Did you all miss me? I know you did don't lie. (hides behind Itachi) kidding kidding. Okay I know its been forever since I updated but before you kill me remember this. If I die then no one can continue insanity and manfreds…while you're thinking about that I'll be….(disappears) xp well here's chapter 14!!!! Thanx to all you reviewers out there! I luv ya! (not in that weird way xD) oh right this story is dedicated to Gaara's desert blossom/ I wanna be a princess. Flamers Welcome!
Disclaimer: I ate a squirrel o.0
Kabuto's P.O.V:
I sat outside with the girl that I had just kidnapped, waiting for Lord Orochimaru to return. I sighed tiredly as I watched the demonic child skip around torturing poor innocent crocodiles who she had claimed had eaten her woofer. What the hell a woofer was don't ask me, if you find out please e-mail me at thank you, I'd appreciate it. Anyway, I was sitting down and was thinking of going inside when someone poofed behind me. I turned toward the person, ready to fight if it was an oreo come to retrieve their master. Who was it but my love! Orochimaru himself in all of his beautiful, snake like glory.
"Kabuto." I let his voice caress my ears and closed my eyes. "Good job of bringing the girl." I shivered delightfully. I felt his hand on my cheek and became engulfed in desire.
"What are you doing?" My eyes snapped open and I stared at the girl who was in a bear costume, holding a sign saying 'Manfreds come. This is not a trap. Just please step into the hole. Thank you.'
I grew annoyed that she had interrupted my praise but laughed delightfully as Orochimaru glared at her and slapped her. She flew into a tree and lay there unconscious.
I felt Orochimaru's arms around me and breathed in his delicious smell.
"I only want you Kabuto." He whispered huskily in my ear. I collapsed in his arms, panting slightly as he began slipping off my shirt and feeling for…..
End Kabuto's P.O.V:
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kabuto snapped awake and stared me as I pointed to him, blushing furiously.
"What the hell?" he muttered rubbing his eyes.
"YOU PERVERT!" Kabuto shot me a confused stare. "YOU TALK IN YOUR SLEEP!" Kabuto looked confused then suddenly blushed furiously.
"Wait a minute how long was I out?" Kabuto and I had been playing a game of tag (well actually I running and he was chasing me) when he had knocked himself out by slapping himself in the head with a fish. Why'd he do it? Don't ask me. If you find out please e-mail me at thank you. Anyway I was still screaming and pointing at the boy, why? Well, I was just starting to enjoy myself. Besides I like watching his face turn that shade of magenta.
"HOW LONG WAS I OUT DAMMIT!" I gasped as he grabbed me and flung me against a tree.
"Ow! BASTARD! FRUIT PERSON! HOSEMONKEY! WAFFLE PANTS…" I stopped, suddenly craving pie flavored muffins.
"Answer me or I'll kill you." he growled.
"Hmm… I always wondered how death felt like."
Kabuto paused then thought about it.
"Fine then I'll….send you straight to hell."
"Okay. I'll send you a postcard." I smiled. Kabuto began twitching.
"I'LL EAT EVERY OREO ALIVE!" I gasped. No he did NOT just threaten to eat MY minions.
Glaring, I kicked him in his special place (ha like that sissy had one) and began screaming incoherently at him in pig Latin. Two things ran through my mind as I screamed at him:
I didn't even know I could speak Pig Latin.
Where the hell did that bear get a thong?
The next thing I knew I was shoved roughly in a sack and dragged along the ground.
900 bottles of hoes on the wall later: (A/N: No animals, and or hoes were harmed in the making of this chapter. And if you're a ho and find offense to any of this please note that I am not liable to be sued for I am one myself. Thank you)
"2 bottles of hoes on the wall two bottles of hoes. Take one down slap it around one bottle of ho on the wall. One bottle of ho on the wall one bottle of ho, take one down slap it around…NO BOTTLES OF HOES ON THE WAALLL!"
"ARE YOU FINFISHED YET?!" I heard Kabuto shout somewhere above.
"Hmm…no seeing as how you liked it so much. I'll start over just for you. 900 bottles of hoes on the wall…."
