Disclaimer: If I was JK I would be so rich I could pay people to go around ringing bells, saying how great I am. But I'm not, so I can't. You'll just have to trust me. ;-)
A.N. Well, this chapter's going to be a bit confusing. Try to remember that Ron is Hermione, visa versa, and Ginny and Harry don't know this. NB I sail the good ship, I really do, but come on, misunderstandings are great! ;-)
A big, long, fast chapter. Aren't you lucky? Don't expect them this fast for much longer, i'm snowed under in work and I ought to be doing it now, really.
'Ron!' Ginny called, and ran to 'her brother'. 'What happened, uh, Gin?' she asked dazedly. 'Hermione slapped Harry when she saw him kiss me. I think they must be going behind my back.' She buried her head in a furious Hermione's shoulder. Harry looked utterly horrified. 'Ginny! How could you believe that?' he asked, hurt.
'Oh, it makes so much sense! She's your best friend, you've been through so much together, I just always assumed it was Ron she wanted! How could I have been so stupid? How could you do this to me?' she shrieked. Hermione came forwards, glaring at Ron, saying 'I can explain all this, trust me!'. Ginny tutted 'I'm sorry for you too, Ron, but there's no point trying to defend them'.
Ron sighed. 'Can I see 'Ron' for a moment?' he asked tiredly. Ginny glowered at 'her'. 'Not a chance!' she yelled 'You're not hurting him like you've hurt me, you cow!'. Ron scowled at her. He didn't like his little sister calling Hermione names like that, even if she did think she had a good excuse. 'I'm telling you, I can sort this out' he said 'Just give me one minute to talk to 'Ron'.
'NO!' Ginny bellowed furiously 'I know what you're going to say to him. You will NOT hurt my brother like you did me, you evil bitch!'. Hermione gasped and clapped her hand over her mouth, Harry shook his head in disbelief and Ron turned white in shock. Ron had had enough. He couldn't let his sister go on attacking Hermione for something he was fairly certain she hadn't done. At least he desperately hoped Ginny was wrong…but he couldn't wreck his sister's relationship. Not to mention give Harry and Hermione…ideas.
'Hermione didn't slap him, you little monster!' he yelled 'I did!'. Ginny stared at him. 'How is that different?' she bawled back. 'I'm Ron! She and I switched bodies. I hit him because he shouldn't be in your room at this time of night' he hollered, and the other three blinked in astonishment. Ginny stared speculatively at Ron. 'Ok, ok, I believe there's nothing going on with you and Harry' she said, and Ron and Hermione breathed a sigh on relief.
'No-one would make up such a ridiculous story if they were guilty' she laughed. Ron and Hermione were amazed. They hadn't expected this. 'Go on, boys, get out of my room, I'm going to sleep. Shoo' Ginny wafted them out gently, settling for just a relieved hug from Harry, as 'Ron' was there.
A confused Harry said 'I'll be up in our dorm, Ron, mate. Night, Herm' to Ron and Hermione, and slid off down the stairs shaking his head as if trying to get water out of his ears.
'You still want to sleep in the girls dorms?' asked Hermione, still utterly bemused at the past half hour's events. 'Uh. I guess. I don't want your reputation utterly destroyed' he grinned. Hermione hit him on the arm, and pushed him towards a closed door on the other side of the anteroom. Ron shoved it open, and no sooner had the pair got inside, the door snapped shut. Lavender pocketed her wand, smirking.
'We heard everything' she crowed, and Parvati nodded, looking as if Christmas had come early. 'Well, well, well' Lavender drawled, strolling towards the frozen pair 'Hermione Granger has collected the set before me. All four. We never expected it of you. I started that list'. Lavender stuck her hand out briskly, and Ron nervously shook it. Lavender wrenched 'her' by the hand, pulling him into a hug.
'We never thought you'd fit in, Hermie' she sniffed 'But you're truly our sister. Now, to business. What're they like?' she asked eagerly. Ron and Hermione stared at each other, dumbfounded. 'What was I saying about uh, my reputation destroyed?'. Hermione giggled nervously. If those two thought she had got the whole list in two days, the whole school would think it was fact by Monday morning.
'Actually' she began, inwardly grimacing as she waited for Ron to realise what she was doing ''Hermione' hasn't done all of that list. I…wouldn't allow it'. Lavender and Parvati's mouths dropped open. Ron wheeled around, his eyes wide and utterly confused. Hermione wrapped her arms around him protectively. 'Hermione, how long have you and Ron been, I mean, you know, my Gods' Parvati babbled.
Hermione answered for him. ''Hermione has never done Harry, let alone Snape or Malfoy. Have you, 'Mione?' she asked Ron, who shook his head dumbly. If he had ever DARED to talk to her like this, she would have fed him to the Giant Squid, but she needed to get out of there. That wasn't going to happen while Lavender thought there was something she wanted to know, that wasn't being told to her.
'I don't believe it' said Lavender firmly 'Ron and Hermione getting together is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Prove it'. Hermione groaned. Lavender wasn't quite as stupid as she thought. There was only one way she was getting out of this with a tatter of reputation left. Before Ron knew what was happening, she swung Ron around, dipped him in front of the two shocked girls, and pressed her lips gently to Ron's in a chaste kiss.
