Nobody Likes a Smart-Aleck Cartographer
Back in Port Royal, in Beckett's office, some guy is painting map-shaped graffiti on the wall in Beckett's office. I guess Beckett finally did realize that his wallpaper sucks and wanted to cover it up. Or maybe he's just plotting world domination. Like that'll ever happen. (For those of you who didn't catch it... that was foreshadowing.)
Beckett: Make sure you draw a nice gold star right where Beckettopolis will be.
Map Guy: Yeah. Gotcha.
Beckett: You better. Or I'll get you.
Map Guy: Yep. Since you're so scary and all.
Beckett: I am.
Beckett whips Norrington's sword out of its case and swishes it through the air for dramatic effect. Either that or he had a death wish against the draperies.
Map Guy: Good job.
Beckett assumes a more "intimidating" pose, and struts around the room, brandishing the sword. What a slimy jerkface. Nobody but Norrington is allowed to mess with that sword. That's just how it should be. And Beckett is probably dead last on the list of People Norrington Wants to Have Touching his Awesome Commodore Sword. That is, if such a list happened to exist.
Governor Swann enters, minus the wig and nice clothes, and handcuffed. Beckett decides to play Intimidate the Governor.
Beckett: Oh yeah. Don't you think it's nice to know that the Earth is nice and square?
Map Guy: Dude, it's a circle.
Beckett: What?
Map Guy: Why do you think they make globes round?
Beckett: I thought that was so they'd roll better...
Beckett isn't very good at Intimidate the Governor.
Governor Swann: Don't you think these handcuffs are a bit of overkill?
Beckett: Whatever do you mean?
Governor Swann: It's not like I'm going anywhere. Not since you've got this place surrounded by 250 of your officers.
Beckett: Is it really 250?
Governor Swann: Yes. Some of us can actually count past eight.
Beckett: Well you don't have to be a butthead about it.
Map Guy: I don't think anyone really says "butthead" anymore.
Beckett: I don't think anyone cares! Anyway, Mr. Governor-face, I brought you here because I thought you'd like to know where your kid is.
Governor Swann: Elizabeth? Where is she?
Beckett: I don't know.
Mercer steps in and earns his paycheck.
Mercer: She's in Tortuga, hanging out with Jack Sparrow and other such suckers who are running from justice.
Governor Swann: Justice? You're kidding, right?
Beckett: Suckers such as the previous owner of this sword.
Beckett tries to dramatically sheathe the sword, but he kind of misses and ends up stabbing a hole through a nearby chair.
Map Guy: That was real smooth.
Beckett: Shut up. Anyhow, my big boats are chasing the fugitives in question, and my groovy canons will pretty much annihiliate.
Map Guy: Here's a tip. Don't say "groovy".
Beckett: I hate you. Go away.
Mercer: Lord Beckett, sir, perhaps you ought to finish this round of Intimidate the Governor before you start another game.
Beckett's second-favorite game is called Intimidate People who are Not the Governor.
Beckett: Fine. Anyway, Governor-guy, your offspring is pretty much screwed.
Pause.
Beckett: Hint, hint... This is the part where you beg for mercy.
The Map Guy thinks it kind of ruins the effect when Beckett tells the Governor to beg for mercy, but he keeps his mouth shut for the sake of his job.
Governor Swann: What do you want from me?
Beckett: Your scone recepie.
Governor Swann: That's it?
Beckett: Well, just that, and your authority as Governor, your influence with the King, your loyalty to the EITC...
Governor Swann: You mean, loyalty to you.
Beckett: Pretty much. Should I tell someone to remove these shackles?
Governor Swann: Well, since I'm going to agree to your little jerkface scheme, it would be a nice gesture.
Beckett: Oh yay! Groves, cut 'im loose.
Groves: You do realize that being a Lieutenant makes me authorized for more than just guard duty, right?
Beckett: Of course I do. But you are being punished.
Groves: I'm being punished?
Beckett: Oh, yes. Punished.
Groves: And for what, exactly, am I being punished?
Beckett: For not inviting me to Will's bachelor party.
The Map Guy immediately erupts into laughter and points knowingly at Groves.
Map Guy: Oh, do you remember… Oh, no you probably don't, that was after you…
Groves: Yeah, I don't remember anything after that.
Map Guy: That's too bad, because it was awesome!
Groves: Oh, I'm sure it was!
Map Guy: Probably one of the highlights of the night, besides, of course, when you –
Beckett: HELLO! Someone is still waiting for the Governor to be cut loose here, per my instructions.
Groves cuts the Governor loose then starts to leave.
Groves: For the record, it was totally worth the amnesia.
Map Guy: Too bad video cameras haven't been invented yet!
Groves leaves quickly because Beckett is frowning and pouting at him. The map guy goes back to his, um, mapping. And Beckett finally returns to his round of Intimidate the Governor.
Beckett: I'll be wanting that scone recipie by tomorrow morning. Aunt Kyle and I have some cooking to do. Speaking of Aunt Kyle... has anyone seen him? It's his bath day.
Mercer: It's about time you had a bath day yourself, sir.
Mercer runs away before he gets fired.
Revised edition 2011.