Evening Talks

Ron had been preparing for the evening, and he had something special in mind.

Which went away the moment he saw Kim's expression. She didn't even say anything, just flung herself into his arms and held on to him like she was afraid he'd vanish.

"What happened?" He asked Monique and Joss. The African American waved a hand at him.

"Kim had a little panic attack, Ron. You need to let her tell you about it when she's ready." She said, "Joss and I will give you the wiki tomorrow on everything else." With that, Monique and Joss took off.

Why would they-right, Kim never really dealt well with looking out of control, especially in front of others. He could feel her heart thudding.

"KP?" Ron asked, "Are you okay?"

"Don't let me go. Please, don't let me go." Kim said, starting to sob.

"It's okay, Kim, I have you." Ron said, holding on to her. He walked her over to the couch and sat her down, Kim still clutching at him. He'd find out exactly what happened later. But right now she just needed to be held.

Minutes passed and he felt Kim start to calm down. Her heart slowed up and her trembling started to go away.

"I…I um, had a panic attack, Monique said." Kim told him. She shivered but things were better now that she was with Ron, now that she could be certain that he was here, real and not simply some dream.

"Well it's okay." Ron said, "Don't need to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I have to." Kim said. "I… they were bothering Joss, they knocked her cap off."

Ron didn't bother to ask who they were. He knew.

"someone wanted to have some fun with a 'laydown'." He quietly said.

"That's what they- how-"

"It got coined a few years ago when the Quakers had some demonstrations along with other conscientious objectors. " He sighed, "You're a 'laydown' because you'd just lay down and die." Kim pulled her head away, looking at Ron, the tear streaks apparent in the light of the dying day.

"That's stupid- I mean, Joss-"

"It's wrong…but I." Ron sighed, "I think I understand both sides—not those jackasses, they were just looking for some fun." And maybe I should bother to find out who you were so I can make certain the law lands on you with full weight. "But…" He trailed off looking at Kim.

"Ron." She said, "This is Joss, she's- I mean you think she's wr-" Kim broke off, flustered, "What's wrong about not wanting to kill?"

"Nothing. But there may be something wrong with not being able to Kill." Ron said, then groaned, "This wasn't' what I wanted to be talking about, but Ah hell, Kim, I've got a different perspective on it then her." Kim was calming down now, and her eyes held interest and more than a little tension.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. First of all, Joss has never said it, doesn't even think it, but understand that when people are calling you a laydown, it's easy to respond by calling them murderers. Tara's not a murderer, but it only takes a few loud mouths on their side to convince people that every Quaker or pacifist is… well you get the picture."

"OK." Kim said, "And you were saying."

"Well, Joss is a pacifist, and she will bring up Martin Luther King, and Ghandi." Ron shrugged, "That makes sense…. Except for one thing." Kim waited as Ron marshaled his thoughts before continuing. "I'm a Jew, KP."

"I noticed that."

"Still thinking of the Bar Mitzvah?"

"Yeah."

"Others might as well. Both my grandparents were Jewish." Ron paused, "If we had any kids, one of their parents would be Jewish."

"Well duh." Kim said, "Good enough for me."

"Good enough for the Nazi's as well." Ron quietly commented. "See, MLK and Ghandi both existed among societies where wholesale murder wasn't really accepted—but there were practitioners of nonviolence among the Jews of Europe and it didn't get them anything. Some people you have to fight, and kill, because it's that or you'll be killed, and worse yet, the people you defend will also die."

"And Joss-"

"Doesn't like me that much for what I do." Ron said, "And she'd be in the forefront of disaster relief when we're attacked—make no mistake Kim, I'm not saying she isn't brave, because she is and she'd be the first one to refuse to cooperate, even if she knew it would mean she'd be shot." He clenched his hand, "but I've seen people who would shoot her, who would use machine guns to turn a ditch into an abattoir, including some poor damned terrified kid who is hanging on to his teddy bear for dear life-" His hand unclenched and his voice went back down to it's normal level.

Kim suddenly remembered a teddy bear sitting in a glass case in his office.

Oh Ron, I'm so sorry. She thought, putting her hand over his.

"And they'd kill Joss. They'd kill the very thing that lets Joss be." Ron said, "So I'll stop them—in my way and yeah, sometimes that may mean killing, just like Tara would."

"And where does that leave Joss?"

"It… it leaves her reminding me that there has to be an ending to the killing some day." Ron said, "That no matter how much I want to, we can't make a Roman ending to it with a desert and call it peace, or worse, start to think the Nazi's were right… and maybe we should use their tools."

