Vampire Chronics: CH 4

A loud screeching noise came from the door. It creaked open as a man came through.

It wasn't Tex Madden.

It wasn't Elsie...

It was the pirate, Barbarossassasasa.

"G'daye me maties!" he said with a lisp.

Everyone looked at him, confused.

"What're y'all looking at?"

The pirate is slightly on the larger side; he's wearing purple and yellow polka dotted ruffled tights, leather boots, a green frilly shirt and a orange overcoat with a pink bandana and a neon green hat. The hat also has a chicken feather.

"He has no fashion sense at all!" Bertha whispered to Dwayne.

"Holy swizzle!" Wanto said, covering his eyes.

"Are y'all comfy in y'alls cells an all?" Barbarossassasasa said.

"I cannot understand the words that are coming out of your mouth!" Wanto said.

Andrew concentrated and thought, we gotta get out of here. Man kho..

"Is somebody thinking about me?" Mai kho said.

"Mai kho, tell Fabio to turn into something small."

Mai kho looked into Andrew's cell. Andrew nodded toward Fabio and then looked at San fi-chi. Mai kho looked at Fabio.. and then at San fi-chi. He thought for a moment and put two and five together.

"Right!" Mai kho said, "Hey Fabio!"

Fabio turned around and looked at Mai kho. "What?"

"Andrew wants to get us out of here," Mai kho said.

"How? The shields on the cells are stopping us, and that ugly goon is standing guard."

Mai kho turned to San fi-chi, who was in the cell on the left of his own cell. "San Fi-chi!"

"Huh?"

"We're going to escape!"

"How?"

"Andrew wants Fabio to turn into a small animal, and then you'll be able to teleport him into Foo's cell. Then Foo will blast open a small hole in her cell's shield, and Fabio will escape."

"Oh, I know what to do after that," Fabio said, and then grinned.

"Okay, let's do it!" San fi-chi said.

"Whatter y'all getting worked up for?" Barbarossassasasa said.

"Do it now!" Andrew yelled.

*Poof!* Fabio turned into a ... clam. San fi-chi blinked, and then Fabio was in Foo's cell. Foo looked at him, but did nothing. *Poof!* Fabio turned into a squirrel.

"C'mon! Use your cool powers to blow open a hole!" Fabio said.

"Talking squirrel," she said.

"What's going..." Barbarossassasasa said, looking around.

"That's it!" Andrew yelled, and looked at Foo. Andrew put his index finger on his forehead and shut his eyes. Suddenly Foo felt a force pushing into her head. Then she wasn't herself anymore. Her hands went up, and a yellow energy pulsed around them. Barbarossassasasa came over to the cell.

"What're you doing?"

*Zap!* A great blinding beam fired from Foo's hands and crashed into the force field surrounding her cell. A small hole appeared in the shield, and Foo stopped firing long enough for Fabio to leap through. Fabio had escaped!

Andrew released his mind control on Foo and she slumped to the floor. Everyone else cheered as Fabio ran straight toward the pirate.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Fabio said.

"AHHH! A RAT!" The pirate yelled.

Fabio crawled up the pirate's ruffled tights and proceeded to kick his behind. Terrified, Barbarossassasasa ripped his pants off, similar to the way male dancers rip off their velcro pants.

"My eyes!" I'm blind!" Bobert yelled after seeing the obese pirate's pasty cellulite legs. Fabio ran to Bobert's cell and taunted Barbarossassasasa by whacking his squirrel butt.

"The butt sign! How dare you!" The pirate used 'strength of 1 1/2 men' and charged Fabio, but Fabio ran out of the way.

Fabio made a sharp turn in front of San fi-chi's and Laquiefa's cell. Barbarossassasasa couldn't stop fast enough and crashed into their cell. With the 'strength of 1 1/2 men', the bars bent open and San fi-chi and Laquiefa escaped. San fi-chi grabbed Laquiefa's hand and teleported them both in back of Barbarossassasasa. Each took a turn kicking him in the butt, then San fi-chi teleported them out the door.

"Hey meathead!" Fabio said, whacking his squirrel butt.

"The butt sign! How dare that little rat!" Barbarossassasasa yelled.

This time, Fabio ran in front of Wanto and Elmo's cell.

"What the hell!? Get away from us, you stupid rat!" Wanto said.

"SHUT UP!" Elmo said.

Fabio did the butt sign again.

"Strength of 1 1/2 men!" Barbarossassasasa yelled. He ran as fast as he could towards the cell.

"AAAHHHHH!" Wanto screamed.

Barbarossassasasa crashed into the cell and Wanto and Elmo escaped.

