The Road Not Taken

Chapter 23

April 8, 1973

The day was shining this year unlike the previous one. He'd decided to walk to the cemetery and the movement had been good for him, although it was melancholy. Sam recalled how cold and wet the day had been last year and realized that his mood would have better fit it than this year. The last nine days had been Hell for him, questioning himself, becoming distracted. He'd even flunked the first test in his life last week in the Agri-business class he was taking. He just couldn't seem to focus.

He'd taken this Monday off from school as well. He'd been home all weekend and had assured his parents that he was fine, even though he hadn't felt that way. They were concerned with his lack of appetite and his general listlessness. He told them he was hurt but he would get over it eventually. Time heals all wounds.

Sam had called Donna the previous Tuesday knowing she would be heading back to school. He'd left message after message but she refused to call him back. It was sinking in. Their relationship had come to an end and Sam's heart was heavy with pain.

A part of him felt, though, that perhaps this was for the best. After all, Donna had made it clear that she didn't want the same life he did, keeping the farm in his family for another generation. He tried to tell himself that he was lucky that she'd come to this decision before they made the mistake of actually going through the ceremony only to get a divorce later. He had just felt that their love was one that wouldn't follow that path.

As he approached the grave, he noticed how thick the grass had grown on the site. He noticed a few dandelions had started to push their leaves up and he felt the passage of time keenly.

"It's been four years now, Tom." He began as he knelt down to arrange the flowers his mother had requested he bring to his brother's grave. Having something to occupy his hands was helpful as it still hurt to think he'd never again see his brother. He closed his eyes tightly and pulled his lips together as he attempted to control the feeling that welled within him. "I still miss you so much. I wish you were here to talk with now."

Pulling a pocket knife out, he went to work on the dandelions, hoping to pull them out by their roots. The expended energy allowed him to keep his emotions in check. He figured in some ways it was a losing battle, but on the other hand, it gave him something to do while he held his one sided conversation.

"You know Donna? The woman I said I was interested in? We got engaged in November, but she broke it off last week." Until he'd said it, he'd been holding up pretty good. Now the tears started to fall, tickling his face with their travel. He brushed them away before continuing with a cracked voice. "She wasn't willing to share my life, Tom. She said she didn't want to be a farmer's wife."

He paused for awhile, thinking back on the time since they'd met. Again the pain came and he wondered if he should just give up and follow her, reclaiming his dream to study Quantum Physics. Looking at the gravestone, he decided that nothing had really changed. He had to help his folks keep the farm.

"You know, Tom? I'm hurting bad now, but I think things will work out okay eventually. I mean, I'm still just 20 years old. I have my entire life ahead of me. I could meet someone else. After all, Dad was 29 when he married Mom. They have a good marriage. I just need to be patient."

Sam finished up with the minor weeding at the gravesite. He decided to close his eyes and allow the day to shine down on him for awhile. He allowed himself to imagine that it was like when Tom was alive and they would be close but not really talking. If he tried hard enough, perhaps he'd feel his brother was there beside him.

He opened his eyes and saw Tom walking towards him. A smile lit his face and he jumped up to run towards his brother. "Tom! Oh God! Tom! How are you alive? They made a mistake and it wasn't you? Right?"

Tom looked at him with sad eyes. "No, Sam. It wasn't a mistake. You're dreaming."

"Dreaming?" His heart fell harder. "Dreaming?" he repeated as tears sprung to his eyes. "I don't want to dream you. I want you here."

"I know, Sam. I wish I could be."

"Yeah, me too."

They looked at each other for a moment. Tom seemed ready to say something more.

"Sam? Are you okay?"

The sudden voice pulled him from his slumber and he opened his eyes to see his sister looking down at him. He figured with as little sleep as he'd had the past nine days, it wasn't surprising that he fell asleep.

"Katie? What are you doing here?" He scrubbed at his eyes to pull further into wakefulness.

"Mom sent me to look for you. It's been three hours, Sam." she said looking somewhat bothered that her Mother had sent her to find him.

Sam nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry. I guess I was just tired." He started to get up. "I had a dream about Tom."

"He's gone, Sam."

With annoyance in his voice, he snapped, "I know that, Katie." At the downturn of her mouth, he softened and smiled. "It was just nice to have the dream. It felt in the middle of it that he was still here. I miss him, Katie."

"I do too, Sam, but he's not coming back and dreams are just that. Dreams."

"I suppose," he said shrugging his shoulders. A residual feeling that perhaps this was more continued to linger in his mind. He wished that Katie hadn't awoken him when she did. He would have liked to hear what Tom would have said to him, even if it was a dream.

"Well, let's get back home. Mom's making peach cobbler with the rest of the frozen peaches from last summer. She said since you're going back to Purdue tomorrow, she wants to send you off with good memories."

"Okay. How did you get here?"

Katie narrowed her eyes. With the tone of exasperation that was common to teenagers she answered, "I drove, Sam. You know I can drive."

"Yeah. You're growing up," Sam replied, smiling at the fact that his little sister wasn't so little anymore. "Before you know it, you'll be heading off to college yourself."

Katie looked away suddenly. "Uh. Yeah. I guess." She paused and then turned back to him. "Come on, I'll race you to the truck and I'll beat you too."

He looked at the gravestone and then back at her. The sides of his mouth rose slightly clashing with the sadness in his eyes. "Give me a minute more, okay?"

She started to open her mouth but instead nodded as she looked into his eyes. She was silent as he finished his visit with their dead sibling.

With a quiet softness in his voice, Sam bid his farewell. "Hey, Tom, I've got to go now." He took a deep breath and then allowed himself to disconnect from the moment. With a grin he looked over to his sister adding, "I need to show our little sister a thing or two about racing. See you later." With that he started to run towards the truck.

Katie was startled but quickly caught up with him. They reached the vehicle at the same moment.

"Darn it!" Katie cried, panting, "I was sure I'd beat you."

"Hey, Sis, it's just after basketball season. What do you think I've been doing for the last few months?"

"I guess. Still…"

"Still nothing." Deciding to concede a bit of victory he added, "Besides, I did get that little bit a head start." She gave him a smile and he continued. "Now, get in the truck and let's get back home. If you say there's a peach cobbler with my name on it, I want to get there now." As he watched his sister turn the key and start the drive home, he suddenly realized that he was hungry.