FCr00cy, don't these people understand that they're encouraging my bad behavior by reading this?

CHAPTER 3

Game Night

Cinder Fall was a monster.

Mercury Black knew this. He also knew that she was not a monster that you refused.

He'd learned this lesson years ago, on the side of a darkened road, his father's still warm blood soaking into his clothes. It was a lesson that had been reinforced, time and again, as he watched others make that fatal mistake. He didn't consider himself an overly intelligent man, but he could watch and learn.

All of this is to say, that when Cinder informed them that they'd be attending a monthly 'game night' at the Arc-Fall household, he'd said 'yes ma'am.' He understood how their arrangement worked.

What he was having trouble understanding, was his partner's trepidation upon approaching the door...and her unusual attire.

He shot her a sideways glance. "Em, it's July. Why are you wearing a sweater?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

His forehead creased. "Did something happen last week?"

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It."

He sighed and knocked on the door. "Whatever."

Seconds later, another thing he didn't understand opened to door.

"Merc! Em! How you doing? Come on in!" Jaune greeted with grin, as he led them into his living room.

"We're doing good bro. It's been too long." He returned with a smile.

Jaune chuckled. "Yeah, but I get that you guys are busy. Cindy says you've got some kind of big job coming up."

"Yeah, it's uh, really going to change things around here."

Jaune shook his head. "You guys sure aim high. You still doing breakdancing?"

Mercury rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, not so much recently. Work, you know?"

Jaune tsked. "Man, you gotta make time for you. Like Em, she took up hiking recently."

He shot a look towards his partner, who was carefully studying the designs in the carpet, before responding.

"Hey bro, when you're right, you're right. I'll work on it. But enough about that boring shit, what are we playing tonight?"

Jaune smirked. "Risk, what else? I swear, Cindy's got a touch of megalomania."

Mercury chuckled nervously. "Man, can you imagine?"

The blond laughed with him. "Cindy? Never. You guys get comfortable, I'll go check on the big softy and get the snacks."

"Thanks bro!" Merc called as the Jaune made his way out of the room, before sighing and collapsing on the couch.

Emerald's eyes snapped over to him. "Isn't it weird?" She hissed.

He snorted. "Which part? The part where three of the most proficient killers in Remnant are meeting up to play board games? The part where they're the equivalent of a Beowolf being married to a golden retriever? Or the part where the retriever seems to be the one holding the leash?

Emerald opened her mouth, closed it, then shook her head. "Well, all of that, but I meant how normal this has all become."

He shrugged. "Normal is a weird word for any of this, but I don't get why you're so upset. Jaune's cool...for being Jaune." He smirked at her. "Are you mad that mommy brought home a new daddy?" He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Or maybe, you wish he was your daddy?"

His eyes widened as Em's head whipped around the room in a panic.

He sat up excitedly. "Oh my Gods, there's a story here!"

She jammed a finger in his face. "Say that shit again, and I'll make you see your daddy in the buff, wherever you go."

He held up his hands in defeat. "Ok, ok, I was just curious!"

"Whatever." She huffed, before raising an eyebrow. "Anyway, breakdancing?"

He sighed. "Jaune caught me training one day. I had to tell him something, and I panicked."

She smirked. "And he believed you?"

He shook his head. "Did more than that. Got super excited and supportive about the whole thing. Signed me up for a competition that Big Daddy Bane was hosting."

"Big Daddy Bane the drug lord?" She asked incredulously.

"How many Big Daddy Banes do you know? And really, you have a hard time believing that Jaune makes weird friends?"

"How do they even know each other?"

He shrugged. "I think they're part of the same book club or something. 'Ninjas of Love,' or something like that."

She shook her head. "So how'd you get out of it?"

"I didn't." He answered flatly, causing her jaw to drop. "I had to go! He fucking showed up! He even had a handmade sign that said, 'YOU'RE GONNA GET MERC'D.'"

"...That's actually pretty good."

