Redheads and Succubi
By Jonakhensu A.K.A Gecko-chan
Chapter 7: "Annoying the Admiral"
Yes, it is I, Jonakhensu, here with another instillation of this (originally) serious story. Unfortunately, serious doesn't seem to work. Anyways, have fun! Also, sorry that you won't be able to tell exactly what is happening, plot-wise, as I am still working on its development. I still don't own anything in the story, with the partial exception of Keiko, who does not appear in this chapter. Additionally, the reason it has taken me so long to update is writer's block. For some reason, I write best on long car trips (several hours). Otherwise, I'm horribly lazy.
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After three weeks of travel, Ranma had finally reached her destination. Annoyingly enough, to her, she had not been able to find hot water for the last few days. As she and her new traveling companion were just coming into sight of the compound's entrance, a light shower started, eliminating any chance Ranma-chan had of becoming male before entering.
Looking over at her companion, Ranma-chan realized that she was the only one getting wet. "Hey! Why didn't you cover me, as well?" the redhead whined.
Her companion smirked, and answered, "You looked like you needed to cool down a little." Yes, Raven's mild sadistic streak had absolutely no bearing on her actions. Additionally, Ranma is from the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy Transylvania, if you'll pardon the Rocky Horror Picture Show gag, but it is strangely appropriate when referring to the pigtailed martial artist. "Besides, you shouldn't have eaten all of our pizza."
"I told you, I didn't eat it!" Ranma protested, the tip of her tail twitching from its position around her waist. "I don't even know what happened to the box!"
"Halt!" the guard outside the compound shouted as the two girls approached. "Do the two of you have the proper clearance to be here?"
Ranma-chan eyed the massive tunnel behind the guard and answered before Raven could, "I believe so, unless I jump higher than I normally do." Raven palmed her face, slightly embarrassed to be associated with the other girl.
"That is not what I mean!" the now righteously irritated guard snapped. "Let me see your identification."
"Oh! Why didn't you ask for it earlier?" Ranma-chan asked innocently.
The guard took the passport offered by the redhead and the Titan Communicator from Raven. Less than a minute later, the guard returned both items. "I'm sorry, ladies, but neither of your identifications is real. Is this some sort of a practical joke?"
"What!" Raven demanded. "The Teen Titans are recognized the world over!"
"I've never heard of you," the guard remarked.
"Excuse me, but what is wrong with my passport?" Ranma-chan asked. "Nabiki assured me that it was a legal passport."
"Oh, it is technically legal," the guard confirmed. "However, there is no way it can be real."
"Why not? How can it not be real if it is legal?" the confused redhead asked.
"Do you honestly expect me to believe that you and this boy are the same person? You don't even have the same hair color!"
"Give me a warm glass of water and a dry place to stand, and I'll prove it," Ranma-chan pouted.
"Let me try something," Raven suggested. "You do not need to see our identification. These are not the droids you are looking for," she intoned.
"I do not need to see your identification," the guard replied, as though in a trance. "These are not the droids I am looking for." At this point, the guard started to let them thru, before shaking his head, clearing it. "Hey! That Jedi mind junk won't work on me!" Well, if the two travelers had droids with them, it might have worked.
Raven shrugged, "It was worth a shot."
"Look," Ranma-chan started reasonably, "we just want to talk to Admiral Winslow; then we'll be on our way."
"What do you think this is? Up Periscope?" the guard demanded.
Ranma closed her eyes for a second and Volanar-chan replied, "I'm sorry for Ranma's attempt at humor; he just saw movie for the first time a few days ago and has been waiting for a chance to mention it. I am the Tok'Ra, Volonar, and I seek an audience with General Hammond. "
"Well, why didn't you say so to begin with," the guard muttered under his breath, completely missing what pronoun Volanar had used. Anyone who claimed to be a Tok'Ra or a Goa'uld was supposed to be allowed into the SGC, regardless of whether he or she possessed proper identification. Various levels of security were necessary, depending on the incident, and this encounter looked to need relatively few security measures. "I'll call for an escort." After a short phone call, the guard continued, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but I am required to search the two of you for weapons."
