Invited to (be) Dinner
Jack is sitting on the cannibal throne. A cannibal puts a necklace of human toes and other various assorted body parts around Jack's neck.
Jack: Is this a spleen?
Cannibal: No, I think that's a liver. This one is the spleen.
Jack: Oh, right. Thanks a million.
The cannibal goes away. Jack bites one of the toes.
Jack: Ew! Tastes like eunuch!
Will, Gibbs, and other assorted crew members are hanging in cages made of bones over a vast canyon thing.
Will: This doesn't make any sense. Isn't Jack the chief?
Gibbs: Yeah, he is. But only as long as he acts like one.
Will: Wow, I'm sure he's having a tough time with that one.
Gibbs: Yeah, except the cannibals think he's a god.
Will: I'm still having some trouble figuring out why this is a problem for Jack…
Cotton bites Gibbs's hand.
Gibbs: Ow! Yes, they're going to eat him, as soon as the drums stop, but that doesn't mean you have to demonstrate!
Will: Eew, bad idea. They don't know where he's been. Hey, where's the rest of the crew?
Gibbs: You're sitting in them.
Will freaks out then leans out of the cage and pukes.
Gibbs: Okay, well, that reaction was a little more melodramatic than I was expecting.
Will: You're melodramatic. Shut up.
Up at the feast, the cannibals have just finished preparations for their bonfire.
Jack: No! Um, no! Big fire! More wood!
Cannibals all go to get more wood, and Jack makes his typical escape. He runs away into a hut, for some reason. It's not like he'll be safe there. Anyway, he finds some rope and a silver thing with the East India Trading Company emblem on it. The silver thing is really a paprika shaker. Jack steps out of the hut and finds cannibals waiting for him.
Jack: Um, yeah... How about some seasoning?
Jack shakes some paprika on his armpits. He sniffs himself and faints from the smell. The cannibals drag him back to the roasting spit and tie him to it.
Jack: This situation is going to suck in about five seconds...
The people in the cages are swinging them, trying to reach the walls of the cliffs. They grab onto vines and start to climb.
Gibbs: Okay, everyone, climb!
Will: It's gonna take all of us to crew the Black Pearl!
Pirate in other Cage: Actually, not. About six will do. Hey, cool! There's six of us in each cage!
Pause.
Pirate: Crap...
The two groups start climbing frantically, trying to be the first to the top. A cannibal kid walks onto the bridge overhead.
Will: Stop!
Pirate in other Cage: Yeah, right, sucker.
The other cage continues to climb. Will grabs a snake and throws it at the other cage. The pirates in the cage see the snake and freak out, and the cage falls into the canyon.
Will: Sucks for them.
The cannibal notices what's going on and runs off to report it. He gets to the feast and starts blabbering loudly in cannibal. The cannibals stand around, looking confused.
Jack: I swear, you people wouldn't breathe if I didn't tell you to. Go get them!
The cannibals run off. One of them drops a torch on the logs underneath Jack, and they catch on fire.
Jack: No no! Not good! FIRE!
Jack tries to blow the fire out. It just gets bigger.
Will and the other pirates get the cage to the top of the cliff and try to break it open. But, oops, the cannibals are coming, so they run, rolling the cage. It rolls up a tree and falls back down, but doesn't break.
Will: Dang it. There goes that plan.
Gibbs: Lift it like a lady's skirt!
Will: How am I supposed to know how to do that?
Gibbs: I dunno. You're the eunuch.
The pirates lift the cage and run. The cannibals chase them. Meanwhile, Jack manages to get off the spit, but the long log thing is still tied to his back. Finding two cannibal ladies, Jack performs some clumsy maneuvers that end up ticking off the cannibal women, so that they throw coconuts and other fruit at him.
Will and the other pirates in the cage jump off a cliff into water, and break the cage.
Will: Yes! Sweet freedom!
They swim for cover while the cannibals shoot arrows at them. Luckily, the cannibals have worse aim than Norrington's military did in the first movie, so Will and the pirates are safe.
