The Goat Tossing World Champion

The pirates are returning to the Black Pearl. Elizabeth, still dressed as a guy, follows Jack onto the ship.

Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow.

Jack: Come to join the crew, have you? Rock on. Welcome aboard!

Elizabeth: Actually, Jack, I've come to find the man I love.

Jack: Uhh... to each his own, mate, but I'm afraid I'm taken.

Norrington pukes. Everyone turns to look at him.

Norrington: What? The thought of Elizabeth and Jack is nauseating...

Jack: Right. The rum had nothing to do with it.

Norrington: Nothing at all.

Jack: Liar. But anyhoo, Elizabeth, you say?

Elizabeth: Hi.

Jack turns to Gibbs.

Jack: Hide the rum.

Jack looks back at Elizabeth and puts on a charming grin.

Jack: Elizabeth... As marvelous as you look in that get-up, I'd rather see you in a dress.

Elizabeth: Do you think this makes me look fat?

Jack: No... Did I say that?

Jack turns to Gibbs.

Jack: Did you hear me say that?

Gibbs: No.

Elizabeth: Screw it. I'm looking for Will, and I know he came after you. Where is he?

Jack: Well... funny story, actually...

Elizabeth: Jack, what did you do?

Jack: Me! Why is everything that happens around here automatically blamed on me?

Elizabeth: Because it's always your fault. Where is Will?

Jack: Well, he's not here...

Elizabeth: Yes, I know that. Where is he?

Jack: Uh... Elizabeth, darling! You look lovely today!

Elizabeth: I'll give you three seconds or the rum goes overboard.

Jack: He has been accidently press-ganged into the service of Davy Jones.

Elizabeth: Davy Jones?

Ominous, dramatic theme music and climactic pause... then Norrington totally ruins the mood by blowing chunks into the bay.

Elizabeth: Do you mind? We're having a moment here.

Norrington: Whatever. The Dutchman of the Flying Captain?

Elizabeth: You're still drunk, James.

Jack: Not only that, but you look like crap.

Norrington: Wow, thanks.

Jack: What are you doing here?

Norrington: You hired me.

Jack: Not to puke everywhere I didn't.

Norrington: Not my fault if your standards are lax.

Jack: There is a preposterous odor about your person.

Norrington: Your face.

Jack: Your mom!

Elizabeth: Ladies, please. I still need to find Will.

Jack: Are you sure? Is that what what you really want?

Elizabeth: Well, yeah, I mean, we're only engaged.

Jack: Because I'd think that what you'd want most is to find a way to save Will.

Elizabeth: That's the same thing.

Jack: Almost. But not quite.

Elizabeth: So you have a way to save Will?

Jack: Pretty close. You see, there's this chest...

Norrington: Great. Here we go again.

Jack: A chest of unknown size and origin.

Pintel: It contains the still-beating heart of Davy Jones.

Ragetti imitates a heart beating after it has been torn out.

Ragetti: Yeah. Thump-thump, thump-thump, like Darth Vader.

Pintel: Shut up, you idiot. Darth Vader?

Ragetti: Okay, fine, never mind.

Jack: And whoever has said chest, also has said heart, which gives said person the leverage to control said fishface and have whatever he, or she, wants. Including the possibility, even probability, of saving dear William from the clutches of the afore mentioned said fishface.

Norrington: Elizabeth, you don't actually believe this crap, do you?

Elizabeth: Well...

Jack: Ha. Sucker.

Norrington: Shut up.

Elizabeth: How do we find this chest?

Jack holds up his compass.

Jack: Ta-da!

Elizabeth: Your compass?

Jack: My compass just so happens to be a compass of the unique variety.

Norrington: Your compass is an epic fail.

Compass: Hey!

Norrington: Did the compass just speak?

Jack: Of course not.

Norrington: But I swear it just said... Never mind. I'm so freaking drunk it doesn't even matter.

Norrington walks of in search of somewhere else to puke, and spews all over the dock.

Elizabeth: That's charming, James.

Jack: I think you missed a spot...

Elizabeth: And people wonder why I didn't marry him. Anyway, let's talk about this compass. If it doesn't point North, where does it point?

Jack: Wherever you want it to point. That is to say, it'll point towards whatever you want most.

Elizabeth: Are you serious? If you're lying to me, I swear, the rum...

Jack: It's all true! Every word. Whatever you want most...

Elizabeth takes the compass.

Elizabeth: To save Will.

Jack: No, we've been through this. You want to find the chest of Davy Jones.

The compass starts to spin. Jack steps away for a minute, then peeks down at the compass once it stops spinning.

Jack: Mister Gibbs... we have our heading!

Gibbs: Finally.

Jack offers his arm to Elizabeth.

Jack: Miss Swann...

She takes his arm and they mosey along the deck. Norrington tries to follow, though he's still quite drunk and having a bit of difficulty standing up straight. Then, Ragetti stops him.

Ragetti: Welcome to the crew, former Commodore!

Ragetti chucks a goat at Norrington. The goat hits him square in the chest and knocks him over, pinning him to the deck.

Pintel: Whoa, you must've chucked it at least twenty feet!

Ragetti: Really? You think so?

Pintel: Yeah! You could be Ragetti, Goat Tossing World Champion!

Norrington: As fascinating as this is, I am in need of some assistance.

Pintel: With what?

Norrington: If you haven't noticed, I am trapped beneath a goat.

Ragetti: What are you doing that for?

Norrington: You threw it at me.

Ragetti: You was supposed to catch it!

Norrington: Well, pardon me for my mistake. If you had informed me of your intentions beforehand, I might have been better prepared.

Pintel: At least you'll know for next time.

Norrington: Would you please get this thing off of me!

Pintel: Fine already. You don't have to get bossy. Geesh, people these days.

Revised edition 2011.