"Who needs weapons?" Raven asked, casually ripping a tree out of the ground with her powers. As the guard gawked, Raven carefully replanted the tree.
"If we wanted to, we could kill everyone here barehanded," Ranma-chan replied sweetly. "And that is assuming they knew we were attacking. Then again, why would we have bothered to stop here if were going to kill you?" Regardless, Ranma started to empty her pockets, as she had been training with her weapon space. Out came several knives, swords, shuriken, and other assorted pointy goodies. After the cutlery was exhausted, Ranma-chan began on the blunt objects. A twelve pound bowling ball, numerous staves, and anvils followed.
The guard just stared as the pile of weaponry, all primitive by his standards, grew to be larger than the girl pulling them out from around her person. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell to the ground unconscious.
"It looks like you brought everything but the kitchen sink," Raven commented.
"Well, I didn't need a kitchen sink while I was in the ocean. There was plenty of water around," Ranma explained as Raven palmed her face again.
"What are the two of you doing here?" Major Samantha Carter demanded as she walked to the end of the tunnel. "I'm supposed to escort a Tok'Ra to see the General; the two of you are much too young!"
"Ah, Major Carter," Volanar-chan began, "you of all people should be able to sense that I am a symbiote."
"Why did you take such a young host?" the Major asked. Taking a host that young was more of a Goa'uld trait.
"In order to save my former host, I had no choice. It is amazing how much latent energy Ranma has."
"What is with the pile of weapons and furniture?" Sam asked, not sure if she really wanted an answer.
"Well," Ranma began, having taken control again, "the guard over there taking a nap asked us to show him our weapons."
"I'm sorry," Carter started, "but it is impossible for two girls to carry that many weapons."
"I wasn't the one with the weapons!" Raven protested.
Volanar-chan sighed, wanting to get to her meeting with General Hammond. Thus, she explained, "Ranma was taught a martial arts technique that allows her to form subspace pockets around her person. While Ranma doesn't actually use weapons to fight, she is currently training herself in order to increase her ability to store matter in subspace." Given a relatively logical explanation, Samantha was content, for the moment.
"Um, anyways," Ranma-chan continued. "I just have a few more things left."
As she continued to pull more items from around her person, Raven grabbed one and held it up accusingly. "So you had no idea where it went, huh?" the purpled haired girl demanded, waving an empty pizza box under the redhead's nose.
Ranma-chan waved her hands in a warding gesture, saying, "I didn't eat them! I swear! I put the leftover pizza in there before we left! I don't know who could have eaten it!"
"All right," Raven conceded. "If I didn't know how horrible of a liar you are, I wouldn't believe you. Now finish emptying your pockets so we can get this trip over with!"
Ranma continued to empty her weapon space until a small, suspiciously green mouse was pulled out. The mouse turned into a green boy wearing a jumpsuit before saying, "Dude, I never wanna do that again!"
"Who is this?" Major Carter asked, getting slightly annoyed at the delays.
"Ah heh heh; I'm Beast Boy, "The green youth said.
Raven quirked an eyebrow and asked, "What were you doing there in the first place?"
"Well, I saw Ranma taking the pizza before you left," Garfield began. "It was so unfair that you two would get all of it! So, I turned into a fly and hopped a ride right before the box vanished into that dark place. At least I got to eat the pizza."
"Well, that's what you get for eating our pizza!" Ranma declared. "Now go back to the Tower. You have no reason to be here."
"Well, neither does Raven!" Beast Boy whined.
"I am trying to see if Ranma can help me with a personal problem. Thus, I need to travel with him until I find out for sure," Raven explained. "You, on the other hand, have no business with Ranma." Thoroughly beaten, Beast Boy begins his slow, wandering march back to Jump City and the Tower.
