Lessons in Futility: Negotiating with Beckett
Beckett wanders into his office, looking for his cat. He crawls under his desk, calling for the cat.
Beckett: Here, kitty, kitty. Aunt Kyle, where are you?
Yeah. He named his cat Aunt Kyle.
Beckett stands up, banging his head on the desk, knocking the small chest off the table. Beckett then remembers to crawl out from under the table before standing up.
Beckett: Has aspirin been invented yet?
Inventor of Asprin who hasn't been born yet: No.
Beckett: Darn.
Beckett suddenly notices that the chest, which has fallen off the table, is missing something. Oh, it's the letters of Marque!
Beckett: Well, someone certainly bunkoed me!
Elizabeth appears out of the shadows.
Elizabeth: I did not just hear you use the word "bunkoed".
Beckett: What are you doing here?
Elizabeth: I'm here to negotiate.
Beckett: I'm listening.
Elizabeth cocks a pistol and holds it to Beckett's forehead.
Beckett: I'm listening.
Elizabeth: You already said that.
Beckett: I did? When?
Elizabeth: Like one second ago.
Beckett: Don't tell lies. It's mean.
Elizabeth: Uh… my bad. Anyway. These letters, they're signed by the King, right?
Beckett: Yeah, but they're not signed by me, so ha!
Elizabeth: Obviously. You think I hang around here because I like the wallpaper?
Beckett: You don't like it?
Elizabeth: Frankly, it sucks. Anyway, finding Jack Sparrow and his compass is basically pointless. There's something you should know about the treasure.
Beckett: What, is it cursed?
Elizabeth: Actually, yes.
Beckett: Oh. Well, anyway, I'm not after that treasure. I'm looking for something else.
Elizabeth shoves the pistol under Beckett's chin.
Beckett: Hey, is that my pistol?
Elizabeth cocks the pistol… again?
Elizabeth: Just sign the letters.
Elizabeth shoves the letters into Beckett's chest. Beckett takes them, puts hot wax on them, burns himself, stamps the wax with his ring, then burns himself again.
Beckett: Ow, that hurt!
Elizabeth: Watch out, the wax is hot.
Beckett: Yeah, I know, I just burned myself on it.
Elizabeth: For the love of… Just sign the letters.
Beckett: Fine, Mrs. Bossy. Why are you trying so hard to free Jack Sparrow anyway?
Elizabeth: I'm not.
Beckett: Then what do you want the letters for?
Elizabeth: For Will. Duh. And it's Miss Bossy, still. You kinda destroyed my wedding.
Beckett gives Elizabeth the letters and she looks at them.
Elizabeth: This isn't a signature. It's just a bunch of squiggly lines.
Beckett: Cursive is hard, okay?
Elizabeth: You are unbelievable.
Elizabeth leaves. Beckett shouts after her.
Beckett: I still want the compass!
He pouts for a minute then goes back to looking for his cat.
Beckett: Aunt Kyle? Where did you go?
Revised Edition 2011.