He laughed. "I know, right? I'm totally stealing it! Anyway, you want to know the craziest part? I won." He pointed a thumb at himself proudly. "You're looking at the three-time defending Vale breakdancing king."

She barked a laugh. "You kept going?"

"You know, we actually had a lot of fun, weird as that sounds. Jaune keeps coming out when he can." He shot her a look. "I don't know if you've ever had your own personal hype-man, but I highly recommend it. The dude is just always there for you, super supportive and...huh." He finished as his eyes widened in realization.

She cocked her head at him. "What?"

"I-I think I just realized that I wish Jaune was my dad."

She patted his shoulder as she took a seat beside him. "I'm here for you during this confusing time."

"Ok! I'm back, and I've got cookies!" Jaune announced triumphantly, as he returned with tray in hand.

"My man!" Mercury said, as he grabbed one before the tray even had the chance to touch the coffee table.

Emerald sighed. "He means, 'thank you. Jaune.'" She apologized, as she grabbed one of her own

"No problem, Em. How's the dating scene? Catch anything yet?"

She choked on her cookie, going into a coughing fit.

Jaune started patting her on the back. "Em, you ok? You need water?"

Mercury tsked. "She's fine, you just brought up a sore subject. I hear she got rejected recently." He finished with a grin, earning him a glare from the girl as she pounded on her chest.

The blond frowned and shook his head sadly. "Em, I'm not sure who this guy is, but he sounds dense."

"You have no idea." She grumbled.

Mercury smiled at Jaune. "Ignore the sour puss. Regale us with tales of how you wooed the boss."

The blond rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, it's not really much of a story…"

"Pssh, are you kidding? No one has ever come close to bedding the boss lady before you, and you managed to make her settle down, there's got to be a story. Plus, maybe it'll help Em." He added, watching the young man's desire to help break him.

Jaune sighed. "Ok, ok, but only till Cindy gets here. She hates this story."

Jaune Arc was a weak man.

He knew this. He'd failed to make into the school of his dreams. He'd failed to return home and face his family after. He'd failed to find steady work after that.

Jaune Arc was a weak man, it was known far and wide.

It was because he was such a weak man that he couldn't keep on walking when he saw her slumped over in the fetal position on the edge of the street, illuminated by the failing lights of the lamp posts in his rundown neighborhood. He'd never understood how the Vale natives could just keep on walking past someone in need. Maybe that made him weak, but he was ok with that.

He rushed over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Ma'am, are you-"

He pulled his hand back in shock, finding it slick with blood. A LOT of blood.

He turned her as gently as he could, rolling her on her back, revealing a series of deep cuts trailing down her arms and torso. He panicked, there was no other word for it. He should have called an ambulance, he should have called the police, he should have done something smart. What he did instead, was scoop her up in his arms and sprint towards his apartment, the medkit that he'd prepared for Beacon the only thing on mind.

Gods but she was light and frail. What kind of monsters would do this to a defenseless woman?

He bounded up the stairs three at a time, cursing as he fumbled with his keys, while trying not to jostle her too much.

Gods that was a lot of blood.

He dropped the keys and watched as they tumbled down the steps. He winced as his boot crashed into the door, forcing it open. Another thing he'd worry about later, when there was time for anything but her.

He set her down as gently as he could on the couch, before rushing to the closet and digging out his kit. He applied pressure and then the bandages with an ease that he silently thanked his father for drilling into them growing up, removing clothing as needed. Once the dressings were applied, he sighed and looked over her.

"What happened to you?" He whispered, before wiping his hands and pulling out his scroll, quickly dialing 911, letting out a yelp as the device exploded in his hand.

"Piece of shit!" He cursed, shaking the sting out of his hand.

"...no hospital." He heard a weak voice call out from behind him.

He whipped around, and saw a pair of bleary eyes staring at him. He fell to his knees in front of her.

"Are you ok?! Hey, we need to get you to a hospital, you need medical attention."

She struggled to rise. "T-they'll check the hospitals." She winced and collapsed again. "...not safe." She panted.

