R.S.: Hey everybody! Here is the letter T.
Now, I want everybody to know something very very important... this is one of the BEST one-shot's I have ever written in all the years i've been writing. I've taken so much time on this one-shot and I worked on this one hard because I felt this one in my heart so deep that I just had to write it down and express it to the world. I'm usually never this dark.
This is based off of the emotions I got from a song called The way she feelsby Between the Trees. When I heard this song the first time, it caught my heart in a way that made me sit down and in the whole amount of the time the song was, come up with a plan in my head to start early the next morning.
I shouldn't even put this as a chapter. I should work on it some more. But I decided to put it here to see how people would feel about it. I feel so fucking strongly for this one-shot because it's so... it's so real. And I know people can feel this.
Tell everybody you know to read this and listen to that song. Whoever reads fanfiction tell them to read this one letter because this is something that i've worked hard on. This is the one letter you'll never forget.
Now onto letter T.
-Rampaging Sorrow
The Alphabet
By: Rampaging Sorrow
T is for The way she feels (Entirely in Kenshin's Point of View
I know she's upset because she's as silent as she's ever been before. She's usually a little bit bouncy and she's always giving me smiles, but now she's... just there. And that bothers me to no end because I know somethings wrong. I hate being in English class quietly. She usually talks to me, but now she's mute. That... it just irks me.
The blue in her eyes is now navy with depression and her hair of ebony isn't as bouncy or as bright as before. It's... she's just lifeless right now. I call out to her gently, and I know she won't turn to look at me, but she'll open her ears to me... why do I feel like she's barely listening?
She's been this way for about two or three years now. Eve since freshman year started, she just as these violent mood swings... these fits of depression... these thoughts of suicide that plague her and tear at my heart. I would rather have her smiling and happy again. She's my best friend, my girlfriend, my love... would you not want your everything happy?
She sits there in all her depressive glory and I can only frown as I look at her rub her arms gently, her short-sleeved shirt showing her recent tugging as she adjusts her uniform tie and she tries—I know because I taught her-- to pay attention and silence her thoughts. Her mind is so messed up.
My amethyst orbs blink and as she pulls up her arm sleeves, she winces so softly that nobody ever noticed... but I noticed. I always notice when it comes to her. It's so hard not to when it comes down to this girl I love so much. She's so beautiful... and yet, she doesn't think she is. She's so magnificent and she thinks she is horrible in almost every way.
And this pains me to no end because she... she harms herself. And at times she'll starve herself. And she gets so hurtful with the way she slices at her skin. It's not fair for her to do this, but... I can't stop her. I can only give her some kind of therapy and hold her when she needs me.
Because her parents don't care about what she does or about the way she feels. They abuse her verbally, they abuse her physically... they don't pay any attention to her, they constantly leave her with her eldest sister Tomoe (which is another source of her pains) and she always has to fend for herself. All she has is a small dog to comfort her in such a big house that is empty of feelings and empty of people almost all the time. I hate the fact that she finds herself locking herself in her room after they shun her with such hatred and cruelty she sobs in a corner and she takes another stab at herself with words... with feelings... with a razor...
And as she comes with different bandages on her arms--arm sleeves covering the damage she has caused-- I can only hide my sadness and bite my tongue and tears. I will never tell on her because no matter how much I hate the fact that her sins run deep, I love her too much to have her taken away. I will be the sole one to give her the light. And if I can't then I know I will die trying. That's how our love goes... well, mine anyways. Hers probably has changed.
"Excuse me, can I go to the bathroom."
She sounds impatient, she sounds irritated, she sounds bored. But underneath her cover up I hear how she really sounds... it scares me how down and out she sounds. Like she just gave up hope for everything and this is just the way it has to be. Forever... I hope she won't sound this way in the future. When we leave from this place and start our lives over ourselves... oh, please don't sound that way.
"Kaoru, do you really need to go?"
"I wouldn't ask if I didn't need to go."
"You know what--"
"Can I at least get fresh air."
"... sigh Go ahead."
I hate the way she sounds. I hate the way she thinks those suicidal thoughts. I hate the place she lives in. I hate the anger that constantly runs down her face when she can't express it any other way. I hate the way she finds such sweet relief in a knife. I hate the emotions that she has now.
I hate, I hate, I hate!... And yet... I love.
I love that deepness to her. I love the way she can express her feelings through words and expressions and the way she holds me. And as I sit here and watch her empty seat, my love for her makes my blood run cold as I notice her little back pack is missing. I want to see her now... I need to see her now.
"Kenshin, where are you going?! Sit back here!" I have to go. "Get back int his room, Himura!"
This needs to stop today... This needs to end forever...
"Kaoru, where are you?! You need to answer me now!"
I can' t take watching her self-destruct anymore... I can't take watching her die...
"Kaoru! Please!"
I want to rescue her...
I finally hear that soft cry of helplessness and my legs move as fast as I can take them to the bathroom at the end of the hall. The abandoned girls room. I rush to the door and as I bust it open, I move past the wall and I see her holding onto the sink with her head hung low. Her breath was shaky and deep, black locks sliding over her shoulder as tears drip from those pretty blue eyes I always love gazing into.
