J.K. Rowling is solely responsible for the world of Harry potter, and therefore inadvertently responsible for this fic.
I think she should bee arrested too.
Harry Potter and the Repellant Desire Vol: 5
Severus Snape finished scraping his face with the giant shovel that he used after class to get off his oil. He wondered how much the United States Government would pay for the wonderful barrels of oil he had produced this month. Snape put water in his hair, hoping it wouldn't bead on contact, to help minimize the fire risk from the pure gasoline in which his scalp was soaked. Then he surreptitiously snuck out of his office.
Miles away, fifteen midgets with bikinis were worshiping the sea goddess that was Harry potters bowel movement
Snape padded softly to the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room.
"Backdoor," Snape said. It was the teachers every-password, a backdoor in the rules.
For Snape it meant something a bit more… socially frowned upon and possibly a pedophilia charge.
"Hey sev u sexy dog!" Michael Corner shouted at the top of his lungs as he started to urinate on Snape's leg.
"Can you mark you territory later my love! You have woken the entire Ravenclaw common room," Snape said.
Suddenly a plot hole appeared.
"I love your hair Snape; it's so soft and silky…" Corner said as feather softly as before as he and Snape entered the kitchens. "Horny, would you be a good little elf and get our special toys.
"I would be delighted to my lord and savior Michael Corner!" The elf said before snapping his fingers and accidentally blowing off the left side of his leg.
"OOH! I LOVE blood, what do you say Mike!" Snape giggled. His hair caught on fire. Horny used the spurting arterial blood to put out the fire.
"Ok Snape." Michael bent down and bit Snape's leg clean off. Snape gasped in ecstasy and (PLOT HOLE!) rubbed the blood all over Michael almost naked form. Horny bounced on his two legs (plot hole again!) and the toys appear out of nowhere. Quickly Snape grabbed long round object that vibrated madly and for which I have no idea might be used. He got on his knees and looked at Michael suggestively.
"You know what to do…"
Three house elves died over the course of the next eleven seconds before Michael finished. Snape then ate the boys eyes out for the lack of satisfaction. Neither of them saw that Luna Lovegood, McGonagall, Blaise Zambini, Cornelius Fudge, and the entire population of Spain circa 564 BC stood in the kitchens naked and slightly contentedly after having scene the show.
But that was before the sudden arrival of another plot hole, this one reignited Snape's hair.
"Hey! What are you doing here?" Asked a beat up and yet fully clothed Michael Corner with wide blue eyes. Snape snapped up before realizing that he had somehow transformed into a four legged Emu.
"We are all getting flour!" said the Spanish peasants, who than grabbed four bag of flowers before Apparating back to France.
Hermione Granger ran into the kitchen, grabbed the gun that Michael held, and shot McGonagall. Then herself.
Michael ran.
The next day the Chudley Cannons won the World series…
…In Embroidery
Snape got 32 yen for the barrels, he celebrated with Harry Potter in a Fanfic that made less actual sense than YOUR MOM!