"If there will be no further interruptions, follow me, please," Sam ordered, leading the two youths into the mountain.
"So, can I get some warm water before we go see the General?" Ranma-chan asked, wanting to meet Hammond in her true form.
"No!" Volanar enjoined. "You know how the curse gives me a headache."
"You forget that I can ease your pain," Raven stated calmly. "Why don't you let Ranma change so he'll be more comfortable?"
"Yes!" Ranma exclaimed, doing a little victory dance. "I'm going to be male again! I'm going to be male again! I'm going to be… What?" Ranma-chan stopped her song and dance when she noticed the looks Samantha was giving her. "I haven't been male since that thunderstorm two days ago!"
"A more reasonable explanation had had better be forthcoming," Major Carter warned, leading the two girls into the briefing room. "Teal'c will watch you until I get back with the water or the others get here," she explained, gesturing to a large, muscular man. "Don't try anything."
"Don't worry," Raven started reassuringly, "if we were going to do anything, we would have done it by now."
"Yeah, unless Ryoga shows up, somehow, we should keep any property damage down to a minimum." Ranma stated, glibly. The SGC had better hope they weren't just jinxed. As soon as the Major had left to fetch the cup of water, Ranma-chan turned towards Teal'c and asked, "Wanna spar?" The Jaffa's only response was a quirked eyebrow.
"Ranma, we're trying to keep any damage to a minimum, remember?" Raven sighed, shaking her head sadly.
The redhead laughed nervously, scratching the base of her pigtail. "Sorry 'bout that, Teal'c. I just wanted to see what type of martial arts you use," she explained.
"Depending on General Hammond's decision about you, a sparring match could be arranged," Teal'c announced. "I am curious as to what styles of combat are taught on Tarrie." Ranma began to literally bounce around the room in excitement.
"What the blazes is going on here?" the General demanded as he walked into the briefing room. Ranma abruptly stopped her bouncing and fell to the floor. As she stood up, Daniel, Jack, and Sam walked in. "There had better be a good reason for why there are two underage girls in a restricted area."
Sam held a steaming cup out to Ranma and said, "I'm sorry I didn't get back here before the others arrived, but they were in the mess hall when I got there."
Ranma-chan took the cup and said, "Well, thank you anyways. It is probably better this way. At least I won't have to demonstrate again." She then poured a small portion of the hot water onto her head, and he continued, "I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."
The symbiote took control of Ranma and said, "My name is Volanar, and I am a Tok'Ra. I have been on this planet for a little more than twenty years. However, this is the first time I have been able to contact you directly."
"What happened to the other girl?" O'Neil asked, looking for the redhead.
"I am he," Volanar replied.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Daniel broke in. "How is it possible for you to change gender like that?"
Ranma resumed control and explained, "I got cursed while Pops and me were training in China. Now whenever I get splashed with cold water, I become a girl. Warm water changes me back."
"So Jusenkyo isn't just a myth," Dr. Jackson began, excitedly. His eyes gained something akin to a maniacal gleam.
"I don't suggest going there," Ranma began. "Even if you don't get cursed, the locals are not usually accepting of outsiders." Hearing this, Daniel's eyes lost their slightly crazed look.
"All right," Hammond began. "That explains why Ranma is here, but what about the girl?" Turning to Raven, he asked, "Who are you, and why are you here?"
Raven answered, I am Raven (does she HAVE a last name?), of the Teen Titans."
"The Teen Titans? Who are they?" Sam asked.
"Why doesn't anyone here know about us?" Raven complained before answering, "The Teen Titans are a group of teen heroes. We've even saved the world before!"
Jack scoffed at that and remarked, "SG-1 has saved the world multiple times, yet we still aren't known publicly."
"That doesn't answer my second question," General Hammond pointed out.
"I am here because I have decided to travel with Ranma. He may be able to help me with an urgent personal matter."
"That's good enough for now," Hammond consented. "If you don't mind, I'd like Dr. Frasier to run your blood work to check for any anomalies."
