Here we go. This is the last chapter, guys!
"With our fingers,
we caress
the present;
we cut it
according to our magnitude;
we guide
the unfolding of its blossoms.
It is living,
alive-
it contains
nothing
from the unrepairable past,
from the lost past,
it is our
infant,
growing at
this very moment, adorned with
sand, eating from
our hands.
Grab it.
Don't let it slip away.
Don't lose it in dreams
or words."
- Pablo Neruda, Ode to the present
The next mile marker sign passes them in a green burst of colour, the railing and the trees whooshing past in its wake. The world rolls away under Baby's wheels, the road a giant conveyor belt on its rough surface. Inside the car, everything is still and calm. No radio for now. Dean has been humming to himself for the last thirty minutes, but he has run out of catchy tunes and listening to the silence seems to lull his frantically racing heart. He is in a weird mood today. Big plans ahead - they kinda mess with his thought process. Another milestone dashes closer, then away, a creek on its trail. Dean feels stationary, sharing a tiny immobile space with Sam and this tranquil quiet. Which inertia system is the one that's moving, them or the universe? Which one is static? It all depends on the reference point.
He sighs and reaches into his pocket to rub his thumb over the band of titanium he's hiding in there. The metal is smooth under the pad of his finger, cold and grounding. The ring's arc is familiar, an old comfort after two years' worth of trips in and out of Dean's underwear drawer. Yeah, this isn't going to be his first try, so what? He has a dignity to uphold, damnit, he can't just do it when Sam might take it as a joke. It has to be… well, not movie perfect, but good enough for them, which may not be that high a standard but it's a standard nonetheless. He can do this only once, so he's gotta make it count. It's not an engagement ring. Hell no. He's not going to get on one knee like some sap, drowning in rose petals and fake sentiments. But it's a gift that means a lot. A tangible promise.
The first time the idea occurred to him, he had just realised Sam didn't feel like he had a family anymore. He lay there in that stuffy motel bed, weaving a thread around Sam's finger and let his mind spin circles over the issue. Sam always wanted to hold onto this connection between them, something no one else shares and no one can take away. His immediate answers about the possibility of a name change reminded Dean of that one fight they had during their first real vacation, how devastated Sam was when he questioned their relationship, how much blood meant to him ever since they were little. He thought about Sam's jealous streak and his only serious insecurity - that he's not good enough, that Dean is going to leave him. Lost in thought, Dean toyed with that string of fabric around Sam's knuckle and then bam, he just knew. Sam needed something to make their connection special in a seemingly unbreakable way, to make up for the loss of not being brothers. It sounded only fair - Dean had his amulet, Sam should have had something of his own.
That was two and a half years ago and the ring is still taking its monthly commute into Dean's pocket and then back to its inconspicuous black box. The closest Dean ever got to coming clean about it was the day he bought it, four months after Kansas, when things were starting to get a little less painful and hard. But he wimped out at the last moment and that's kinda the story of his life since. Sam is none the wiser - he has been writing all instances of odd behavior off as effects related to Dean's pills. Dean's not taking them anymore, though, got the all-clear in January, so it's going to be inevitable to confess soon enough.
It might be the shape that makes this difficult, he reckons. He should have gotten something else - a ring holds too much significance, too many chances for Sam to take it the wrong way. Like, he might think Dean is popping the question. Nope. No question here, it's just a gift. They couldn't get married anyway, so what would be the point? Their relationship is just as illegitimate as it was before. The law applies to adopted siblings too.
This is why it's so puzzling that Dean's stomach is in knots about today. He is reasonably sure that Sam is going to appreciate it, even this long after Kansas. And it's a practical idea too, it will be easy to sell the lie that they have the same surnames because they are married. Still, Dean is all jittery in his seat, speeding down the highway through the beautiful wilderness of Wyoming.
"The things I do for you." He shakes his head and sends a fond smile Sam's way. It goes unseen, of course - Sam nodded off while they were driving through Idaho Falls and he hasn't yet rejoined the living.
It's freaking awesome that Dean can drive freely again. For a while, it was all "only for short distances, okay?" and "I'll come with", then the lower his doses got, the calmer Sam became, and now he's relaxed enough to doze off and drool over the upholstery, contorted into a ball of cat-like flexibility. He has his mouth open and breathes soft little puffs through the gap between his teeth. Dean can just see the pink inside of his lower lip - it's such an enticing distraction that he is tempted to pull over and taste it. He's restraining himself, though, because it's only five miles to the viewpoint he wants Sam to see and he really needs to get there soon or he's going to combust.
"You're sleeping through all the fun, buddy." He massages Sam's knee, then whistles the intro of Smoke on the water while the Impala is taking a turn. "Wakey-wakey."