Her arms show that I am too late, that another mark is now on her skin. The blood runs down her arm freely and as she chokes a sob away, it slides down her fingertips and turns the clear water crimson with her tainted heart.
My whole soul feels like it's been ripped in two as she looks up into the mirror and she stares at her reflection like it's the worst thing she's ever seen. I want to be angry at her, I want to yell at her, ... but I can't do it. I refuse to because if I do i'll be doing exactly what almost everybody does to her.
I want to be different to her, I want to be unique to her, I want to be the one who makes her change.
Her eyes turn to me... she'll finally speak.
"What are you doing here, Kenshin?" is all I get.
At first, I don't answer her and she flips her beautiful locks from her face to make sure I can see her as she is.
Miserable. Helpless. Defenseless. Depressed. Suicidal. Angry.
The list goes on and on. I hear the anger rising with her frustration as she watches me stare at her without words.
"Why did you follow me?"
"I followed you because... because I knew you were going to do this."
"... so, your point is--"
"Don't stand there and get smart with me, Kaoru... what are you doing to yourself?"
She doesn't answer me. Instead, she grabs some wet paper towel to wipe up her mess. I watch her clean her wounds with a wince and my heart once again feels like it's going to shatter and tear as she blinks back her tars. I demand an answer and after five tries and four different movements, her now wound is covered. I now loose my cool.
"You need to fucking answer me!" I snarl and her next answer surprises me.
"What the hell do you want me to say?! You want me to state the obvious for you?!"
"No! I want to know why after eight months you continue to cut yourself when I told you to stop! Is this really how you want to be?!"
"If you feel that way, then don't watch."
"It's not about me watching!" I slam my fist into the bathroom stall door and she looks at me as I rage about this, my eyes probably heating up to a vicious shade of amber.
"This has absolutely nothing about watchign1 It's about why you continue to do this!" she looks down gently to stare at her shoes.
"Why do you continue to piss your whole life away? Don't you think that you have anything going for you? You're the best soccer player in the whole damn school. You had such amazing grades until last month! You're slipping up, baby! You barely even laugh or smile anymore! I hate to watch this go on any longer! My head hurts just to watch you do something so... so... it's sick! It's not healthy!"
"If that's how you feel, then break up with me."
"... What'd you just say?"
"I said break up with me!" she barked with confidence and through her voice she meant it. But her in her eyes... in her eyes she showed something totally opposite... those blue irises always gave her away.
"You say you hate it so much so why do you stick around? if you hate it so much that the shit crawls your blood, ... then let me go. You'll just be another person who doesn't care about me and gave up on me."
Now those words I took straight to heart. Those words shattered my whole train of thought and I swore for a second I blacked out.
"You had the fucking nerve to tell me that? After all i've ever done for you; this is how you thank me?! Huh?!"
When I realized where I was, Kaoru was up against the wall and I was looming over her with such rage that I couldn't even control myself. She didn't look frightened, she didn't look angered. She just looked... dead. And I hated that look in her eyes. Absolutely positively loathed that look. It just wasn't her. At all... I pray my words move through her.
"You really want to stand here in all your miserable glory and tell me that you would rather have me leave you to kill yourself than stay away with you and help you? Is that how you really feel?... Why do you do this, Kaoru? ... Why do you want to be this way? Don't you see I care about you?"
"...You think I like how I look, Kenshin?"
Her voice fought to stay at an even tone, but in the end it cracked as I backed up and watched her run her fingers through her hair while she tried to hold it in as hard as she could. I watched in sadness and awe as Kaoru, the dark angel in front of me, had what I would like to call the first breakdown she's ever had around anybody. The first breakdown where she couldn't hold anything... I lit a fuse and now I can only watch as all these emotions she's put inside a box explodes in brilliant lights and colors. How this girl can still manage to look beautiful to me is unknown.
"You think this is fun for me? To know that almost everybody in school calls me things behind my back and to my face? You act as if I like that they call me emo-slut and cutting-whore and all these things the don't know! Half the school knows that I cut myself and all my friends have abandoned me."
"Kaoru--"
"My whole existence means nothing to anybody! This is all I have!" tears run down her face.
"You don't seem to understand the relief I get from this! I can't do anything else right! I'm a big screw-up!"
"No you're not--"
"YES I am. Cutting myself is the only thing I can control.
"It's wrong, Kaoru!"
"Would you rather have me on drugs?"
For the first time, I am silenced. She's won that statement.
"Kaoru... you shouldn't have to do anything." I manage to say after. "You shouldn't have to cut, to feel this way, to even think the thoughts you have."
"You talk as if I am doing this for attention! Don't tell me what I shouldn't do!"
"Kaoru--"
"Look at where I live! Look at who I live with! Nobody cares for me. They tell me that I am a mistake every day or every chance they get. Look at how it is! You've seen my life! You can walk in my shoes! My sister gets every damn thing and I can only watch in the background as they just leave their own flesh and blood behind.
"They never came to watch me for any of my achievements. And every time I mess up they shun me time and time again as if I am some dog."