"Don't even-" Kim paused, she was going to say joke about it. But Ron was deadly serious.

"I know. Rabbi Katz got a little annoyed."

"A Little?"

"It was… a bad time in my life." Ron said softly. "But he reminded me of something that had come up in Bar Mitzvah class, that I try to remember now and then."

"What?"

"Rabbi Hillel the Elder. He was pretty early." Ron paused, "didn't you study this?"

I stayed away from Judaism. Kim thought, Because it reminded me of how far away I was from you.

"I hadn't quite gotten to it." She said.

"Okay." Ron said, and continued. "He said: 'That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.'" Ron closed his eyes. "It sounds so easy, doesn't it? But it's hard. So damned hard. Some stupid college girl decides that starving half the world is the way she can show everyone how much she's against the man, decides forthem who will live and who will die…" His hand clenched, spastically. "And then I take her and break her, terrify her more than she's ever been terrified in her life, because dammit I want her to hurt a tenth as much as she has planned for others…" He took a breath, "And so I do that to a college student who I could break in half without blinking….and then that phrase that Rabbi Katz introduced me to decides to take a little dance though my subconscious and say hi! when I'm justifying myself."

Kim had no idea what he was talking about—what college girl, and this wasn't the time to ask. She put her arms around him and pulled him close.

"If it was just me, maybe I could." Ron said, talking to himself more than Kim now. "Maybe Tara could. But it's never just us, not any more. Killing is hateful. But some of our enemies seem to worship it. They make bioweapons to put in the cities and target schools and burn down medical clinics in their own nations because they don't want their own people to enjoy the fruits of care. Sometimes I wonder if Hillel is wr-"

"Ron." Kim said softly. "Stop." She put her hands over his clenched fists. I was crying a few minutes ago. How can I say this now? How can I be so calm? A quiet voice in her mind seemed to reply.Because this is for Ron, and we're never stronger than when we're helping each other. Never stronger than when we're giving up all our strength to the other, however strange that sounds. Ron had been able to calm her with his touch. Nothing magical, no mystic power or spells or ancient sorcery.

Just him, and it was her time to return the favor.

She waited until his fists were relaxed, leaning into him, holding him, drinking in his warmth, and his presence.

"Hillel isn't wrong. He's right, and you know it." She said softly. "None of us are perfect, and the things you've seen." She closed her eyes, "I know—even with what you can't tell me, I know. I'm not the only one who occasionally has nightmares, after all."

"I need to stop talking in my sleep."

"Maybe. But what makes you so angry proves that you're still following it as closely as you can—because if you didn't find it hateful, if it didn't tear you up, you wouldn't be like this. You'd be able to laugh it off make jokes about it and would never get upset when Joss said something."

"That might be a plus to your folks—they can tell you about some dinners…" Ron said, a half smile on his face.

Kim didn't smile back. "No it wouldn't—because a quiet dinner wouldn't be worth the price, and we'd see it in your eyes every day."

"What?"

"Your soul. What makes you Ron. What makes the person who had to repeat home financial planning twice, get animated and start showering everyone around him with numbers and forecasts when someone says: microloan program, or who pays more than he has to insure that your suppliers pay their workers a living wage."

"I…" Ron started, "I get obsessed some times, like when I tried to run over you-"

"And you're not off the hook for that." Kim said, a small smile on her face, "but I know why you did it." She paused, "Sometimes…I feel so happy that you're staying with me, especially when I feel so broken, like I did today. I used to laugh off laser guns, and death traps…and three men that I could break in half left me crying in the street like some kid."

"You're not broken." Ron said, his voice firm, "And don't say that around your mother or you might find out you're not too big to spank." He paused, "You made a choice. For me. And you paid a price I don't know if I could pay."

"There were a few times I didn't know if I could pay it." Kim said softly. "that place… going back…scares me Ron. More than anything. More than death."

"It scares me…. Being apart from you." Ron said. "That's why…" He paused.

"What?"

Is this the right time? Maybe I should wait? Ron's mind was flip flopping—This wasn't how he planned it out.

But on the other hand. On the other hand, he needed to ask.

"Would you marry me?"

TBC.

The Thesis is raising it's ugly head again, so updates will slow down a bit-- but take a look at Captain Kodaks Visiting Day, which a really, really great take on some of the things Kim and Ron went through while she was in jail. And lest you think I'm shirking, I'm wading through abolitionist poetry of the 1790's...mostly bad poetry.

Very Bad Poetry. Bleh.

Also note that Rabbi Hillel is a real person, who lived from the First Century BCE to the first century CE, and formulated both the Golden Rule (included here) and several other very important philosophies and sayings.