Ranma just shrugged, and said, "Fine by me." Raven just shrugged, figuring her particular anomaly would be impossible to detect. Hammond called Dr. Frasier, and she came, got her blood samples, and left to begin her tests.
Finally, Jack asked the question that had been nagging him for some time, "So, what is it like being a girl, Ranma?"
Ranma, not used to this little thing called feminine modesty, answered, "Well, I need to adjust my balance, my breasts bounce all over the place when I run or jump, I have to remember to go to the bathroom differently, and, if I do it right, I can get free food." She sounded particularly smug about that last part.
"Speaking of your other form, where does the mass difference go?" Sam asked.
"I dunno…" was Ranma's answer.
"Magic is very real," Raven said. "Not all of it obeys the known laws of science."
"So, anyways," Ranma began. "Does anything exciting ever happen around here?"
"Indeed," Teal'c intoned just as a klaxon began to blare.
"Unscheduled off-world activation!" the loudspeaker announced.
"You just had to ask for excitement, didn't you?" Jack said accusingly to Ranma. The teen just shrugged. It was not as if he had somehow jinxed them or anything.
"All of you get to the control room and see what is going on," General Hammond ordered.
"Yes sir!" Jack said as he led the contingent to the control room. While they were probably supposed to stay behind, Ranma and Raven followed the others. "Have you received an ISG(?) yet?" the Colonel asked as he strode into the room.
"No, Sir," Sergeant Walter Harriman announced.
"Close the Iris!" Hammond ordered as he followed the two guests in.
"The Iris isn't responding!" the now slightly panicking officer called back.
"Is that wormhole red?" Major Carter asked incredulous. "The wormhole is supposed to be blue, not red!"
"Perhaps it is not connecting to an ordinary Stargate," Teal'c calmly suggested.
General Hammond grabbed the microphone for the Gate Room and ordered, "Evacuate immediately! Start closing the blast doors!" As his orders were followed, three figures stepped out of the gate. A second later, all of the personnel had evacuated the area and the blast doors were in place.
Now that their only way to see into the room was via cameras, everyone huddled around the monitors. They watched in shock as one of the figures, obviously female, screamed and punched one of the blast doors, denting it. Even more surprising was what the figure yelled, "Ranma Saotome! This is all your fault!" Ranma promptly crashed into the floor.
"Do you have an explanation for this, Ranma?" the General asked.
"Um…" Ranma began, scratching his head, "Well, I've never met anyone who looked like her. Her clothing looks like Ryoga's though…"
"Ryoga-chan, calm down." The second humanoid figure began, her voice identifying her as female. "How could this be Ranma-kun's fault?"
"Kasumi?" Ranma asked incredulously, having recognized the voice. 'How could this person be Kasumi? She is covered in metal!' "General Hammond, I think I know who two of those people might be. Can you let me into that room to see if I'm right?"
"I'm sorry, Ranma, but I can't risk compromising base security. I can't allow the blast doors to be opened." Hammond explained.
"I can get him in without the doors opening," Raven offered.
"How?" Samantha asked.
Raven smirked and said, "Magic."
"I don't care how you do it," General Hammond began. "If you two can stop those three from causing any more damage, do it!"
"Gladly," Raven said, before grabbing Ranma and sinking into the floor with him. Only a few seconds passed before the pair became visible in the Gate Room.
"Ryoga, is that you?" Ranma asked upon clearly seeing the pig-girl.
"Ranma, for making me become a pig-girl, prepare to die!" Ryoga-chan bellowed, charging at Ranma.
"How is that my fault?" Ranma demanded, easily dodging the wild charge. The charging pig-girl crashed into a barrier of black energy before she could crash into the other blast door.
"If you hadn't gone on your trip to America, I wouldn't have needed to take Kasumi to the market, and we wouldn't have ended up at Jusenkyo!"
