Clarke was fuming. Her body was humming beneath her skin with hot red rage. Rage that was boiling up ready to be directed straight at Lexa for having kept everything a secret for so long.
She clenches her hands as she walks with Lexa close on her heels quickly back into the city and back to the tower that Clarke was beginning to hate so much. Clarke looks up at the tall central structure of Polis and now she really does see it as a prison. That's all it's been for the last few months, right. A little place of make believe she called home while Lexa used it as a holding cell to keep her in. Just looking at it pissed Clarke off some more.
The Sky Princess stiffly entered the tower with Lexa, who doesn't question where Clarke is leading her. The couple pass Octavia and Indra just inside the building. The young warrior timidly greeted Clarke and the commander with nothing but a guilty look of apology. She received a scathing glare from her friend in return. Clarke isn't stupid. She knew Octavia knew about this all along. And it hurts almost as much as Lexa's secrecy did. She thought they were close, family almost. Knowing that one of her closest friends had helped her girlfriend lie to her like this just fuels the fire of rage inside the blonde.
Clarke walked silently on, ignoring the two warriors. She made sure to keep her distance from Lexa in the elevator ride up to the top level of the tower, where the two of them walked together to the throne room. Clarke was too angry to talk, too angry to be too close to the woman behind her anger. Too angry to do anything but growl internally at her girlfriend for this betrayal.
Lexa remained silent. She could tell Clarke was upset by the news of war, and really she didn't expect less from her princess. To know their whole world had been a big show of pretend for the last four months would anger anyone. Though everything in her screams to go to her hurting love, to hold and reassure her, comfort her any way she can, Lexa holds off. She knows Clarke. She knows how much it hurts being on the receiving end of the Sky Princess' anger when she'd felt betrayed. She remembers well. Lexa knows not to prod the beast.
So she obediently followed Clarke through the city and up the tower. All the way to her throne room where the cracks in Clarke's calm expression start to appear when she kicks open the doors to the room and impatiently barks a dismissal at Lexa's guards, who scurry out of the room seeing the thunder on Clarke's face. They don't even stay long enough to make sure Lexa wishes them gone too. They're much too afraid of Wanheda and what she might do if they test her patience. Lexa doesn't care. She would have yelled at them to go had they disobeyed the Sky princess. She would prefer to have it out with the blonde privately.
Clarke strides still fuming through the cold and dimly lit room towards Lexa's throne. She cast the seat a longing look when her feet ached beneath her, but she ignores it to spin around to shoot the commander a long glare.
Lexa looked away. She can't stand that look from Clarke.
"Tell me everything" Clarke slowly growled at her.
Lexa let out a long breath. In her chest her heart was pounding sickeningly. She's dreaded this moment for so long.
"Some of the clans have become... restless" she began slowly, raising her eyes back to Clarke to check her reaction. When Clarke gives none, Lexa continues, "It started last fall. With just a raid here and there. Nothing too concerning, easily dealt with. But now... Now we have confirmed reports of an army moving"
Clarke takes in this information calmly. She nods and crosses her arms. Lexa keeps from smiling. In the moment Clarke looks eleven years younger about to charge on the Maunon again. It sort of takes Lexa's breath away.
"Which clans?" The blonde asks, mind already whizzing with her own theories and solutions.
"Blue cliff, the Horse clans to the east and.." Lexa hesitates. She knows this next piece of news will really upset Clarke.
The blonde senses Lexa holding back and scowls at her to tell her. Lexa sighs with defeat.
"Delphikru is our main concern. They are the army moving this way"
Clarke stared back at the other woman for a long moment and then she laughs in disbelief. She shakes her head at Lexa.
"Ryon wouldn't do that" She defends her old war friend quickly, growing angry again when Lexa looks at her sympathetically, "He wouldn't! I know him! We fought together at the borderlands! I delivered his first child. He-"
"Is dead, Clarke" Lexa mumbled sadly watching the utter shock ripple over Clarke's features. She had felt the same when she'd first heard of Ryon's end. He had been a good friend to them both.
The commander came quickly to Clarke's side when the blonde raggedly gasped and clutched at her chest. Lexa reached out needing to offer comfort of some sort to her blonde, and touched Clarke's sleeve. She jumped a little in surprise when Clarke ripped her hand away.
Clarke breathes deeply before meeting Lexa's eyes with a hard expression, "How?" She demands.
Lexa fights a wince hearing the raw pain in her girlfriend's voice. She doesn't want to give details. She knows it will only add more to Clarke's grief. But she cannot withhold the truth from her anymore. Clarke deserved to know.