He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Hey, just relax, save you strength! I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. Just stay right here, I'll get you some water."

He went to the kitchen and filled one of the two glasses he owned with water, before returning to find the girl fast asleep.

He shook his head and placed the glass on the water on the end table before laying out in front of the couch.

Jaune Arc was a weak man, but for tonight at least, he swore to be something more.

He woke with a start, looking around at his flat from his unfamiliar position on the floor. Why was he on the-

His head whipped around to find her, letting out a sigh of relief as he saw her chest rising and falling steadily. He pushed himself up to his knees and leaned over her. He made quick work of checking her bandages, shocked to find just how quickly she seemed to be recovering, before brushing the hair out of her face.

Gods, she's so beautiful-

He felt something sharp press into a VERY sensitive spot.

-And so very, very armed.

"Who are you?" She hissed, as her eyes popped open. "Where am I?"

"Jaune Arc! You're in my apartment! You're safe!" He yelped.

She scowled. "You live in the slums?"

He scoffed. "Hey, it's not that bad! It just needs some love."

"It needs to be burned down. How did I get here?" She asked, as she pressed the knife into his groin again.

He winced. "I brought you here after I found you in the street."

Her eyes shot around the room. "Was there anyone else?"

He shook his head vigorously. "Just you. You're safe, I promise, Arc's word. You kept saying something about Amber. Is she your friend? We can find her. That and maidens." He winced again. "Hey, whatever happened, we can get you help, and it doesn't make you any less of a person."

Her brows knit together in confusion as she seemed to consider the impossibility that was him. "You're a strange man. Not too smart either." She decided finally.

He chuckled. "Ouch, coming from someone bleeding all over my couch, that stings."

She pulled the knife back and looked at the tattered couch beneath her. "You paid for this?"

"Well I-"

"It's hideous. Why didn't you put me on the bed?" Her eyes glanced about the room. "Where is the bed?"

He sighed. "You're on it."

She scoffed. "You're poor."

"Financially challenged with room for upward mobility." He corrected.

She snorted. "A LOT of room. What do you do?"

He shrugged. "A bit of this, a bit of that. Handyman, dog walker, part-timer…" He smirked. "...and now an nurse for pretty ladies."

She squinted at him. "Are you...flirting with me?"

"Maybe. How's it going?"

"You're very bad at it."

He chuckled. "That's about what I expected. Luckily, I'm better at making breakfast. Now, how do you like your eggs and toast?"

She considered him for a moment, before making some silent decision. "Scrambled and burnt."

He smiled at her. "Coming right up."

Jaune Arc was a weak man, but he didn't feel that way around her.

"Aww weeee." Mercury cooed.

"And that's how he became my knight."

Jaune spun around in the living room, facing a hoodie and sweatpants clad Cinder.

"Baby! I was just-"

"That couch WAS hideous by the way."

He tsked. "Didn't scare you off."

She hummed. "Very little scares me dear."

He laughed. "Yeah, very little scares me anymore either, after watching you try to make eggs for the first time."

"Now, now, we all have our talents my knight." Her eyes snapped to Mercury. "It appears one of Mercury's is prying into others affairs. Trying to get a leg up on me, my old friend?"

He swallowed. "Nope, just uh...curious."

"Good, that's good. I'd hate to have to take your legs out from under you...again."

He slowly worked his mouth up and down as she stared him down. "I-"

Jaune grabbed his wife by the waist and pulled her into a crushing hug, earning a yelp from the dark-haired beauty.

"Cindy! We promised no work talk at game night. Besides, everyone knows not mess with the 'big bad business woman.'"

She sighed and smiled up at him. "Of course my knight, you're right." She cast a glance at Mercury. "On both counts I believe."

He almost dislocated something he nodded so fast, before glaring at a snickering Emerald.

"You want to say something?" He hissed.

"Oh nothing, it's just a lot funnier from the outside."

"Emerald, dear." Cinder purred, causing he dark-skinned girl sit ramrod straight. "I love the sweater, it's very becoming on you."