"What are you complaining about? At least you won't be considered a main course anymore!"
At this, Ryoga-chan's anger ebbed and she said, "You do have a point there."
"Hello, Ranma-kun," Kasumi greeted from her place on the ramp. She was indeed covered with mechanical components; however they were not as pronounced as they had once been. "Who is your friend?"
"I am Raven," the Titan answered. She looked into the camera and said, "I think you can open the doors now."
While the group in the Gate room waited for the doors to open, Ranma took a closer look at Kasumi, and noticed that something was different, "Hey, Kasumi, what happened to ya?"
"Oh, you mean my appearance?" the ex-drone asked. "I seem to have been assimilated into what is called the 'Borg Collective,' but I'm getting better now."
Soon the doors opened, and Teal'c walked in, a Zatnicketal at the ready. "Ranma, you are to lead your friends to the Briefing Room," Teal'c announced evenly. "I am to follow in case they intend to cause any harm." This said, Ranma began to lead the odd procession to the Briefing Room.
"How did you two, and that creature that is with you, manage to get here, anyways?" General Hammond asked as the group entered the Briefing Room where he waited with the rest of SG-1.
"Um," Ryoga-chan began, nervously. "I got Kasumi and me a little lost while we were shopping…"
"A little lost!" Ranma demanded. "You managed to get to CHINA! Did you even see a large body of water after you left Japan?"
Kasumi answered, "No, we did not. Apparently I was extremely lucky, though."
"What do you mean?" Doctor Jackson asked.
"Well," Kasumi began. "I fell into a cursed spring while at Jusenkyo, but it didn't change me at all. Poor Ryoga, here, has been cursed twice." What are the chances that Kasumi gets cursed again before the story is over? Place your bets!
"Is it just me, or does the Spring of Drowned Girl seem very popular?" Raven asked rhetorically.
"Chansey!" the egg-like creature spoke up in agreement.
"That doesn't explain how you got here, or what that thing is," Sam pressed, gesturing towards the Borg Chansey.
"Oh my," Kasumi started. "That is just Chansey, a PokeMon that I accidentally assimilated."
"Assimilated?" Jack asked. "You're a Borg!" he declared. "Why does she get to be a Borg while I can't even name the Prometheus 'Enterprise'?"
"Yes," Kasumi explained. "The Borg uses nanoprobes to absorb the uniqueness of individuals into their collective. I had been fighting the urge to assimilate anyone for some time before I accidentally assimilated Chansey here. Now, however, I don't feel that urge at all." All hail the spiffiness that is the Madness Maze…
"I'm sorry to interrupt," Jackson started, "but what is a PokeMon? I have never heard of those before."
"Eh heh," Ryoga-chan laughed nervously yet again. "I think they might belong to a different universe or something…"
"Didn't you say you just got a little lost?" Sam asked. "How did you get into another universe?"
"Some things are better left unknown," Teal'c mentioned wisely. Indeed, their minds could implode if they were to learn the truth. Well, Daniel might be able to withstand it, but he's been dead at least three times and was once (or twice?) ascended.
"Um," Ryoga begin, not sure how to ask for help. "Do you think you could bring Kasumi and me back to the Tendo's? We've been gone for four weeks already."
"Four weeks!" Ranma exclaimed. "But I've only been gone from the dojo for three weeks!"
"Oh my," Kasumi exclaimed. "But we left a week after you did."
Sam makes a note on a list in front of her and mutters, "Let's add time flow inconsistencies to the laws of physics this person has broken…"
"I can drop them off home," Raven offered. "It wouldn't do to waste the taxpayer's money on a taxi for two lost foreigners."
"Can I get some warm water before we leave? I'm tired of being female," Ryoga-chan asked.
"Excuse me, General Hammond," Volanar began. "My former host has recently made enemies that would take advantage of her new weakness, and I was hoping that I could borrow a shield generator for her until her dodging abilities are sufficiently honed."
