How to Escape from Buried Treasure

Elizabeth is on board the Black Pearl, sitting on the steps, looking immensely depressed. Jack wanders over, and probably finds her just by chance.

Jack: Is there a problem? Because if there is, I swear I didn't do it.

Elizabeth: I just thought I'd be married by now.

Jack: Well, I could help with that.

Jack gives his most charming grin.

Elizabeth: Eew, no.

She stands up and wanders along the deck. Jack chases after her.

Jack: What? We're very much alike, you and I... I and you... us...

Agent047's English teacher: Actually, it's you and me.

The English teacher disappears. Jack and Elizabeth ignore her for the sake of their own sanity.

Elizabeth: We're alike, except I'm ten times cooler and I smell better. Plus I'm prettier. And I'm not a pirate.

Jack: See? We could be the same person! Anyhow, you'll come over to my side, I know it.

Elizabeth: You know it, do you?

Jack: Yep.

Elizabeth: And why will I be coming over to your side?

Jack: Curiosity. You want to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want just because you feel like it. You want to know what that's like. Someday... you won't be able to resist it.

Elizabeth: Your stupid compass is broken.

Jack: Say what? My compass isn't stupid. And it isn't broken. You sound like Norrington.

Elizabeth: Whatever. So, if you and I are alike, there will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.

Jack: I love those moments! I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Elizabeth: They don't wave back, do they?

Jack: Sometimes...

Elizabeth: That's what worries me.

Jack: Only that?

Elizabeth: Someday, when you take the chance to do something courageous, you'll discover that you're a good man.

Jack: Oh, I already know that.

Elizabeth: I have faith in you. You know why?

Jack: Because... I'm hot?

Elizabeth: Oh wow. Not even close.

Jack pouts.

Elizabeth: Curiosity. You're going to want to be admired. You won't be able to resist. You'll want to know what it tastes like.

Jack: Does it taste like rum?

Elizabeth: You're hopeless.

Elizabeth walks away. Jack notices that the black spot is back, and he has a minor freak-out attack.

Gibbs: Land ho!

Jack: Crap, where did I put that jar of dirt?

Ragetti and Pintel are sitting in a rowboat, rowing. Jack and the jar of dirt are sitting in the back of the boat, and Norrington is sitting in the front of the boat. They were probably arguing, so Ragetti had to separate them.

Pintel: You're rowing too fast!

Ragetti: You're rowing too slow!

Pintel: I don't want to get eaten by the kraken, so I'm saving my strength for when it comes.

Ragetti: That's dumb.

Pintel: Is not!

Ragetti: Is too!

Pintel: Your mom is dumb!

Norrington: Shut up! You're both dumb!

Pause.

Pintel: I don't think it should be pronounced "kraken" anyways. I've always heard it said "kray-ken".

Ragetti: What, with the long 'a'?

Pintel: Yeah.

Ragetti: That's weird. It's pronounced "kroken" in the original Scandinavian, and "kraken" is closer to that.

Pintel: Well, we're not original Scandinavians, are we? It's "kray-ken".

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Norrington: Shut up! There's no such thing as a kraken, so it doesn't matter! You're making my head hurt. Do you have any aspirin?

Ragetti: I don't think it's been invented yet.

Finally the boat lands on shore. Everyone climbs out. Jack picks up a shovel.

Jack: Guard the boat, and don't touch my dirt.

Pintel: Why do we have to watch the boat?

Jack: Because you annoyed me.

Ragetti: Oh... I guess that makes sense...

Elizabeth leads Jack and Norrington across the beach. She is following the compass, and then starts walking in circles. The compass's needle keeps pointing to Jack.

Norrington: That's interesting, Elizabeth. It looks like the compass is pointing to...

Elizabeth: Shut up. It is not.

Compass: Elizabeth and Jack, sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

Elizabeth chucks the thing at the ground.

Elizabeth: Stupid! It doesn't work. And it certainly doesn't show you what you want most.

Elizabeth sits down on the ground and pouts.

Jack: You found it!

Elizabeth: I what?

Jack: You're sitting on it! Move!

Elizabeth moves. Jack motions for Norrington to start digging.

Norrington: Why do I have to dig?

Jack: There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who don't suck, and those who dig. You dig.