"His father died last winter. News of which was not sent to us like it should have been" Lexa's jaw flexed in irritation before she continued, "Ryon was murdered two weeks after taking up the role of chief in his father's place. His kin too. Around the same time Tex was summoned back to the Yellow Shores. Nobody has come forward to take his place in Polis as Delphikru's ambassador. I can only assume he too is dead"
Lexa straightens her stance then, holding herself tall like she's in a meeting with her clans and flame keepers. Its easier for her to speak when she enters the mind of heda. It gives her little room to let her insane worries regarding Clarke stop her from divulging the truth.
With a heavy breath she calmly tells Clarke, "We believe it was a coup. Delphikru now have a new leader. A man named Sev. One who does not believe in jus nou drein jus daun. One who wants me dead"
Clarke is silent. She's trying to process it all. Her friend's death and the new threat on Lexa's life. It doesn't make much sense. Lexa had changed the old law over a decade ago. It'd been tough but their world had accepted it with time. Things were so much more peaceful now because of it. So why wait so long to defy the commander's rule?
"How close is the army from the city?" She asks falling easily into commander mode too. Lexa both admires and hates it.
""Last scout reports said a week. Maybe two if they're rallying warriors. But the southern perimeter was breached earlier today. The guards arrested what looked like Delphi scouts testing our defences. I have yet to speak with them" She softens a little when Clarke's brow dips into a questioning frown, "I was preoccupied with a certain runaway" She says softly, answering Clarke's unspoken question, hoping that Clarke would at least look at her. She doesn't.
Lexa watches Clarke's eyes blur in and out of focus as she thinks. It's so hard for her to stand there while the blonde digests what's going on. Because Lexa can see the stress already in Clarke. Already her shoulders are tensed with the burden, already her eyes have lost life, already the exhaustion of war has crept back up on her. Lexa has never been able to cope well seeing Clarke in such a state. But now it's worse, because now it's not just Clarke who carries the weight of their troubles. Lexa's eyes flick down to Clarke's bump and she feels her heart beating scared and nervous for their child.
Meanwhile Clarke is struggling to keep calm. The fear she'd felt earlier when Lexa had announced the approach of war is quickly settling back in. Its twists her gut and sends cold flushes across her skin. She feels so dizzy. But she's trying to stay in control of her emotions because she doesn't want Lexa to think she can't handle it. She has to prove she can but its so hard. Where once there was one life to worry for, there's now three. Clarke doesn't care much for herself but for Lexa and their child she is terrified. How is she supposed to fight now she's pregnant? How is she supposed to have Lexa's back?
Clarke feels useless and weak all of a sudden. And angry. So angry. She would have never allowed herself to fall pregnant had they known what was really happening around them. It makes her even more mad at Lexa for being so damn selfish.
Its not fair, She thinks wanting to rage and scream. Its not fair.
Lexa looks back to Clarke's face when her breathing becomes louder with her inability to stay calm. She's shaking angrily. She's furious Lexa would have kept this from her for so long. And Lexa knows that. The commander shakes her head when the guilt becomes too much and slowly she approaches the grieving woman.
"Clarke-"
Clarke turns on her furiously, "Why?!" She asks and then she's yelling uncontrollably at her girlfriend, "Why did you do it, Lexa?! Why couldn't you just trust me enough to tell me?!"
Lexa holds Clarke's glaring eyes steady with her own and stretches her hand out to touch Clarke's cheek. She doesn't miss the way Clarke tries to avoid it. Like she doesn't want to be touched by her. It hurts Lexa deeply.
"Clarke, I-.. You weren't in any condition to bear the news. You're still no-"
Lexa's face snaps unexpectedly to the side under the harsh pressure of Clarke's hand colliding painfully with her right cheek. She even stumbles a little. The commander's jaw clenches against the burning ache spreading across her skin. She touches her fingers to the smarting area and looks back to Clarke who is glaring murder at her. Lexa actually smiles at her princess. It's the first time Clarke had ever struck her outside of training. She's impressed the same time she's heartbroken.
"I deserved that" she admits, lowering her hand.
Clarke sees her dark handprint fading along Lexa's cheek. She knows she should be surprised at herself. But she really couldn't care less right now.
"Oh you deserve much more than that, Lexa!" Clarke spits harshly at her, "I decide whether or not I can handle something. Pregnant or not. It's my life. My choice. How dare you take that from me?!"
