"Damn it!" I exclaimed as I slammed my fist on the table. It's been a month and a half since we found out about the spirit walk. I have been coming to see Old Quil every Thursday night after my yoga class that served as my physical education credit. I was super excited when I learned it was an option. Yoga was supposed to be very good for pregnancy. Quil also told me that it would help me center myself for my Shaman training. Yeah right…I still had yet to talk to any other wolf or have another spirit walk.
"Easy Bella, don't break the furniture," Jacob said teasingly. I huffed at him and gave him a one finger salute. Quil came back into the room carrying a tray with an herbal tea.
"Drink up, young one." He said as he sat the tray between me and Jacob. Jacob reached for a glass and Quil swatted his hand away. "That's for Bella." I could swear I heard Jake mutter "old geezer" under his breath. I brought my hands up to rub circles on my temples. I don't understand why this is so difficult but I can talk to Paul so easily. I take a sip of the tea. It's a little bitter. I go to add some sugar and Quil stops me. "You don't want to dilute it. There is mostly Ginkgo in it. It is one of the mixtures I've been teaching you about. It'll help you concentrate. If you weren't pregnant I would have added some Kava…but this will have to do." Quil came and sat next to me placing his hand on my shoulder. "There is something blocking your mind child. You must search it out and face it. Until then you will not be able to fully use the powers given to you."
"Ugh! What does that even mean!" I say standing to pace the room. "With Paul, all I have to do it purposefully send the thought to him. Why is it so hard with Jacob?"
"The connection you have with Paul is both ways because of the imprint. You can sense each other's stronger emotions. Therefore, you can communicate with him with ease. Don't fret my child. I believe in you. You can do this…Let's stop for tonight. I'm sending you home with a pouch of these herbs. Drink one glass a day."
"I'm sorry Quil. You've been so wonderful to me, thank you." I say as I walk to him and give him a kiss on the cheek. He swats me away.
"None of that know." He says chuckling and blushing a little. "I don't need Paul coming to hurt me for stealing his imprint." I laughed at the twinkle in his eye. He brought a hand to cup my cheek. "There now, that's better. You are too hard on yourself. Go see your wolf. He will help calm you." I nod as I turn to Jacob.
"Do you need a ride home?" I ask more out of propriety than need considering his other side. He comes to hug me.
"Nah. I got patrol in a few minutes."
"Okay. Be safe." I hug him back tightly. I had missed my best friend. These sessions with Quil had helped to bring us back together. At first, it had been tense.
Jacob sat quietly while I attempted to send him thoughts. It eventually made me so angry that one day I just screamed at him. "You really are an ass, Jacob Black. The one time I need my best friend and you abandon me. I needed you!" I hadn't realized what a bad idea it was to scream at a wolf. He had got into my face and spat back. "You don't need me anymore. You have your precious Paul. Go fuck your issues away. That's all you seem to do anyway." Of course I had slapped him. When he started vibrating Quil rushed us out of the room. I heard a loud crash and Sam was in the other room with Jacob. "You need to get outside before you trash Quil's place. And you better hope Paul doesn't hear about this. He will have your balls." It was then I heard the sobs that racked Jacob's body.
"I loved her so much. Why isn't she mine? I've been there her whole life." As much as his comment hurt me I know he hadn't meant it. He was hurting I walked back into the room questioning Sam with my eyes if it was okay now. He nodded at me and I crouched down throwing my arms around Jacob.
"I don't know why things happened the way they did. But I know I can't do this without my best friend." That was the first moment of clarity I had in a while I finally understood. "Ah…I get it now. Jacob listen to me. You are my best friend and you always will be. You already had a place in my heart. I will always love you. But we could never be more. I need Paul like I need you. You each bring different things to our relationships. I need you both. You'll find your imprint one day. I'm sure of it. She will be exactly what you need." It felt so selfish saying that to him. But I needed him to understand. I needed him to see…I just plain needed him.
Jacob had apologized over and over again. Then Paul had found out what he was apologizing for. I couldn't lie to him. So after he asked me what had happened I told him. He was not happy, to say the least. I begged him to leave it be. That Jacob and I were working it out together. He didn't listen. He had sought Jacob out that night and exacted his retribution physically. I didn't speak to Paul for a week after that. It was a terrible week. Eventually, Jake came to me and told me to give Paul a break. He told me about how being a wolf makes things more complicated, and that Paul needed to put him in his place. He had hurt his mate and it was Paul's job to protect and defend me. I gave in and Paul and I had some really amazing makeup sex.
As I pulled up to Paul's house I could see him standing on his porch waiting for me. He was chomping at the bit for some reason.
"What's got you all excited?" I asked as I reached him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I pushed up on my tip toes so I could plant a loud, wet kiss on his lips. He smiled and replied,
"I have a surprise for you." He said bouncing slightly.
"Ugh! You know I hate surprises." I said remembering our first date.
Paul had decided to surprise me by taking me to a circus. He did not know that I was deathly afraid of clowns. I tried to brave through it but he sat us in the front row. And when the clown in the stupidly little car came out I bolted. Paul found me outside the building head between my knees hyperventilating.
"What's the matter, Babe?" He asked crouching down next to me. Rubbing circles against my back.
"I…hate…clowns…" I gasped out between shallow quick breaths. I tried to concentrate on getting my breathing under control. Once it had slowed Paul asked,
"Why clowns?"
"It's stupid really. When I was around eight or nine I was having a sleepover. My mother decided it would be funny to dress up as a clown, hide under the bed, hands covered in ketchup, and scare me and my friends. I've never been able to handle clowns after that. Not to mention that not too long before that I had watched 'It' for the first time." I was blanched just thinking about it.
"Damn that's…cruel, but oh so amazing."
"I realize that she thought it would be funny, so I can't really hold it against her. She had no idea it would affect me so much. I'm a sensitive soul or so she tells me." After that, we went to a quiet restaurant and talked well into the night. And continued our talk in the bedroom at his house. Until I couldn't stand it anymore and jumped him. Everything I learned only made me love him more.
"This is a good surprise, I promise." He said bringing me back to the present. "Come this way." He said taking my hand leading me around the side of the house. The night was getting darker. The stars were just beginning to make their appearance. The sky was that beautiful mix of blue and black. The moon shone brightly across the backyard. Paul had a fire going with a blanket laid next to it; to combat the brisk December air. Snow had yet to make an appearance. I could make out the outline of a basket and a bottle and two champagne glasses.
"What's this?" I asked as we sat down on the blanket. Paul began pulling items from the basket. I started laughing. They were all finger foods. "Are we roughing it tonight? No utensils allowed?" He smiled at me. Then pulled something else from the basket. A little black box.