Disclaimer: Do I really have to say this? Lawyers glare Ok, ok mumbles I don't own Harry Potter. Lawyers glare more Fine! I don't own Harry Potter, ok? I said it!
A.N. I am so sorry i haven't updated in ages, but what with exams, and the whole business of having a life, i couldn't get around to it. Plus i've been ruthlessly attcked by plotbunnies. Anyway, i'm on holiday now, so lots of chapters coming up soon. Thanks for being so patient.
'Now what?' came Ron's tremulous voice, and Hermione sighed. 'You go into that cubicle, and I'll tell you what to do from out here'. Ron looked anxious, but complied, knowing what would happen if he tried to argue. He shut himself behind the cubicle door, and nervously whimpered 'You're still there? You won't leave me?'
'Of course I'm here Ron, I'm not going anywhere. Now, I'm going to pass you something, then I'll explain what to do with it' Hermione handed a small white tube over the door. Ron stared 'What the Hell am I supposed to do with this?' Hermione smiled slightly, realising his next reaction would be just a little worse. 'It goes, um, up'.
'Up where?' asked Ron, bemused 'Up…where the blood's coming from'. When the yelling had died away, and Myrtle's laughter had at least subsided (she had been attracted by the screaming, and Hermione had to explain) Hermione tried again. 'Look, I've done it before, and it's my body so you shouldn't have any problem with it' she told Ron, who was still gibbering. 'You just slide it up there, and you're ok for about four hours. Try to be sensible about this, will you?' she asked impatiently.
Ron's weak voice came from behind the door 'I just never thought that the first time I, uh, saw a girl's' he blushed, and Hermione could practically feel the heat coming off him. A thought struck Hermione 'So…you're a virgin?' She asked, grinning 'You and Lavender didn't do it?' 'As if I would' replied Ron, bitterly. 'I never wanted her in the first place'.
There was a long silence, broken by Hermione coughing embarrassedly. 'Well, just brace yourself and ease it up. I, um, clench when I'm nervous, so try to relax or you'll never get anything up there'. It was her turn to blush as she realised how what she had just said must have sounded, but Ron didn't seem to notice. She smiled at his innocence, as his voice came from the other side of the door 'Just relax, Ron, relax, you heard what she said and she's always right, so just do as she says and you'll be fine. Now ease the huge tampon up your…self' he became silent, and emerged a moment later, pulling up his skirt and grinning 'Why did you make such a fuss?' he asked Hermione, who punched him in the arm.
Then her face clouded. 'Um, Ron?' she asked 'Yeah, 'Mione?' Hermione made a face, unwilling to say her next sentence 'I need the toilet'. Ron stared at her. 'Ok…that's, er, nice' he said, trying to work out what she meant. 'Ron' she said pointedly 'I'm in your body'.
Ron looked aghast. 'Oh' he responded. 'I suppose you're just going to have to, uh, do it'. Hermione looked helpless. 'I don't know how!' she wailed. 'Well' Ron began 'You just sort of hold it, and point'. Dear God, thought Hermione. I'm going to see Ron's um, manhood for the first time. I never thought this would be how it would happen.
'Do I really have to do this?' she moaned. 'Um, I suppose I could do the actual, uh, holding, if you're that uncomfortable, 'Mione' replied Ron. She span around and kissed him on the cheek, relieved. 'Oh, Ron, you're such a gentleman' she said, turning her head awkwardly as he unzipped her pants. It did seem very strange to Ron to see, uh, himself from someone else's point of view for a change. 'I've got Hermione Granger's hands wrapped around, um, me, and I'm not even there to appreciate it' he groaned inwardly.
Just then a small first year rushed in, obviously desperate, but when she caught sight of the pair she squeaked and ran out again. They both knew that if they let her escape there would be rumours of Hermione giving Ron a handjob for years, so they ran after her and, despite Ron's protests (she's only titchy! what could she know?) Hermione obliviated her, and she went off looking slightly dazed.
Relieved that they had gotten that sorted out, at Ron's insistence they made their way down to the Great Hall for lunch, as they had missed breakfast, what with, uh, one thing and another. Ron seemed to have brought his appetite along with him into Hermione's body. He was, however, rather aware of the stares he was getting from boys from various tables, seeing as how he was still wearing the unconservative top and skirt. He was particularly aware of a pair of steel grey eyes following his movement from the Slytherin table. He tried to pull his skirt a bit lower over his thighs.
They sat down at the Gryffindor table opposite Harry, who stared at the pair. 'What happened there?' Harry asked incredulously 'Hermione, why on Earth are you wearing such a, well, a Lavender skirt? You were getting gawped at by every guy in here! And Ron, you didn't punch one of them! Even Malfoy was staring, and you let him!' Hermione grinned, loving being right yet again. She knew her body could look good when she tried. Ron felt sick.
They ignored his question, feeling he wouldn't believe them even if they explained. Hermione simply picked at her food, and Ron ate with his usual gusto. Harry continued to stare (although not in the same place Seamus and Dean were staring). They ate until they were interrupted by Harry again. 'Seriously, you two, what's up? Ron's barely touched his food' Hermione glanced down at her almost-full plate 'And Hermione's eating as if it were her last meal!'
'Erm, that's because I'm not feeling well, Har-mate' Hermione replied, nudging Ron, who spluttered, desperately thinking of something Hermione-ish to say. 'Err, well why shouldn't I eat a lot?' He shot 'Is it because I'm a girl? You know not all girls are Lavenders' his voice dripped with distaste. 'I don't need to be stick-thin to be a valuable person, you know! Honestly, BOYS!' Ron stormed out, and Hermione rushed after him, as Harry nodded, glad that everything was back to normal.
'What was that?' Hermione yelled. Ron just grinned at her 'Good, wasn't I? I've seen you do that enough times to know it by heart' Hermione huffed. 'I DO NOT sound like that'. Ron just followed her retreating back, grinning even more widely. His grin was wiped off his face, though, as he realised they were heading back to Hermione's dorm. 'Now' she said, turning to face him, 'You must have seen Malfoy leering at my body at lunch, so this raises my argument. You will have to enter the Slytherin dungeons, get into Malfoy's private chambers and seduce him to find out how to un-do this spell'
Ron opened his mouth to protest, but Hermione wasn't done 'You will not, of course, go all the way with him. I'm sure I don't have to explain to you what I mean. Simply, I am still a virgin, and have no wish for Malfoy to be my first. Especially if I wouldn't even be there' she added, a smile playing on her lips.
Ron stared, dumbfounded. 'But I thought you and Vicky' Ron spat, unable to get the words out. Hermione hit him. 'As if I would!' she grinned 'I never wanted him in the first place'.
'However, as Malfoy hates muggle-borns, we are starting at a slight disadvantage. You have to look smoking, and convince him that I'm so in love with him he won't be able to resist breaking my heart. This is where Parvati comes in, as I've never managed to master those silly Witch-Weekly spells'.
At her words, an excitable Parvati entered, holding her wand and looking eager. 'I'll see you at the common room in an hour' Hermione whispered 'She thinks this is for a date with you. Sorry, but technically you'll be on the date, so it's true. I just won't be there, and Malfoy will'. With that she ran out into the common room to wait until Parvati was done with the terrified Ron, who was eying the wand as if it might explode.