The Ballad of Fishface Jones
On board some random ship, two sailors, Joseph R. Shelton and Christopher Lowsley-Hughes, are fighting over a dress. Their Captain walks up and is quite disturbed by the sight.
Captain: Uh... that's great, guys. But if you have to cross-dress, do it where I can't see, okay?
Joseph R. Shelton: We're not cross-dressers, sir. The ship is haunted.
Captain: That's fascinating.
Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: There's a woman here. We all have felt her.
Captain: Oh... how... nice.
Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: No, no, not like that, I mean, we can sense her presence!
Random Sailor 1: It probably belongs to a lady, sir.
Captain: Oh, now we've got that mystery cleared up.
Random Sailor 1: She was probably widowed before her marraige, and now is searching for her husband lost at sea.
Random Sailor 2: Probably a virgin, too. We're screwed.
Elizabeth is standing nearby, painting graffiti on the ship's railing. She hears the sailors talking.
Joseph R. Shelton: I say we throw the dress overboard and hope the spirit follows.
Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: No! That'll just make her mad! We need to try and help her!
The sailors start fighting over the dress again.
Captain: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!!
The sailors shut up.
Captain: All this means is that there's a stowaway on board. A woman, obviously. So go find her.
Nobody moves.
Captain: She's probably naked.
All the sailors run. Elizabeth pretends to care about naked women, so she won't be discovered.
The Black Pearl is anchored and the crew is in rowboats, going upriver through a creepy swamp.
Will: Why is Jack scared of water?
Gibbs: Because the kraken is coming after him.
Will: Oh.
Pause.
Will: What's a kraken?
Gibbs: A giant hell-monster with tentacles that drag entire ships underwater. It does whatever Davy Jones tells it to. And people say it smells nasty, like dead people.
Will: And Jack thinks a key can save him from this kraken thing?
Gibbs: That's what he'd like to know. Which is why he's going to visit her.
Will: Her?
Gibbs: Yep.
Will: But that doesn't answer my question...
Gibbs doesn't care.
The rowboats continue up to a hut, and Jack climbs out of the boat onto the hut's "porch". It's not really a porch, but what else do you call it? A to-stand-on-thingy?
Jack: No worries! Tia Dalma and I are like peas and carrots. Best of friends. Well... we were... sort of...
Gibbs: Jack...
Jack: Okay, fine. We kinda knew each other once.
Gibbs: I've got your back.
Jack: It's me front I'm worried about.
Gibbs (to Will): Mind the boat.
Will (to Ragetti): Mind the boat.
Ragetti (to Pintel): Mind the boat.
Pintel: No!
Ragetti (to Marty): Mind the boat.
Marty (to Cotton): Mind the boat.
Parrot (to Cotton): Mind the boat, sucker.
Cotton remains in the boat to mind it.
Jack creeps into Tia Dalma's hut.
Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow.
Jack: Yep, that's me!
Tia Dalma: I figured you'd come back.
She sees Will.
Tia Dalma: You, William Turner, have a touch of destiny about you.
Will: What does that mean? And how do you know my name? Did you know my father too?
Tia Dalma: You want to know me...
Jack: No he doesn't. We've come for help. And we're not leaving until we get it. I thought I knew you.
Tia Dalma: Apparently not. Over here.
Jack and Will follow her over to a table.
Tia Dalma: What do you want? And before you answer, did you bring payment?
Jack: Of course I did. Check this out.
He brings over the monkey in a cage, takes out his pistol and shoots it. It doesn't die.
Jack: Undead monkey! Pretty tight, huh?
Tia Dalma: Yep.
She opens the cage and the monkey scurries over to sit on (drumroll please) Barbossa's boots!
Gibbs: Don't let it out! Are you insane? Do you have a death wish?
Tia Dalma: The payment is fair.
Jack: Oh good!
Will puts the drawing of the key on the table.
Will: We're looking for this.
Tia Dalma: Can't your compass lead you to it?
Jack: Uh... maybe?
Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants...
