Summary: DBZ/FMA X-over. Sequel to my Alchemy and Saiyans fic. Chi-Chi decides to have Gohan learn alchemy, so she sends him to Amestris.
Disclaimer: freakinCRAZY, BritKit, and it walks alone are sitting at a cafeteria table
freakinCRAZY: (works on homework)
it walks alone: (scribble scribble)
BritKit: (scribble scribble pause) ...Ya know...
IWA: Hmm?
BK: It's getting easier to write Envy...
IWA: Mm-hmm...
BK: It's a bit like writing you...
IWA: (pause) ...Is that a compliment or an insult?
BK: I'm not sure... I mean he is a bad guy...
IWA: But I like Envy!
BK: I like his hair...
IWA: (laughs) Envy is a palm tree!
FC: (shoots BK & IWA a weird look)
BK: But it's all long and stuff...
IWA: He's still a palm tree!
BK: ...However the miniskirt isn't working for me.
FC: (perks up at the word "miniskirt", then goes back to homework)
IWA: I think he wears short under it. Skintight shorts.
BK: ONE WOULD HOPE! That and the whole belly shirt.
IWA: Halter top.
BK: It's a halter top? But you can see his whole stomach...
FC: (realizes what she's hearing) Waitasecond HE?
BK: Yup. Envy's the bad guy. He wears a miniskirt and a belly shirt.
IWA: Halter top.
BK: Halter top slash belly shirt. And boots—Does he wear boots?
IWA: No. He has cloth wrapped around his feet.
BK: Oh. No boots then.
IWA: Nope.
FC: This is the BAD GUY?
BK & IWA: Yup.
FC: o.o
IWA: I think I drew a picture of him in my English packet... (opens docket, starts taking papers out) (flips through papers) Nope... (keeps taking papers out)
(Paper pile grows)
FC: ... (sweatdrop) You don't have to show me...
IWA: (from behind papers which reach over her head) But it's here somewhere...
BK: ...It walks alone?
IWA: Yes?
BK: How do you fit that (gestures to the pile of papers o' doom) into a 2-inch wide docket?
IWA: ...Trade secret. And I still don't own DBZ, FMA, Ed, or Envy. And probably never will. (sighs)
BK: There there... It's OK... (pats IWA on the back)
Review Responses:
Yami no Hikari-Chan: I don't live for it, per se, but it's a benefit!
Vyrexuviel: Well, she is cute. Doesn't mean I have to like her. But you haven't given me any reason not to, so... Anyway, the door is alchemically reinforced. What would you expect, with Ed living there?
WildfireDreams: Manga, if I can. But I have started buying the anime, so some aspects of that may show through.
Kunoichi Fukanaga: Feel free to do that manga! I'd love to see it! (So would my friends...) ..And sorry, but I'm not really into Elricest...
audreonna: Well, thanks! It's supposed to be funny, so if you're laughing the whole time, that's a good thing!
"Speaking" Thoughts (Me to you)
Last time:
"Hi Al. Hi Ed. ...My head hurts..."
The Elric brothers sweatdropped.
Chapter 5: Revenge of the Lieutenant (BK: Dun dun dunnnn... IWA: Get out of my title, you! (chases BK with a very blunt object))
First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, carrying a new stack of paperwork for Mustang, walked up to his office and pushed the door open.
"Sir, I have so—" She cut herself off, staring at the rather large stack of paperwork on top of Mustang's desk. Said Colonel was nowhere to be seen.
Riza slowly walked forward and picked up the top sheet from the pile. It was a note to her from the Colonel.
"Lieutenant,
"I'm sorry about this, but I've been called off to do some inspecting in a small town in the East area. I'll be back in a few days. Until then, as it would be completely impractical to send me any paperwork that happens to accrue, I'm leaving it to you." Riza's eye twitched. "I'm sure you'll do an excellent job.
Colonel Roy Mustang"
Riza stared at the note for a minute.
She put the note back on the pile, added Mustang's previous pile to hers, then turned and walked out, planning to do the paperwork in her own office.
She also made sure to post a notice on Mustang's door that said to send anything requiring the Colonel's signature to her.
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The next day, Al went to visit Riza and Black Hayate while Ed and Gohan visited Major Armstrong (and, incidentally, Hughes) for advice on what to teach the demi-Saiyan. Needless to say, Gohan was soon being tormented by pictures of Elicia, all the while sweatdropping hugely. Is this what Mom is like to people outside the 'family'? Well, definitely more violent, but...
Meanwhile, Ed and Armstrong were, in essence, gossiping (with Hughes' occasional input) about how pissed Riza's going to be when Mustang gets back ("Come on, she's not gonna get any more pissed than she already is!") and how dead Mustang's going to be when he gets back. ("Swiss cheese." "Yup." "Mm-hmm.")
