Well, I know I haven't updated in quite a long time, but who cares. This is the end of the Akatsuki story...and the world as we know it. No not really, but when I am grown up, I will morph two animals (like that dude in FMA did with his daughter and that dog) and make a real flying pig. Assuming, the pig is a lightweight and it is a very big bird, of course.

They'd failed. They had ALL failed. Itachi and Deidara couldn't get their hair gel and had been kicked out of the store, Zetsu had been mistaken for Johnny Depp and absolutely could not get that one guy to understand that all he wanted was some meat, Hidan and Kakuzu were on the run from the paparazzi because they were apparently "the designers" of the wonderful costumes that had sprang out from stores that Halloween, Sasori had been mistaken for a pregnant lady, and Kisame, well, he'd been knocked out in the first place so he doesn't really matter anymore. He just went along for the ride.

So they all returned to the car..all very dejected...and each carrying nothing. Well, except Sasori. He had at least $200 worth of newborn clothes in several bags. The lady had insisted that he get enough while he could. Everybody seemed to be having babies...

This time around, Deidara decided to hand over the wheel to Itachi, who was a much calmer and better driver than he could ever hope to be. However...he was wrong...very wrong...

Itachi, being the crazed half-blind (1) maniac that he was, didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of El Padro and Main. And, unfortunately for him, this was a school crossing section too. Being the end of the school day, these kids were all crossing it. Itachi didn't see them cough cough and nearly ran one kid over, thus resulting in the kid slipping over and his skateboard shooting out from under him, breaking through the backseat window and hitting the newly awakened Kisame on the head, thus knocking him out...AGAIN.

"Ah sht sht sht! How are we gonna explain this one to the Leader?!" Sasori screamed, trying to plug the hole with several newborn baby outfits.
"WE'RE GONNA SAY THAT UNNAMED CHICK DUDE DID IT, UNN! GAWD DANNA, YOU MUST BE A BRICK OR SIX SHORT OF A LOAD!"
"ITACHI, WATCH THE FCK OUT!" Hidan and Kakuzu screamed.

Itachi apparently, didn't hear them, and ran over the cop that came to shoot them with tranquilizer darts, effectively killing them. He careened madly around the intersections, laughing and screaming gibberish at all the pedestrians walking by, until...finally, and without further mishap, he hit the brakes hard...and they were back in the Akatsuki...

They tiptoed inside. Sasori had done some fancy Genjutsu work to make the shattered window look like it had never been broken. He was the only one who could actually do this because Hidan and Kakuzu were both carrying Kisame, who was really heavy and needed two people, Zetsu was looking at his reflection in the garage mirror and murmuring to himself "Do I really look like John E. Depth? (2)", and Itachi and Deidara were having a heated discussion over who was the better (and more sane) driver. Now the glass looked fine...he really hoped that the Leader didn't bother to check too closely.

Inside they heard loud voices. VERY loud voices. Voices that they clearly recognized. One was the Leader, and the other was clearly Orochimaru. They were having an argument, judging by the tones of their voices. But why? Leader and Orochimaru NEVER argued..either the Leader was seriously drunk and pissed at something, or Orochimaru was seriously drunk and pissed at something, or they were BOTH seriously drunk and pissed at something. They all hoped it wasn't the third option...

They crept into the kitchen, peeking around the corner of the doorway to watch. And they were right...Orochimaru and the Leader both had sake cups in their hands and they were making mad gestures about things. Apparently, they had just gotten into the tail end of the discussion, for finally Orochimaru stood up, threw his sake over the Leader, and screamed, with tears everywhere, "YOU MONSTER! I TRY TO MAKE YOU SEE THE TRUTH AND YOU DON'T LISTEN! I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU NEVER COME BACK! NEVER!"

The Leader raised an eyebrow. "You do know, Orochimaru-san, that I am the one who has established the Akatsuki, and that I have recruited you as a member, and now, since we have come to our differences, YOU will be the one going on your way, not me. I have given you lodgings here because you have helped me in the past. But since we cannot seem to bridge this rift between us, I am afraid, Orochimaru-san, I will have to let you go."