Lexa glanced away unable to have Clarke's usual loving blue eyes hold onto her with so much betrayed hate. She wants to apologise. She wants to beg for Clarke to understand her. She'd grovel on her knees if she had to. She can't stand having Clarke angry at her.
"Hodnes-" Clarke halts her with a sharp flick of her hand.
"Don't" the blonde warns with that eyeing look that says she wants to hit Lexa again.
Lexa remains silent then, and timidly watches Clarke watching her. She's completely scared for where the blonde's mind is at right now. And worse, what its doing to their baby. She just hopes he's okay.
Clarke finally speaks after what feels like hours to the commander. Stiffly the blonde raises her chin and sets her jaw. She's still angry. Lexa doesn't blame her.
"What have you done about it?" She asks watching Lexa closely with unintended suspicion. To her surprise Lexa isn't offended. She's relatively calm.
"I've maintained our alliances with the other clans the best I can. And I've sent help where it's been needed. As for everything else.." Lexa bites her lip, "There hasn't been a lot I have been able to do without calling on the armies of the Krus and..."
"Have me notice" Clarke finished for her bitterly. Lexa nodded.
"Shameful to my duty as commander.." Lexa exhaled heavily and hung her head, "I put you ahead of my people this time, Clarke. I listened only to my heart"
Clarke hates how proud she feels. She'd been battling for years against Lexa in this argument. To get Lexa to see that her heart could make good decisions too when used with her head. But she doesn't want to feel that way right now. Right now she feels she should be focusing on the fact her friend is dead, or that an army is marching their way, or that once again they're all just too close to dying.
"Why delphikru?" She asks Lexa in a husky thick voice.
Lexa can see the upset clear in Clarke's eyes. She starts to stride forward but stops seeing Clarke throw her a look to stay back and answer the question. The commander shakes her head.
"I don't know" she answers quietly, "They have always been a peaceful clan, loyal.."
Lexa starts to pace agitated and Clarke can tell from watching that Lexa has asked herself this question too often already. She wonders how many days, nights, weeks the mystery had held the commander's focus. She thinks it's no wonder Lexa had become distant.
"This new chief, Sev," Lexa snarls on the traitor's name, "None of the ambassadors know of him. None of my scouts within Delphikru either. It's like he came out of nowhere"
"That could mean the rest of Delphikru don't agree with him" Clarke replied logically while crossing her arms as Lexa continued to pace in front of her, "Maybe this Sev has the Pike affect"
Lexa pauses for the shortest of seconds hearing that old name. Her lips twist into another angry snarl. She remembers too well that certain Sky fool and his delusional rule over Clarke's people. Pike had been the stake between her and Clarke, the bullet in the gun. It still makes Lexa cringe to think what might have happened to Clarke had she left when she had intended instead of falling into bed with her. Pike had been insane and careless. No doubt he would have sent Clarke back to Lexa in pieces.
Lexa will never regret the moment she watched him drop by drop bleed for his crimes.
"Lexa?"
Lexa blinked and focused back on the blonde stood directly in front of her snapping her fingers for attention. Clarke looked both annoyed and concerned.
"Are you even listening?"
Lexa gave her an apologetic look and asked her to repeat herself. Clarke's expression twisted irritable but she obliged.
"I was asking about the scout reports. The ones you lied about when we visited my mom at the Ark"
Lexa holds Clarke's eyes carefully. She knows this is the part where she must tread oh so carefully because Clarke already looks ready to explode for being lied to. But when that lie also involved news of the lives of her people..
Lexa is ready to admit she's afraid for Clarke's reaction.
The commander swallows against how constricted her throat suddenly feels. She makes sure her voice will be steady before she attempts to explain herself.
"I was given reports of a group moving east of the Ark. I asked Kane to send his scouts"
Clarke is waiting for it. Her entire body is tensed for the expected bad news. There's nothing else it could be when Lexa is tiptoeing with her.
"And?" She prompts holding her arms tightly over her chest so Lexa won't see her hands shaking.
Lexa lets out a breath. She stares at the floor sombrely, "Kane's people never came back" she finally answers daring a look up at her shocked blonde. Lexa looks away again unable to handle the new pain in Clarke's eyes.
"Dead?" Clarke whispers closing her eyes in wait for the dreading confirmation.
Lexa nods, "Im sorry, Clarke"
Clarke swallows and lets out a staggered breath. She's fighting her tears. This news hurt worse than Ryon's death somehow. Maybe because those people hadn't just been her friends. They'd been her people, her kru. Her blood and her responsibility. Her family. A deep pain settles in her chest when she unintentionally starts guessing which ones had died. Their faces in her mind hurt to see.
