Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with CBS, Guiding Light, Daniel Cosgrove, or Marcy Rylan.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! Been caught up in work, and the real drama of GL! It was a good week, eh? Ooo. Bill is going to be in troooouble when Lizzie finds out he saw Jon first! Glad that he was jealous enough to keep it secret though! Can't wait for next week. Hope Lizzie gets her little girl back!

Another sad/angsty one! I will redeem myself, one of these days!

For Keeps

V. "… but I can never be good for you. I'm not good for anybody."

They always say that everything looks a little bit better in the light of day. Lizzie found this to be a horrendously untrue fact. In fact, not only was the entire room filled with bright rushing light of day, but she was also wrapped up in the arms Bill Lewis, a man that she had even more feelings for than she cared to admit. He was still asleep, but his arms engulfed her small frame. His steady breath was the only thing keeping her calm.

When she looked at him she thought about what had almost been. They had almost been parents together. It could have been really great for them. He would have been weirded out at first, but he would have came around. He would have came around and been a great father. Billy would have been a great granddad for her son or daughter, and Vanessa would have been an amazing grand mother. Everything would have been perfect.

Except, it wasn't perfect. The baby was gone. Just like everything good in her life always went away. Just like Sarah had gone away.

And she realized that as perfect as her family could have been, the thing that was wrong. She was what was wrong. All of her life she had been an awful person. She had schemed, and did horrible things. Things that she couldn't take back. Things that had cost her the right to have anything good.

She slid out from Bill's grasp, and took her seat by the window, pulling her knees to her chest, and resting her head against the cotton of her nightdress.

Reva peeked open the door.

"Lizzie, the memorial service starts in an hour and a half, if you're up to coming."

Lizzie nodded, fighting back tears. "I'll be there. It's to remember my little girl after all."

Reva glanced at Bill's sleeping frame wrapped in the covers, still fully clothed.

"Did you two patch things up?" She whispered.

Lizzie glanced longingly at Bill, his brown hair over his closed eyes, his chest softly rising and falling. She wiped a tear and looked over at Reva.

"We having nothing to patch up…we're nothing to each other, and that's the way it's got to stay."

"Lizzie-"

"Reva, I've made up my mind."

"I know he said some hurtful things, but he came here, he stayed with you. He wants to be here for you Lizzie. And I know him, deep down, he's a good guy."

"I know" Lizzie said quietly, almost inaudibly, tears still streaming "And that's why he's got to stay the hell away from me."

Back at his own place, Bill stared at himself in the mirror. When he'd woke up at Cross Creek, the place had been empty. He knew the memorial was today, but Lizzie could have at least woken him up. He would have gone with her, held her hand, been there for her. She was mourning the loss of two kids now, and he didn't want her to do it alone.

Who was he kidding? She had people. She had Reva, and his dad, and even Beth and Lillian to take care of her. She didn't need him there.

Just as he was about to lie down on his bed to try and process everything that had been going on, make any sense at all out of it, he heard a knock on his door. A little pulling feeling in his gut longed for Lizzie to be standing in the frame when he pulled it open. For her to just fall into his arms, and let him take care of her.

No such luck.

It was the long, lean, and leggy form of a certain Spaulding intern, not the small blonde Spaulding girl herself.

Ava Peralta walked right passed Bill into his room, a chipper smiled plastered on her face.

"So, I thought that since everyone at Spaulding is going to be at the memorial fro Sarah today, we could go over have some fun in my new office" She said, sitting seductively on the edge of his bed, her mini skirt pulling up her thighs.

"Not really up for it."

Ava pouted, but attempted to pull him on top of her.

"Sure you are-"

Bill tried to distract her.

"So, aren't you supposed to like…go to this memorial? I mean Alan had you plan the whole thing, aren't you supposed to be there?"

Ava rolled her eyes and shrugged.

"I figured that he'd be too upset today to notice. I mean, I was already there while they were setting up and stuff, and it was pretty emotional."

"Was Lizzie there?" Bill blurted, before thinking tactfully.

Ava nodded, eyebrows cocked. "Of course. She was probably the first one there, besides Alan of course. "

"Was she…okay?"

"She was crying…a lot. It was a little much, I personally think she should lay off the theatrics-"

"She lost her babies Ava!"

Ava eyed Bill curiously. "You mean 'baby'. There was only one."

"Yeah, that's what I meant. Listen, why don't we go to the memorial instead, you know, pay our respects."