"Uh...but this is my house too..."
"No it's not. You just rent a room. NOT GET OUT!"
"But...But...But I thought what we had was SPECIAL!"
"IT NEVER WAS! NOW GET OUT BEFORE I..BEFORE I...BEFORE I SET THE DARKNESS ON YOU!"
"If that's the way it is...then I will leave...But be warned, I will never be with the Akatsuki ever again, and I will fight against you!"
He turned to leave.
"You do know, Orochimaru-san, that you will leave the ring here?"
"NANI?! (3) BUT I WANT TO KEEP THE RING!"
"Technically, that also belongs to the Akatsuki. Now hand it over before I let Zetsu eat your hand."
"But...this ring...it was a symbol of our bond together! I can't just let it go!"
"Actually, yes you can. And no it wasn't. In case you haven't noticed, I've given everybody in the Akatsuki a ring. But that doesn't mean I've gone and slept with Sasori or anything!"
"Well, yeah! Because Sasori is like 40 years old!"
"Actually, Orochimaru-san, you're older than he is."
"ACK! WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS FORMALITY! I THOUGHT...I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND DRINKING BUDDIES, NOT...NOT...FORMAL PEOPLE!"
"We're not. But get out. NOW."
"You're...You're such a MONSTER!" And Orochimaru left...sobbing and screaming how the world was so unfair...

"So...umm...Leader?" Itachi asked later at dinner.
"Yes, Itachi?"
"What was that whole episode all about?"
A smirk appeared on the Leader's face. "Ahh...Orochimaru and I just have many differences and that was one of them."
"Leader, unn?"
"Yes, Deidara?"
"What was the difference between you and him, unn? And what did he mean by "something special?""
"Deidara, he thought we were friends, like best friends, because he was the first Akatsuki recruit. But we weren't. In the long run, I never did like him. shudder He's like a long-tongued, snake-like version of Michael Jackson. With the nose."
"What were you arguing about?" Hidan and Kakuzu both said in unison.
"A thing that has been a difference between us for years."
"Will you tell us?" Sasori asked, curious.
"Unfortunately, Sasori, this is a personal issue, and cannot be revealed to the Akatsuki at this time. I am truly sorry, but I cannot reveal this. Not yet."
"Ahhh..."

During the whole meal, Kisame had not said a single word. That was odd, since he was normally the one who contributed most to dinner discussions. After dinner, Leader said...
"Kisame...why are you so green?"

Kisame had just shaken his head. Deidara had started to crack up and then he said, "He looks more purple to me!" (4)

The next morning...

"DEIDARA? ITACHI? I WANT TO HAVE A TALK WITH YOU!"
"Yes...L-Leader?"
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"
"IT WAS ITACHI'S FAULT, UNN! IT WASN'T ON MY DRIVING THAT THE SKATEBOARD WENT THROUGH THE WINDOW!"
"IT WAS DEIDARA'S FAULT! HE ALMOST CRASHED THE LEXUS ON THE ONE HILL!"
"I DON'T CARE WHO DID IT! GET IT FIXED! NOW! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR TWO WEEKS!"
"Aw...Leader...but..."
"NO BUTS! DO IT! NOW!"

And so went the life of the Akatsuki, with Deidara and Itachi being grounded from criminal pursuits for two weeks, Zetsu decided to go vegetarian, Kisame resolved that he would go to the Cloud Village and learn how to fly a cloud so that he didn't have to hassle with the traffic and potential accidents on the road, Hidan went Buddhist, and Kakuzu...well, he kept trying to light one too many incense sticks in Hidan's room so that he got high on the smoke and hopefully set himself on fire by standing too close to the stick to smell it. All was well in the world...until Itachi went outside one day to water the plants as part of his punishment, looked up to see the sunset, and saw an army of...what were those? They looked too big to be birds, and he was sure they weren't Deidara's. Deidara was inside doing laundry. He squinted. Then his eyes widened.

"Oh shit no..."

"AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEADER! THE FLYING PIGS HAVE ARRIVED!"
"AUGH! I KNEW THEY WOULD COME BACK TO GET ME ONE DAY! EVERYBODY INSIDE, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FRY THE BACON!"

1. My friend and I thought that since Itachi used Sharingan all the time, he would soon be blind and need glasses.

2. Because Zetsu doesn't really know who Johnny Depp is, and if he hadn't seen the name on the cover of a magazine near the meat stand, he wouldn't have known how to sign the guy's head and not be exposed as a fraud. But, since he has the memory span of a spork, he couldn't remember how he spelled it. Thus, John E. Depth.

3. Nani means what...if you didn't know that already

4. What color does a blue fish turn when it is sick? Purple! D

Don't ask about the flying pigs. Just don't ask. Feel free to use flying pigs. No copyright, for once. Go ahead and use my idea. I don't mind. But mark my words, one day, pigs WILL FLY!

No I'm not crazy. D. Read and review and there will be one last chapter to this story. A blooper, if you will. To be updated soon...