"There's more" Lexa added taking slow steps towards the shaking blonde.
Clarke opens her eyes and looks back at her approaching girlfriend. Her watery blue eyes are begging with Lexa. She honestly can't take anymore bad news right now. She's already in enough pain. But handling it has always been her job. So she makes herself stand tall, taking a steadying breath to ready herself. She lets Lexa move to stand directly in front of her, just in case she needs the sudden support. Lexa looks down on her with worry but one fierce look from Clarke has her convinced they can take it.
"There are rumours circulating.. of a.. a Natblida leading a second army this way"
Clarke frowns so hard that Lexa wishes she could reach out and smooth her fingers across the deep lines on her brow.
"A Nightblood? Who-"
Clarke's face completely relaxes when it suddenly hits her, and Lexa's hands immediately fly worried to the blonde's wrists.
Clarke pulls herself free. She looks up at Lexa's tired green eyes. She doesn't need to be told to know her suspicions are true. She growls beneath her breath.
"I told you we should have killed her in Syra!" Clarke seethed angrily, "Joken strik skrish!"
She was the one to pace this time, with angry stomps up and down past Lexa's throne while muttering under her breath. It still wasn't enough to rid her memory of the Nightblood's bloody smug smile as she'd fled the battlefield with the commander's mercy.
Lexa watched the blonde amused by her cussing.
"I should have killed her the second that spear hit Nia" she refuted and stepped out in front of her blonde to stop her. She put a calming palm on Clarke's back and tipped her chin up when Clarke didn't push her away, "But I didn't because I knew better. That's why I did nothing in Syra too. Why I stopped you from going after her. Ontari was being controlled both times before. Which makes it possible that she is also being controlled now. If it is even her"
Clarke was shaking her head, "How can you be so certain? She wanted your throne, Lexa! She still does!"
Lexa gave her lover a short smirk, "Then she is more than welcome to come fight me for it" she softly kissed Clarke's temple while the blonde rolled her eyes at her.
"And you've spoken to Roan?"
"Yes. He assured me his help in this matter and even offered to track down Ontari himself"
Clarke looked surprised. Roan was seldom helpful and even more rarely generous. She was immediately suspicious.
"And you accepted that?" She asks Lexa, knowing personally how Lexa regarded Roan's tracking skills.
Lexa shook her head, "No. Azgeda needs their king"
Clarke nods. She understands. She's relieved even. She knows there are plenty in the Ice Nation that would gladly turn against Lexa too in the absence of their king. Lexa was right to refuse Roan. Despite it meaning they'd lost their chance to know for certain if Ontari was involved.
Lexa felt the blonde relax a little against her. She sighed softly into Clarke's skin and bent her head to rest against the blonde's. She felt weighted still, but lighter too somehow. The guilt of lying to Clarke for so long was fading from her heart. Freeing her. Leaving her only with the shame. Something that she carried easier than she had the constant secrecy.
Lexa's hand curved Clarke's side, intent on holding her Sky princess to her, but Clarke pulled it away.
"I'm still pissed at you" she mumbled moving herself from Lexa's reach.
The older woman sighed watching the distance return between them, "Clarke-"
"How could you keep something like this from me?"
Clarke didn't sound angry at Lexa this time. Just disappointed. And that hurt Lexa much more than Clarke's fury ever could.
She turned to her lover and looked down on her with a pleading expression. She didn't want them to fight. She just wanted to explain. She wanted Clarke to understand, to accept the reasons she had done what she did. Lexa knew she had been wrong to keep her in the dark but she believed her reasons were well justified. Surely the blonde would see it that way too?
"I.." she paused a moment and then walked to kneel at Clarke's feet.
Her eyes stayed on Clarke's confused ones while her hands came up beneath Clarke's shirt to rest on the sky girl's stomach. Lexa looked down with a small smile when her child bumped her palm beneath Clarke's skin. She rubbed her thumbs in circles, following the small movements of the baby. It relieved her to know that at least he still wanted her. Even if his mother may not.
"This, Clarke" she husked pressing a kiss to their bump, "I wanted to tell you. I promise you I did. Managing it all without you there by my side has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. There were so many times that I nearly told you. But I worried what the stress would do to the baby. Your mother even-"
"My mom knew you were lying to me about this?!" Clarke cried out and then she followed with a growl, "Of course she knew"
Lexa ruefully smiled at her, "She wants what's best for you, hodnes. We all do" Lexa looked down to her fingers tracing their baby bump, "I didn't know the threat was serious. For a time it wasn't. I believed I could keep you happy if you were unaware. Just until I handled it. I was trying to keep you safe. Both of you"
"So you got everybody else to go along with you? To lie to my face?"
