Kraken Fight

Will is sitting on a ship, wrapped in a blanket and holding a cup of hot tea, trying to not catch pneumonia.

Captain: I have to admit, it's a little strange to come across a longboat this far out in open sea.

Will: Wow, thanks for sharing. Let's just go somewhere else... really fast...

Captain: Are we running from anything in particular?

Will kinda half-ignores, half-doesn't-notice the Captain's question. He does notice Elizabeth's wedding dress sitting on a chair. He goes over to it and looks at it.

Will: Where did you get this?

Captain: It's not what you think... We found it on the ship. The crew thought it was bad luck or something.

Will: That's dorky.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: You bet. Really dorky. Only a dork would think something like that.

Joseph R. Shelton: Only a really dorky dork. This dress, it's brought us good fortune. Its spirit told us to go to Tortuga, so, naturally, we did, and made quite a fortune there.

Captain: Off the books, of course.

Will: Sure, of course.

Captain: Of course.

Will: I imagine some of your crew may have jumped ship there.

Captain: Why?

Will: Umm... Well, I have this Uncle Thaddeus, and he--

A random sailor guy named Thaddeus (not Will's uncle) comes running down the stairs. After he's done tripping over the last step, he tells the Captain that a ship has been spotted.

Thaddeus: A ship has been spotted! We can see it, sir, the ship, we can see it.

Captain: Colors?

Thaddeus: Well, it's kind of a brownish, like most ships...

Captain: I mean, a flag.

Thaddeus: Oh! None, then. No flag. None, sir.

Captain: Pirates...

Thaddeus: Pirates! Pirates, they could be pirates, sir, like you said, sir, pirates, you said!

Captain: Hey, Thaddeus.

Thaddeus: Yes, sir?

Captain: No more caffeine, okay?

Thaddeus: Is it that obvious?

Captain: Just a little.

The other ship just so happens to be the Flying Dutchman. Funny coincidence, huh? Anyhoo, Davy Jones found out about Will's little switcheroo with the keys, and he's not particularly happy about it. He grabs Bootstrap.

Davy Jones: You, sucker, get to watch this. I hope you brought your popcorn.

Davy Jones takes out a whistle and summons the Kraken. Bootstrap makes a weird face at Davy Jones's pansy little whistle, then he stops worrying about the whistle when he realizes the Kraken is coming to try and eat his son. Bootstrap has a semi-severe freak-out attack.

Over on the other ship, Will is up in the crow's nest watching the Flying Dutchman, realizing that in about five seconds, he and his sailor friends are going to be toast.

Will: Crap.

Something large hits the ship and Will falls out of the crow's nest. Why would he go up there in the first place? It's like the worst place ever to be during a Kraken fight. It's like eight million feet off the ground, and if he hadn't been a main character, he would have been splattered all over the deck. Which would have made a mess. Instead, he gets down safely.

Random Sailor Billy-Bob: What the heck was that?

Random Sailor Claude: I dunno. Maybe we hit an iceberg or something.

Will: Are you freaking retarded???

Suddenly a Kraken tentacle appears and grabs the Captain, dragging him overboard.

First Mate Francis: Can I be Captain now?

Another Kraken tentacle appears and grabs First Mate Francis. So much for his dream of being Captain.

Random Sailor Claude: That's no iceberg...

Will: Gee, ya think, Einstein??? It's the Caribbean for crying out loud!!

Random Sailor Billy-Bob: Kraken!!!

Sailors freak out and run everywhere, screaming. Apparently, it doesn't help, because two seconds later, the Kraken eats the ship. Will, as if by magic (or the power of the screenwriters) survives. The Flying Dutchman comes up along the wreckage and looks for survivors. Again, magically, the screenwriters make sure he isn't seen.

Hammer: Mini-Turner isn't here. He must have been claimed by the sea.

Davy Jones: I am the sea.

Bootstrap: What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Davy Jones: For that comment, you'll go to the brig.

Bootstrap is taken to the brig.

Hammer: What about the survivors?

Davy Jones: What survivors?

Davy Jones kills the surviors. So much for them.

Davy Jones: Now, we're going to the island.

Undead Fish-Man Freddy: What island?

Davy Jones: The special island. You know, where the chest is hidden. We have to get there first.

Undead Fish-Man Freddy: First?

Davy Jones: Yeah, meaning, before Jack Sparrow does.

Updates for Christmas Eve! I'll get another chapter out soon! Agent047 likes reviews... :D