"No thank you, I've spent enough time thinking about that memorial while I was planning it. I wash my hands of it…why do you want to anyway? Lizzie is creepy. She's so obsessed with you, if you go; she's going to take it the wrong way."

"It's hard to explain, but I just have to go." Bill said, going for his coat.

"Wait a minute. Please don't tell me you've actually forged authentic feelings for her? Bill, she's a nut job! I should know."

"Don't say things like that about her" Bill protested harshly "She's been through a lot. She'd already been through a lot, and I put her through more, so I have to go. I have to be there for her."

Ava stood up in a huff.

"Fine. But when she drags you down with all her crazy clinginess and neediness, don't you dare think you can call me and have me rush over to get naked anymore."

Bill had a strong feeling he wouldn't call Ava ever again, but that if he did, she would likely come running just as hard as before. It was just the type of girl she seemed to be.

Bill slid into the back row of seats of the small church. The pews were pretty filled. Alan had made sure that his great-granddaughter's memorial was not sparse on mourners. Through all the people though, his eyes easily targeted Lizzie. Her face red and shiny, her hands tightly clenched on her lap.

No sooner had he walked in, and then was joined at his seat by his father, who had been sitting closer, behind Lizzie.

"What are you doing?" Bill asked

"Figured you might need a shoulder to lean on…Reva told me about what happened" Billy said quietly.

Bill shook it off "I'm fine. I'm just...here to pay my respects."

"You're here because you're worried about Lizzie…because you care about her."

Bill looked darkly over at his Dad, but said nothing. He directed his attention back to the front, where Lizzie was now taking the podium shakily. She had to grasp both sides of it to stay standing.

"A year ago today, I lost my daughter." Lizzie began, and took a shallow breath. "Not one day goes by that I don't think of her. Her face, her little hands, her little feet. The way she smiled for no reason. The way those smiles made me feel." Lizzie bit her lip, and looked down at her hands. Bill looked to the floor as well.

"When I lost Sarah, I lost everything. I lost the one good thing I'd ever done. I never could understand how someone so beautiful and pure could have came out of me…and maybe that's why she had to go away." Lizzie choked back tears, but they fell hotly down her cheeks anyway. "I never deserved Sarah, and she deserved way better than me. I only hope that up in Heaven Jon and Tammy are taking real good care of her." lan scoffed ath this, but Lizze kept on going.

"And I hope that she knows as bad as I am, as bad a mother as I was to her, that I loved her with all my heart…and that at least…at least three times a day…I wish that it had been me instead of her. And even though it kills me, I know God is never going to give me the chance to hurt anybody like I hurt her again."

And with that, Lizzie broke down, and almost passed out. Alan rushed forward to try and aide her, but Billy was there before him.

"Clear out from around her" Billy aid gruffly to Alan and Alex, who were pawing at her like vultures. "She just needs some air."

Billy put his arm around her, and helped her out the front doors of the church, as they walked by his pew, Bill held his hand out to graze hers as they went by. She just looked at him blankly.

When Billy reentered, the organs were playing, and people were going up one by one to light candles for Sarah, before Alan got up to talk.

Bill went forward and lit a candle, but didn't take his seat back to hear Alan talk. Instead, he went out the front door.

Lizzie was sitting in the grass, under a tree near the graveyard. He walked over with his hands in his pockets.

She didn't look up at him as he hovered over her.

"So. You sure know how to blow a guy off," He said lightly.

She didn't saying anything still, just tore a blade of grass from the ground.

Bill kneeled in front of her.

"That stuff you just said in there, if you believe that, than you're crazy Lizzie. You're are not a bad person, and God isn't trying to protect anybody from you."

Lizzie finally looked in his eyes.

"Stay away from me Bill."

"Why?" He asked quickly "Because you want me to leave you alone, or because you're afraid I'm going to hurt you more. Because I don't want to hurt you Lizzie…I want to be with you." Bill took her shaking hand in both of his.

Lizzie put her other hand on top for a second, and traced the spaces between his knuckles, giving him a deep longing stare. He went in to kiss her, but all of sudden; she pushed him back, and stood up hastily.

"No Bill. This isn't gong to work. We…just won't work"

He stood up, brushing himself off, and looked down at her. "Listen, I know you're scared, to start something new, and so am I, but I think we can make it work. If you just let me try, I think I can be good for you."

Lizzie pursed her lips in pain, and looked at him teary eyed

"But that's just it. I know you can, but I can never be good for you. I'm not good for anybody."