All my life, I've been looking for something. God only knows what, all I know is that I've been looking for it. I've never really tried to describe the feeling as I've come to think that no one really cares to listen to my ramblings and ranting, no matter what may be the subject of the day. But I suppose, if someone were there to listen, that it's almost like an ache, like that feeling you get right before you cry. I don't always feel it, just every once in a while, and when it comes along, everything else fades away and doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Just this incredible feeling of needing to find something. God only knows what, but something. Something that makes every other thing you've done seem worthwhile because if it hadn't existed, you wouldn't be where you are know. All those things in your past got you here, with this... something. It would justify everything, just this one thing.

I don't like telling people about that feeling. I mean, I know I said I've never explained exactly what it feels like, that ache, but I've mentioned it in passing. Just that general need to find, to discover. Mostly to my ex-wives, who couldn't care less about anything I was feeling. The other times I was probably drunk, ready to cry in my beer after my wives left me, one by one.

To date, I haven't found anyone who feels the same, or who was weak enough to give in and tell me about it. Honestly, I don't blame them. It's not a feeling that one enjoys sharing. Or enjoys in general.

No fingerprints have been found, not one shred of evidence has been left behind. Joann can think of no enemies, beyond her rapist, but he's behind bars. I'm torn between staying with Joann and waiting to see if a ransom call comes and going out on the street looking for the guy. I decide on the latter, leaving Fin with Joann. While Fin had worked Joann's case with me and knew more about it, I wanted her to feel comfortable, to be with someone she knew. Well, someone she was more familiar with. So Olivia and I drove up to Sing Sing to visit Joe Bernal.

"What do you guys want now?"

"Joann Hontas' two sons were kidnapped this morning. Know anything about that?"

"No."

I sighed and leaned on the table. "Listen Joe. We need to find those boys. You holding some sort of grudge against Joann, you're going to tell us about it. You're going to tell us whether or not you got somebody to kidnap them."

Joe leaned on the table as well. "Listen, detective. I don't know. I'm not holding any sort of grudge, and I certainly didn't hire anyone to take her kids, arright?" He reclined in his chair. "That all?"

Olivia tapped me on the shoulder and from the look on her face I knew we were leaving. I looked at Bernal. "For now. We'll be keeping in touch."

The guard buzzed us out and as soon as we were out of Bernal's hearing range, I asked, "What is it?"

"Joann got a call. Said that the boys have seven days to live."

I stopped and looked at her, before setting off at a brisk pace. Still, she was at my elbow again in an instant. "John, we can't just run off there. We gotta go back to the squad and figure this out."

"Don't you think I know that?" I had whirled on her, causing her to almost collide with me.

"I know you know that. Okay? I just don't want you getting hurt by this one."

"Too late," I bit out and started walking again.

"Mrs. Ryan, have either of the boys ever come to you with problems?" We were sitting in the principal's office at the boys' school.

"No, never. They might still talk with the school counselor though. When their mother was raped, we set the boys up to talk with Miss Riley, just in case. And there's also Mr. Russell and Mrs. Ludmer, their teachers."

"Where might we find Miss Riley?"

Mrs. Ryan gestures a hand to the right. "She's on the other side of the office. Mr. Russell and Mrs. Ludmer both have lunch in half an hour, if you'd like to speak with them as well."

"Could you have them meet us somewhere private?"

"Of course. You can use Mrs. Hackett's office, she's out sick."

"Thank you." Olivia and I stood to leave, both of us shaking hands with the also standing Mrs. Ryan. We walk across the main office to a door marked "School Counselor." I knocked, and was answered with a "come in." We did so.

"Miss Riley? I'm Detective Munch and this is Detective Benson. We were wondering if you could answer some questions for us."

"Sure, may I ask what about?" She gestures for us to sit down.

"Robert and Zack Hontas were kidnapped sometime last night. Mrs. Ryan told us that the boys had spoken with you after their mother was raped. Do they still speak with you?"

"Robert does every week or so, but I only saw Zack a handful of times."

"Did either of them ever mention feeling threatened by someone?"

"Robert has nightmares where a man dressed all in black comes after his family, but he never mentioned anything immediate. Both boys seem to be handling it well."

"Why did Zack stop coming?"

"I think he didn't want to talk about it. Whereas Robert sees his mother's rapist as just a bad man, Zack better understands what happened." She didn't need to continue for us all to know why he didn't want to talk. It was part of growing up, learning that bad things happen and bad people exist. What was difficult was the coping.

Ten minutes later, we had gleaned as much information as we could from Miss Riley and were waiting in Mrs. Hackett's office for the arrival of Mr. Russell and Mrs. Ludmer. They came in together and from the looks on their faces, I knew that Mrs. Ryan had already informed them as to why we were here. I stood to allow Mrs. Ludmer, an elderly woman (who in actuality was probably about my age), a seat. She gratefully took it and Mr. Russell leaned on the vice principal's desk.

"Do you know who might have done this?" Mrs. Ludmer asks immediately.

"No, ma'am, that's why we came to ask you some questions. You're Zack's teacher, correct?"

"Yes." She looked about to cry. "He was such a nice boy."

"Did he ever mention feeling threatened, or being bullied?"

"No. Even a few months ago, with his mother, he was very brave. Such a strong boy."

"Mr. Russell?"

"Call me Derek, detective. And no, nothing. I had Zack as well. They're both good boys. Zack takes good care of his little brother. They're very close. To think that this has happened to them... and after the ordeal with their mother. They deserve better."

Mrs. Ludmer covered her face with her hand.

Olivia leaned forward, her hand goign to Mrs. Ludmer's arm. "Are you all right?"

She looked up. "Yes, it's just..." She took a shuddering breath. "I just remembered. Last week, I saw Zack after school. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he couldn't find his brother. I helped him look and we eventually found Robert. He was... he was crying in one of the rooms, underneath a teacher's desk."

Lately, I've felt that ache. Way down deep inside. I imagine it to be resting right beside my heart, or perhaps it resides within my heart. Desperately trying to keep it at bay, work has suddenly become very important. Surprisingly, I have held a perfect record, something that reminds me of Kay Howard and if I close my eyes, I can picture all the names in black underneath my name. It's a good feeling, knowing that every rapist and child molester that has come my way in the past couple months have met that strange lady named Justice. And she has won.

But no matter how many cases I solve, no matter how many perverts rest behind bars, that ache is still there. So I know it isn't work that causes it.

Maybe, if I try hard enough, I'll remember feeling like this before I became a cop. Worth a shot, right? And with my current solve rate, who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.