Gohan was still sweatdropping.
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That night, Al was cooking, (obviously... I mean, they have a Saiyan in the house!) Ed was teaching Gohan, (or attempting to, anyway...) and Gohan was learning. (Again, trying to.) Alchemy was much more difficult than anything he'd taken before.
Suddenly, the phone rang, causing everyone to jump.
"Nii-san, could you get that?"
"Sure." Ed got up from the table, (which was half-submerged under alchemy papers and books) walked over to the phone, and picked it up. "Yeah?"
"Ahh, Fullmetal."
"Well, if it isn't Colonel Sarcasm. What the hell do you want?"
"I'll be getting back early. In other words, tomorrow. I want you to meet me in my office as soon as I'm back."
Ed growled. "I hate you. Fine."
/click/
000000000000000(Yeah, I know, lots of breaks. Deal with it.)000000000000000
By 10:00 AM the next day, Ed was being bored in Mustang's office, Gohan was somehow awake and with Armstrong and Havoc, Al was off visiting Black Hayate again, and Envy was sneaking into the military HQ. Through a window, no less.
000000000000000Envy's POV000000000000000
Let's see... I'm trying to figure out where ochibi-san will be... so I need to find a folder or something...
Envy smirked and knocked out a random military person who had a folder. This looks important. He shifted into a street-person's form with one major distinction: the person was now wearing a military uniform.
Envy started wandering around. Let's see... Flame Colonel's office...
About twenty minutes later, he was still wandering.
Well, crap. I have no idea where I'm going. And I think I've seen that piece of wall before...
He stopped a woman going the other way. (Sheska, actually .)
"Excuse me, but could you tell me the way to Colonel Mustang's office please?" he asked her, inwardly screaming at himself for asking help from a human and restraining his urge to kill her. (BK: Supposedly it's fatal for men to ask directions. IWA: THAT would explain a lot.)
"Oh, sure!" she chirped. "Go to the end of this hallway and take a right. It's the big double doors on your left. You can't miss 'em. But the Colonel's not here right now. If you've got something for him to sign, give it to First Lieutenant Hawkeye."
"Thanks!" Envy called over his shoulder, already walking off. "I'll do that."
"Hey... I've never seen you around here before..."
He waved. "I'm new!"
00000000000000Ed's POV0000000000000000
Soooo... booored... Why couldn't Mustang say WHEN he was gonna get here! Ed glanced up and saw the desk. An evil grin formed. Hmm...
000000000000000Envy's POV000000000000000
Okay... End of the hall... Take a right... Big double—Bingo!
Envy pressed his ear to the door. Let's see... Anyone in there?
000000000000000Ed000000000000000
Crap... Crap... Crap... Damn. Why doesn't Mustang keep any interesting papers in his desk?
Ed scowled as he tossed another paper back in the drawer it came from.
...And now I'm even more bored.
Well... Nothing's in there, so I guess it's clear, Envy thought.
The sin slowly started to open the door.
Ed hearing the door start to open, looked up.
Shit! he thought, shoving loose papers back in their drawers and darting behind the door.
Mustang wouldn't sneak into his own office! I can usually hear him all the way down the hall!
Envy poked his head in. No one there... No one there... He spotted the desk. jackpot!
He trotted over to the desk, dropping the disguise on the way, and started going through the desk, much like Ed had just done.
Ed, meanwhile, had nearly choked when Envy shifted back into his own form.
Holy shit! It's Envy! Damn, where's Gohan when you need him! he thought frantically. He clapped his hands softly so Envy wouldn't notice, then transmuted part of the wall into a spike shooting straight at Envy's back.
Envy's head turned a bit, and he jumped over the spike, which crashed through Mustang's fourth desk in only a couple weeks and the window. Poor desks. Poor Mustang.
Envy landed on the spike, facing Ed. "Ha ha, what's wrong, ochibi-san? You missed."
"Shut up, Envy! What are you doing here, anyway!"
Envy considered the question. "Well, actually, ochibi-san, I was looking through the Flame Colonel's desk."
"I know that! Why!"
Envy chuckled. "You're cute when you're angry, you know that?"
"Shut up and answer the goddamn question!"
"Well, I can't do both at once, now can I, ochibi-san?"
Ed, completely fed up with Envy by this point, charged, transmuting his arm into his blade.
Envy snickered, transformed his arm into a blade, and leaped forward (and slightly to the side) to meet him.
000000000000000back outside000000000000000
Mustang had come back and was approaching Havoc, Armstrong, and Gohan when Hughes came up behind him.
"Roy-kun!"
"Stay away from me, Hughes. I don't want to see an—" the window exploding cut him off.
