can't help, but smile.
"Yeah." Sam smiles too. "He has a mini Chevrolet Impala. It's black and really old and he calls it Baby. I think it's from… before. Before our parents died. Like my Zach."
Jo racks her brain, but she hasn't heard of this Zach yet. She hopes he isn't trying to steal Sam, because he is Jo's best friend. "Who's Zach?"
"Oh!" Sam blushes. "I thought I showed him already." He reaches for his backpack and unzips its big pocket, then pulls out a plush puppy that's missing an ear. "I've had him as long as I can remember."
"Sweet!" Jo reaches out and pets the soft fur of the toy. "What happened to its ear?"
Sam hums. "Dean says it has been torn off when they got us out of the fire. He said he could ask our fosters to replace it, but I like him better this way. It reminds me of my old home."
Jo tries not to imagine a fire taking away her own home, her room, all her barbies, her favourite blanket. She doesn't wanna cry. She did when Sam told her the whole story for the first time, but her Mom took both her and the boys out and bought them cherry pie, so she stopped soon enough. Her Mom is at work now, though. "Do you remember it?"
"Not really. Just… feelings, I guess."
Jo nods and pets the toy again. "Mom still refuses to buy me a real puppy." She whines. "I promised I would take care of her, but she says no every single time. I hate that we don't have a big garden. I can't even ask you over to play soccer in there, it's that small."
Sam puts Zach back into his backpack and shrugs. "I can't play anyway. It would ruin my shoes sooner or later and I can't get another pair just for playing."
She is about to answer - maybe she can lend him a pair of hers - when Dean plops down on the bench next to his brother. "What is this I hear about shoes?"
"Nothing." Sam replies, way too quickly. Dean raises an eyebrow at Jo and she is already spilling the beans before she can even think about it.
"I thought we could play soccer when you guys have time, but Sam says he can't because he doesn't have a spare pair of trainers. We should check our shoe sizes, though, because I might be able to lend you one."
Sam looks mortified. He avoids Dean's gaze and fiddles with the strings of his hoodie, while Dean gives him this intense stare that Jo finds interesting. She doesn't know what she did wrong, but she doesn't have a chance to find out either, because they have to get back for class again and Sam refuses to speak about it.
One day in October, their smelly teacher, Mrs. Ratchett gives them the task to make a card for the person they love the most on Earth. They get paper in all the good colours and glitter and stamps and markers too. Mrs. Ratchett helps them cut out little hearts, gives them glue and they let loose on their own cards. Jo likes the way the glitter shines when she turns her work this way and that and she hates how her writing turned out, so she covers the i lovve you mom with glue and pours lots of glitter over it. Mrs. Ratchett tells her she has to wait until it dries, so she crosses her arms and looks around, smug. Most of her classmates are trying to scribble messages for their moms on their papers, except for one boy who is writing "Mical Jorden" on his. She doesn't know who that is, but she thinks that might be the whole name of the boy's mom. And then there is Sam, who has written I love you Dean on his light blue paper with the nicest letters Jo has ever seen. Wow, she knew Sam was smart, but she didn't know he could write like that! She could have asked him to write her message too.
"Do you need some glitter, Sam?" She asks, because that's the only thing that's missing from Sam's card.
Sam smiles and shakes his head, running a finger over the writing one last time before saying his work is finished. Jo squints at it and now she sees there are drawings along its edges. "What are these?"
"Stuff Dean and I have done." Sam replies fondly. He points at something that has fangs and a lot of fur. "We hunted werewolves -" His finger moves to a thing that has long limbs and claws. "- and wendigos -" Then he settles on a shapeless spot. "- and ghosts too. Usually, I'm the one who figures out how to kill a dangerous monster, then Dean gets what we need and we take care of it. And he always protects me. We are the best hunters, Jo."
Jo doesn't believe him. Mom and Dad told her many times that monsters aren't real, just like Santa. She had been upset about the second one, but when she spied her Dad putting the presents under their Christmas tree, she knew the other thing was true too and she had nothing to be scared of. She knows monsters live only in cartoons.