Norrington pouts, but he digs anyway.

Ragetti and Pintel are getting bored.

Ragetti: I spy something... blue.

Pintel: The sky.

Ragetti: You're good at this game.

Pintel: My turn. I spy... something... blue.

Ragetti: The sky?

Pintel: No, stupid, the ocean!

Ragetti: Oh.

Ragetti picks up a shovel and balances it on his hand.

Ragetti: Look at this! I could be in the circus!

Pintel: You could be in the circus anyway, in the freak show.

Ragetti: Hey!

The Flying Dutchman is nearby, and Davy Jones notices Ragetti and Pintel through his telescope.

Davy Jones: Somebody go kill the helmsman, we weren't fast enough.

Random Undead Fish-Man: Okay, boss.

The random undead fish-man goes to kill the helmsman.

Hammer: What do we do now?

Davy Jones: Well, we have two options. We could sit here, eat scones, and watch Gilligan's Island reruns, or we could go ashore and take the chest from them.

Hammer: I think we should go ashore and take the chest.

Davy Jones: Good answer. Don't fail me, or you'll end up like the helmsman.

In the background, the random undead fish-man chucks the helmsman's body into the ocean.

Hammer: Right then... We'll get the chest.

The Flying Dutchman submerges itself, which is a really neat trick. Ragetti and Pintel, however, don't take the time to marvel at the CGI. They hear the giant splash, and run for it.

Jack is sitting on the beach, practicing yoga, while Norrington digs. Suddenly Norrington hits something hard. They pull a wooden chest out of the sand, and Jack breaks it open. Inside they find another chest. They put their ears to it and hear the beating of a heart.

Elizabeth: It's alive!

Norrington: You were telling the truth?

Jack: I do that quite a lot, actually. You people always find it so surprising.

Will appears out of nowhere.

Will: Can you really blame us?

Elizabeth runs to Will and hugs him. They kiss, while Norrington and Jack watch. Norrington looks like he's about to cry.

Jack: How did you get here?

Will: The coast guard rescued me with one of their helicopters.

Jack: What's a helicopter?

Norrington: What's the coast guard?

Will: I don't know. I made that up.

Jack: Then how did you get here? Magic?

Will: Yup.

Jack: Of course.

Will: But I do owe you thanks, Jack.

Jack: You bet you do. Why?

Will: Well, after you tricked me onto the Flying Dutchman to square your debt with Jones...

Elizabeth: What?

Jack repeats her, sounding like he's sucked helium.

Jack: What?

Will: ...I was reunited with my father.

Jack: See? It all worked out then, didn't it?

Elizabeth: Jack, you jerkface, you lied to me!

Jack: Um... oops?

Will takes out Bootstrap's knife and kneels next to the chest. Jack takes out his sword and points it at Will.

Jack: What are you doing?

Will: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm going to kill Jones.

Jack: Sorry, can't let you do that. See, if Jones is dead... who's going to tell his beastie to stop trying to eat me?

Will takes Elizabeth's sword and points it at Jack.

Will: I promised my father I'd free him. I'm not a jerkface like you, and so I intend to keep that promise.

Norrington takes out his sword and points it at Will, too.

Norrington: I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Sparrow, but I can't let you kill it, either.

Jack: I knew you believed in me, deep down.

Norrington points his sword at Jack, and Will points his sword at Norrington, so they form a triangle. A ridiculous-looking triangle. It's like they're five or something.

Norrington: Beckett wants that heart, and if I give it to him, I get my life back.

Up until now, our friend Norrington had been one of the almost-good-guys. Now he's one of the almost-bad-guys.

Jack: The dark side of ambition.

Norrington: I prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.

Jack: You're in denial.

Norrington starts attacking people, so naturally, they fight back. That's the second fight Norrington has started so far.

Elizabeth: Stop it! You're acting like five-year-olds!

Elizabeth throws rocks at them. They still ignore her. Ragetti and Pintel notice the commotion.

Pintel: What the heck? How'd this go all screwy?

Ragetti: Each person wants the chest for himself, and instead of working together to solve their collective problems, they've decided to attack each other with swords.

Pintel: Oh. That chest must be worth a lot, then...

Ragetti: It certainly is causing a lot of problems.

Pintel: I bet we could solve everything if we just removed that chest.

