Shiny Things Make Pirates Happy

Gibbs is standing on the deck of the Black Pearl, singing 600,000 bottles of rum on the wall.

Gibbs: 345,701 bottles of rum on the wall, 345,701 bottles of rum! Take one down, pass it –

Parrot: SHUT UP OR SING ON KEY!

Gibbs: Fine, gosh.

Check out that creepy prison over there. A guy chucks a coffin off a cliff into the ocean, and a crow flies nearby.

Crow: OMG look a surfboard!

The crow lands on the coffin and pecks at it. A bomb goes off from inside the coffin and the crow flies away. Jack pops up from inside the coffin, then steals a leg from his skeletal bunk-mate.

Skeleton: Ow, what the heck?

Jack: Sorry, outboard motors haven't been invented yet.

Jack uses the leg for a paddle and returns to the Black Pearl. Gibbs reaches out to help Jack onto the ship and Jack puts the leg in Gibbs' hand. Gibbs gets weirded-out.

Gibbs: Uhh... Was this in the script?

Jack: I dunno, I didn't read it. I had to resort to improv anyway. You know how these things go.

Gibbs: I guess.

Gibbs hands the leg to Cotton.

Gibbs: So, Captain, you got what you were looking for?

Jack: Yep.

With a flourish, Jack takes a piece of cloth out of his pocket.

Jack: Ta-dah!

The crew stares.

Parrot: Well, that was certainly anticlimatic.

Gibbs: Captain... I'm not sure exactly how to say this... but we were hoping it would be a bit, you know, nifty. Especially with the Isla de Muerta being reclaimed by the sea and all that jazz.

Random Pirate: And with getting chased all over the ocean by that Commodore guy.

Marty: And the hurricane!

Gibbs: It has been a while since we've had any fun.

Jack: Aren't we whiny today? I'm just not good enough for you, is that it?

Parrot: Now you're catching on.

Cotton puts his hand over the bird's beak.

Parrot: Mrawk muh phank.

Jack: Say that again and I'll demote you lower than Pintel and Ragetti.

Random Pirate: Just show us what's on that cloth that is apparently so important.

Jack: Ah, yes. The cloth!

The monkey suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes the cloth from Jack. It runs across the deck until Jack shoots it.

Gibbs: Now you're just wasting ammo.

Jack: Your face is wasting ammo.

Marty picks up the cloth and unfolds it.

Marty: There's nothing on it…

Jack: Oh, sorry, wrong one. That's my napkin from dinner. Here's the one you want.

Parrot: Why did you even keep your napkin?

Jack: Shut up.

Gibbs: It's a valid question.

Jack: Well, it's not a pertinent question, so just look at this cloth instead.

Jack hands Marty a different cloth.

Marty: It's a key.

Jack snatches the cloth back.

Jack: Of course it's not a key. What do you take me for, an idiot? No, what you have here is much better than a key. This is a drawing of a key!

Parrot: I don't see how that's better.

Jack: Shut up! Now gentlemen, what do keys do?

Random Pirate: Uhh... they... open things.

Gibbs: Yes, yes! And this key must open something, and inside there's something shiny! So we're going after whatever it is this key unlocks!

Jack: Now why on earth would we do a thing like that?

Gibbs: Um, well, because you almost died looking for this drawing…

Jack: I did not almost die. I only almost almost died.

Gibbs: Never mind. Why aren't we looking for what the key unlocks?

Jack: If we don't have the key, which we don't, we can't unlock what it is that we don't have that the key unlocks. So what would be the point in looking for the locked thing that we don't have that can only be unlocked by the key that we need to find first?

Gibbs: Oh... so we're looking for the key?

Jack: Wait, what?

Gibbs: Then what is the cloth for?

Pause.

Jack: Any more questions?

Gibbs: Well, yeah, but it's really not worth it to ask, apparently.

Marty: Do we have a heading?

Jack: We will in a moment!

Jack takes out his compass.

Jack: A heading, right. Uh, yeah, let's go, um…

The compass is spinning in aimless circles. Jack tries to follow the needle with his finger, but gets dizzy and falls over. Finally he just points in a random direction.

Jack: Let's go that way.

Gibbs: Uhh, Captain?

Jack: Did I ask you to question my orders? Just sail. That's what you're here for.

Crew members run off. Marty stops to speak to Gibbs.

Marty: So. That was weird.

Gibbs: No kidding. We're screwed.

Revised Edition 2011.