"T-thank you!" The green-haired girl stammered.

Jaune tilted his head to the side. "Em, it's July. If you're hot, we can find you something that breathes a bit more."

"No! I mean, I'm not hot, definitely not! Everyone is breathing just fine, don't do anything!"

"She's still high strung." Jaune whispered to his wife.

She placed a hand on his cheek. "It's just who she is baby. Can you grab the wine? I forgot it."

He nodded. "Sure thing, be right back."

She waited till his footsteps faded before returning to the two of them. "Emerald, set up the game, I'm Mistral. Mercury, report."

He coughed and stood. "We've taken care of the rat, looks like a one off."

"Who was he talking to?"

"Dead men."

"Cute, that's not what I asked."

He shifted nervously. "Well we're still-"

She shifted her glance to his partner. "Emerald?"

She shot up, sending game pieces flying. "We're using Roman's contacts to find them."

"And if he's part of the problem?" The dark-haired woman growled.

"Who's part of the problem?" Three sets of eyes snapped over to the wine-bearing blond. "Are we talking about work again?"

Cinder tittered. "I'm sorry my knight, I couldn't help it. One of our new contractors is being...vexing."

"Oh, is it Sadam again?" He asked.

"No, this one is called...Broman."

"Broman? That's a weird name."

"Don't worry about it." Three voices chorused.

He shook his head and laughed as he opened the bottle and filled their glasses. "You guys are right, let's get to the game. Anyone claim Vale yet?"

"Not yet dear, not yet." Cinder promised darkly.

"All yours bro." Mercury hurriedly assured him.

Mercury was losing, and if there there was one thing he hated...well, other than his father, the police, Huntsmen, Emerald making him see shit, the color fushica, mimes...ok, so he hated a lot of shit, losing being among them.

Cinder was steadily eating into his Atlesian and Emerald's Vacuan forces, leaving Jaune's forces in Vale in peace. The irony was not lost on him.

They had to do something if they wanted to turn the tide. He looked to his partner, who gave him a silent nod. The agreement was made, a non-aggression pact until the more dangerous foe was removed. Just like always.

He made his decision.

"I'm going to attack Kuchinashi in Mistral." He announced.

"You won't." Cinder responded flatly.

"But I-"

Her eyes bore into his. "You won't, because you understand that such an action would be suicide. You'd be forgetting your place in the order of things Mercury, and I'd have to teach you it again." She leaned across the table. "And I'm a harsh teacher Mercury. I will start by teaching your tin soldiers the meaning of words such as 'fear' and 'desperation.' Then, once I find my way to your capital, and I will, I'll start teaching new lessons. Your citizens will know the meaning of 'pain' and 'hopelessness,' your children will learn the meaning of 'want' and 'hunger.' I would say that they'll tell stories of your fallen civilization as a warning to others in the future, but that would require me leaving enough for anyone to remember you at all.'" She finished the last of her wine. "So, Mercury, what is it that you want to do?"

He screamed silently for a moment, before his blond messiah saved him.

"Ooooookkkkk baby." Jaune drawled as he poured a healthy dose of wine into her empty glass. "I think you need a little bit more happy juice and a chill pill."

She blinked, as if waking from a spell. "Did I do the thing again?"

Jaune laughed. "I think Merc might have soiled himself."

He scoffed. Of course not...most likely not.

Cinder turned to the silver-haired man again. "Sorry Mercury. Did you decide what you're going to do?"

He made a new decision.

"I'm attacking Em!" He answered quickly, his voice shaking a bit more than he'd like.

"Asshole!"

"Good choice."

The next few turns devolved into a vicious civil war between him an Em. One in which he was sure she used her Semblance more than once, she could be vindictive like that. He sighed, and surveyed the board. He was getting desperate, and in his desperation, he risked it all.

"Jaune, can you be a bro and help a guy down on his luck?"

The blond chuckled. "And go against the missus? No thanks. Besides, I'm going to win here in a minute."

