A/N: I've decided to (hopefully quickly) write another one of these! I've had several people asking me to have Egbert portray everyone's favourite non-internet-browser fire foxes…enjoy.
The World of Pokémon: Tales of Ninetailstales
"Hello yet again to my very own documentary, The World of Pokémon! Which is more than Nigel Bletchingdon's ever had!" Egbert said angrily, shaking his fist at the ground. He then turned back to the camera, smiling.
"Today, we're atop the mysterious Mt. Pyre," he said, waving his hands and speaking in a "ghost-like" fashion on the word mysterious, "where we'll be learning more than you ever wanted to know about the Fox Pokémon, Vulpix and Ninetales! And first off, let's start by clearing up a common, and extremely annoying misconception about them," he said, rubbing his temple as he did. He then turned to the camera and pleaded, "its tales, ok, tales! Think of it as "Ninetales has nine tales to tell", not "Ninetails has nine tails to yank"! Actually, I knew a guy who yanked a Ninetales' tail once, and – well, let's just say he aint going anywhere near any dungeons again…"
"Wait!" he gasped suddenly, dropping down to the grass to hide, "I think I've spotted one! Wait – yes! Look, over there! A wild Vulpix!" He gasped. The camera span to reveal the small fox, cleaning itself nearby.
"Get down, you idiot!" Egbert hissed at the cameraman, and he fumbled as he moved to the floor, keeping the camera on the Vulpix. Naturally the movement didn't go unnoticed.
"Vul?" it said questioningly, turning to face directly into the camera.
"Now unfortunately there's no way of telling whether this is a male or female Vulpix," Egbert said off screen, "as they officially have no gender differences – hey wait, what about when they – you know – no, don't turn round to show the camera!" Egbert cried, as the camera span to him making a gesture involving two index fingers and a thumb. The camera immediately turned back to the Vulpix, still staring at the camera.
"Also of interest, is the fact that almost every single Pokédex entry for Vulpix lists it as being born with a single, white tail, but then the darken in colour, and the pokémon grows more as it grows older," Egbert said. The camera turned to face him.
"And…why is that interesting?" the cameraman asked, with the distinct voice of a bored teenager.
"I was getting to that, if you'd have let me finish! It's of interest because not a single human has ever been known to see a Vulpix with anything less than six, red- OMG THAT THING ONLY HAS THREE WHITE TAILS, FILM IT NOW!" Egbert screamed, leaping from the bushes, and pointing at the pokémon, but when the camera had turned round, the six, red-tailed pokémon was bounding off. The camera turned back to Egbert's nervous face.
"But it – but it did! I'm telling you, it only had three tails, and they were snow white!" Egbert wailed.
"Right…"
"Oh…just forget it, let's follow it," Egbert sighed, traipsing through the grass in the direction of the Vulpix. At this point the camera cut.
When it came back on, several hours had passed, judging by the deep blue colour of the sky.
"Er – hello viewers. Sorry about the delay, but we had a bit of trouble finding the Vulpix again – but it was his bloody fault, if he wasn't so frigging slow!" Egbert yelled, pointing at the cameraman.
"Excuse me! Who was it who kept saying "let's just sit down for five minutes"!?" the cameraman asked, with a passable imitation of Egbert.
"Cameramen are to see, not be heard!" Egbert retorted bitterly, "Anyway viewers, we've tracked the Vulpix down, and we're at a safe distance, just in time for a truly remarkable event! It seems the Vulpix is about to become a Mummy! Zoom in, zoom in! Not on me, the eggs!" Egbert wailed, as the world was treated to a close-up of his nostrils.
The first of the eggs began to glow, and out popped a baby Vulpix.
"Just look at that beautiful baby! It has six red tails, but- oh, and here comes the second one!" Egbert whispered excitedly, as the second egg began to glow. However, this time out popped a-
"Sloooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwpoke," the baby pink pokémon yawned.