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT SASUKE BRAT!" I gasped angrily at the insult. That little….
"Ow!" I was thrown roughly to the ground and I heard voices above me. I just now really started to notice that sacks were pretty big, I could dance in here if I wanted to.
You know what? I think I will! I began trying to dance but soon realized that it was quite impossible. The voices above me stopped and someone opened the bag.
Somewhere over the rainbow…The oreo army was gathering troops from all over the world. Their oreo master had been kidnapped by the dreaded fruit people and they were prepared to go to the ends of the earth to retrieve her.
"General!" one of the medium sized oreos ran up to the biggest one. The biggest one stared down at him through his sunglasses, adjusting the army helmet on his head.
"What's the news solider?"
"No sign of the master, but we've received an anonymous tip that the Kool-Aid man had something to do with her disappearance."
"Well what are you standing around for? Get me my walkie talkie."
"Yes sir." The oreo ran off and returned with the walkie talkie.
"What's the deal?" the general said into the top part. The other end cackled a bit before he was answered.
"We got him sir. He's on his way to the base." The general nodded, hearing an "Oh Yeah." In the background.
"Good, has anyone checked where she was last seen?"
"We could only find where she had been seen before she was kidnapped sir, some place named Konoha."
"Alright we go there first. SOILDERS MOVE OUT! YOU! DROP THAT THONG! WHAT ARE YOU AN OREO OR A MAN?!"
"OREO SIR!"
"Then quit acting like a man, jeez you're putting us oreos to shame."
"SORRY SIR!"
Back with Kisa:
I stared at the freaky looking man in front of me. I was finding it hard to determine whether it was a man, woman, or some messed up anaconda.
"So you are to be the bearer of my children." I looked up at him then at the idiot Kabuto.
PAUSE
"WHAT?!" I shouted jumping up and startling everyone in the room. "NO! HE'S YOUR MAN WHORE MAKE HIM BEAR YOUR CHILDREN!" I shouted angrily pointing at the glassed freak.
"I AM NOT HIS MAN WHORE!"
"SHUT-UP! First of all, yes Kabuto you are my man whore and I cant get my man whore pregnant for he is a MAN!" Orochimaru hissed.
"Didn't stop Sean." I snorted.
The two stared at me.
"Sean is my mother. I came from the fruit of my mother's loins." I nodded. The ninja's in the room sputtered and one who had been sneaking a drink of sake spat it onto Kabuto's face.
"Look, you're nice and all….well except for you kidnapping me, you being a murderer, you being ugly, you…."
"I get it."
"Oh no wait I'm not finished…" I muttered pulling out a long scroll from my pocket.
"STOP! When did you make that list? You met me five minutes ago."
"Did I?" I asked with shifty eyes.
"Didn't you?"
"Maybe in another life I did but didn't and if I didn't then I did didn't I?"
"Yes. But if you didn't then you did and you didn't you did do the didn't did you?"
"Yes…wait…what?" I asked confused.
"Ugh I don't know anymore. Just go up to my room, get comfortable I'll be there in a second. Kabuto where are my handcuffs?"
"In my bed still I think." I gaped at the two men and slowly backed out of the room. Maybe I could get out of here without them noticing.
"Hey where are you…." I raced down the hall before he finished his sentence.
"Psst." I looked around confused. "Psst…" either there was a gas leak in here or someone was trying to get my attention. A small green dwarf gestured from behind the wall. I followed him to the other hallway. He looked around suspiciously then quickly pulled me into a corner.
"Look, I have three magic potions sent by your minions." He whispered.
"The oreos?" I whispered back.
"Yes they're on the move, they're searching for you."
"Great, you can tell them where I am!"
"No, sorry, I have to get back to my beach house but good luck with escaping and all." The dwarf shoved the bottles into my hand and disappeared.
"WAIT WHAT DO EACH OF THEM DO?!" I called staring at the small vials attached to a necklace.
"Over here, I heard voices." I quickly put the necklace on just as someone grabbed me from behind.
