Hey, the last chapter!! I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Again, please send in any ideas you have for the ICOF menu. Sure I could come up with all of it myself, but it's more fun this way and some of you come up with some awesome ideas!
Random Bits 15 -Chapter 3
Setting: Yuna and company are helping the Al Bhed rebuild Home. With supplies running low, Tidus and Rikku volunteer to go with Cid and Brother to buy more. Unfortunately, after annoying Cid, Tidus and Brother are made to stay on the airship.
Bikanel Island - Rikku's quarters- Tidus has just learned where all those suspicious spheres of him have been coming from.
"The guy is sick!" Tidus exclaimed in a tortured whisper. He tramped around the room whispering in the tense tones of someone, through by great effort, was forcing themselves to be quiet when what they really want to do was scream loud enough to shatter glass. "He's like some kind of pedophile! How did…when?" Memory flung up a few dusty images of Auron and three old men. It was followed by the memory of the streaking dare in Besaid, and the Pantsing incident in Bevelle. "That…!"
"Shhhhhh!" Brother hissed, making placating gestures. "If Rikku finds us…" He let the sentence trail off, leaving Tidus to fill in the consequence of his choice.
Muttering and vowing revenge, the blond Abes star settled down with a huff.
Auron's got this really twisted sense of humor that I really like. If only he was a few years younger…
"Like fifty!" Tidus spat viciously as he read the entry.
"Gross!" Brother added. "And she has nerve to talk about my problems!" What some girls found so appealing about older men was a mystery to both 'Y's. They just didn't know what they found so attractive about Alcyone's Feet around the eyes, thinning hair, sagging jowls, and a chin you could crack a Mafdet on. It could have been any number of reasons like 1. Older men were more mature, and thus long past giggling about bodily functions, 2. They already have their own place, vehicle and job, 3. They know where their waist is, so their pants aren't hanging around their knees, and 4. Men don't live as long as women, thus leaving the loving wife set for life, and with the option of remarrying another older man 'cause let's face it, why ruin a good thing? (aside from the fact that it's just plain wrong. I'll stick to my own age group thank you!).
Tidus Scanned through the next few paragraphs, then handed the book over and switched places with Brother. Girls tend to write about something the way they talk about it: a lot. Your typical 'X' will write down, say a trip to the mall, in great detail. Entire conversations will be written down, along with all the places she visited, how many steps were between each store, who she went with, and what they were wearing. It might take pages to properly record.
Guys are different. They can sum it all up in as little as six words (if they remember to write anything down). They've got the writing thing down to an art. A typical entry follows a strict format: When, where, and what. Example: Today: Went to Gatta's . Watched game. Simple, blissfully short and to the point!
Brother settled onto the small stool and read aloud.
Argh! I'm like, so depressed! I must have been sick on the day that Yevon handed out the Big Boobs, either that or I was last in line when they ran out. But you know what's really depressing? Even Wakka's man-boobs are bigger than mine!
"You, know," Tidus said slowly, trying to shake off the feeling that his brain had just vomited inside his skull. "That's more about Wakka than I really wanted to know." A disturbing mental image of Wakka and his man-boobs wobbled across the back of his eyelids, forever searing its white hot horror into his minds eye (where it would take years and some serious therapy before the light spot from that memory faded). The perversity of the attached mental image giggled and jinked up his spine, leaving Disgust in its wake. He shivered, causing his brain to bob. "She's even more obsessed with knockers than I am!"
Brother scratched his tattooed head. "What are 'man-boobs'?" Tidus gagged and replied "Ask your dad."
Yunie is so lucky to have such great friends, especially Kimahri. He's like a bodyguard and pet all rolled into one. He looks scary fierce, but he's really just a cuddly widdle kitty inside! I know,…
Brother and Tidus tried to imagine Kimahri being cuddly and kitten-like, but all they could imagine was that dour countenance, burning eyes, and the threatening way he loomed behind Yuna.
…Because I've seen his sphere page. He listed his hobbies a Guarding, ironing Yunie's clothes, and chasing butterflies.
Guess what? There's a new style in Luca. All the guys are wearing short, tight shirts and loose pants. Okay, so it isn't all that different from before, but the patterns and colors are a lot better this time around. Yellow is definitely out. Wakka (aka Tubby, evil smiley) decided to try it out. He had this gross little fat roll hanging out from under his shirt! Talk about 'overhang'. It looked like someone slashed open a can of ready to bake biscuits! (Pillsbury homestyle biscuits anyone?) I don't think…
After a few minutes, both boys became aware of an insistent beeping. Both miscreants froze in sudden panic. There was a brief moment of uncoordinated flailing as their brains took over their peripheral nervous systems.
