Chapter 8: Waiting

As Buffy waited she replayed the last few days in her mind starting with her not so brilliant idea of taking William clubbing. She's spent so much time getting ready. Choosing her outfit carefully. She wanted to make an impact on him. Only to have it ruined by her having to attack his attire.

Then once inside she tried so hard to get him out on the dance floor. Trying again when she knew the band was gearing up for a slow song only to witness his seduction by some slut.

Then if that night wasn't enough of a disaster. She went to go check on him only to let her jealousy get the best of her. She didn't mean to lash out at him. She just didn't know how to deal with her emotions. Yeah he'd dated here and there over the years. Bookish types like himself. Never really went anywhere. But tonight he got in a fight over some girl, some girl not her… that really stung her deep.

Then spending the next day trying to think of a way to make it up to him when she gets a call from Willow, who got a call from Xander, who got a call from Cordy saying William had went all 'Rebel Without A Cause' Then she calls him and not only finds out it's true but that he'd done such a good job the likes of Harmony was hitting on him!

Logically she had no rights to him. It was that damn unspoken rule that said because of his status as her brother's best friend he was off limits. She was sure if he made a move, gave her one hint her feeling might be returned she knew she would let the rule be damned. But he never did. As far as she knew she was no more then a surrogate little sister. And although that allowed for friendship in the absence of her brother, it did not lead to declarations of love.

Not that she was in love, it was just a crush. A crush that festered since her senior year of high school. She thought back wondering exactly when it started, there was a lot of little things but one day kept coming to mind.

It was her senior year of high school. She'd been dating Parker Abrams since the middle of junior year. She like him he was a good guy she guessed. But although he never pressured her, he hinted that he wanted to take their relationship to a more physical level. Although she already had her best girlfriend's opinion on the subject she kinda wanted a guy's point of view. But she knew she couldn't go to her brother. Because lets face it, even if she could get him to promise not to involve their parents, she knew Parker would get a sudden and threatening visit from Riley. And she knew it would not be hard for Riley to intimidate Parker. Riley was just good at things like that and took his big brother duties VERY seriously.

So that left her with a limited list. The only trusting name on it was William. William she knew if she asked him to, he would keep their conversation between them. Even from her brother. And some how she knew he would be honest if that is what she asked of him.

So she waited till him and her brother came home form collage to visit for the holidays. As usual he would be spending most of his time at their house as his parents were away… again. She often frowned at the lack of interest they took in their son. But hey, their loss was her family's gain, right? Because one thing that definitely went without saying was William's acceptance in the Summer household.

She saw her opportunity when her parents and Riley went to pick out a tree. They always waited till Riley was home to do this. And although she usually loved their little family ritual she decided that this was the prefect time to speak with William, as he declined to join them. He'd been on the phone with his parents and wasn't feeling up to it, in light of his own lack of family bonding. She quickly declined too saying she didn't think it right to leave William alone. William looked like he was going to tell her not to be bothered but she shot him a pleading look that said her staying here was more for her then him. So he held his tongue and her parents agreed.

So they left and William glanced at her looking not sure what to do. He obviously knew she wanted to talk, but probably thought it best to let her start. She decided she didn't want to do this at home, so she suggested they take a walk. William agreed and they put on their coats and walked down to the nearby park. They walked in silence. William never once pressed her to start talking he just walked silently beside her allowing her to gather her thoughts. Soon they were at the park by the swings. She sat on one and he sat on the one next to her. Still he waited quietly for her to start.

She started by filling him in on what was going on at school. Easing into her relationship with Parker. She was still skirting around the issue when he began to speak.

"You know I remember my senior year. Remember when I was dating Tara Maclay? We'd been friends for so long just seemed natural we started dating. But then we seemed to go no where. We were stuck. Then the night of prom she'd surprised me with a hotel room…." Buffy was a little surprised, she never knew that. Tara was such a sweet girl. That seemed a bit bold for her. But Buffy didn't say anything. But it did evoke questions about their breakup. She knew not too long after Tara and William broke up Tara had 'come out'. William hadn't seem surprised at the time, his only comment was he hoped she found someone worthy of her and able to love her like she needed. "I won't lie, I wanted to… I really did. But I couldn't. It turned out to be for the best later, but I didn't know it would at the time. I just knew I couldn't do it. I mean I could physically but…." he sighed and tipped his head to the side his eyes far off in the memory, "I knew as much as I cared for her and our friendship, I didn't love her. Not truly deeply forever love. Not the kind of love you not only felt in your heart but also in your soul. And for me, I need that. For me, that should be the final act of giving yourself to someone you love in ways beyond normal logic. And as tempting as it is to just do it, I made that decision long ago. The only one that worked for me. You see it was something I couldn't decide threw others. I had to be true to who I was no matter what that may be. I would never criticize anyone's choice, cause the only one they are obligated to in that situation is themselves."