Jack has managed to catch various coconuts and fruit on the ends of his pole. He yells at the cannibal women to stop throwing fruit at him, and then he performs a really cool pole-vault stunt to get to the other side of the gorge.
Jack: Haha, suckers!
The fruit starts to pull him off-balance.
Jack: Not good...
Jack falls backwards off the cliff, through various wooden bridges, at one point hanging upside down by his ankle, then falling through other wooden bridges. Lucky for him, this maneuver unties the ropes holding him to the pole. He lands on his back on the ground, and watches as all the fruit lands on the ground near him, and the pole just barely misses his head.
Jack: Someone invent asprin, quick.
Ragetti and Pintel have almost succeeded in getting the Black Pearl ready for departure.
Pintel: Hey! Do that thing with the one rope thing!
Ragetti: Stupid monkey! Give me back my eye!
Ragetti and the monkey scurry around the deck.
Ragetti: No, don't BITE it! Give it back!
Pintel: Hello! That rope? Or line, whatever, pull it loose!
Ragetti: It's got me eye! Make him give it back!
Pintel: What are you, five? How did you get it back last time?
Gibbs and the rest of the crew come up behind Pintel.
Gibbs: Yes! The work's half done!
Pintel: Uh... yeah!
Ragetti: We totally did that on purpose, too, just for you guys.
Pintel: Right. It was all for you, the whole time.
Gibbs: Skip it, will ya? Make ready to sail!
Will: What about Jack? I won't leave without Jack!
Jack rounds a corner, being chased by a gajillion cannibals.
Will: On second thought…
Gibbs: Cast off those lines!
Ragetti: Told you they was called lines.
Pintel: You did not!
Gibbs: Who cares? Call them jelly beans if you like, just cast them off!
Jack sprints out to the water, then swims to the Black Pearl and climbs up on a line.
Jack: Children! This is the day that you will always remember as the day...
A wave totally ruins the moment.
Jack: Fortunately you've all seen the first movie and at least know what I was going to say.
Jack gets pulled onto the ship.
Gibbs: Let's put some distance between us and this island and head out to open sea.
Jack: Yes, put distance between us and the island. Yes, head out to open sea, but keep to the shallows.
Gibbs: How am I supposed to do that?
Jack: Be creative. You'll think of something. Now where's that bloody monkey? I am in a decidedly foul mood and want to shoot something to make myself feel better.
The monkey appears seemingly out of nowhere, and drops Ragetti's eye.
Ragetti: YES!
Will: Jack.
Jack: William.
Will: Jack…
Jack: William.
Will: Jack –
Jack: William. This is fun!
Will: Stop it! Elizabeth is in danger.
Jack: Of course she is. Why else would you be here? Why don't you just lock the girl up someplace?
Will: She is locked up. In prison. She's going to hang for helping you.
Jack: Well, I must say I'm flattered, but she needn't risk her pretty neck for me.
Will grabs a sword from a random pirate nearby and holds it to Jack's throat.
Will: I need your compass, Jack. I need to trade it for her freedom.
Jack: That's great, Will. Not now, huh?
Jack moves the sword away and continues talking to Gibbs.
Jack: Gibbs, we have a need to go upriver.
Gibbs: A "need", you say? Is this one of those "needs" that pops into your head when you want to distract yourself from the hotheaded, sword-wielding blacksmith?
Jack: No, this is one of those life-and-death needs.
Gibbs: Oh, awesome.
Will: What we need is to go to Port Royal as fast as we can!
Jack: William, I will give you the compass if you'll help me with a little something first.
Will: What kind of a something?
Jack pulls the cloth drawing of the key out of his pocket.
Jack: A something that involves the finding of this.
Will: You want me to find this?
Jack: No, you want you to find this. Because the finding of this will help you in the saving of what's her face. Kapeish?
Will: This is going to save Elizabeth?
Ominous theme music plays.
Jack: How much do you know about Davy Jones?
Ominous, climactic pause.
Will: Who?
Jack: Then, yes, it will save Elizabeth.
Revised edition 2011.