"I am sorry, but no matter how much I would like to help, I must say no," Hammond stated. "Even though I believe what you say, I cannot allow alien technology to be released into the world. I hope you understand."
"Of course," Volanar replied, only slightly annoyed.
Teal'c bowed his head towards Hammond and said, "Ranma has displayed an interest in sparring with me. If it is acceptable, I would like to do so."
The General looked to both Teal'c and Ranma and said, "You have my consent. Just keep the damage, to both yourselves and the facilities, to a minimum."
"Can I join in?" Ryoga asked. "I have some anger to work out with Ranma."
"I think that would be unadvisable," Volanar stated. "From what I have seen, Ranma's matches with Ryoga typically cause massive amounts of collateral damage."
"I think I'll limit this sparring mach to just Teal'c and Ranma," Hammond decided. Ryoga glared at the two darkly until she was handed a cup of warm water, allowing her to become male for the first time in just less than four weeks.
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The match was held outside, as the rain had stopped recently, and almost all of the base personnel were there to watch the fight. Ranma was currently unarmed, while Teal'c was armed with a Staff Weapon. Granted, he was not planning on using its firepower, but he doubted the practice version would most likely not hold up to Ranma's strength. Sam gave the command, and the two combatants began to spar. They started slowly at first, getting a feel for the other's style.
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The reason General Hammond was not watching the sparring session taking place outside of the SGC was that Dr. Frasier had called him into her office. When he had entered, she got straight to the point, saying, "I have found significant abnormalities in both Ranma's and Raven's blood work."
"What do you mean by that?" Hammond asked worriedly. "Do they pose a danger to the SGC?"
"I'm sorry, Sir, but I don't know," Frasier explained. "Neither of them is completely human"
"Of course Ranma isn't. He's a Tok'Ra."
"Even taking that into account, his genome appears to be only three quarters human. I don't know what the last quarter is, though. Raven is only half human, and I've never seen anything like the other half of her genome before!"
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Back at the fight, Ranma had just relieved Teal'c of his weapon. This was surprising enough for most of the crowd, despite everything they had seen in the past. Even more surprising, however, is that Ranma had used his tail, which had been wrapped around his waist up to this point, to perform the maneuver. When Teal'c tried to grab the Staff Weapon back, he missed and caught the furry appendage instead. Moments later, Ranma was on the ground, snoring.
"O'Neil!" the surprised Jaffa called to his superior officer. "I believe we should bring Ranma to see Dr. Frasier."
"Right," Jack confirmed. "Let's carry him in." Teal'c and Jack picked Ranma's slumbering form up and carried him into the base, heading towards Sickbay. "Dr. Frasier, we've got something that you need to see!"
"What is it?" the doctor asked, walking out of her office.
"Ranma appears to have a tail," Teal'c mentioned calmly.
"He has a tail?" General Hammond asked incredulously as he left Dr. Frasier's office.
"Yes, Sir," Jack confirmed. "I think he had it wrapped around himself as a belt before, so we didn't notice it."
"He's had that for as long as I've known him," Raven commented as she, Ryoga, Kasumi, and Chansey followed Teal'c and Jack into the room.
"Oh my, he didn't have a tail before," Kasumi commented. Not that she'd tell anyone, but she felt that the tail only made Ranma look even cuter.
"Put him on the bed over there so I can examine him," Dr. Frasier ordered.
Teal'c and Jack placed Ranma onto the bed and stepped away. Immediately after his tail had been released, the teen began to wake up. "What happened?" Ranma asked as he came to.
"I was hoping you could tell us," Dr. Frasier said.
"What ever happened, this was the first time." Ranma explained.
"While I'm sure Dr. Frasier would love a chance to study you more, I believe you should get going" Hammond announced. "Colonel, please show them out."
"Yes Sir," Jack said. He led the group back to the entrance of the compound where Ranma spent half an hour picking up his toys. Finally ready to leave, Raven enveloped the group in a sphere of black energy before vanishing completely.