"Um, it's a Slowpoke – wait, those aren't even in the same egg group as Vulpix are they – and members of the Slowpoke family can't even be found anywhere near Mt. Pyre! Well…let's just see what comes out of this third egg…" Egbert sighed, as the final egg began glowing, soon erupting into a magnificent baby pokémon.
"Oh my. I don't even know what that is!" Egbert gasped.
"I think it's called Heatran," the cameraman said delicately, as the Lava Dome legendary casually walked away from the scene, with both Vulpix and the Slowpoke watching it walk away.
"Never mind, just forget it, just put it out of you head, Eg'," Egbert muttered, as the camera turned to face him once more, "Now, since it's impossible to find Ninetales in the wild-" Egbert said tentatively, quickly looking from side to side, apparently to make sure that no Ninetales were about to appear, "-we'll have to tweak the circumstances," Egbert sad, fumbling in his pockets, and dropping a set of keys that went unnoticed, as he pulled out a Fire Stone.
"Hey, um, isn't it strictly illegal to, you know, um, force a wild pokémon to evolve?" the cameraman asked.
"Oh, pffsh! Don't be so ridiculous. Now, we'll just roll this out to it and…yes!" Egbert exclaimed happily, as the baby Vulpix began to glow bright white, transforming into a glorious Ninetales.
"Now, normally we'd have just doomed this pokémon to life in the wild, because Ninetales have a very limited movepool, learning most of their moves during their time as a Vulpix. Indeed, apart from being taught moves by humans, the only move Ninetales can learn is Fire Spin, and sometimes it can't even learn that," Egbert pointed out.
At this point the Ninetales stood up, facing Egbert angrily, its tails high in the air, as it gave off its shrill cry.
"Ah yes – Ninetales are also known to be able to understand human speech better than any pokémon – a, uh – a truly remarkable feat, showing that Ninetales is, perhaps, the single most intelligent pokémon," the naturalist said carefully, and the Fox Pokémon backed down, though it still hiccupped a Will-O-Wisp.
"Of course…anyway, though it does have quite a lack of moves, Ninetales may be one pokémon that doesn't need them – it has its own unique kind of defence that couldn't be seen in ordinary battle – its curse," Egbert said solemnly.
"Actually, um, there kind of is an attack called Curse-" the cameraman pointed out.
"Not that kind of curse! No, when one pulls a Ninetales tail, you are certain to be cursed for 1000 years…and now this is the part where I'm either a) wrong or b) cursed…" Egbert sighed, but as the Kricketot began to chirp, nothing happened.
"Oh," Egbert said happily, "Then let's carry on. Ninetales are also known for their remarkable life spans – up to 1000 years! In fact it's possible the only reason the curse stops working is because it's dead. Yes, this beauty has got a long life ahead of it," Egbert said, putting the Ninetales gingerly. As he did so, it collapsed.
"Uh – I think it's dead," the cameraman said simply.
"No! That's impossible!" Egbert wailed, "Well…I suppose we'd better call the RSPCP…" Egbert sighed.
"Well look on the bright side; sure everything went wrong, but you didn't get physically hurt this time," the cameraman pointed out, and Egbert's spirits rose.
At this point the Vulpix showed up again, and blasted Egbert with a dose of Confuse Ray.
"Oh my…Lady Thatcher!" Egbert muttered, as he dizzily span around.
It then proceeded to blaze him with Flamethrower, however in his confused state he didn't even notice.
Next he collapsed onto the dead Ninetales, cuddling up with its tails, and inadvertently yanking them. He instantly vanished from the spot.
"Um…Egbert's out…" the cameraman said.
Disclaimer: No Ninetales were harmed during the making of this documentary. As usual, the only thing to come to harm is Egbert.
A/N: Wow, I actually got his name right the whole way through this. And if you're wondering, Egbert will be back…though not in time for next chapter, with special guest host Nigel Bletchingdon (refer to earlier in this chapter)! See ya!