That caught Cinder's attention. She NEVER lost. "What was that dear?"

He shrugged and gestured to the board. "It wasn't too hard, I just had to pay attention to everyone's normal patterns." He nodded towards them. "Em and Merc fight like they normally do, so I didn't have to worry about them, and you're always ready to take advantage of their confusion and disunity."

That was shockingly accurate.

"So, I just had to build up troops in Menagerie, that'll cut you off as you engage the two of them." He finished with a laugh.

The dark-haired woman scanned over the board, eyes widening in realization. She turned back to her husband, putting on her best scandalized look.

"My knight, you'd rout me from behind?"

The blond smirked and took a sip of his wine. "Well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time."

He'd been wrong. THAT was Cinder's best scandalized look.

"JAUNE ARC!" She roared, sending the man into a laughing fit.

Holy shit, she was blushing. He was pretty sure he could die happy now. He turned to Em, to find her jaw on the floor. It was too much, he broke down laughing.

"Hell yeah Jaune! Now help me out, bros before-"

Amber eyes snapped back to him, silencing him.

"What was that, Mercury?" She whispered dangerously.

"I-I, uh…" He looked Em for help, only to find her quickly scooting away from what she assumed would shortly become the 'splash zone.'

"Mercury." Cinder hissed. "Finish the sentence."

He could swear he could already feel the heat coming from across the table.

"What?" He tried weakly.

"The sentence, Mercury. Bros before what?"

Of all the ways he'd thought he'd go, he could safely say that he didn't expect it to be over a board game. Gods but it was getting hot. He could almost see the flickering flames-

"Holy shit!" Jaune cried out. "The game's on fire!"

His blond messiah. He jumped to help the man bat the flames out, carefully avoiding Cinder's gaze.

"It's monopoly all over again." Jaune muttered. "How does this keep happening?"

His dumb, incredibly dense, blond savior.

They'd said their goodbyes shortly after that, with Jaune apologizing for the panic, and assuring them that it has probably for the best anyway.

"Cindy seems like she needs a minute to cool off. See you guys next month right? She might not show it, but Cindy loves these things. I think it's an outlet for her aggression or something."

"Yeah, sure bro. Wouldn't miss it."

Cinder Fall was a monster, Mercury Black knew this. He also knew she wasn't one you refused, and he was pretty sure that that extended to her husband as well.

He sighed with relief as Jaune closed the door. Made it out alive.

"You're so fucking dumb." His partner offered helpfully.

"Shut the hell up Em."

"Oh, don't care about a 'hoe's' opinion?"

And so they walked back down the street, bickering the whole way, completely oblivious to the pair of pink and brown eyes watching them leave the monster's house.

Ship Builder

A boy asked me. "Sir, why do you build ships?"

I scoffed. "Because, my father was a ship builder, as was his father before him, as far back as anyone can remember."

"But sir, your designs, they seem so...silly."

I placed a hand on his shoulder. "That is because you don't understand ships my boy."

"Will you teach me sir?"

I nodded. "Of course my boy. First, we must build our hull. It shall be shaped out of well constructed characters, ones that will stand firm in the face of the rough seas of fandom."

He nodded in understanding.

"Then, we shall find our mast, one that is an emotional center and connection between the characters, from which we will hang our sails of flirting and banter, which will carry us into the unknown. Sails that will be held firm by the ropes of sexual tension. Do you understand lad?"

"I believe so sir, but who is her captain?"

"Ah boy, that's where you don't understand the nature of ships. She will be set adrift aimlessly into the warring seas of fandom, and whatever poor wretches that find her as they drown in the bitter waters, why, they shall become her crew. They will climb aboard her, they will man the oars and sails and drive her forward, they will stand ready at her cannons, defending her against all foes."

"To what purpose sir?"

I laughed merrily. "Why, to reach the next port my boy, what else?"

He nodded again. "I begin to comprehend sir. What happens when they reach the port?"

I shrugged. "I dunno, they'll probably burn this motherfucker down."