A Pretty Snazzy Offer

Beckett is standing in his office, trying to look important. He fails at it because he is petting a fluffy cat. Groves drags Will into the room by his ankles. Will is tied up and also shackled. He stands up and pouts because he got a rugburn.

Will: I could've walked, you know.

Groves: I'll keep that in mind for next time.

Beckett: Thanks for bringing the prisoner, Lew Turnent.

Groves: It's Lieutenant, and I really don't know why you insisted on shackles. Especially since you also ordered me to tie him up.

Beckett: Because shackles are awesome, duh. Don't you know anything?

Groves: Apparently not.

Beckett: That's why I'm awesomer than you. Now untie him. And take the shackles off too.

Groves: For real?

Beckett: Um, excuse me, I don't see very much untying going on in here.

Groves unties Will, then unshackles him.

Groves: This is ridiculous.

Will: No, what was ridiculous was your awful singing.

Groves: Not as ridiculous as what Gillette was wearing.

Will: Very true.

Beckett: Are you talking about Will's bachelor party? I heard it was awesome.

Will: I don't know what you're talking about.

Beckett: But…

Groves: I'll just wait outside.

Beckett pouts. Groves winks at Will, then leaves. Beckett pours milk into a bowl for the cat, then pours glasses of chocolate milk for himself and Will.

Beckett: Guess what? You work for me now.

Will: Ugh.

Beckett offers Will a glass of chocolate milk.

Will: I'm lactose intolerant.

Beckett: That's lame. Guess I won't be needing this.

Beckett flings the extra glass out an open window.

Beckett: Here's how this is going to work. You get to be the middle man, so I don't have to deal with your friend Jack Sparrow.

Will: He's not exactly what I'd call a friend. How do you know him, anyway?

Beckett holds up a red-hot pirate brander and grins maniacally.

Will: Ah, I see. How nice.

Beckett tosses the brander out the window.

Will: Why do you keep doing that?

Beckett ignores the question.

Beckett: So, Will, since it was your fault Sparrow got away, you get to go convince him to give me something really really awesome.

Will: He's not going to do that. What do I do then? Shoot him?

Beckett: I don't care. But if you do, don't mention my name in court, savvy?

Beckett takes a pistol out of the desk and offers it to Will.

Will: Did you just say "savvy"?

Beckett: Yes, silly. It makes me sound piratey and cool.

Will: It makes you sound weird and stupid, and I'm not taking your pistol.

Beckett tosses the pistol out a different window, one which is not open, and the pistol shatters the window sending glass everywhere. Then the pistol goes off and shatters an expensive vase. The cat rolls its eyes.

Will: You just destroyed a perfectly good window. And that vase.

Beckett: You could always negotiate.

Will: With the window?

Beckett: No, silly, with Jack Sparrow. Haven't you been listening?

Will: Well, yeah, but then you –

Beckett: Anyway, I have some Letters of Marque. Pretty snazzy, huh?

Will: Snazzy? Who says "snazzy"?

Beckett: I do! It's so fun to say! But anyway, if you can convince Jack Sparrow to give me the awesome thing, he's free and he gets to be my personal slave for life.

Will: That's an oxy-moron.

Beckett: What did you call me?

Will: Nothing. Never mind.

Beckett: Look, Will. I'm going to hang all the pirates. And then they'll be gone. And then I'll take over the world. And you and your lady friend better watch out, buster, or I'll get you.

Will: Oh, I see. We all die and you get Captain Sparrow and the Black Pearl.

Beckett: The what?

Will: The Black Pearl. Jack's ship. The awesome thing you want.

Beckett: Um, that old gross thing is not what I want. It is totally not awesome. Eew.

Will: Better not let Jack hear you say that.

Beckett: He can't, silly. He's not here.

Will: If you call me "silly" one more time I think I'm going to throw up.

Beckett: Well I'm sorry that you have a problem with my terminology. Anyway. I heard that there's something special about Jack's compass.

Will's poker face sucks.

Will: What compass?

Beckett: You know what compass.

Will: No I don't…

Beckett: Right. And pigs fly.

Will: You fly?

Beckett: Bring me that compass, Will, or Liz gets the kibosh.

Will: What's a kibosh?

Beckett: I dunno, but I've heard people say it, and it sounded kinda snazzy.

Will: Well, I'll add that to my list of "Words That Only Beckett Uses".

Revised edition 2011.