She tries convincing Sam when recess starts and they filter out into the schoolyard in their autumn jackets and beanie hats. Sam got a new pair of shoes from their fosters so that he could play soccer, but he doesn't have a hat and his coat looks really warm, as if it was made for winter, and it's a bit too big, so he still looks ridiculous. But Jo forgets to laugh because Sam keeps arguing with her and that's annoying.
"Monsters aren't real!"
"They are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"You are stupid."
"You are the stupid one. I've seen -"
"Easy, tiger." Dean comes up to them out of nowhere and grabs Sam in a headlock. They wrestle for a minute, getting dirt all over their clothes, until Sam gives up and lets Dean sprawl over him on the ground. Jo wants to play with them too, but she doesn't know if it's okay or not and now she knows she is so bad at this friend thing, because she had a fight with her best friend and she doesn't know if -
"Hey, Jo-Jo, what's with the long face?" Dean pokes her arm, getting to his feet. She shakes her head and tries not to let her eyes fill with tears. She messed up so bad. Sam must hate her now that she shouted at him and called him stupid.
"Jo?" Sam stands up too. "I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?"
She looks up. He is concerned and perhaps a little bit afraid too, but not angry. Jo lets out a breath and smiles in relief. "Of course not. You are my best friend."
Sam gives her a smile back, the one with those dimples in his cheeks, the best smile in the world after Dean's, then turns to his brother. "I told her that monsters are real, Dee."
"Oh, here we go." Dean rolls his eyes, but his voice is fond. "It's true, Jo."
Now she is just confused. Who is the one telling the truth? Mom and Dad are tricking her? Or is this maybe a game? "I don't understand."
Sam nods and purses his lips in thought, then his face lights up and he tugs on the zipper of his brother's coat. "Show her, Dean, let's show her."
It's weird, but Dean swallows and turns a bit whiter. Is this a secret they aren't supposed to tell? Jo is getting more and more curious by the minute, so she starts pleading along with Sam's demands. "Please, Dean, I feel so left out. I don't know anything."
Dean sighs, then pulls them behind the main building to hide from their hawklike teachers. He starts unzipping his coat and Jo is close to jumping up and down in excitement. What is he hiding? Is Dean an angel with beautiful white wings? Can he fly? She hopes so. It would be the best thing ever.
"Hold these for me." Dean huffs in the cold and drops his hoodie and his coat in Sam's arms. Jo can't see wings, but they could be invisible until you touch them, or just foldable. "Alright. Here is the proof, Jo."
It takes her a second to see through her disappointment about the lack of wings to realise what Dean is talking about. He has turned his back on her and it's now bare to the waist. He took off his shirt too, then. There are bruises and strange red lines over his skin and there are some scars that look white and old.
"The bruises are from the wendigo we tracked down last weekend. Red marks got there from a ghost, yesterday." Dean recites. His voice sounds funny, like when he is telling a fairy tale, but Jo doesn't know what that means.
Sam nods solemnly, shifts Dean's clothes to one of his arms, then reaches out and runs a fingertip over one of those white ones. "And this was a demon. One of the worst things you can find. The one that took our Mom and Dad from us." He whispers and hands Dean his clothes back.
They are silent for a moment. Jo is reeling from the discovery and her head is spinning from all this new knowledge. Sam and Dean are hunting monsters. Monsters are real. They are real and hungry, and looking for prey and she… she…
"You are safe, though!" Sam tells her and puts a hand on her shoulder. "See, I don't have any marks, because Dean is watching out for me." He tugs his clothes up a little to show his smooth lower back. "And now you have me and Dean and your parents watching out for you, so you have nothing to worry about."
"Best guards ever." Dean adds with a grin and squeezes Sam close.
She thinks about that, then she has an idea. If she learns how to fight and stand up against these creatures, learns all their weaknesses, then she can defeat them and keep herself safe. And can keep helping other people, like her Dad, just a little differently. She can become a hunter. That thought helps and gives her a sense of determination she hasn't known before. She thinks about Sam's spotless skin and Dean's strong arms and her brave, brave parents and smiles. Monsters are real, but she has the best friends and family to fight them with.