"OROCHIMARU WE HAVE HER!" the snake dude walked up to me and smirked evilly.
"Ha, I knew it. Bring her to my room."
"Yes sir."
I was poofed to a large purple room filled with strange objects (that I do not really feel like naming) on the wall.
Hmm…. I looked under the bed against my better judgement and pulled out three boxes. One was labeled pictures. I opened them and busted into laughter as I saw Sasuke in a dress. I pulled out the pictures and shoved it into my pocket. I loved blackmail. The other two had been labeled "confiscation". I looked around before opening it. I found, to my delight….CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS! Sure it was July…I think…but hey no one cares, lights are shiny and everyone loves the shiny. Or else. Anyway I pulled out tinsel and lights and draped them around the room. Won't snake freak be surprised?
30 minutes later:
I looked around at my masterpiece and happily applauded myself. You know those people that look like they bought out the whole store and threw it around in their yard? Imagine that except three times worse and five times more lights. There was a poof and I looked behind me. The snake dude stood, mouth open and staring around the room.
"YOU DESTROYED MY BEAUTIFUL BEDROOM!" he shouted angrily.
"No I improved it…besides you haven't even seen the best part yet." I happily gathered the plugs and shoved them into the outlet. There was a blast of light and a scream. I stared at the blinding shininess and clapped happily. I looked over to see if Orochimaru was enjoying it and found him rolling on the floor whimpering and covering his eyes.
"Hey…what's wrong? Don't you like the lights?" I poked him in his head and he whimpered some more. I shook my head and looked up as the door burst open. The rest of the sound village had gathered in. They all shielded their eyes. In the chaotic yet awesome moment, I realized this was my chance to escape. I stole the headband off of Orochimaru because it was awesome then quickly jumped out the window. I ran through the forest until I toppled over someone.
"OW!"
"ugh." I looked at who I had run into and squealed happily. I hugged the black haired boy before me.
"HAKU!"
"K-K-Kisa?" he muttered.
"How are you? did you find that bearfish I told you about?"
"Um…no I was just looking for you. Everyone is in an uproar over your disappearance." I nodded sadly and stood up.
"Yes, my poor minions have been searching for me."
"E-excuse me?"
"Minions, oreo people. They've been looking for me and I haven't been in touch. I need to get them a message."
Just then I heard a bell ring and saw the spandex wearing boy, Lee, or something, pull up on a bike beside me.
"I CAN DELIVER THE MESSAGE! I WILL NOT FAIL!" he did a good guy pose. The older version, Gai, appeared bedside him, tears rolling down his face.
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT LEE!" both hopped on the bike and drove away, Lee shouting he would not fail and Gai encouraging him.
"Um…HEY YOU FORGOT THE LETTER! Oh never mind. Haku, let's go back to Konoha." Haku nodded and noticed the sound headband I was wearing.
"Where'd you get that?"
"I stole it." I smirked evilly.
Back with Orochimaru:
"SHE STOLE MY HEADBAND!" Orochimaru shouted angrily with bandages over his eyes. The team was trying to turn off the lights while Kabuto consoled their master.
"Ahhh!" the lights began sparking.
"DUCK!" a duck flew through the room then disappeared.
"LOOK OUT!" the light bulbs shot off and hit Kabuto in the head, Orochimaru began blindly searching for a way out and tinsel began shooting past his head.
"FIRE!" everyone began scrambling out of the room. Orochimaru shook his fist.
"I'LL GET YOU! AND YOU WILL HAVE MY CHILDREN AND I WILL RULE THIS EARTH!" he broke off as his hair caught on fire.
"AHHHHH!"
Back with Itachi:
"That settles it, we have to go to Konoha for help." Itachi said standing up. Everyone looked at him shocked.
"And get killed? No thanks." Itachi's sharigan swirled. Everyone grew quiet.
"I'll go get the pocky and oreos." The panda muttered standing up.
"For what?"
"Peace offering of course." Everyone shrugged as the panda disappeared.
"I hate this stupid tail!" Sasori shouted angrily pushing it out of his face.
"Stop complaining. At least you don't have fleas." Diedara muttered scratching himself.