Sam doesn't stir. His lips fall agape even wider, head lolling with the car's motion. Dean has the childish urge to stick something inside that mouth and see the spluttering reaction it would get. Grinning, he stretches out his right hand.
The tip of his index finger is just barely touching Sam's skin when Sam's head snaps forward and his teeth nip Dean's knuckle, leaving faint indents as they scrape over his flesh.
"Ouch!" Dean exclaims, curling his poor hand into his side.
Sam's bubbling laughter sounds way too alert for someone who was supposed to be sleeping just a few seconds ago. "I knew you'd fall for it." He giggles, straightening up, and opens his sunflower eyes to shoot waves of mischief in Dean's direction.
Dean scowls. "Is that the treatment I get for planning this amazing road trip?"
Sam performs an intricate stretching routine, yawning. "You mean, for asking me to spend my spring break in your car? Yeah, that's what you get."
"You wound me." Dean eases his foot up from the accelerator and smirks. "But you can always -"
"-kiss it better?" Sam finishes for him. "Only if you're good."
Chuckling, Dean pulls over and parks in the dirt parking lot a bunch of the nearby hiking trails lead to.
It's incredible how little the place changed since the last time Dean came here. He was twenty-one back then, heartbroken and on the cusp of a decision he was too afraid to make, at the time when he attempted to destroy his attraction for his little brother by keeping his distance. Fact is, he wanted to go home. It was the summer after Sam's seventeenth birthday, the end of an entire year spent apart. Dean's love was still a burning, uncontrollable thing that consumed him inside, but he was too tired and parched by its heat to keep going any longer. He kept thinking, one more day and you'll stop wanting, one more week and the desire will leave. He was dragging himself through the motions, but the homesickness didn't seem to get better.
It was one of the local chicks he flirted with who waxed poetic about the sight and tried to convince him to stop by on his way out of town. Those days, Sam had a habit of leaving idle little voicemails, never outright asking, but always hoping Dean would come home. Dean was listening to one of those when he reached this parking lot and the pressure in his chest grew so dreadful that he did stop after all. He has never regretted it since.
"Dean, where are we going?" Sam asks as he follows Dean through a narrow path in the shrubbery, eyeing the thick forest around them with a dubious tilt of his head. The view isn't visible yet - it takes a short walk uphill to reach the clearing where you can get a good look at the whole valley and the snow-capped cliffs ahead. "We're not packed for hiking. If you get us lost -"
Dean laughs and turns around, walking backwards with his arms spread. The chilly spring air fills him with unexpected vitality, turns his jitters into excitement. "Where's your sense of adventure, Sasquatch?"
Sam grumbles something, but the corners of his mouth twitch into a tentative smile. As he ambles after Dean, every now and then his head is lit up by a ray of golden light that has broken through the overhanging branches. The sunshine bounces off his too-long hair, the curling, messy tips of it, makes those brown locks look glossy and soft. Dean absolutely does not want to twist them between his fingers. Not at all.
Okay, maybe a little bit.
The top of the hill is close now with its dark wooden picnic tables and drooping, lonely pines. Exhilaration pumps like wildfire through Dean's veins. He puts a hand on Sam's elbow and raises his eyebrows, hears the answering groan even before he exclaims and takes off. "Race ya!"
He runs as though his life depended on it, because Sam is fast and can be one dirty player if he wants to, using those strong arms and long legs to gain unfair advantage. The chase makes Dean breathless and flushed, he can feel the burn on his cheeks. He crows in triumph as he crosses the imaginary finish line and grins when Sam finally catches up and shoves at him. They tumble to the first table together and Sam hops up on it, his legs dangling.
The view is breathtaking. Dense forest as far as one can see, spruces and firs, a clear lake down in the valley, not a man in sight. There's a snowy mountaintop in the distance, its whiteness eye-watering as the midday sunshine reflects off the frozen surface. The eerie quiet is broken only by the faint sounds of birdsong drifting over from the trees. The smell of pine needles and resin is thick in the air, carried by the breeze that sifts through Sam's hair and sends a shudder down Dean's spine. Tipping his face up to soak in some warmth, Dean lets his eyes slip close for a second.
"God, this is the place, Sammy. Can you believe it? I thought I'd never come back." He says, because he is an idiot and his mouth just can't stop running when he's nervous. Sometimes, he thinks he was born with a dysfunctional filter that makes it pretty darn obvious to anyone who's close to him what kind of mood he's in.
Predictably, Sam perks up like a hound on the scent. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Dean cringes, rubbing his nape. "Remember that road trip I went on seven years ago?"
"As if I could forget." Sam rolls his eyes. "Wouldn't call it a road trip, though. You ran away."
Dean casts his eyes down, ignoring the little jab Sam never fails to make whenever this topic comes up. "This is where I decided I'd go back home." Where I gave in.
