Chapter 2: Meet the Assistant

Disclaimer: I don't own shit or Naruto. I won't own the latter though.

Renji was a man of vice, a man of violence, a man who was…well frankly out of his fucking mind, but for some unexplained reason he was the one that Marie had asked to be her assistant. He could give romantic advice occasionally, but he wasn't the type of romanticist that people who he gave divce to thought he was. He was often at such great places as a brothel, a strip club, or just any place Jiraiya was at; in fact he was a more vulgar speaking Jiraiya. He even wrote his own novels that were the rival of the Ich Icha novels, but Kakashi had never seen them. Now that day he had to do something with Marie, but after a night of partying he had forgotten what it was, so he went to do the only thing that could help him think of it. This just happened to be peeping into the women's onsen, which he happened to be doing at the same time as a certain sanin.

"Just what are you doing here, sukebe," asked jiraiya, omitting the fact that he was trying to do the same thing as Renji.

"What are you fucking retarded, I'm here to look at the women while they bathe same as you," replied Rnji bluntly.

"What makes you think I'm doing that," asked Jiraiya defensively.

"Because you're there and I don't see you training with anyone over in the water," said Renji sounding bored. "Besides, we're both writers, you Icha Icha, mine Sukebe Tales, so I think we both understand each other in a way that no one else besides our readers can understand."

"Your Renji," asked Jiraiya, shocked to be meeting someone who may have been his rival in writing, but had often praised the Icha Icha series and was his greatest ally.

"The one and only, just like you're Jiraiya," replied Renji. "Now I believe we must research for our novel, and maybe our future collaboration."

"I like the way you think Renjis," said Jiraiya giving him a salute as if he were a fellow soldier. "I have another way to get closer though than this."

Renji laughed and said, "I know a way to get so close in there that you can all most taste them."

Naruto and the gang quickly ran around town through all the brothels trying to find Marie's assistant, the infamous sukebe, Renji. At first they were having no luck finding him since the man was one of those rare people who never gave off any scent, the mortal enemy of someone like Kiba. Now all that was left was for them to search the many places of ecchi establishment, which meant the many brothels and pornographic stores of Konoha. Each person of the team found themselves cursing the Sandaime, who was the one who had promoted the business before he was Hokage and let it flourish. During his younger days, Keiji would head with Kakashi into the red light districts of Konoha, looking for the one thing everyman wanted, but only from women of certain caliber. It was before he realized he loved Anko more than he thought and it was those nights that he would show up at Anko's drunk and in a daze, only to be let in and plopped on the couch. Of course she always woke him up early with her special wake up call, a skillet to the head, and then she'd make him cook breakfast. The memories made Keiji rub the back of his head, which didn't escape the notice of Kakashi, who knew the reason why Keiji was rubbing his head.

"Old memories coming up," asked Kakashi smiling. After the constant persuasion and then the night of the great sexual teasing as it had come to be known (might make a great oneshot or something someday.) Kakashi had removed lost the mask so all of his emotions could be clear.

"Yeah the painful ones," laughed Keiji. "Oh I wonder Anko would say if she saw me here, especially knowing that we're married and that she hates perverts. I mean you remember the incident where she found out that Jiraiya was spying on her when she was in the onsen and then she left him for dead. I swear that scared me from making any of the usual suggestions that a guy makes in a marriage, like a possible threesome."

"Yeah, I remember that day when I saw what was left of his battered and bloody body," winced Kakashi as the terrible memory of one of the cruelest beatings he had ever witnessed. "I'm glad that I'm faster than her and never get on her bad side, unless I'm late in which case I have rank."

"Hey you guys found him yet," asked a familiar blond ninja, who was running up to the two men.

"No we haven't found him and we've searched everywhere," replied Keiji rubbing his head from both the memories and frustration. "Where else would a pervert be besides these places?"

"Oh wait, ero-sennin," shouted Naruto as the realization hit him. "Marie told us that Renji writes a book series that has been the rival or ally of the Icha Icha series. Kakashi sempai is there something similar in the writing styles?"

"I don't know about that series, I only read the Icha Icha series and classic novels," replied Kakashi, which made everyone's jaws drop.

"You read something other than the Icha Icha series and it's not the damn series that would help us," said Keiji with a sigh. "Well I don't know, I haven't read the series so I wouldn't be any help either."

"I have," said a voice behind them, which belonged to the quiet ninja, Shino.

"You read such stuff," asked Kiba with eyes the size of dinner plates. It wasn't everyday that you found out something like that about your serious teammate.

"Yes, but I read classics as well," replied Shino. "I can tell you that he uses great descriptive detail in his writings so it's possible that he's observing the female bodies when their naked because he pales in his description about men. I've recently read the Icha Icha series and found the same thing, that the descriptions of the female body were more detailed than the male bodies."