The girls screamed. Lavender flicked her wand at the door, which burst open. 'Out, out, out!' she insisted. 'Tales of Malfoy and the Chosen one are one thing, but I don't want to see that! Get a room, preferably far, FAR away from this one!'. The pair hurried out as Lavender began to levitate heavy objects towards them, fast.
Hermione shook her head ruefully. 'Sorry, Ron. I really didn't mean to make those two think we were EVER, uh, you know, um, together. I just figured them thinking that was better than them thinking I had been with Malfoy, Snape and Harry. I'm really sorry'. Ron was standing there silently, with his fingers gently resting on his lips, as if he wasn't quite sure what had happened there. 'You kissed me, 'Mione' he said in an odd voice. 'I know, Ron' said Hermione nervously 'I'm sorry. I won't do it again'. A look that Hermione wistfully thought looked like disappointment passed across Ron's face.
''Mione?' Ron asked, still with a voice quite different to his normal one, much higher and squeakier. 'Yes, Ron?' asked Hermione hopefully. 'Where the Hell are we going to sleep tonight? Harry will have locked the boys dorm, we can't go back in yours'. 'Oh' said Hermione 'Well, I don't know. We can't stay with Ginny, she'd have a fit. Somehow I don't think we're her favourite people at the moment. We need somewhere we won't be pestered'.
Ron thought hard. Then he grabbed her hand. 'Come with me' he told her, dragging her gently towards the stairs. Hermione smiled, wondering what was going on. The pair slid down the girls' staircase, Ron still gripping her hand firmly. 'Ron, you don't need to cling quite SO hard' she laughed. Ron loosened his grip, embarrassed 'Last time I slid down these stairs I nearly broke my chin. I was trying to find you. I didn't know I wasn't allowed up there'.
Hermione laughed. 'How many times have I told you to read 'Hogwarts; a history'? Then you'd know all about the school'. Ron shook his head, pulling Hermione out of the portrait hole. 'Nope' he disagreed 'This place isn't in there. It isn't even on the map, so we won't get any bother from Harry'. Ron ignored the Fat Lady, who began shrieking after the two.
Intrigued, and because Ron was still gripping her hand, Hermione followed. After about quarter of an hour of twisting through small corridors and up ancient stairs, they arrived at…a wall. Hermione stared. 'Stand there' Ron told her 'And close your eyes'. Hermione did as he asked. They were alone in a dark corridor, which hardly anyone ever came down, in the dead of night. If it was anyone else, she wouldn't have dared.
After a minute or two, she felt Ron's hand on her back, guiding her forwards. She heard the click of a door opening, and opened her eyes. She gasped.
'Damn! This wasn't what I asked for' said Ron shyly behind her. 'Language, Ron' Hermione corrected absentmindedly, staring around. There was a huge room in front of her, decked out in Gryffindor colours. There was a log fireplace roaring merrily, with a large squashy red couch in front of it. At the other end of the room was a massive four poster bed with a ruby covering, and big piles of gold pillows.
Hermione strode in, pulling open an old-looking oak wardrobe. It was full of clothes, most of which she recognised as similar to either her own or Ron's. 'Ron, this is brilliant!' she told him. Ron looked proud, and she yawned. 'I'm going to bed, now, Ron' she told him, clambering up the bed and snuggling under the heavy duvet. 'Right. Good idea' he said, standing awkwardly at the foot of the bed.
'What are you doing?' she asked, amused, as Ron continued to hover nervously. 'Come here!'. Ron stared at his feet. 'I think I'll sleep on the couch, tonight, 'Mione. I'm uh, cold' he ended lamely. Hermione smiled, and slipped out of the bed after Ron who was almost running towards the sofa, grabbing his hand. 'I'll make sure you're not cold' she promised, pulling him back to the bed. Ron still looked unsure. Hermione frowned. 'Please, Ron. I don't want to sleep all alone, I'll be too nervous to sleep. I need you'.
Resignedly, Ron climbed up to join her. Hermione smiled. 'You're a kitten, really' she said to no-one in particular. Ron raised an eyebrow. 'You're not the boss of me' he insisted childishly. Hermione grinned. 'Of course not. You're on the couch right now. This bed is just a figment of your imagination. So am I' she told him, snuggling closer to him.
Ron blushed. This situation was in fact just like a scene he had imagined many a time for the past four or five years. He wasn't about to admit that, though. 'I don't do everything you tell me' he said to cover his embarrassment. 'Certainly not' she replied. 'If you did you'd get straight o's in ever class'.
Ron growled. 'I'm here because I'm concerned about you as a friend. You asked me to sleep with you. I'm here because I want you to feel safe'. Hermione looked up at him with a strange smile playing on her lips. 'I know, Ron. I was just teasing you. Go to sleep'. Ron closed his eyes, mollified. Hermione shifted closer, breathing deeply. Ron wasn't the only one who could fantasise.
A.N. Sorry if you thought I was a little harsh on Ginny there, and she didn't mean what she said, but as a redhead and a Weasley, she does rather have a temper.