Clarke watches Lexa purse her lips. She knows she's in the wrong. She looks ashamed with herself. Clarke can tell she regrets what she did. And she knows Lexa did everything with the best intention. Maybe she overreacted, but it was for the sake of their child. How can she possibly hate Lexa for that? She doesn't.
But Clarke is still angry. She still feels so betrayed. By Lexa, by her mother. Not to mention all her friends who had gone along with Lexa's big idea. She feels so stupid. How did she not see any of it?
Clarke's mind reels back over the last few months and she wants to laugh bitterly when she realises all the tells were there. Every time Lexa persuaded her away from going outside, every distraction Octavia provided, every single vigilant eye of the guards watching her as she passed their posts... It was all so obvious but she'd been so wrapped up in her happiness to notice, not enough to question it anyway. Clarke should have confronted Lexa a long time ago but she was so eager to live life that she never realised it wasn't life at all. Just surviving again. Its enough to make her tear up. She curses her goddamn pregnancy hormones when it all starts to overwhelm her and make her cry.
Lexa looks up at her girlfriend. When she sees the tears slipping down Clarke's face Lexa rises to her feet again and cups a palm to Clarke's face.
"Clarke, I'm sorry. Truly" she gazes gently down at her lover, lovingly trying to appeal to her while she brushes the tears aside, "I know what I did was wrong but you must believe it was done through fear of losing one or both of you to the stress all of this would have brought on. I realise now how stupid a decision it was. Especially now that everything has carried beyond my control... I-...I was scared. So scared... and-... Please, Clarke, understand that it wasn't any slight against your intelligence or your standing as my partner, hodnes. You must believe that"
Clarke's watery blue eyes look deep into Lexa's green ones. She stares at the commander for the longest time until finally she breathes calmly and tips her head into Lexa's palm touching her cheek. Lexa tastes hope seeing Clarke nod in her hold.
She smiles tearfully at her blonde and presses firmly on Clarke's cheek with her palm, "Yu gafen ste ma gafen, Clarke. They always have been. Now his are too"
Clarke feels Lexa's other hand pressing on their bump. Their baby kicks beneath it's mother's palm as if to accept her vow like Clarke had so many years ago. The blonde closes her eyes. For a moment she sees Lexa on her knees before her declaring her protection and fealty. For a moment her heart races with the same pride and pain she'd felt that day. For a moment she remembers Lexa's honest eyes promising her everything, for her and her people. Lexa had vowed to do anything and everything to ensure Clarke's safety that day. And now years later she still held her vow. Clarke and her people. Clarke and their baby.
"I understand" Clarke whispers huskily and takes hold of Lexa's hand. She kisses the commander's knuckles and gives her a gentle smile that Lexa returns whole heartedly until Clarke firmly adds, "But you're still sleeping on the couch tonight"
Clarke leaves the throne room after that in a brisk manner that warns Lexa against following her. She has work to do and having Lexa hanging around her will only slow her down. Right now she needs to be alone to fix everything.
Lexa is left in the darkening room to stand there by her empty throne staring dumbly at the space Clarke has just vacated. She's not entirely certain what just happened. Did Clarke forgive her or was the banishment from their bed a new form of punishment? Lexa supposes she will find out for sure later.
A roll of thunder crackling past the balcony outside makes the commander look up again and Lexa smiles thinking it's coincidental presence with Clarke's anger is amusing. She watches the rain begin in a hard sheet past her throne. There's a smell of lightening in the air; a promise of trouble coming.
Lexa strides to her throne and collapses into it. She's exhausted. Lexa runs a hand down her face while thoughts of her princess worry her mind. She's scared for Clarke's intentions right now. She knows the younger girl is probably already awash with ideas to fix this situation she's been finally enlightened to. Lexa knows she will have to stop Clarke going too far, but she's afraid to incase Clarke will see it as yet another breach of her freedom.
Lexa huffs feeling frustrated. She loves their baby but she knows all of this would be extremely easier if Clarke wasn't so pregnant. Lexa is already dreading the coming war and clan meetings. Clarke is rightly angry and upset but completely hormonal too. Wanheda would definitely rear her vicious head the moment anybody spoke up against her.
The room ahead of Lexa lights up with the lightening fork tearing across the sky behind her. The next roll of thunder that follows seconds behind is so loud it shakes the tower.
The commander of clans sighs tiredly to herself.
"Here comes the storm"