Ragetti and Pintel go to get the chest. Elizabeth notices and chases them.

Will, Norrington, and Jack are still fighting each other like idiots. They're tripping each other, throwing sand, and swinging their swords. They end up in this old building. Norrington trips Jack, and he grabs a rope that is connected to a bell, so the bell starts ringing.

The undead fish-men hear the bell and start towards the source of the noise.

They're still fighting each other, and end up outside on the roof of the building. Jack steals the key from Will, then Will and Norrington turn on him.

Norrington: Excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.

Will: Have fun.

Jack: I didn't ruin your life, he did!

Will: Did not.

Jack: Did too.

Will: Did not!

Jack: Yes you did!

Norrington: Okay, okay! I'll just kill you both, how's that?

Jack: Well, I do hope you realize that if it hadn't been for him, you would've hanged me. Right? So it's actually his fault that you've ended up a suckerface loser who takes orders from pirates.

Norrington takes a swing at Jack, but Jack jumps off the roof and escapes. Norrington turns on Will.

Norrington: He has a point, you know.

He's just making excuses, of course. He won't admit to himself that it's his own fault that he's ended up without a job. Who decided to sail through a hurricane? And who, instead of trying to solve their problems the proper way, quit their job and went to Tortuga to drink himself senseless? Yeah. Exactly. But, Norrington won't admit it to himself, so he starts attacking Will.

Jack trips and falls in a grave, while Will and Norrington start rolling across the island on the giant wheelie-dealie. Elizabeth is chasing Ragetti and Pintel, but soon the undead fish-men catch them and they're all fighting for the chest. What's fun is that they're one sword short, so they have to share. Jack ends up on the wheel for a while, but then falls off once he gets the key.

Undead Fish-Man Larry steals the chest from Ragetti. Jack chucks a cocount at Undead Fish-Man Larry, and Larry's head falls off while his body wanders around.

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: Hey! Over here!

Jack goes over to the chest.

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: To the left... other left!

Undead Fish-Man Larry's body walks into a tree.

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: No, stupid, that's a tree.

Jack: Oh, shut up.

Undead Fish Man-Larry's head: Make me.

Jack drop-kick's Larry's head halfway across the island. Then he unlocks the chest, revealing a beating heart. He stuffs the heart in his shirt (ew) then closes the chest and runs away. Two nanoseconds later, Elizabeth, Pintel, and Ragetti run in and take the chest, not knowing that it's now empty.

Jack runs to the rowboat and puts the heart in his jar of dirt. Elizabeth, Ragetti, and Pintel also make it to the boat with the empty chest. The giant wheel thingy rolls in, with Norrington and Will inside it. The wheel rolls out onto the water, then falls over. Will and Norrington climb out of the wheel.

Will: I think I'm gonna puke...

Norrington: Someone make it stop spinning...

Will pulls out his sword and tries to stagger towards the fighting, but he falls over and can't seem to get back up. Norrington starts off in the wrong direction, trips, then stands up again and manages (somehow) to get over to the rowboat. He steals the Letters of Marque out of Jack's coat, then notices the spilled dirt.

Ragetti and Pintel try to escape in the boat, but Will points his sword at them. They try to grab their own swords, but then realize that Elizabeth has them. Will takes the chest, and Jack "accidentally" knocks him out with an oar.

Jack: Oops...

Elizabeth: Will!

Jack: Leave him, unless you plan on using him to hit something with...

Elizabeth: We're screwed...

Norrington: I'll take the chest and draw them away.

Norrington takes the chest.

Elizabeth: You're crazy.

Norrington: Don't wait for me.

Norrington runs away with the chest. The undead fish-men follow.

Jack: You heard the man! Don't wait for him!

The pirates leave in the rowboat.

Norrington runs across the island, then trips over his own two feet and falls in a hole. He reaches for his sword, but undead fish-man Larry steps on it. (Apparently Larry found his head, he is now holding it under his arm.)

Undead Fish-Man Larry: Nice try, sucker. We'll just kill you, then take the chest anyway.

Norrington: Think fast!

Norrington whips the chest at Undead Fish-Man Larry, then runs away again.

Long chapter, but there aren't really any good stopping points here. Hope you liked it! (Reviews make me happy...) :D