"Ouch..." Elmo said, grimacing.

"Git back errreeee!" Barbarossassasasa yelled as Elmo and Wanto ran off.

"Hey wooly mammoth in the rubber band!" Fabio said, smacking his behind.

"Why you little scum! How dare you! Strength of 1 1/2 men!" Barbarossassasasa charged toward Fabio, who was in front of Mai kho's and Bobert's cell. Another crash later, Mai kho and Bobert were freed.

Bobert used his super speed and ran a couple circles around Barbarossassasasa. He then picked Mai kho up, and ran out of the cell to join the others outside.

"Getting tired yet?" Fabio said, as he tapped his butt again towards Barbarossassasasa.

"Nothing can stop this!" Barbarossassasasa yelled, "Strength of 1 1/2 men!"

Fabio ran in front of Bertha and Dwayne's cell.

"Here comes the bonehead!" Fabio said as he dodged Barbarossassasasa's attack. He hit the cell straight on, and Bertha and Dwayne managed to escape. Dwayne threw a chocolate doo-doo at Barbarossassasasa's head and it bounced off. They made their way outside with the others. Then, only four prisoners were left- Jonny, Andrew, Foo, and Jackie.

Barbarossassasasa rolled over and saw Fabio running to the next cell. Fabio did the "butt sign" in front of Jackie's cell. "I HATE YOUUUUU!" The pirate yelled, and ran to attack. Fabio slipped away, and Barbarossassasasa broke Jackie's cell open along the top.

"How can she get out?" Jonny said.

Then Jackie took a huge leap and flew through the hole. She stomped down on the pirate and flew out the door. "Thanks a lot, Mr. Idiot!" she said.

After that, Fabio broke Foo loose. She blasted the pirate with a super hot beam of energy and then joined the other's outside. Finally, it was Jonny and Andrew's turn. Fabio repeated his successful routine and waited for Barbarossassasasa to fall for it again.

"Come on pasty legs!" Fabio teased.

"STRENGTH OF 1 1/2 MEN!" The pirate yelled.

"That's right, dense one!"

*BOOM!* The pirate stomped the floor. The shockwave knocked Fabio over and stunned him. Suddenly, the floor cracked and opened up. The fissure spread out under Fabio, and Jonny yelled.. "FABIO!" But the squirrel was gone.

The pirate screamed in delight, dancing around with only his upper outfit and his loincloth on.

"Argh! It's obscene!" Jonny said, covering his nose.

"We need to get out," Andrew said. "But how?"

"Help! Help!" Jonny yelled.

"Nobodeeeesss comin fer you, little boy," The pirate said. "And don' try usin' yer mind-control on me, Mr. Andrewww. By the way, the Master's really upset wit' yaa..."

"You mean Dracula?" Jonny said.

"I wasn't mentionin' it. Clever tryin' to escape, but the other's got this place covered. They'll find yer friends and bring em back 'ere, savvy?"

Then Andrew had a hard time breathing. He clutched at his chest and yelled in pain.

"What are you doing, Dad?" Jonny said.

"Hey! Hey! What's all this, what's all this?" The pirate said. His eyes widened. "Y'all having a heart attack?"

Andrew pounded his chest twice, then fell over and went limp.

"Dad! Wake up, wake up! Why are you surprised!?"

Barbarossassasasa swore and walked over to the cell. He pulled it open and walked to Andrew's prone body. Then he kicked Andrew in the ribs. Andrew grabbed Barbarossassasasa's leg and pulled- hard. Barbarossassasasa fell with a loud *squeak* and Jonny and Andrew escaped.

"Oi, ve!" Barbarossassasasa said as he grabbed Andrew's leg, making him fall onto the ground face first. Andrew swung his leg around and kicked Barbarossassasasa in the head. Barbarossassasasa rolled over and fell into the hole Fabio fell into.

By that time, Fabio turned himself into a bat and was half way up the pit when he saw Barbarossassasasa hanging onto a ledge.

"Ooh," Fabio said as he reached Barbarossassasasa's foot. He turned into a raccoon and climbed up onto Barbarossassasasa's head, using it as a perch to jump off of. Freed from the massive fissure, Fabio did the 'butt sign' one last time in front of Barbarossassasasa's face.

"Stupid rat!" Barbarossassasasa said as he tried to grab Fabio. He lost his grip and fell into the pit. "AAAHHHUHUUHUIIII!" he screamed.

"Good riddance!" Fabio said as he turned back into his human form.

"Let's go find the others." Andrew said. Jonny and Fabio nodded and they all left the dungeon.