"Kaoru, listen--"
"Mom and Dad have no right1" she screams. Anger runs down both of her cheeks and as she grips her hair and kneels down, she cries. I move slowly towards her.
"And nobody understands why!They all think that it's me when it's not me! (sniff) Why doesn't anybody believe me?!" she looks up at me, her emotions wild and fast, and at that moment, my heart falls deeper in love.
"This is why I do what I do! And it hurts! The things I deal with everyday, they hurt so badly!"
"But you don't have to cut--"
"--Then what else am I supposed to do?! I can't do anything else!"
"This isn't the right way!" I'm growing desperate and angry to show her.
"There is no right way for me! There isn't anything! That's why no matter how much I try to stop, I can't. I keep cutting deeper and deeper and it relieves me more and more--"
I can't take hearing it anymore.. I let loose... I burst with emotion.
"The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt!" she is stunned and I drop to my knees as hot tears slip down my face. It is the first time she's ever seen me cry this way, but I don't care. I can't care now because she needs to see the way she feels through me. She needs to see it on somebody else to understand.
"The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt... The deeper you cut, it only gets worse... it only gets worse... Every time you mark your skin, you cut me... Every time you try to overdose, you pain me... Every time you hurt yourself, you hurt me..."
I take her hands in mine and both of us are shaking as she stares up into my eyes.
"Kaoru... let me help you... I don't want you to continue this way. You're so beautiful... you shouldn't kill yourself this way, love..."
"It wouldn't matter... Nobody cares..."
"I'll be there for you. If nobody else cares, I will. I'll be your light."
Kaoru lays on the floor and by now she is sobbing gently because she really feels it now. Everything that is ruining her... everything that is tearing her apart... she had hoped for something more from this. She had hoped to feel happy... she had hoped for something more and she just never got it.
I lean down to comfort her and she is weeping now. I do the only thing I can. I wrap my arms around. And everything I feel for her, every emotion I have for wraps around and around and around until she is enveloped in a tight hold that surrounds her heart. The tight hold that is my heart.
She clings onto my shirt and I can only glide my fingers in her hair as she asks for forgiveness and she asks for somebody to help her.
"Don't let me go... please don't let me go..."
"I won't let you go... I won't let you go..."
I held her for what felt like forever as she felt my love for her through my hold and my tears. I told her I wouldn't let go and I promised.
"I won't let you go... no matter what, I won't let you go."
Two months later... she is different. She is better than before. She doesn't have as much suicidal thoughts as before, but she does snap occasionally. I love her no matter what, though, and it still hasn't changed. Not now, not ever.
The way she feels is better now because she knows that out of everybody, I am here for her. And I will always be here. Her personality has brightened up a long way and she actually smiles and laughs along with everybody else. She stays away from her old friends because she feels that they are fake since they abandoned her before. Her new best friend is a junior like us named Aoshi and he understands the way her mind works as well as I can. He is good for her and I can trust him.
My rehab for Kaoru is nothing but a joy ride. I know how some people make you talk things out and act boring. Mine is Himura style. Every week I take her to different events. Things like concerts, dance clubs, movies. I take her shopping, to spas, to day retreats. It's something different every other day and it helps her think about things that she can do to replace her cutting.
She still lives and deals with her family, but she's more in tune with it now and she's more able to relax herself than resort to her old ways. Besides, she's barely there anyways, so why stress now? My parents might as well be her real guardians. She is under our care. We take care of Kaoru the way her parents can't... By using love.
Kaoru hasn't picked up a razor ever since that day. When she does, it's to shave her arms and legs in the shower. She is serious about the path to righteousness now. She plays soccer everyday with Aoshi and she keeps a journal and a songbook. If she's not with me than she's asleep. I'm proud to say I keep her away for that long because I know that i'm saving her. And I know that she needs me as much as I need her.
The way she feels now is just... it excites me because she's ready to try things to make herself better. She's not reluctant for anything. The whole way she's given herself one-hundred percent into commitment for what I give and teach to her now. Her rewards go from shopping sprees to trips to rewards that even I can enjoy (-). I love the change she's made to better herself. From now on, I know she'll be okay.
People ask her questions and she's not afraid to answer any of them. She feels its her duty to answer and show her scars.
"If I can do this, i'll be able to prevent people from doing the same thing. I'd rather have them know then want them to experience it themselves."
They all used to say that she wouldn't change. People used to tell me that Kaoru was a waste of time. That she way she would feel could never change and she'd die before she went to college.
But I never listened to those people and I never let their judgments change how I felt about her.
And I know that she heard it all, but hey. That's the past. Life goes on. And even though everybody gave up hope, she moved on to be better. She gained her heat back in full.
For those who used to be so doubtful... if you thought she'd always feel that way,
look at the way she feels now.
R.S.: And this was the letter T.
I do hope that everybody enjoyed this and if they didn't i'm sorry they didn't. I can't change your minds about how you feel about it. This is what i'm all about. This is why i'm who I am. When I write for the heart... it just feels so much better, don't you agree?
-Rampaging Sorrow