"You stop complaining, you can bathe. I haven't been able to in weeks." Kisame grumbled. Everyone stared at him.
"What?"
"No one said you couldn't take a shower. Besides…we've been like this for a day, what do you mean for weeks?" Kisame stared at the others at a lost for words. Everyone backed away from him.
"O…k…" Itachi said a bit creeped out.
Back in Konoha:
"We have to find her! Our wedding's tomorrow!" Shrece said angrily punching a passing fish that flew into the lake and drowned. Gaara sighed and nodded. The group had gathered together to discuss a rescue plan.
"We still don't know where she is." Shikamaru muttered.
"That has nothing to do with this!" Shrece shouted angrily.
"That has EVERYTHING to do with this! Ugh…never mind, this is tiresome." Shrece turned to Shikamaru, a dark aura surrounding her.
"THIS IS NOT TIRESOME!" everyone sweat dropped as she began choking Sasuke….again.
"Look, all we have to do is find her minions and ask them, I'm pretty sure they have a lead." Everyone stared at Naruto. "What? I thought it was a good idea."
"Naruto…shut up." Kiba sighed.
"HEY!" Naruto leapt at Kiba but missed and landed head first onto the cement.
"Naruto….a-are you okay?" Hinata rushed to his side. Naruto sat up, rubbing his head.
Suddenly he got a far away look in his eyes and fainted.
Everyone rushed to him.
"Great the idiot killed himself." Shikamaru muttered.
"W-what?" Hinata said becoming stressed.
"Good." Neji muttered. He had been dragged into the meeting by Hinata who had threatened to tell the head family about his little…erm…hobby. One of the first times she actually stood up to him.
"I KNOW WHERE KISA IS!" Naruto shouted jumping up and startling everyone.
"YOU DO?! HOW?! WHERE?!" Shrece shouted happily.
Naruto's stomach rumbled. "Can we get some ramen first?" Shrece gave him a look but knew he wouldn't tell unless Naruto had ramen, and if she killed him she would never know.
50 bowls of ramen and 10 empty wallets later:
"So where is she?" Shrece asked impatiently as Naruto gave off a loud burp.
Hinata pulled out a jar and caught the air, closing the lid quickly.
Everyone looked at her and she blushed.
"I-I was just…"
"I FAILED!" everyone turned toward a sobbing lee who had burst into Ichiraku, Gai by his side trying to console him. Both were covered in dirt, cuts and bruises could be seen on their face.
Hinata took the moment to cut off a bit of Naruto's hair.
"It is okay lee! YOUTH SHALL PREVAIL! I'M SURE THE LOVELY DEMON WON'T BE ANGRY!"
everyone ignored them as usual, as they began their dramatic hugging scene.
"So Naruto where is she?"
"She's in the forest walking with some guy." Naruto announced.
"And how do you know that?" Shikamaru asked.
"I don't know I just had a vision when I fainted." Naruto shrugged. Suddenly he fainted again.
""Naruto!" Hinata wailed. Naruto popped up again.
"She's on her way here!" he announced.
PAUSE…..
"Are you telling me you received psychic abilities by idiotically ramming your head on the sidewalk?" Shino asked.
Everyone stared at Shino, that being the longest sentence that actually made sense come from his mouth.
"Shino?" Ino asked uncertainly.
"I am the bug master." He muttered darkly, a bug crawling from beneath his glasses and up his nose.
"Eeeww…." Sakura muttered.
"Anyone want some fried ants? They're delicious." Choji said stuffing his face. Shino's eyes…err…glasses flashed dangerously.
"YOU! STOP EATING MY PETS! You're just like that monkey! (from earlier chapters)."
"I'm hungry…and what monkey?" a monkey, the one which just happened to have eaten Shino's pet, George, jumped on Choji's shoulder.
"You are working together!" Shino cried accusingly.
"I am a great psychic!" Naruto shouted, dressed in a orange bathrobe with blue moons and stars on it. He held a book in his hand, a crystal ball in the other, and he wore a pointy orange hat upon his head.
