Purposeful Aimless Wanderings
Will tries to enter the prison and go to Elizabeth but a guard stops him.
Guard: You shall not pass!
Will: Says who?
Guard: Says me.
Will: And you are…?
Guard: Gandalf the Gray!
Will: No, he was taller. I would know.
Governor Swann: If you don't let us in I'll tell Beckett that it was you who fed his cat that 5-pound bag of M&M's and made him sick for a week.
Guard: But… but that was Norrington!
Governor Swann: Yeah, well, who's Beckett going to believe, me or you?
Guard: Fine. Go for it.
Will goes over to Elizabeth.
Guard: Your wig looks ridiculous, by the way.
Governor Swann: Yeah, well, it keeps my head warm.
Elizabeth: Why on earth would Beckett want Jack's compass? It's broken anyway.
Will: Yeah, but Beckett doesn't know the difference between North and South. He probably doesn't even know that there is a difference, so it doesn't really matter. I'll convince Jack to come back here and then Beckett will free us.
Governor Swann: Good luck with that.
Will: What, don't you trust me?
Governor Swann: Oh, I trust you, I just think you're about three ships short of an armada. Now where's that dog with the keys…?
Elizabeth: Don't worry about it, Will. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Do you have a plan?
Will: Well, first I'm going to Tortuga.
Pause.
Will: To look for Jack, of course.
Elizabeth: How many bachelor parties do you need?
Will: I already told you, that wasn't a bachelor party.
Elizabeth: Just because Groves was there and he's technically married doesn't make it not a bachelor party.
Behind them, Governor Swann is messing with the light fixture. It breaks, and gets caught in his wig, and the wig catches on fire. Governor Swann flings the wig on the ground and stomps the fire out. In the process of stomping, he rips his pants.
Guard: Are those Jack Sparrow boxers?
The awkward is painful, so Will turns his attention back to Elizabeth.
Will: I'd kiss you, but your father is watching. We'll have to save it for later.
Elizabeth: Then why didn't you kiss me while his wig was still on fire?
Will: I forgot.
Elizabeth pouts.
Will goes to Tortuga and asks people if they've seen Jack. First he meets an armless hobo.
Will: Hey, have you seen Jack Sparrow lately?
Armless Hobo: Jack Sparrow? Oh, yeah, I killed him last week. Sorry.
Will: Somehow I doubt that.
Armless Hobo: Oh yeah?
Will: Yeah. You don't have any arms. What did you do, throw a knife with your teeth?
Will leaves the armless guy and looks elsewhere. He finds a guy playing checkers with himself.
Will: Has Jack Sparrow been around here recently?
Checkers Guy: I have no idea who Jack Sparrow even is.
Will: Well, if you ever meet him, don't tell him that.
Checkers Guy: If I ever meet him, it won't be true anymore, now, will it?
Will: Aren't we clever today.
Now Will comes across a random man who is striking a pose of nonchalance against a building.
Will: I don't suppose you've seen Jack Sparrow recently, have you?
Random Man: Nope, sorry. Hey, wait a minute, I know you. Sweet party, man.
Will: Oh, thanks. Yeah, those Navy guys really know how to party.
Random Man: No kidding. Your friend Groves is crazy awesome.
Will: The best part is, he doesn't even remember why!
Random Man: I don't doubt it! Take care, man, good luck with your wife and all.
Will: Thanks, you too!
Will walks away and feels like an idiot for misuse of the "you too" phrase. Next Will meets Scarlett and Giselle.
Will: Okay, you have to have seen Jack Sparrow recently, right?
Giselle: Jack Sparrow?
Scarlett: I freaking hate that guy.
Giselle: He cheated on both of us!
Scarlett: With each other!
They both slap Will.
Will: Sorry I asked.
Next he goes to the docks and finds a sailor guy.
Will: I don't suppose you know anything about Jack Sparrow.
Sailor: You mean the guy with the sparrow tattoo?
Will: Well his name isn't Jack Kookaburra.
Sailor: Just checking. Anyway, I haven't seen him per se, but I know where his ship is.
Will: At this point, that is massive progress.
Will and some guy are in a rowboat heading towards an island. Suddenly the guy stops rowing the boat.
Will: What the heck? The island's right there!
The guy blabbers at Will in some foreign language.
Will: You know... never mind. I'll swim.
Will stands up and falls off the boat. He doggie-paddles to the island, and finally reaches shore. He walks up onto shore, gasping for air. He leans up against a conveniently placed wall to catch his breath, then realizes that the wall is acutally the side of the Black Pearl.
Will: Hey Jack, are you there? Mr. Gibbs? …Marty? …Cotton's parrot? …anyone?
Will figures they must have gone off into the forest.
Will: I figure they must have gone off into the forest.
Will wanders into the forest, looking around. He sees a familiar bird, the parrot that belongs to Cotton.
Will: Am I glad to see you!
Parrot: I dunno. Are you?
Will: Yes!
Parrot: Great. I suppose now you're going to eat me.
Will: What? I'm not going to eat you. That's weird.
Parrot: Yeah, no kidding.
The parrot flies away.
Will: (confused face)
Revised edition 2011.