Warning buzzers were slapped on and Impending Disaster was announced over the intercom: Warning! Warning! Rikku/Little Sister (delete which ever is inappropriate) is approaching! Danger! Motor Skill meltdown. Initate 'Survival Measures'! Neurons fired in panic as everything went fruit shaped, and everyone rushed around grabbing personal possessions, screaming, and stealing office supplies while the backbone was turned.
At the back of Tidus' and Brother's minds a few brain cells took over and suggested that someone tell the legs to get moving. At a high rate of speed. Oh, and make sure they are both going in the same direction. Bugger everybody else.
Both boys simultaneous stood and bolted for the Bridge in that odd running motion that suggested that the legs were doing the thinking. Brother suddenly went from fast forward motion to a dead standstill that defied the very laws of physics. He vibrated slightly, doing an uncanny impression of a knife thrown into a table top. Brother waved his arms frantically at Tidus while he waited for the speech centers of his brain to catch up with his thoughts. " Don't follow! Don't follow! Clean room…everything exactly where found it!" he nearly screamed, shoving Tidus back towards Rikku's room.
That said, the taller boy pounded up to the intercom, gasped for breath, then hit the blinking button and said casually "Rammu?"
"It's about time!" came Cid's irate voice (but then again, he always sounded irate) "We've been hailing you for the past five minutes."
"Sorry. I was in the …bathroom?"
"Well, get the loading dock ready, we're almost there."
Brother turned and fled back to Rikku's room.
In Rikku's sanctum, the Jecht Spawn was doing the Flight of the BiteBug as he cleaned up the room. He was going to need a serious de-bugging to get rid of all the cooties ( girl germs, female funk, etc.) he had picked up. The last thing the blond wanted was to have one of his blitz ball team mates asking him uncomfortable questions, like "Do I smell 'girl' on you?", "Who is she?", "Is there something you want to 'come out' about?", "It's okay, we'll understand.", "Hey, guys, don't drop the soap!", or have someone whisper "Backs to the wall, guys!" when ever he walked into a room.
Tidus dumped everything back into its respective drawer and slammed it shut. "What are you doing?!" Brother shouted, bursting into the room. Tidus jumped in fright and let out a very unmanly squeal. He yelped as the tattooed Al Bhed boy gripped him by his biceps and shook him vigorously. Tidus' head bounced around, making a rattling noise.
"E cyet bid pylg--!" he shouted, slipping into Al Bhed in his panic, then continued in Spiran "Put back exactly!". He left Tidus standing in stunned silence as he sidled around the room, adjusting various items by millimeters. The first rule of snooping is : Always leave everything exactly like you found it. Especially when snooping in a girl's room. They have the unsettling ability to remember little details like how many wrinkles weren't in the bedspread when they left, how far out the dresser drawer was, and how many Hershey kisses were in the candy box on the dresser. Some of them even have small cameras hidden in the eyes of their teddy bears. Think about that the next time you're snooping around your sister's room while picking your nose.
"Hurry, are almost here!" Brother urged as he pulled out a drawer shook it to erase the 'rifled-through' look. Tidus edged around him and dropped the diary back into the underwear drawer, then jumped out of the way barely in time as Brother lunged at him in panic. "No! Exactly like it was!" he screeched, shoving his hand into the panty infested drawer to push the book into the rear right corner…face down…with the spine facing the back…diagonally.
"Go open loading dock." Brother snapped in exasperation. The young blitz star decided not to argue and sprinted to the door, his last glimpse of the Al Bhed boy was of him on his hands and knees obsessively fluffing the carpet so the foot prints wouldn't show.
Moments later, the loading dock was down and Tidus and Brother were pelting down the corridor to the Bridge. Brother trotted through the doorway, followed by Tidus. The Spawn of Jecht (unable to resist an opportunity to show off) attempted a Standing Slide into the Bridge for a bit of dramatic flair, but ended up bouncing across the floor on his face as his feet hit the rubber mats Cid had installed to prevent slips (and therefore on the job accident lawsuits. It pays to cover your bum from all sides).
Tidus jumped up, doing that special over the shoulder glance people do to make sure no one saw them make a Chocobo's behind of themselves. He sheepishly joined Brother in leaning on the bulkhead in what was know as the 'Casual Slouch'. It's the sideways slouch that people adopt when they want to look totally relaxed and innocent (usually after they get caught stealing something, touching something, breaking something, or talking about someone), but only serves to make them look more suspicious. And that was how Rikku and Cid found them.
Exuding 'slickness' from every pore, Brother and Tidus each raised a hand in greeting. They were met with stunned silence before Cid loosed an explosive sigh and turned, muttering as he left, "I should have recognized the signs." They watched the man leave, then turned their gazes on Rikku. The girls was giving them a look that burned with all the scorn of …well..an angry woman.