Jack: Yes I do! I just... don't know what I want most...
Tia Dalma: Whatever. Anyway, this key unlocks a chest, and what's inside the chest is pretty interesting.
Gibbs: What's inside?
Pintel: Shiny things?
Ragetti: I hope it's not another monkey...
Tia Dalma: You've all heard of Davy Jones, right?
Jack pretends to think really hard.
Jack: Nope.
Tia Dalma: Your sarcasm's gonna get you into trouble someday. Davy Jones is, er, was, a great man of the sea. Until, of course, he got sidetracked.
Will: Sidetracked by what?
Gibbs: Drowning?
Pintel: Math?
Ragetti: Einstein's theory of relativity?
Pintel: Who's Einstein?
Ragetti: I... don't know.
Jack: His mom?
Tia Dalma: Close, but no biscuit. I'll just tell you. He got sidetracked by a woman. He fell in love.
Gibbs: I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.
Tia Dalma: No, that's the American version. Either way, it doesn't make a difference. The woman was as unpredictable as the sea. He still loved her, but the pain it caused him was too much to live with, though not enough to die.
Jack: Tough luck.
Will: So what did Jones put in the chest? The divorce papers? The marraige license?
Tia Dalma: His heart.
Ragetti: Literally or figuratively?
Pintel: You mean there's a difference?
Ragetti: Didn't you ever pay attention in school?
Pintel: I never went to school.
Ragetti: Now that you mention it, neither did I...
Pintel: Then how do you know all these big words?
Ragetti: The monkey taught me.
Tia Dalma: Jones figured fleeting joys weren't worth it, so he carved out his heart and locked it up in the chest, which he buried somewhere. He keeps the key with him at all times.
Will looks at Jack.
Will: You knew this.
Jack: Says who? I never knew where the key was until now. But now we do know. Isn't that marvelous? Now all we have to do is climb aboard the Flying Dutchman, steal the key from Davy Jones, find the chest, unlock it, take the heart, sail back to Port Royal, and save Elizabeth!
Will: Yeah. Real simple.
Tia Dalma: Jack, let me see your hand.
Jack shows her the back of his unmarked hand.
Tia Dalma: You know what I mean...
Jack shows her the spot.
Gibbs: IT'S THE BLACK SPOT!!!
Gibbs dives out the window.
Ragetti and Pintel: BLACK SPOT!!!
They dive out the window.
Jack: Thanks for pointing it out, mates, I really hadn't noticed until now that there was a vile discoloration forming and spreading itself across the epidermis of my dominant hand.
Cricket, cricket...
Tia Dalma wanders to the back of the hut and rummages around through the junk pile. While her back is turned, Jack steals more expensive stuff from her desk. After a moment, Tia Dalma returns, carrying a jar of dirt.
Tia Dalma: Davy Jones can only go on land once every ten years. You're safe on land, unless, of course, Norrington has his posse there waiting for you...
Jack: Ha! Told you Norrington had a posse!
Tia Dalma: Anyway, you'll carry land with you.
She hands Jack the dirt. Jack stares at it as if it's the craziest thing he's ever seen in his life.
Jack: Dirt. A jar of dirt. Gee, wow, that's great. I don't know what to say.
Tia Dalma: If you don't want it, you can give it back.
Jack hugs the dirt and pouts like he's five.
Jack: Mine.
Tia Dalma: Fine. Then don't complain.
Jack sticks out his tongue.
Will: It seems that we have a need to find the Flying Dutchman.
Jack: Thank you, Mister Obvious. As if everyone in this room didn't know that.
Tia Dalma picks up the random pieces of junk and throws them at Jack for being sarcastic. Jack hurries from the hut to avoid death, and the other pirates follow.
No band tonight, so I had a chance to update. Like it says in my profile, I got a part in the play, so I'll be even busier now. Therefore, I thought I owed you a long chapter before I go away. It's not particularly funny, and parts were almost torture to parody, but bear with me. I have a lot of super-brilliant ideas for upcoming chapters...