Chapter 12: True Emotions

The drive home was quiet. Each lost in their own thoughts. William was still hanging around as Spike could feel him but he wasn't as up front as he'd been when they were dancing with Buffy. When they got back to William's apartment they took their coats off and stood in the living room unsure what to say. "Bugger this!" Spike growled and stepped up to Buffy and captured her lips with his. After a moment of surprise Buffy responded.

Spike could feel William wavering under the surface. He pulled back a moment only to have Buffy reach for him to pull his lips back to hers as she whispered Spike's name. As that name crossed her lips, that warm feeling he'd been infused with since they started dancing turned cold, and just like that William was gone.

For a moment in-between kisses Spike wondered if he was really surprised to find William loved Buffy. Not so much. But it did put a light on his own feelings for the girl. He was attracted to her no doubt. And he was starting to care for her. But love? If he were honest he'd have to admit he wasn't quite there. But he could be someday.

Little did Spike know Buffy was going threw her own mental war. What was she doing? This was William's body. And sure she was attracted to Spike but this wasn't Spike's body. What would William say when he came back? She pulled away a second and looked at Spike, "Do you love me?"

Spike looked at Buffy in surprise, "I…." he felt a chill on the back of his neck. No way this was gonna end good. "I want you…"

"But you don't love me…." Buffy pulled away. Maybe she could justify this if Spike loved her. Not that she loved Spike, but she knew given time she could fall. But she also loved William. What kind of love was a jumble, but she cared enough to not be able to use him like this. "I'm sorry Spike, I can't….. I can't do this to William"

Spike felt his anger flow, "What the bloody hell does this have to do with William? 'm not bloody William. 'm Spike!"

"I know that. Believe me I know that. But that's just it. I can't do this to William. He… he… believes things like this should be about love. I can't use his body like that. Maybe if it was love… but it's not."

"Please! The man's a bloody coward. Sure he could hide behind a statement like it should be about love. The truth is he probably never had the guts to go for it."

Buffy's own anger flared, "So if I think it should be about love too I'm being a coward? How pathetic is that? Anyone can screw any warm body that came along but it takes bravery to wait till you feel it's right! And how selfish would I have to be to take that choice away from him? It would be like rape. When he comes back…."

"He's not coming back! I hate to break it to you goldilocks. But he's been here all along hiding behind yours truly. He doesn't want to be here. He's too cowardly to handle his own life. I'm who he wishes he was. Do you really think he's coming back to be a looser when he has me to hide behind?" ok that sounded a bit egotistical. But still that's the way things seemed to him. She didn't know. She didn't have some bloody voice in her head playing dictator. As far as Spike was concerned William needed to make up his bloody mind and either stay or go and leave it at that!

All Spikes anger towards her drained when he saw the tears flowing freely down Buffy's cheeks, "Buffy?"

She backed away from Spike, "He IS coming back! He is! You're a liar! I don't care what you say! If anything you're probably keeping him away. Well don't bother I don't want you! Not now not ever!" and with that she turned and ran out the door.

Spike felt a tightening in his chest. He was washed over with a sense of loss. Like he'd had something precious stolen from him. "In a way, bloody well did…" He searched for the feeling he had when William was round wanting someone to take out what he was feeling on. But there was nothing. Wherever he was he was tucked far away from the conscious mind. Taking off his jacket and tie. He flopped down on the couch and undid the top few buttons. Closing his eyes he called to William his anger still simmering under the surface. As soon as he heard, 'What the hell do you want?!' his cell phone rang.

'well answer it' Spike growled at the voice, "give me a bloody minute…. Bloody pillock" he flipped open the phone and looked at the caller ID. Summers Residence. Why would Buffy's parents be calling him? Hitting a button, "Hello?"

"William? Oh, wait no it's Spike now right? Sorry, Buffy told me about …. Your condition. I… I'm trying to find her. Her cell is off and Willow said she was with you last she seen her. It's very important. I know you don't remember Riley…" the woman broke down in tears. There was some murmuring then a male voice was on the phone.

"William."

"Spike."

"Give me a break. You're William. Deal with it. I don't have time for this idiotic game of who am I. We just got word Riley, Buffy's brother and WAS you best friend died in the line of duty. So excuse me if I coddle your idea of being someone else. We need to get a hold of Buffy…"

"She's headed back to the dorms…"

"Thank you." then with a click the call was over. All the sudden Spike dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom where he emptied his stomach in to the toilet. 'NO…God No!…. Not Riley…. This isn't happening…' Spike slumped against the toilet as his vision started to blur… the last thing he heard ringing threw his head was, ' she needs me…' then all went black.