Author's Welcome: Hey, everybody, welcome back! This is the second in my POTC parody series, serving as a sequel to Parody of the Black Pearl. Running gags and such carry over. This was originally published in 2006, and is currently undergoing revision. Once again, this is co-authored by my brother. We present to you, Dead Man's Parody!
Most Definitely NOT in the Wedding Plans
It's raining in Port Royal. Elizabeth is sitting on some random grass in a wedding dress, holding a boquet of flowers and looking mighty distressed. Then she sees some soldiers arresting Will.
Elizabeth: Will, what did you do at your bachelor party?
Will: Nothing! I mean, that's not why they're arresting me… I mean, what bachelor party?
Elizabeth: I think it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the wedding.
Will: I think it's bad luck for the groom to be arrested before the wedding.
Governor Swann: Move! Let me through!
Governor Swann pushes past the soldiers and hurries towards Will and Elizabeth. Two soldiers bar his way with their spears.
Governor Swann: Hey, stop that. Who's in charge here anyway?
Beckett: Me!
The governor looks around, trying to find the source of the voice.
Governor Swann: Who? Where?
Beckett: Down here.
Governor Swann: Cutler Beckett?
Beckett: Hey, that's Lord Beckett. Say it. Lord Beckett.
Governor Swann: Lord Beckett.
Beckett: Yay! Don't you just love the way that sounds?
Will: Not particularly. Does anyone have an umbrella? The rain is messing up my hair.
Elizabeth: Screw your hair. It's not even real hair anyway. And we've got bigger problems, metaphorically speaking.
Beckett totally misses the short joke. Instead he just starts searching his pockets.
Beckett: Oh, drat, I know I had them around here somewhere…
Mercer: Lord Beckett, did you lose the warrants?
Beckett: Um…
Mercer: After you begged to be the one to carry them and promised you'd be careful?
Beckett: Um…
Mercer: *sigh* Never mind. I made copies.
Mercer pulls out copies of the warrants Beckett lost. Beckett steals one from Mercer and waves it with a flourish in the Governor's face.
Beckett: Here is the warrant for the arrest of William Turner.
Governor Swann takes the paper and looks at it.
Governor Swann: No, this says Elizabeth Swann. Can't you read?
Beckett: Don't make fun of me, okay? Mommy says I'm just a late bloomer.
Will: It's too late to do any blooming.
Beckett takes Elizabeth's warrant and throws it off the cliff.
Mercer: Sir, you still needed that.
Beckett: Then you can go get it.
Mercer jumps off the cliff and retrieves the paper, then brings it back up to Beckett.
Beckett: Arrest her!
The soldiers grab Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: On what charges?
Will: Yeah, what she said!
Beckett takes another warrant from Mercer, looks at it, frowns, and then hands it back to Mercer.
Beckett: Is this the one for William Turner?
Mercer: Yes.
Governor Swann takes the paper. Beckett takes another one from Mercer.
Governor Swann: Another? How many of those do you have?
Beckett: Just those five.
Awkward pause.
Will: But there are only –
Beckett: Ahem, shut up please. This warrant is for James Norrington. Is he here?
Elizabeth: Does it look like he's here?
Beckett looks around.
Elizabeth: Never mind. This is getting painful.
Governor Swann: Commodore Norrington resigned a few months ago.
Mercer: If he resigned, how is he still the Commodore?
Beckett: Yeah, what he said.
Will: Look, you little stupid man…
Elizabeth: What are the charges against us? I've only asked like eighty times.
Governor Swann reads from the warrant.
Governor Swann: This says, "Trying to do something nice to a bad guy." And "bad" is spelled wrong.
Beckett: Well, sorry that I can't be as smart as you, okay? Anyway, you guys are sentenced to be hanged.
Governor Swann swoons and a random soldier catches him.
Beckett: Have you ever heard of a pirate named Jack Sparrow?
Will: Nope.
Elizabeth: But we have heard of Captain Jack Sparrow.
Beckett: Yay! Now I get to arrest you! My favorite!
Revised Edition 2011.