Analogies like angrier than: a rampaging elephant, a sack full of wet cats, a swarm of hornets, and an old man denied his senior discount, didn't come close to the all consuming wrath of an enraged female. They flinched in the laser beam scowl and attempted to smile. Too bad that their smiles got a good lock at Rikku's frown and fled in panic.
The megawatt glare was suddenly replaced by a smile of wicked, impish, and above all, sinister, glee. The 'Y's abruptly experienced a bladder squeezing terror as Rikku reached into her pocket. "I'm so glad you had such a good time snooping around my room." she said sweetly, causing the boys to sweat. It's never good when a woman says anything sweetly. It usually means Big Trouble.
"I…don't know what you mean." Brother quavered in Al Bhed, too nervous to remember Spiran.
"Oh, don't be silly. I know you two were reading my diary." the perky girl countered as she pulled out a small, flat rectangle of glass and metal. Tidus and Brother didn't know what it might have been, but they were certain it was some kind of Instrument of Torture. Brother glanced at his fellow culprit. He saw his thoughts reflected in the young Abes' star's eyes: Dude, she knows!
"Uh…no we weren't!" Tidus squeaked in a last ditch effort to live. Rikku let out a dark chuckle, aimed the strange device in her hands at Brother and Tidus, and flipped a switch on its side. The machina made a soft whirring sound. "Yes you were. I can tell, and I'm going to make sure you never do it again!"
We're dead! Tidus' and Brother's brain cells screamed as a small telescoping tube slid silently out of the front of the instrument like a viper. Faced with impending annihilation, the two captured explorers did what comes natural in situations like these. They held hands and closed their eyes.
Click!
Both boys flinched. There was that long, tense moment when the body quickly takes inventory of all its parts to make sure it has still got them all. Tidus and Brother cautiously cracked open their eyes. They squealed and clutched each other as the device flashed and went click!, again.
"Ooooh! That one's even better!" Rikku chirped. The two males opened their eyes to see the slender Al Bhed girl comparing two flat square of what looked like sphere material. There was a long, embarrassed Silence in which Brother and Tidus realized that they weren't dead after all, and that their faces were touching. They separated with lightning speed, flying apart with the unspoken agreement that neither one of them would ever speak of the incident again. "These are sooo uber cool!" Rikku sang, slotting the squares into a special dock in the control panel below the main monitor. "I told you I could tell you were in my room." she laughed. "Don't you two look cute?"
With mind-numbing horror, the young Guardian and Rikku's sibling took in the life (and social image) shattering pictures on the monitor. There was Brother and Tidus, beribboned, hair-clipped, scrunchiied, pigtailed, bowed, lip glossed, and eye shadowed. And in accordance with cosmic law, they were both making lame faces.
There's no escaping it. For most of us, there is no such thing as a good photo. Take a picture, posed or free-style, and the subject will always be making a face, have a bad case of flyaway hair, be doing something weird with their hands, or look just plain goofy. It's not that we can't take a good picture (in fact, every picture is perfect), it's just that somewhere between the lens and the paper, the picture gets warped. Every camera does it. On purpose.
Brother was the ugliest girl imaginable, thanks to the tattoos and his Mohawk. There was no denying the fact that he was obviously a man masquerading as a girl. Tidus on the other hand, actually looked like a girl and could have easily passed as Rikku's older sister(who, following the family naming system, would be called Sister. She would, of course, be younger than their older cousin, Cousin. Duh!).
"Do you like my new invention?" Rikku continued conversationally, saving several copies to the ship's main computer.
"It's like a Sphere only less bulky, more like a small flyer. It imprints the picture on these thin sheets of Sphere material called 'Flats'. They're a lot easier to carry around. More importantly, their content can be uploaded to onto the Sphere-net a lot easier.
Tidus and Brother tried to swallow around hard lumps of dread as Rikku stalked towards them and said with terrible cheer,
"It's just in time for the new Net craze too! Wanna know what it is?" Both boys nodded in terrified curiosity.
"An online Diary." Rikku grinned as they shuddered at the mention of the word 'diary'.
"It will be better than a regular diary because I can upload pictures and videos to accompany my entries, and I can share my favorite memories with all my friends. These pictures would be perfect for my very first entry."
"You wouldn't dare!" Brother sputtered in defiant horror. "Right Tidus?"
Brother threw a sidelong look at the other boy to find that he didn't look as panic stricken as he should. In fact, he looked almost unconcerned.
"What's wrong with you?! She is going to be uploading us! Where others can see!" Tidus shrugged and said in a relieved voice,
"No one will recognize me, so it doesn't really matter. It sucks for you though."
End
For Prints of Tidus and Brother, please contact Rikku via her s-mail : machinagoddess(at symbol)spherespace(dot)snet. Use her computer, just leave no trace of your presence! (Don't forget to send me your ICOF ideas!)