She understood what he was saying. He'd read her question without her stating it. He'd answered it without judgment or pressure for details. He just let her peek in to his own experiences and let her take what she would from that. And that was enough.

They sat and talked awhile longer. Talked about this and that. Never once was the underlined need for this talk stated, nor was ignored, it just was. She never did tell him not to say anything. She knew he wouldn't without her telling him. This was between them and that's how it would remain. He never brought up the subject or hinted to it in later conversations either. It was just left there in that moment of time.

When they got back her dad and Riley were putting up they tree and her mom was making some hot coco. They all spent the rest of the evening laughing talking as they decorated the tree and sipped hot coco.

Buffy sighed as her eyes glistened at the memory. She looked expectantly at the waiting room doors but they remained firmly in place. She couldn't sit still so she paced. She let out a ragged sigh.

Finally the Doctor came threw the doors and motioned her over. "We have some preliminary findings, It will be a while till we have something more solid. Mr. Pratt asked you be there as we go over them."

She nodded. Walking in she saw Spike's face was unreadable. He was already sitting in a chair. He was slouching and staring at the clean linoleum floor. He didn't even look up as they entered. She sat down. And the doctor also took a seat. The long and short of it was Spike's brain showed some signs of swelling. Not dangerously so but enough to account for the amnesia. "The thing is though we can't rightly say why he replaced what is essentially his persona with another. Especially, from what you've told us, one so drastically different. The memory loss he has can common with head injury but not the rest. It's like his mind used this Spike person to compensate for the missing William…."

The doctor broke off as Spike slammed his hand down on the armrest. He jump to his feet, "I'M right here! Stop talking like I'm some bleedin figment of …" he stopped as he realized that's exactly what they were saying he was. He was someone's creation. Made up… not real…

"Bugger this!" he stormed out of the room.

Buffy jumped up to follow him but the doctor stopped her. "Like any other amnesia victim he's going to need time to adjust. In all honesty this maybe harder then other cases because it's hard for him to know exactly what is missing and what returned memories are true and what have been replaced by well…"

"So there is nothing that can be done?"

The doctor shook his head, "There is no way to force back the lost information, nor can I do more then guess how long it will last. Could be days, weeks, even years. The mind is still very much a mystery to us. All I can suggest is be there for him, and try to help him adjust. Don't try and force the memories back, it won't work, they will come when they are good and ready."

Buffy nodded. After a bit more talking she was finally free to go look for Spike. She found him just sitting behind the wheel of his car his lead back frowning at the roof of the car.

She approached cautiously. Before she could speak he started talking. "Was gonna leave…. Realized didn't have any bloody where to go…." his voice was strained like he was trying his damndest not to get too emotional around her. At least not the emotions she knew he was feeling. Fear, confusion… nothing anyone in their right mind wouldn't be feeling, but she let him keep up his pretence. Having a feeling making him show any emotions she would get the others, anger, maybe even blame…

She sighed. She wanted to make it all better, but this wasn't William she was dealing with. She had a sneaking suspicion Spike would not appreciate any kind of helping hand. An idea struck her, "Say, you wanna go get drunk?"

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow that said of all the things he was expecting her to say that was not one. "Don't really feel like crowds about now luv"

She tilted her head like she was considering his words, "Neither do I…" she looked at her watch, "Still an hour left till liquor store's close, We can get something there and drink on our own. Since I got a roommate, We'll go to your place…"

He was about to point out the fact he was still here was because he didn't know where his place was. But she beat him to the punch, "Looks like you'll have to follow me now…" she gave him a smirk with a mischievous glint in her eyes, "Hope you can keep up…" she turned and sprinted to her car not waiting for his response.

The gauntlet was thrown and there was no bloody way he was gonna ignore it. "Lead the way pet…" he said to himself as he fired up the engine.