"Huh."
"Yeah." Dean's hand migrates into his pocket, tracing metal and a promise engraved in titanium. He saunters closer to stand between Sam's legs and runs his free hand over the outside of his denim-clad thigh, feels the muscles flex as Sam scoots closer. "Time flies, huh?"
Braving a flickering glance at Sam's face, he clears his throat. "So… what do you think? Do you like the view?"
Sam's feet bump into Dean's calves, an idle tap as Sam swings them back and forth. "It's beautiful."
"You see those trees over there?" Dean inclines his head at a pair of young oaks, their trunks wound so tight around each other they are completely intertwined. They are standing on their own at the edge of an endless evergreen forest, out of place but thriving against all odds. The first time he saw their unique shape, Dean wondered about them for a long time. How did they get there, how did they even survive? If they ever cut one off the other, would those strong, tenacious trees live through the separation? "They remind me of -"
"- us." Sam finishes with him, understanding.
Dean won't have to spell it out for him that this place means something significant because this is where he made the decision to let it happen if it was still meant to be. He won't have to explain it further. Having someone who gets him without the need for words is something Dean never wants to lose. He won't run away again, not ever. And Sam deserves to have a testament of that, deserves to know how deep Dean's feelings run. That's exactly why Dean has to go through with it right here, right now.
He clenches his fist around the ring and opens his mouth, but Sam chooses that moment to grab his wrist and rub a bare strip of it, asking cautiously. "What are you up to, hm?"
And just like that, Dean's courage jumps ship and leaves him with only one deflecting technique at hand. Its success rate isn't too good, but what else is there to try? He waggles his eyebrows and hooks a finger into one of Sam's belt loops, tugs playfully, message clear.
Sam looks unimpressed. "Let's not."
"C'mon. Outdoor sex, Sammy."
Sam flicks an ant off the wood beside his hip. "I don't see the appeal."
"I can show you." Dean leers and presses a lecherous kiss to Sam's lips. They part indulgently under his attack, but don't let him make it fiery, they pull away too soon.
"Alright." Sam crosses his arms. "Fess up."
There's no way out of this now, is there? "I have a gift for you."
"Is it something I have to wear?" Sam makes a face, referring to Dean's earlier suggestions of roleplaying, but it melts off quickly when all Dean does is fidgeting in place. "That wasn't a tricky question."
Dean pulls his phone out of his other pocket, gearing up. "You don't have to accept it."
"You're freaking me out here. Why wouldn't I?"
Dean's skin heats up. "Read this." He says and thrusts the device into Sam's grip.
It's an email from SFSU's Engineering Department. They accepted his transfer from the community college Dean is going to finish in a few months. Unbelievable - how did he even get here? Where did he get the idea? He wouldn't have made it this far without Sam's support, that's for sure, but will that be enough for two more years? He'll be the oldest fucking BSc student, he has no doubt about that. Maybe he shouldn't do it after all, it'll be too weird.
Sam skims the message, brows furrowed, then he gasps. "You got in." He states as though he doesn't believe his eyes, lips quirking up. "Dean, you did it!"
"Yeah." Dean licks his lips. It's embarrassing how relieved he is that Sam is so overjoyed about it. It's not going to be easy to stick it out until he gets that degree, after all. "Your gift is sort of related to this."
"Okay."
"With you starting your masters and this… we are going to meet so many new people that we should think of a cover story." Better go with the easier explanation first. Everything else - it's engraved right into the silvery metal he's holding in a death grip. If he reads those words, Sam will know. "So I thought we could pretend we eloped and you took my name."
"Fake marriage?" Sam asks, tone teasing. "Does that mean you are fake proposing right now?"
Dean grins so wide it hurts and watches its reflection in Sam's bright smile, throat closed and heart wide open. His fingers, trembling but sure, place the ring in Sam's hand. "Yes."
Notes:
This is it. I hope you guys liked the journey!
I've never posted anything before I came into this fandom, but I'm so glad I decided to start. A big thank you to everyone who left reviews or any kind of feedback, especially Michele and ThornsHaveRoses. This support and encouragement meant a lot. When I began this story, I didn't imagine I would delve this deep into the PTSD-self-harm-abuse triangle (and write 100k words!) but spurred on by the reception and my own feelings about it, I let the original idea develop into this massive thing that explores issues I'm closely acquainted with. I guess I can say it was a therapeutic experience. :)
I have a bunch of drafts for new stories that I can start now, which I'm very excited about. It is a distinct possibility that I'll write a sequel for Paper birds too, I have a few things in mind I could unravel, but that's not my main focus at the moment.
Anyway, thank you all! I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts and suggestions about this story. Did you have a favourite part? Mine was the reveal in Chapter 14. :)