"So that means he does research to," said Kakashi, summing everything up with Kiba who could be a bit slow at things sometimes. "And I do believe that he may be doing a collaborative work with Jiraiya, since I've heard that he praises the Icha Icha series so much in his novels."

"Just what I was guessing," said Naruto smirking. "Well, looks like we have two perverts to stop."

Anko was sorting out a lot of crap from all the emotionless kids who always treated her like they were here superior even telling her how to behave. She got so mad that she beat the living fuck out of every single ROOT member that had gave her crap or even so much as nod their head in agreement. Now it was time for her break and she taught what better way to spend it then to go to her favorite hot spring. Unfortunately that hot spring happened to be the one that Jiraiya and Renji were spying on and she didn't even notice the two perverts admiring her beautiful, sexy body and firm ample breast.

"Now this feels nice," moaned Anko as the warm water soothed her aching muscles.

Renji was admiring her body from the safety of the mist which he concentrated around his general area to mask himself as he admired the many beauties that were around him. If any girl came close he just used a genjutsu to make her believe that there was nothing interesting there. Now, Mitarshi Anko was a name that had gotten known around everywhere due to two things. Number one, she's not a person you want to fight with due to her fighting capabilities and her sadism. Number two, she was so smoking hot, you could cook eggs off her ass cheeks or her chest. Renji, after looking at her body, wished he had some eggs and bacon to do just that. Jiraiya had a constant problem with keeping his nose bleeds down, a thing that had gotten him caught in the first place due to Anko's ability to smell blood from a distance of twenty yards.

"I smell blood," whispered Anko, but her words did not escape Renji's ears and he made his way away from the spot he had preoccupied.

He'd motioned for Jiraiya to come along, but the pervert was too stuck on his note taking, which he had made a habit of doing so that he could prove that it was research. After years of people doubting that it was research, Jiraiya thought that it would be prudent to actually write down his notes instead of just mental memorization. This was his undoing as he soon found himself face to face with the dreaded psycho of Konoha, Mitarashi Anko. A sanin he may be, but a pissed off Anko was she and she whooped his ass as a warm up. The other women, being alerted to the fact that there was a pervert, either ran off or joined Anko in her torture of Jiraiya.

Meanwhile Outside, Naruto and company were trying to get in, but they had met with some resistance in their investigation. Not that the owner of the onsen wouldn't allow them, it was just that she couldn't shut the fuck up about her son who had just become jonin after failing to get noticed. Then Naruto told her who he was looking for and the fact that he was getting him so he could help with the wedding. That was a big mistake because it just made her talk about all the weddings she had gone to and it was finally getting on Keiji's last nerve.

"Look, lady there is someone we have to find urgently because my wife Anko bathes here and if he's peeping on her and she finds out he's a dead man," shouted Keiji. "All we have to do is for you to let us search around and to inform the women that there's a pervert on the loose, not tell us your fucking life story!"

"Oh yes, you two must go in there and protect my establishment from such disreputable men," said the onsen owner as she pointed to the door.

"Alright finally," yawned Kiba waking up from his sleeping. "I needed that talk as much as I need to be trampled by a bunch of women."

As soon as he got to the door it burst open and then, ironically, Kiba was trampled by a bunch of women. Inside they could see Jiraiya still being beaten, but no sign of Renji. The men were thinking about saving Jiraiya, but decided against since Anko herself would be a handful, but among the women who were beating Jiraiya was Temari, Tenten, Shizune, Tsunade, Hinata, Hanabi, Ino, and Sakura. Needless to say, they pitied him, but they didn't want to be stuck in the same boat as him.

"I don't understand," cried Kiba as Neko helped bandage his wounds. "Where could he be, it's like he disappeared off the face of the earth."

"He better have because if I find him he'll be under the face of the earth," swore Anko, which made the guys in the room shudder after remembering Jiraiya's body being sent to the medical ward.

"Please don't kill him," begged Marie. "He may seem bad, but he's not as perverted as he used to be and he's quite good at weddings."

"Just how close are you two," asked Kiba.

"We're good friends and he protects me," replied Marie, blushing at the comment. "He has an amazing since of me being in danger and if you were to draw a kunai on me at a distance of ten feet then he would appear to disarm you."

"Lets test that shall we," said Kiba as he drew his kunai, but it was stopped by Renji's hand and before Kiba could react, Renji brought his hand down on Kiba's neck, rendering him unconscious.

"Well there youa re," said Anko sinisterly as she cracked her knuckles.

"Shit," replied Renji as he saw the sight before him.

Author's note: whatdo you think?