Of course my car is on the empty light, of fucking course. I almost didn't notice it with my blurred vision. This is my 2nd time crying in the past 15 minutes, what am I, 12? I'm such a goddamn idiot. I should have figured that these past few years of keeping my mouth shut until I'm asked to open it was working. But no, I had to storm into Catherine's office like I could sweep her off her feet somehow. Save the day. What a joke.
Up until now, I've somehow been able to ignore the fact that Catherine means more to me than pretty much anyone I know. That every time I see her, I want to study everything about her. That whatever her emotions are, happy, sad, angry, proud, tired, I automatically feel the same way. It's natural for the human heart and mind to block out reality in order to protect itself. (Oh, Christ, I sound like Grissom). But now I've crossed the line of vulnerability, no turning back now. Now that I've admitted how much my heart cries out for Catherine's – been in her office, had her open up emotionally to me, and then been ultimately rejected – I can't just pretend it never happened.
I haven't felt this stupid in a long time. I mean, I know I have my off days, but this was just plain old dumb. I'm trying to figure out, in retrospect, what I seriously thought would happen. Catherine had never shown any interest in getting to know me before, and I, physically, had never returned the favor, either. Did I think that everything from our past of not being friends (or being enemies as it felt at times) was going to disappear because I suddenly revealed myself as having a heart? There's no way I shouldn't have foreseen Catherine's response, not only because of the dynamic between she and I, but also because of Catherine's instinctive need to be impervious at all times. I know that crying must be a big deal to her and something she doesn't like to share with anyone, especially me.
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Right as I'm kicking myself for being stupid, my car stalls out to a stop. I must have missed any chance to reach a gas station before it was too late while I was wallowing in how pathetic I am. If I didn't want to rip my hair out before, I definitely do now as I put on my hazard lights and pull out my cell phone to call Triple A.
…BandofStarsThatIndicatesTimePassageHere…
I jam the key in my apartment door and slam it behind me as I arrive home an hour later than I was supposed to. Even though it's only almost 9:30, I know that all staying up will accomplish is giving me more of a headache than I already have. I start to make a pot of coffee, which before bed probably seems crazy, but I think I've come to rely on it more for a soothing feeling it gives me rather than a source of caffeine or energy. In the time it takes for it to brew, I change into pajamas and continue to internally beat myself up for what happened earlier on tonight. Right as I'm about to settle down with my coffee, my cell phone rings. What could Grissom possibly want now? I am so beyond off shift. I pick it up before looking at the Caller ID and speak "Sidle?" into the mouthpiece.
"Sara, it's Catherine," says the voice on the other line, startling me enough to spill my coffee. "You still up for that coffee?"