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Shrece shouted. "We're going to find Kisa. Let's go tell Tsunade we have a lead."
Everyone nodded and disappeared to her office.
"Tsunade!" Shrece shouted as she and everyone else appeared in the room.
Tsunade stopped her conversation with….
"ITACHI!" Sasuke shouted angrily. "REVENGE!
"Not now Sasuke!" both Itachi and Shrece shouted, punching him into the wall.
The man fixing the last hole Sasuke had made screamed angrily and threw the nails he was holding to the ground and his hammer at Sasuke's head.
"I JUST FIXED THAT YOU MORON!"
"What's Itachi doing here?" Shikamaru asked Kakashi who was also in the room.
"He comes in peace, he brought pocky and oreos see?" Kakashi pointed to the basket which was being held by a panda.
"O…k….but it doesn't answer the question." Shikamaru said angrily.
"Oh right, he came to ask us to help him find Kisa."
"And why should we help him?" Naruto shouted.
"Because if we don't he'll kill us." Tsunade said happily eating the pocky.
"AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?!" Sasuke shouted angrily standing up.
Suddenly Shrece started laughing.
"Ha, ha! It's a catfish!" she shouted pointing at Kisame who glared. Gaara glared back.
"What happened to you guys?" Sakura asked.
"Kisa cooked for us." Diedara said.
Everyone fell into laughter. The Akatsuki just glared.
"Okay, now you said Orochimaru had her?" Tsunade asked.
"NO SHE HAS ESCAPED! I KNOW THIS FOR I AM NARUTO UZAMAKI! FUTURE HOKAGE AND FUTURE SEEING PERSON PSYCHIC GUY!" everyone sweat dropped. Suddenly there was a poof and everyone looked around. Haku appeared followed by….
Kisa's P.O.V:
I poofed into Tsunade's office beside Haku expecting a grand and glorious entrance. I did not expect to be glomped by a mob of people.
"KISA!" I was bombarded with questions that I could not answer for I couldn't breathe and was being crushed beneath the weight. I crawled out and stared at the group of people on the floor, squirming around. All but one. I stared at Gaara who shook his head at the scene in front of him.
"Gaara!" I shouted happily. I hugged him and he stiffened.
"Oh stop it, you'll be my brother somewhat soon so stop complaining."
Gaara muttered something that I chose to ignore. Kaka finally pulled himself away from the still struggling group and walked over to me. He hugged me and twirled me around.
He set me down and looked me square in the eye.
"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MY BOOKS! AND MY DRESS…WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY DRESS?!" I fell over in shock and everyone stopped struggling and looked over at us.
"Wait if Kisa's over there who am I kissing?" Kiba looked down at the pissed of Neji his arms. "AAAHH!"
"Wait what about me?" Naruto also looked down and Sasuke who seemed to be actually enjoying it. "AAAHHHH!!!!"
Hinata glared at Sasuke.
Hinata's thoughts:
That bastard! That's the second kiss he's stolen from my Naruto. Oh just wait, I'm going to find him in a dark ally one day and……mwuah ha ha ha
Kisa's P.O.V:
I and everyone else looked over at Hinata as she was overcome with maniacal laughter.
"Okay then…" everyone jumped up and the boys acted as if nothing happened. Of course, unknown to them, I had taken pictures.
"THE WEDDING IS TOMORROW!" I shouted horrified.
"THAT'S RIGHT WE HAVE TO GET READY!" Shrece grabbed me and we disappeared leaving a very confused group behind.
"WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ABOUT OUR CONDITION!" Kisame shouted angrily.
"WHAT ABOUT MY BOOKS AND DRESS?" Kakashi shouted.
"WHAT ABOUT MY DOLLIES!" Sasuke shouted. Everyone stared at him.
"I-I mean….my weapons…yeah…."
Phew…eight pages, you can forgive me now right? Sorry, the word on my computer was deleted so I couldn't update and my school's computer was being stupid. Grr…. Well anyway read, review please! FLAMERS WELCOME! Oh right, the story is almost over…about one or two more chapters I believe :)