They all looked up, shielding themselves from falling glass. Papers fluttered out from the newly-opened window.
"Oh, they didn't..." Mustang moaned.
"I think they did," Havoc replied.
"MY WINDOW!"
Mustang bolted through the front door.
000000000000000upstairs, in Mustang's office000000000000000
Ed and Envy were still fighting when Mustang slammed the door open.
The two combatants froze.
Mustang's eye twitched. "My... desk..." he stuttered. His gloved right hand came up.
Ed, who was facing the Colonel, paled and dropped to the floor. By this point, he had developed an instinctive reaction to Mustang's temper: When Mustang raises his hand, you hit the floor. Period.
Envy, with his back to the Flame, (Suicidal move there, Envy.) was totally clueless. He sighed and put his hands on his hips. "Ochibi-san, what are you—"
/snap/
/FWOOM/
/crisp crackle/
Ed glanced up and saw a giant scorch mark along the spike he'd formed earlier leading out the window. His antennae-like hair was singed and Envy was nowhere to be seen.
"Holy shit."
000000000000000outside (again)000000000000000
Havoc, Hughes, Armstrong, and Gohan watched nervously as a giant flame shot out of Mustang's window along the spike.
"Well, I guess it's safe to say that Mustang got up there," Havoc commented, understating the obvious as usual.
"I hope Ed is okay..." Gohan said.
"He will be!" Hughes assured him.
The flame stopped and a charred body flew out the window. Halfway down, blue lights flashed around it, and it turned into Envy. He managed to twist himself around enough to land on his feet.
"Damn! I don't see what he's so pissed about. It's just a desk." He noticed the people standing behind him. "Hi!"
Gohan was the first to recognize him. "You!"
"Yup—me!" Then Envy recognized him. "...Hey! It's the chivalrous guy!" Realizing this, Envy turned into the whore-ish girl form he'd used on the demi-Saiyan before. Armstrong got a nosebleed. Havoc fainted.
"Gracia is prettier!" Hughes informed Envy, who glared at him, then turned and smiled sweetly at Gohan.
"Now you won't hit me!"
"You know, that doesn't work once I know you're evil incarnate."
"Damn. There goes that safe ticket." He shifted back to his normal form. "Y'know, I never got an answer as to who you are. So who are you?"
Gohan started forming a tiny ki-blast in an upturned palm. "The person who's going to ki-blast you three ways from next Thursday, that's who." (IWA: Don't try to understand it. BritKit wrote it. BK: Hey! IWA: (rolls eyes) And it wasn't meant to make sense, either.)
Envy stared at the now baseball-sized ball of energy.
"...Shit."
He turned and bolted away.
Gohan, grinning manically, followed, taking every precaution he had to to make sure Envy wouldn't notice. The sin didn't. However, he did run practically halfway across the city with Gohan and the slowly-but-steadily growing ki-blast tailing him. Eventually, Envy found Lust.
"Lust! You'll never guess what that kid can do!"
"What kid?"
"The chivalrous one!"
"You mean the one standing right behind you?"
"Yeah, that—Wait, what!" Envy yelped, spinning around.
Gohan was standing about 10 feet behind him, grinning like a maniac. He waved at the two sins, then dropped (not threw) the basketball-sized ki-ball and vanished.
"I hate my life," Envy muttered, pouting. (IWA: What life?)
000000000000000outside the HQ again000000000000000
Gohan IT'd in, startling Hughes. (Armstrong was trying to wake up Havoc.)
"Where'dya go?" he asked the demi.
/KABOOOOM/
A giant yellow dome exploded in the distance.
"There."
They all stared. (Havoc had woken up.)
"What did you say you were again?" Hughes asked nervously.
000000000000000back in Mustang's office000000000000000
Ed had scrambled out as soon as he possibly could, so Mustang was alone in his office, kneeling before his hollowed-out desk in mourning.
/click/
"Hello, sir."
Mustang froze, then sloowly turned his head until he was looking down the barrel of a gun.
"He—hello, Riza..." he stuttered, standing up.
The gun followed him.
"You're back early, sir."
"Now, Riza, let's be reasonably..."
Riza grinned maliciously. "I'm very reasonable, sir, you know that."
"I don't suppose me treating you to dinner will, ah, appease you?"
"Not unless it's that new, formal, 7-star restaurant that just opened on East street."
"...Hawkeye, a meal there costs more than what I make in five years."
"Exactly, sir."
"...God help me."
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...And somehow, Mustang remains in one piece. A miracle, isn't it? Especially when Riza's extremely pissed off, as she is in the above scene. But we can't go losing our comic relief, now, can we? (snickers) Anywho, please leave me a review on your way out.